Who Stole My Goddamn Girlfriend?!
Summary!
Years after the war, Harry and Ginny are still not the happy couple. Hermione finds it to be in their best interests that she interferes. Which means giving each of them a self-help book on relationships, 'Who Stole My Goddamn Girlfriend?!'. Will it work? Or is Ginny doomed to call a stuffed animal bunny named Bartholomew her 'significant other' and Harry to removing melting snowmen from his car everyday? Hysterical!
R'n R!
This first chapter is dedicated to my dearest sister But3rcupbaby! (On three everyone, aaaawww!) She is the first person ever to read this story, is also my editor and it's her birthday! HAPPY SWEET 16 TRINSEL (aka But3rcupbaby)!!!!!
Chapter One Those Darn Pork Chops!
Ginny's POV
So here I was, standing in the middle of my flat holding a stuffed animal rabbit named Bartholomew (Bart for short, of course). I was supposed to bathe him twice a week in lavender soap (and by the way, eww!) and feed him shredded carrots and parsnips with lemon juice every night at 5:30 sharp, no later. Great, I now worked at a petting zoo!
Now tell me again, how the hell did I get myself into this situation?! Oh yeah, having Luna as a friend. Luna had decided to take a trip to Indonesia to go in search of Huffaulmps. How did this affect me? Oh yeah, how could I forget! I was stuck taking care of her terrycloth rabbit for two weeks! Two bloody weeks! I loved old Luna dearly, but really! As soon as I told Luna, "Of course I would take care of dear Bart, it would be my immense pleasure!" The social life fairy came along and tapped me with her wand. PING! No more social life for you, missy! I would now be spending my evenings trying to force-feed an inanimate object. I'm bouncing off the walls with excitement!
I was still pondering how to get myself out of this situation (which seemed as possible as telling Harry to snap his Firebolt in two and having him do so. Definition of impossible, by the way!) when the doorbell rang.
I strode quickly to the door and pulled it open. In front of me stood a beaming, bushy haired Hermione.
"Hey Ginny! How are you?"
I stood there, staring at her incredulously, not saying a word. Oh Hermione I'm great! No, scratch that! Wonderful, spankingly fabulous! Just dandy! Simply Spiffing, or quite corking, thank you very much (as my dear twin brothers Gred and Forge would say) Never been better! I've just started a boarding house for stuffed animals! Yes I know, what an ingenious idea! Would you like me to take care of dear old Mippy, Missy? No, Moppy? Oh Mopsey! That's right, how could I forget! Yes, what a dear little fleecy, stuffed animal bunny she is! It would be splendid to have her here! I think I have one room left, just let me get the key to the room and-
But I didn't say any of that. Instead an indecipherable noise came out of my throat, sounding like a combination of a llama licking a lollypop while singing opera and a hippogriph choking on a kiwi. Hermione looked at me, obviously concerned for my sanity. I mean, who wouldn't be! I was standing there at my front door wearing a fuzzy, yet pilled, lavender bathrobe, my hair looked like a tornado had just breezed through and a terry cloth rabbit was dangling from my hand by it's right ear. I had to admit the full picture was rather odd.
But of course, Hermione took it right in her stride. "Ah, well, why don't I make us some tea! Hmm?" she said in a very Hermione-ish way.
This remark shook me out of my revere and I managed to spit out, "Yeah, sure, sounds, er great."
Five minutes later found me sitting on the couch with Hermione sitting across from me; legs crossed, hands clasped primly.
"Now Ginny," she began, "before you say anything, just let me explain."
Oooh no! I knew Hermione too well to know that any conversation that started with that phrase wasn't going to be my bunch of bananas! That is to say, this was not going to be an enjoyable conversation!
Hermione unzipped her purse and pulled out a small, hardback book. Big, bold, red letters proclaimed the ominous title-
Who Stole My Goddamn Girlfriend?!
"Now," said Hermione," I brought this for you and-"
What? What?! For me? Wait a minute 'Who Stole My Goddamn Girlfriend'? Oh. My. God! Hermione thinks I'm lesbian!
"HERMIONE ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR CANDY WRAPPER?!"
It must have happened when I ate dinner with Hermione last week! Pork chops! She must have spiked my pork chops with Veritaserum and I admitted I was lesbian! THOSE DARN PORK CHOPS! But wait a minute- that doesn't make any sense because I'm not lesbian! Therefore truth-telling potion would not force me to say I'm lesbian! Ha! So there! I mean c'mon, I'm still obsessing over Harry Bloody Potter! And unless he got a gender change (which is highlyunlikely and a highly amusing concept to ponder hmm…) there is no way I'm lesbian! So once again- HA! Reason to the rescue! Whoa! Rewinding here! Did I just say I'm still obsessing over Harry? Yeah right! I need to get my head checked out! I got over him centuries ago!
