AUTHORS NOTE: this is a revised version. Made some corrections, added and subtracted a few things.
It had been a month since he left. Leaving her. Alone among friends. She shook herself trying to rid herself of any kind thought of the long gone vamp.
How could he, the bastard left when I needed him the most.
Course then she didn't want his help, wanted to stake him on sight and get rid of the attempted rapist. A shudder ran through her body as she tried to shove the memories out of thought.
No she didn't want to see him now, or ever.
She repeated to herself over and over.
Think of something else.
Dawn and her had been getting closer, and as the closer she got the more she noticed Dawn missed him. They had been friends while Buffy was gone, he had protected her as promised. Dawn never felt she was a part of the group and found solace with Spike.
Buffy of all people, could understand that, Spike never judged who you were, he brought it up often enough just to annoy you, but never shook his head in disgust or thought less of you.
Damn it, Stop thinking about him!
-------------------------------------------
She had been patrolling for hours trying to avoid arriving at the place she knew would bring back the bad memories. But no matter how hard she tried each night she ended in front of Spikes crypt. This night wasn't much different.
After dusting her seventh vamp of the night she slowly made her way to the steel door. She didn't notice the door were oddly ajar until she heard a roar of anger and things breaking against the walls. She saw a glimmer of light seep through and saw the door had been forced.
Someone must be looking for what Spike owed in kittens.
Who or whatever it was, it sounded pissed. She slowly snuck through the doors, she didn't want to have to deal with this.
Just sneak up, kill it and go home.
Buffy gripped the stake in her hand and observed the intruder. Probably a vamp. He had his back to her, he was tall, dressed in black. She noticed that he didn't seem to be searching, just tossing things around in anger.
She was about to run up and skewer when it the vamp threw a bottle against a nearby wall. A glass shard struck him in the arm. Gripping the injured arm he yelled from the sharp pain. "Bullocks!".
Hearing his voice, she gripped tighter from the rage. Spike. Obviously something had happened. He still had his back to her and slowly walked to the wall letting the blood run down his arm.
How dare he come back and not tell me!
Buffy suddenly shocked at what she just thought. What am I thinking, the guy comes back after he tried to rape me and I'm angry that he didn't waltz in the magic shop and announce his return. Everyone would have freaked and try to stake him. Except for maybe Dawn…
She hadn't noticed that the yelling and throwing had stopped and he just faced the wall leaning against his hands. Silently sobbing.
Snapping out of her mental rambling she focused her attention on what stood before her. Spike had not bleached his hair in awhile and let it grow out making it a wavy deep blond. He was wearing dirt covered black t-shirt and black jeans. His frame was gaunt, but those muscles seemed to still be there.
Buffy saw he was crying, she had never seen him cry. Dawn had said he cried when she died. But never had witnessed the pain that emanated from him when tears ran down his face.
Her heart leapt out to him
"Spike"
She wish that she kept her mouth shut, remembering who this crying man was.
God what am I thinking today, he isn't some innocent with a broken heart, he doesn't even have a heart.
She saw his body instantly become rigid, his muscles stressed bulging through the thin skin on his body. He stopped crying and raised his head, but didn't turn to face her. Body still rigid.
Probably scared that I'd stake him...good...
Deciding to go through with this she approached slowly, gripping the stake, not knowing how he would react.
"spike" she said coldly as she could.
She expected him to turn and face her. Her voice was supposed to be a warning that she was in kill mode. But he just stood there facing the wall, still clenching and constricting every muscle.
"Slayer"
A chill ran through her spine. Usually he said her title with some sort of passion, hate, fear, or love. But this was flat, uncaring, zombie like, and it was creeping her out. But the voice in her head cheered.
Finally acting like the thing he is, maybe I'll finally get to stake the bastard.
"Spike why are you here?"
She tried to be as cold as she could, trying to frighten some emotion into him. She wanted to see those eyes. The eyes she saw in here dreams and nightmares. The blue that always seemed to stun and pierce her soul. But like a unmoving statue, he stayed motionless.
"My crypt luv."
Still flat, the last word usually tinged with happiness. But now it seemed mechanical.
She stopped about 4 feet away from the Romanesque statue. Buffy was seriously annoyed by now at the lack of response and emotion. Crossing her arms over her chest, stake still in hand.
Fine if I don't scare you, how about I just piss you off.
