Title: Kill Me Soft
Pairing: StarrkxShunsui
Summary: It was chance. He was supposed to die that day. Fate had sealed it and was about to move on when suddenly, chance came beaming down on Starrk in the form of Shunsui Kyoraku.
Warnings: Yaoi/Shonen-Ai, character-death, cutting, mentions of attempted suicide; dark themes in general. Angst-y but ends on a brighter note. Two-shot; AU; possible OOC-ness.
Word Count:
Song: The entire The Illusionist soundtrack by the fantastic conductor, Philip Glass. I love his music!!!! *squees* He did the music for 'The Hours' :D
A/N: I like to write dark stories but truthfully, this is the 'darkest' I've gotten. And it's really not all that dark. XD I SHOULD be updating my other stories but certain people keep giving me bundles of muse...I'm going to need to make a checklist. -__- ; Dedicated to Rabid Fangirl21 who literally messaged back and forth with me as I wrote this. :3 Hope you enjoy it! Also a took a line from her she mentioned! Only she'll know it when she sees it! ;D Also this will be a two-parter. I seriously dislike stories (now now, this is just with SOME stories. No one in particular) that show
A) no interaction but sudden attraction. I mean, sure, you can think a guy/girl is hot but suddenly declare you're in love and have sex with each other like a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am then be happy for the rest of your lives having sweet, wonderful, hot sex? Not my style of writing. This was turning out like this which was soooo not cool since Starrk is battling with his own angst. Which leads us to
B) A recovering cutter from depression and other things won't be ready to randomly open up to his art teacher and have smexy time. NO. Hence the two-part story. -__-
Oh and:
CURSE YOU RABBID FANGIRL21 and DRAGONESS-OF-AIR13 FOR GIVING ME SO MUCH MUSE!!! *sobs* But you guys rock so, wahhhhteeeeevvvvvarrrrrrr!! *random huggle*
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or it's characters. Tite Kubo does. :) BTW...THE NEW BLEACH CHAPTER! KYAHHHH!!! (good kyah or bad kyah? It's hard to say...)
Excuse my rant. ^^; Enjoy! The new and delayed chapter for HM should be up this weekend. I just had some unexpected circumstances so...^^;
He was tired of living but too scared to die.
...
He stood on the school roof, clinging to the wire barricading him in. He looked down below and frowned. He could always climb the fence. He didn't know why it was stopping him; it wasn't like it would be a challenge.
But how would he pay her back if he jumped?
Grey eyes settled onto the floor and Starrk sat down Indian style, grabbing his lunch kit and opening it. There was no food. Not like he wanted food, anyway. Instead there was a razor blade; the hilt black and the blade slightly dull from it's usage. Not on his own skin though. He had taken out his frustrations on the tree in his backyard, marring the wood with scratches upon scratches.
Starrk pulled the grey sleeve of his uniform sweater up a bit, staring almost frozen like at the cuts on his arms. Thin and hardly deep. Nicks. Starrk placed his wrist to his forehead and bit his lip. Each time he cut himself it was because the numbness was unbearable. Before all of...all of this had happened, before she died, he had heard about 'cutters'. Truthfully, he couldn't relate or understand at that time. Starrk had been lonely, but that nagging feeling was suppressed whenever he was with her. Lilinette. His younger sister.
Their relatives had long since passed away and it was just the two of them, living off the money their family had left the two. Lilinette always snapped him out of his dreary funks; dragging him out and making him have fun. Starrk loved her for that. The young and lithe brunette was incredibly introverted; always preferring to shy away from groups of people, or rather, people in general. At school he talked to no one and no one talked to him in turn. Starrk gave off the feeling like he couldn't be bothered to socialize with other people.
How wrong they were.
Starrk was forcing himself at that time to become more social and not because Lilinette told him to. He wanted to talk to these people; they had so many wonderful qualities.