My consistent train of mind-babbling caused me to neglect the fact that Hermione had been yelling my name for the past five minutes. I also just realized that throughout my hysterical wonderings I had been shaking my head back and forth like a dog trying to rid it's ears of water. So not only was Hermione yelling at me at the top of her lungs, she was also looking at me with a strange and almost bemused expression on her face. Great, now she's going to call social services and have me carted off to the loony bin! Gah!
Hermione's voice cut through my train of thought again-
"GINNY!"
"WHAT!" I yelled back at an equal decimal.
Hermione continued in a normal voice, "Ginny, I brought this book on relationship problems-"
"Oh Hermione!" I cut in trying to sound completely fascinated, "what a wonderfully fantastically extremely helpful book! About relationship problems is it? Well I'm sure it will help you and Ron a great deal," I continued, adopting what I thought was a motherly voice. "Now I know this wonderful counselor! Let me get some paper and I'll write her number down for you, just give me a sec-"
"GINNY!"
Augh! By the end of this conversation I was going to be deaf!
"WHAT!" Wow, this was sure becoming redundant!
"But, but…" I stuttered
"I brought this book for YOU! Ron and I are fine!" she added as an afterthought. "It's a book on relationship problems for MEN AND WOMEN! See, you can read the front flap! I thought it was just what you needed!" she said, gleefully clapping her hands together like a little girl.
Slowly, I reached my hand out to the book as if it were a venomous snake and lifted the cover to read the front flap-
Who Stole My Goddamn Girlfriend?!
This is a question we should all ask ourselves throughout our relationships!
Ever feel as if you are being pulled into the pit of desperate relationships with your boyfriend or girlfriend? Has your relationship lost the spark it once had? Are you stuck in the doldrums? Just clinging to the edge of that deep, dark void of singledom? Find yourself hovering above the terrifying abyss of failed relationships? Well it's time to turn your romance around! It's time to save your sabotaged relationship before it sabotages you! Who Stole My Goddamn Girlfriend gives a step by step foolproof guide of how to pull your relationship back to where you want it to be!---
That was when my mouth dropped precariously close to the floor and I gaped at her in complete and utter horror. BAM! My jaw hit the floor with a resounding thud. I could see where this conversation was going and I didn't like it one bit! INGT! INGT! INGT! MAYDAY! MAYDAY!
"I AM NOT STILL HARPING OVER HARRY BLOODY POTTER!"
"Ginny, anyone who knows you can obviously see-" Hermione countered calmly but I cut her off.
"DO NOT MENTION HIM AROUND ME OR I WILL GO INTO A SEIZURE AND HAVE SPAMS ACROSS THE FLOOR LIKE A BEACHED FLOUNDER!"
Right! I definitely got rid of ALL my feeling for Harry 'centuries'ago!
Hermione's POV
One down, one to go. I walked up to the door of the flat Harry and Ron shared together. Ginny's reaction to the book was fairly predictable, but I was interested to see what Harry would do. I rang the doorbell at least three times before I heard the lock on the door click and Harry emerged from behind it. It looked like I had gotten him out of bed. He stared at me dazedly, obviously confused why I was here at such an early hour in the morning. Honestly all Harry and Ron seem to do these days is sleep!
"Yeh?"
Let's just say Harry's not exactly a morning person!
"Hi Harry!" I said brightly looking up at him. He seemed currently incapable of any form of speech, so I made the decision of letting me into his flat for him. I had to push him gently aside as I went in, poor guy, he'd been so out of it since he and Ginny never got back together after the war.
"You know Harry," I said, "it's rude to stand in the doorway when you have a guest."
He rubbed his eyes groggily and mumbled, "I'll go get Ron."
"No, no need for that. I came to talk to you!" I emphasized the last word. He stared at me incredulously then glanced at the clock whose hands were on eleven o'clock.
"Where is Ron by the way?" I added.
"Asleep," he grunted as if that's what any sensible human being would be doing at this hour in the morning.
Taking the lead, I strode into the tiny kitchen and sat down in one of the chairs. Harry soon followed suit. I wasn't sure of the best way to tell him, considering he was half asleep. I decided I would come straight out with it. I unzipped my purse for the second time that morning and pulled out a book identical to the one I had previously given Ginny. Harry's eyes widened as they scanned the cover. Even in his half conscious state he knew where this was going.
"No, not good, not good!" was all he managed to say.
"Oh Harry," I sighed, "It's for your own good!" You'll thank me later!" I added sweetly.
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I plan to (hopefully) update every other Friday!
-Toodles, Twiggy!