"You left remember, ditched us. Not surprising though, after all you're a murdering rapist. What I am surprised at is the fact you didn't stay to gloat."
He didn't move and inch. Though she thought she saw his muscles clench even more, which didn't seem possible.
"Sorry luv had things to do."
She almost jumped back. She expected rage, sadness, anything but flat none caring void that was now his words. Buffy eyed the tense figure, seriously nervous, Spike had never been the one to have a lack of anger. Her voice came out in a whisper, unintentionally.
"Where did you go?"
"Africa"
"AFRICA!"
She shouted in surprise. Quickly catching the urge to go on a rant and composing herself.
AFRICA! L.A. sure, England okay, but Africa!
"Why did you go there?" letting a hint of curiosity drip from the words.
"Went to get the chip out"
The words sunk in and Buffy went into panic mode. Trying not to show it, even if he wasn't facing her.
OH GOD! The chips out, he could go after Xander, Anya, anyone even Dawn. Oh god! What if he already got to them?
Moving slowly, not to alarm him to her intention, aimed for the killing blow.
" What happened, the usual killing spree or did your sick mind decide to be like Angelus and have some fun with torture."
She was about to dust him when he spoke.
"Couldn't, got my soul 'stead."
Her hand stopped in mid air.
Soul, he has a soul, no can't be, can't be...but...he does...seem different. Could be a scam, just not to dust him, or could be a trap.
"Y-you have a soul, why"
Already she knew the answer. But she wanted to hear it from him. Wanted him to say it with all his love. To hear the Spike she knew that she couldn't love. So maybe it would be easier for her to turn him down.
"For you"
Nothing, not even a tone, not a waver, not high, not low. Just meaningless words. It boiled her blood.
"For me, what did you think would happen, I would fall in love with you. Forget what you tried to do to me. Forget that you wouldn't stop. Forget the shame and fear. Did you think anyone was going to forgive you. We don't forgive monsters like you, uncaring and unfeeling…"
She hadn't noticed that while she screamed at him that his fists clenched and were running with blood as the nails popped the skin into his palms. Before she could continue he roared and slammed his bloody fist into the wall, cracking mortar and brick.
The punch shook the crypt and She immediately snapped shut startled and shocked. Spike removed his now broken bloody hand from the wall and turned to finally face her.
Buffy gasped and took a step back as she saw his face. The raw anger and self hatred poured from his eyes that she once longed to see, now terrifying her.
"what do you want"
His voice quivering, trying to hold the emotion from exploding. Tears welling up in his eyes. She couldn't think, there was too much in that face for her to speak though she tried.
"I-I w..."
"What do you want, you want me to just stand and take the punches and kicks?"
He started to advance slowly. Instantly she backed up at the same space, not sure what he would do.
"Do you want me to go and walk in the sunlight, turn into dust and leave you?"
She tried to answer but her mind was working too fast for her to register. She just backed up shocked at the sheer force of the emotion from his body. She hadn't realized how her words wounded him. She didn't realize he could be wounded.
Maybe I pushed him to far...What is he going to do...Maybe I pushed him to far...I got to get out...The chip doesn't protect me...No were to go...Those eyes...The pain...Maybe I pushed him to far...
She backed into the wall. Lost in his eyes. She couldn't move, or say anything. Each word hitting her like a punch causing her to realize the hurt she put on him.
"Do you want me to beg, to you want me to say I'm sorry. Do you want me to tell you..."
Spikes emotions were at the breaking point. His body was electrified with each word, the pain ripping him apart inside. On the verge of tears. With swift movement he grabbed the hand with the steak and placed the point over his heart. Gripping it tightly so she couldn't pull away, he began to push the stake in, making it's way slowly through the skin.
"...that each time I close my eyes I see your face, full of hate and fear. To walk every day and know that I hurt the one I loved with all my being. Knowing I can't be forgiven, not even by myself."
Making its way through muscle and flesh.
Tears streaming down his face, he push harder. She resisted, but the sadness of what he was saying and doing drained her strength. Tears threatening to poor down her face.
"To wake up every night screaming at a monster in the bathroom to stop hurting you, then to realize it's me. To know that nothing, not even ending my life can take back what I've done."
Hitting the ribcage
The pain was blinding. Blood pooled on the floor below. But he stood strong, and kept pushing.
Stop it, please, don't Spike..