In Starrk's current grade of high school, grade 12, Starrk began to notice the people in his class were truly extraordinary. Ichigo Kurosaki, a scowling red head, was actually very kind and sincere; he was always looking after his friends behind his unchanging perma-frown. Rukia Kuchiki was certainly peculiar; Starrk had learned she was a fire ball of excitement, resembling his sister Lilinette. That was probably why he smiled whenever he saw the elegant noble girl. Another interesting student was Ulquiorra Schiffer; he always remained monotone with his voice and acted as the world meant nothing. But Starrk saw the little acts of kindness he did throughout the day, from helping Ichigo with his homework to eating Orihime Inoue's food (despite the fact he would make the tiniest disgusted face, but he always told her it was good). Starrk loved the people in his class. He had hoped to get to know them before their last year of high school; Starrk had been prepared to actually say hello to Ulquiorra one day (since he was the most approachable in Starrk's opinion).
But Lilinette died that very day.
She had been walking excitedly to school, when an oncoming car crashed into her. It was instantaneous death. She felt no pain.
After shedding an endless amount of tears over Lilinette, Starrk began to feel numb. He loathed it. How could he possibly feel no pain after his innocent, loving sister had died? He was disgusted with himself. So then it began. Hurting himself. Starrk would take all the emotional and physical pain for her. This disastrous, dangerous thought led to him cutting himself and several suicide attempts.
Suicide attempts were more like Starrk taking too many over the counter pills and passing out after drinking a bit of alcohol. He hated alcohol, but he knew the results of mixing it with drugs. He had thought about jumping, but he crossed that off his mind.
How would he take the pain for Lilinette if he was dead?
Then Starrk, alone and empty, discovered cutting one day while attempting to shave his goatee. The razor had dropped from his hand, clanging against the sink. As Starrk reached for it he bent his wrist and held the shaft of the blade in such a way that the blade nicked him. A strange, horrible stinging sensation ran over Starrk but...he felt suddenly like a huge emotional burden was off his chest. He could breathe. He could feel pain. That was when he could relate to cutters. He felt alive when he cut himself; he felt the pain and he basked in it. Starrk would cut himself several times...he would cut himself hundreds of times if he had to; he needed it all to amount to the Lilinette's death and more.
Starrk felt anxiety rush to his stomach before he switched the blade open and sliced his wrist. Immediately it stung, and Starrk hissed slightly. He cut too deep. Leaving it alone he rolled his sleeve back down and leaned against the fence and spread his legs apart, the tingling pain soaring up his arm and thundering through his body. Starrk heard the bell ring and he considered not going to class; but art was next and he actually...felt okay there. Maybe it was because his teacher, Kyoraku-sensei, was so laid back and let the class do whatever art related project they wanted. Art class was really the only time Starrk could somewhat relax. Standing up and wincing as he bent his wrist slightly, Starrk walked slowly to class.
Starrk entered the brightly lit classroom, eyes on him at once. He glanced at the clock and realized he was only a few minutes late. He blinked to look at the front of the class and saw his teacher, his usually wavy brown hair tied up with an decorative hair piece.
"Welcome!" Kyoraku-sensei smiled with a bit of a grin poking its way out. Starrk nodded his head in greeting while he scratched the side of his head a little bashfully when suddenly he heard a collective amount of quiet gasps and whispers. Starrk didn't think anything of it and went to his seat. He did briefly wonder however, why his sensei was looking at him with a shocked type of frown mixed with a hanging fish mouth. Hm. Starrk needed to work on his analogies.
It was silent for several moments before Shunsui clapped his hands together and gave a dreamy smile as the secretary, Nanao Ise, came in. It obviously distracted the students from whatever they were getting hyped up about; already grumbling and groaning as Shunsui teased the secretary who in turn slapped him with her clip board. Starrk pulled some charcoal from his desk and began to draw on the his sketch pad. He silently thanked whoever left it on his desk. Usually when he was late, the person handing the sketchpads out never put his there. And if they did, they put some horribly scrawled vulgar message.
Starrk was drawing his teacher who marking papers rather leniently at his desk; Starrk liked to draw people more than objects. His teacher was probably one of the more exhilarating ones to draw. The shape of his face; the way his hair seemed shaggy but professional for some reason; the flowers in his hair piece; those coarse hands and his bearded stubbly face...Starrk liked to gain 'infatuation's with his subjects in his art. One week when he actually didn't feel so down, he liked to draw Shinji Hirako, the transfer student from Germany who had long locks of blonde shiny hair. But then something about his art teacher drew him in, no pun intended.
