A/N: Annnnnnnd I'm back with another songfic where I torture Liv's heart. I'm so mean! But hey, I also write those really fluffy happily-ever-after ones. grins Anywho – Dixie Chicks – from their first cd (the only one I really like).
Disclaimer: Only my overactive imagination belongs to me.
She didn't want to go anywhere. She was lucky she made it to work every day. She knew she should get out, see her friends, have an adult conversation, but she just wasn't ready. Her three-minus-one best friends (she had three best friends, but then he'd left her) said she'd waited long enough. He'd been gone ten months. They said it'd be good for her to get out and meet someone. She needed human interaction to be happy.
Once you've loved somebody
It ain't that easy to do
Once you've loved somebody
Like I loved you
If she was happy, the baby would be happier. The baby he'd left her with. The baby who'd not even been born yet when he'd had the audacity to leave them. The baby she knew it was up to her to take care of but who she only wanted to cry when she looked at. The huge blue eyes, so much like his, the dark brown hair, the strong chin. She struggled every day to find one of her own features in her daughter. It was a struggle she always lost. Some babies were a perfect mix of both parents. Not hers. Maggie Marie Stabler was the spitting image of her father.
Olivia heard the knock at the door. She knew it would be her three-minus-one best friends coming to try to coax her out of the house.
"It's open," she called. Casey and Melinda entered, laughing about something. Olivia looked up from her position on the couch, three month old Maggie asleep on her chest.
"I don't feel like it tonight, guys," she said.
"Olivia! You need to get out. John's babysitting if we can get you to come out with us. Let's go!" Casey pleaded.
"I know you guys say I should, but I really don't feel like it."
I should go out tonight
Get on with my life
Break these chains of solitude
With a little luck and a little help
I might even find myself
In the arms of someone new
"Liv, please. We are begging you. He wouldn't want you to be doing this to yourself," Melinda reasoned, respecting the unspoken agreement they had not to speak his name.
"You guys don't get it! You don't get what it's like! My husband DIED. Right in front of me! Maggie's daddy bled to death in my arms," Olivia sobbed. Feeling the tension in her mother's body, Maggie awoke, crying. Olivia tried to soothe her daughter despite her own sobs.
"Liv, honey. I know this is hard, but it's really important to us that you go," Casey tried a guilt trip.
"Casey, you still go home to John every night. You don't have to come home to this empty house!" Olivia shrieked. She held her still-screaming baby to her chest protectively.
"Olivia, he's been gone almost a year," Melinda said quietly. "I'm not saying you can't miss him, but you need to move on," she finished.
"How many times do I have to tell you guys? You. Just. Don't. Get it! No one has ever made me feel the love that he did. Not Brian, not Trevor, certainly not my family. No one cared about me like he did," she cried, collapsing to the couch. "I thought," she sobbed, "that in time, it'd get better. But you're right. It's been almost a year. And I still can't believe he isn't coming back."
Look what you've gone and done
You've ruined everything for anyone
Who tries to steal this heart away
I can't get you off my mind
I've tried to tell myself a million times
A little time is all it takes
Casey and Melinda sat on either side of Olivia. Casey took Maggie and cuddled the little girl, trying to ease some of the tension from her body. Once she began to calm, Casey took her to the nursery to put her down.
When she returned, Olivia was curled in a ball on the couch, Melinda stroking her back.
"She really doesn't want to go, Case," Melinda said.
"Well I don't really feel comfortable leaving her here alone, do you?" Casey asked emphatically.
"Well, of course not," Melinda said.
"I'm fine," Olivia said thickly, still sobbing quietly.
"Uh, no. No you're not," Casey decided.
"You guys should just go. If I need anything, I promise to call," Olivia said.
"Liv…"
"Go."
"Okay. But do call if you need anything. Anything at all," Melinda said.
"I promise," Olivia agreed.
When she heard the girls leave, she went to Maggie's room and picked her up, taking her into the master bedroom. She laid the baby in their bed, going to the dresser to strip out of her clothes and change for bed. She pulled one of his blue dress shirts out of the closet and slipped it on, buttoning the middle three buttons and pushing the cuffs up, only to let them fall back down to swallow her hands. She crawled into the bed beside the sleeping Maggie and gently stroked her daughter's hair.
"I love you, baby," she said, closing her eyes.
If she really concentrated, she could smell his familiar mix of cologne, soap, and… there it was…him. Her El. Olivia drifted off as she had so many nights before and as she would so many nights to come: alone with her memories.
Once you've loved somebody
It ain't that easy to do
Once you've loved somebody
Like I loved you
Once you've loved somebody
It ain't that easy to do
Once you've loved somebody
Like I loved you
A/N: Oh my gosh! That was hard to write! My heart broke apart for her and I was the one putting her through it! Did you like how I waited until the VERY end to even breathe Elliot's name? But you totally knew it was him, didn't you? You guys are so smart. Please please R&R! It's my drug! Kisses, Kinsey