"And to know that no matter what I do, the person I love will hate me"
She wanted to cry out to him, tell him everything, forgive him, but something held her back. All she could muster was a whisper.
"Spike...I'm sorry...please...don't...don't..."
He didn't hear her. He didn't care anymore, pain and the guilt didn't stop coming. He wanted out. Decided to do the only thing he thought that would make her happy.
"Be happy that I'll burn in hell for you...luv..."
The stake plunged through his heart and he collapsed into dust.
Buffy dropped to her knees, numb, unable to comprehend what he had just done. Until her mind screamed and she screamed with it. Dropping the stake.
"SPIKE!!!!!!!SPIKE!!!!!!"
Tears running down her face.
"I FORGIVE YOU...I'M SORRY...I FORGIVE YOOUU!!!!!!"
She broke down. Crying his name. Beating her hand against the ground, as if to some how somehow bring him back. To forgive him.
It had been a month since he left. Leaving her. Alone among friends. She shook herself trying to rid herself of any kind thought of the long gone vamp.
How could he, the bastard left when I needed him the most.
Course then she didn't want his help, wanted to stake him on sight and get rid of the attempted rapist. A shudder ran through her body as she tried to shove the memories out of thought.
No she didn't want to see him now, or ever.
She repeated to herself over and over.
Think of something else.
Dawn and her had been getting closer, and as the closer she got the more she noticed Dawn missed him. They had been friends while Buffy was gone, he had protected her as promised. Dawn never felt she was a part of the group and found solace with Spike.
Buffy of all people, could understand that, Spike never judged who you were, he brought it up often enough just to annoy you, but never shook his head in disgust or thought less of you.
Damn it, Stop thinking about him!
-------------------------------------------
She had been patrolling for hours trying to avoid arriving at the place she knew would bring back the bad memories. But no matter how hard she tried each night she ended in front of Spikes crypt. This night wasn't much different.
After dusting her seventh vamp of the night she slowly made her way to the steel door. She didn't notice the door were oddly ajar until she heard a roar of anger and things breaking against the walls. She saw a glimmer of light seep through and saw the door had been forced.
Someone must be looking for what Spike owed in kittens.
Who or whatever it was, it sounded pissed. She slowly snuck through the doors, she didn't want to have to deal with this.
Just sneak up, kill it and go home.
Buffy gripped the stake in her hand and observed the intruder. Probably a vamp. He had his back to her, he was tall, dressed in black. She noticed that he didn't seem to be searching, just tossing things around in anger.
She was about to run up and skewer when it the vamp threw a bottle against a nearby wall. A glass shard struck him in the arm. Gripping the injured arm he yelled from the sharp pain. "Bullocks!".
Hearing his voice, she gripped tighter from the rage. Spike. Obviously something had happened. He still had his back to her and slowly walked to the wall letting the blood run down his arm.
How dare he come back and not tell me!
Buffy suddenly shocked at what she just thought. What am I thinking, the guy comes back after he tried to rape me and I'm angry that he didn't waltz in the magic shop and announce his return. Everyone would have freaked and try to stake him. Except for maybe Dawn…
She hadn't noticed that the yelling and throwing had stopped and he just faced the wall leaning against his hands. Silently sobbing.
Snapping out of her mental rambling she focused her attention on what stood before her. Spike had not bleached his hair in awhile and let it grow out making it a wavy deep blond. He was wearing dirt covered black t-shirt and black jeans. His frame was gaunt, but those muscles seemed to still be there.
Buffy saw he was crying, she had never seen him cry. Dawn had said he cried when she died. But never had witnessed the pain that emanated from him when tears ran down his face.
Her heart leapt out to him
"Spike"
She wish that she kept her mouth shut, remembering who this crying man was.
God what am I thinking today, he isn't some innocent with a broken heart, he doesn't even have a heart.
She saw his body instantly become rigid, his muscles stressed bulging through the thin skin on his body. He stopped crying and raised his head, but didn't turn to face her. Body still rigid.
Probably scared that I'd stake him...good...
Deciding to go through with this she approached slowly, gripping the stake, not knowing how he would react.
"spike" she said coldly as she could.
She expected him to turn and face her. Her voice was supposed to be a warning that she was in kill mode. But he just stood there facing the wall, still clenching and constricting every muscle.