He was so immersed in his drawing, he almost didn't hear the bell shriek that it was time for the next class. Starrk sat up and wobbled a bit. It then hit him as a girl looked him almost...scared. He looked at his wrist and saw that his cut had stopped bleeding but the sleeve was soaked with blood. Starrk frowned. So that's what the students had been murmuring about. Pretending not to notice the class, he began to stalk away unaware of curious grey eyes on him from his sensei.
It was chance. He was supposed to die that day. Fate had sealed it and was about to move on when suddenly, chance came beaming down on Starrk in the form of Shunsui Kyoraku.
...
A week later, waking up in his bed from a dreamless sleep, Starrk decided he was going to die.
Guilt was eating from the inside out and despite the fact he had done several irrational things, he knew one sensible thing: Starrk couldn't go on living like this. It was unhealthy. He was only hoping to punish himself, but after the students and teachers heard about his slitted wrist, he began to affect the people around him. He couldn't have that happening. Not only that...instead of facing life alone and miserable, he could die and join his sister and wait for the next life to be together again. This thought always made Starrk give a melancholy smile.
Starrk didn't think it was morbid to plan his death. It felt right. After much debating and researching, he decided he was going cut himself deeply across both wrists. He needed a place to do this, so someone would find him. His house already had it's rent and utilities paid; if he left it to the landlord to find him it would take months since Starrk always paid in advance. Starrk already had a note written, signed by him along with a list of bank account passwords and safety deposits box codes. He also emptied the contents of his wallet there. Starrk would give all his money to Karakura High, most of it going to the art classroom. He liked that class especially. The last he could do was leave Kyoraku-sensei-- Starrk blinked as he put his school bag on. He meant that students, not just Kyoraku-sensei himself. With a shrug, he walked out the door.
This was his last day. He would be with Lilinette soon.
...
Classes were over and as Starrk began to pack his stuff away he flinched as a soft finger tapped his shoulder. The brunette turned, going wide eyed as he saw warm brown eyes. Ichigo Kurosaki.
"Uh, hey. I'm Ichigo--"
"Ichigo Kurosaki-san." Starrk said, closing his locker and hugging his bag to him warily. He wasn't sure why Ichigo Kurosaki, one of the wonderful people apart of the student body, would be talking to him. The guy, and Starrk quotes from passerby gossips, "who cuts himself".
Ichigo visibly stiffened before he laughed nervously. "You're Starrk Coyote-san."
"I am." Starrk replied quickly, fidgeting more. He felt eyes upon eyes on him and he could feel the pulse of his heart speeding up.
Ichigo relaxed and gave a weak smile, surprising Starrk. Starrk had only seen him scowl. "My friends and I were wondering if you wanted to catch a movie with us."
A movie? Starrk felt his knees wobble in surprise and for the first time in his life, he could have hugged Ichigo. Starrk felt the corners of his lips twitch and suddenly he felt the wide stretch of his face, realizing he was smiling. Or was he beaming? He wasn't sure; but it was foreign. It had been ages since he genuinely smiled. Ichigo was looking at him completely stunned, eyebrows nearly into his hair line.
"I..." Starrk remembered his plans. He...he couldn't make friends. He'd end up hurting them. "I have other plans tonight." Starrk frowned at his excuse and looked at his feet ashamedly, trying to ignore the other students who were watching.
"Did he just reject Kurosaki-kun?"
"Ouch, harsh. Berry-head getting rejected by a cutter."
"It's better though. What if the cutter and Kurosaki-kun joined forces and began to use weapons in fights?"
"I wouldn't doubt it; ne ne, did you hear about-"
Starrk heard Ichigo gulp and he nearly flipped out as Ichigo patted his shoulder. He glanced up to see Ichigo's eyes and was surprised as he saw...warmth.
"It's always up for grabs. Rukia, Inoue, Ulquiorra, Grimmjow(1); we wouldn't mind if you joined us for a movie some time. Think about it, okay?"
"I...I will." Starrk said hoarsely, Ichigo giving a quick wave and returning to an ever eager Rukia who began asking him how it went. Wounded purple eyes landed on Starrk and he immediately felt guilty.
He needed to initiate the plan NOW.
He ran to the stairway surprising the students by their lockers, holding his stomach and running almost blindly. That's how he found himself in the art room. The art room...why the art room?
He took a deep breath and his brain clicked. It was Friday. The janitor...the janitor would find him.
His mind was screaming 'You idiot! No!' and another part was begging to be let free.
Starrk dropped his bag onto the table and pulled out his lunch kit, take the blade out and eying it for the first time fearfully. He would be with Lilinette. Pushing his sleeves up he felt his body shivering and something wet sliding down his face. Sweat. Tears. He wasn't sure. He didn't care.
Starrk slit the first wrist with a shaking hand and gasped at the pain it induced, not used to the depth of the cut. He gave a mumbled cry and bit his lip, but didn't back down. As he slumped to the floor he held his other wrist up and took the blade with his cut wrist, preparing for the final slice--
The door opened and Starrk felt his heart leap out of his chest as he saw a man in front of him. Starrk's grey eyes widen, but dizziness began to take over and he assumed he must have looked strange; his pupils dilated. He had tears down his face- he could feel it -and he was panting heavily as this light-headed feeling slowly encompassed him. Starrk blinked lethargically. Why was Kyoraku-sensei here?
"Hey what are you doing in--" Shunsui stopped eyes becoming wide as he took in the sight of Starrk's bleeding wrist dripping. It was a thin, slow stream but the eeriness of it multipled when some drops scattered on the floor. Shunsui panicked. "You're bleeding!"
Starrk looked at his wrist, then back to Shunsui. "I noticed."
And then Starrk's world went black as he felt two arms grip his shoulders to steady him.
Through the darkness he could see his sister and her golden-green halo of hair; she seemed to be hugging him; reassuring him. "...go." she whispered into his ear, and Starrk found himself waking up.
...
Drip...drip...
Starrk opened his eyes and the first thing he saw was an IV. Weird. Was heaven one big giant hospital until you recovered and went back to Earth? If so, then where was Lilinette--
"You've been saying that name in your sleep for awhile." said a rough yet strangely velvety voice, making Starrk go ridged in surprise. He looked at the corner of the room and saw Shunsui in a chair, holding a navy book and clad in a blue yukata with a women's kimono covering his back. "Is that your friend?"
Starrk took a minute to process that before he comprehended the statement. He felt his bottom lip quiver and he shuffled in the bed slightly. "She was my younger sister." he said in a hoarse voice. It hurt to say that. Carefully, Starrk fisted the sheets and wrapped them around his body. Shunsui stood up and Starrk could hear the screeching of his art teacher's chair as he moved to sit beside Starrk. Wisely, Shunsui chose a different subject.
"So...trying to leave a mess for me and the janitor?"
Starrk went wide eyed before attempting to bury himself in the white sheets. "It was on impulse."
"Impulse, huh?" Shunsui murmured, leaning back in his chair. Starrk shifted uncomfortably.
"Why are you here?" the goatee teen asked, unsure of why this man was providing him company.
"Hm..." Shunsui hummed, suddenly rubbing his stubbly chin. "I'd like to know that myself."
Starrk raised a brow. "You...don't know why you're here?"
"Perhaps," Shunsui smiled, leaning in with a kind look that made Starrk shiver. "I'd like to know you more, Starrk-kun."
Starrk was unsure when he felt his face heat up. What was his art teacher doing to him? Gulping, Starrk stared at Shunsui trying to decipher the older man's facial expression.
Intrigue. Curiosity. Another deep emotion...something around the lines of lust and bewilderment. Starrk discreetly shook his head. He must have been pretty high dosed on medication if he was picking up the emotion 'lust' from his teacher. Shunsui leaned in closer and Starrk felt his hart thumping a mile a minute, his body feeling strange. What was going on? Starrk watched some conflict cross Shunsui's face as the man stiffly leaned forward-
KA-CHAK!
Shunsui sat up properly in his chair as a male nurse came in, Starrk shuffling backwards and hissing as the IV in his arm moved. Unwanted tears of confusion and anger dotted his eyes as reality smacked him in the face. He hadn't died. His art teacher, the IV, and the nurse being proof of that. Also the lack of Lilinette. Shunsui frowned as he saw the small, almost unnoticeable tears and Starrk quickly wiped them away to look at the nurse.
The nurse was a short and tiny man; he had thick yet short black hair and bright blue eyes. The man smiled nervously. "H-hello. I'm Hanataro Yamada. I-I'll be Coyote-kun's nurse for the time he recovers." Hanataro bowed politely, clip board in hand. Almost bashfully Hantaro rubbed his neck as Shunsui gave the young nurse a grin. Starrk stared at Hantaro with blank grey eyes, looking the nurse up and down warily before relaxing in his bed. "Um, sir, forgive me if I'm wrong," Hanataro began directly at Shunsui. "Only relatives are allowed in here. Are you related? Unohana-san didn't mention-"
"I have no relatives." said the teenage boy in bed quietly. It made him want to curl up in a corner. Would the nurse send his art teacher away? A little voice inside Starrk's head chanted 'Please no!'
Hanataro looked at the two males before a lovely smile broke out on his face. "Oh then I'm sure Unohana-san won't mind if you stay here with Coyote-kun, er, ano...Mister...-san...?"
"Shunsui Kyoraki." said the art teacher, extending his calloused hand across Starrk's middle to shake hands with the petite nurse. Hanataro timidly grasped the mans hand and shook it, pulling back and tapping his clipboard with his pen. "Coyote-kun, luckily we found you before you lost too much blood. We were able to do a blood transfusion and we're just trying to get you back in shape..." Hanataro trailed off. "Um Coyote-kun...you are seventeen, correct?"
"Yes." Starrk replied evenly, knowing what was coming.
"We have a counseling program here we would like you to take and since you have no known relatives, it is mandatory that you take this. We'll have another nurse bring you to the sessions in a wheel chair if you're too weak to walk."
"I'm turning eighteen in a week." said the goatee teen. "Do I have to?"
Hantaro gave Starrk a weak, pitying look. "Um, if you can find another person to at least talk to--"
"I'll talk with him."
Starrk cocked his head to the side and blinked. "Kyoraku...-sensei?"
Hanataro beamed. "Oh, okay then! I'll tell Unohana-taicho, then!" and with that, Hanataro scurried out of the room. Shunsui lifted up his book and began to read again, all the while Starrk raised an incredulous brow.
"Are you really going to talk to me?"
"Mmhm."
"What?"
"Yes," Shunsui smiled with a hint of a smirk, placing the book onto his lap. "I'd love to know more about you. You're very enigmatic." Starrk snorted at this and turned pink a bit. He really wasn't used to this much interaction with anyone. Let alone hearing what others thought Starrk was like.
"Enigmatic?" Starrk hummed, thinking about how the word applied to him. "Do you think I'm enigmatic because I cut myself?"
Shunsui looked appalled. "No."
"Then what about me is enigmatic?"
"You're mysterious. Quiet. It makes me want to know more about you," Shunsui grinned. "Starrk-kun." Starrk unwillingly blushed and hid in his blanket as much as he could without unsettling the IV while the art teacher chuckled in amusement.
Shunsui was looking forward to spending time with his student. Starrk was dreading what his art teacher had planned.
A/N: The ending of this chapter, nyehhhh... The beginning: yayyyyy!!!!
I hope you guys like it. Please embrace it partially if you can. :) And drop a review. It would make me suuupppper happy! :D Thanks again for reading, part two is coming soon! Oh but please answer this:
Would you like there to be one of the following? Please review to vote or PM me.
A) Lemon in second part
B) Lime in second part
C) No lime or lemon, just fluff
Thanks!
Ending Quote: Tired of living, scared of dying.
-Katrina Tora ;3