"Slayer"
A chill ran through her spine. Usually he said her title with some sort of passion, hate, fear, or love. But this was flat, uncaring, zombie like, and it was creeping her out. But the voice in her head cheered.
Finally acting like the thing he is, maybe I'll finally get to stake the bastard.
"Spike why are you here?"
She tried to be as cold as she could, trying to frighten some emotion into him. She wanted to see those eyes. The eyes she saw in here dreams and nightmares. The blue that always seemed to stun and pierce her soul. But like a unmoving statue, he stayed motionless.
"My crypt luv."
Still flat, the last word usually tinged with happiness. But now it seemed mechanical.
She stopped about 4 feet away from the Romanesque statue. Buffy was seriously annoyed by now at the lack of response and emotion. Crossing her arms over her chest, stake still in hand.
Fine if I don't scare you, how about I just piss you off.
"You left remember, ditched us. Not surprising though, after all you're a murdering rapist. What I am surprised at is the fact you didn't stay to gloat."
He didn't move and inch. Though she thought she saw his muscles clench even more, which didn't seem possible.
"Sorry luv had things to do."
She almost jumped back. She expected rage, sadness, anything but flat none caring void that was now his words. Buffy eyed the tense figure, seriously nervous, Spike had never been the one to have a lack of anger. Her voice came out in a whisper, unintentionally.
"Where did you go?"
"Africa"
"AFRICA!"
She shouted in surprise. Quickly catching the urge to go on a rant and composing herself.
AFRICA! L.A. sure, England okay, but Africa!
"Why did you go there?" letting a hint of curiosity drip from the words.
"Went to get the chip out"
The words sunk in and Buffy went into panic mode. Trying not to show it, even if he wasn't facing her.
OH GOD! The chips out, he could go after Xander, Anya, anyone even Dawn. Oh god! What if he already got to them?
Moving slowly, not to alarm him to her intention, aimed for the killing blow.
" What happened, the usual killing spree or did your sick mind decide to be like Angelus and have some fun with torture."
She was about to dust him when he spoke.
"Couldn't, got my soul 'stead."
Her hand stopped in mid air.
Soul, he has a soul, no can't be, can't be...but...he does...seem different. Could be a scam, just not to dust him, or could be a trap.
"Y-you have a soul, why"
Already she knew the answer. But she wanted to hear it from him. Wanted him to say it with all his love. To hear the Spike she knew that she couldn't love. So maybe it would be easier for her to turn him down.
"For you"
Nothing, not even a tone, not a waver, not high, not low. Just meaningless words. It boiled her blood.
"For me, what did you think would happen, I would fall in love with you. Forget what you tried to do to me. Forget that you wouldn't stop. Forget the shame and fear. Did you think anyone was going to forgive you. We don't forgive monsters like you, uncaring and unfeeling…"
She hadn't noticed that while she screamed at him that his fists clenched and were running with blood as the nails popped the skin into his palms. Before she could continue he roared and slammed his bloody fist into the wall, cracking mortar and brick.
The punch shook the crypt and She immediately snapped shut startled and shocked. Spike removed his now broken bloody hand from the wall and turned to finally face her.
Buffy gasped and took a step back as she saw his face. The raw anger and self hatred poured from his eyes that she once longed to see, now terrifying her.
"what do you want"
His voice quivering, trying to hold the emotion from exploding. Tears welling up in his eyes. She couldn't think, there was too much in that face for her to speak though she tried.
"I-I w..."
"What do you want, you want me to just stand and take the punches and kicks?"
He started to advance slowly. Instantly she backed up at the same space, not sure what he would do.
"Do you want me to go and walk in the sunlight, turn into dust and leave you?"
She tried to answer but her mind was working too fast for her to register. She just backed up shocked at the sheer force of the emotion from his body. She hadn't realized how her words wounded him. She didn't realize he could be wounded.
Maybe I pushed him to far...What is he going to do...Maybe I pushed him to far...I got to get out...The chip doesn't protect me...No were to go...Those eyes...The pain...Maybe I pushed him to far...
She backed into the wall. Lost in his eyes. She couldn't move, or say anything. Each word hitting her like a punch causing her to realize the hurt she put on him.
"Do you want me to beg, to you want me to say I'm sorry. Do you want me to tell you..."
Spikes emotions were at the breaking point. His body was electrified with each word, the pain ripping him apart inside. On the verge of tears. With swift movement he grabbed the hand with the steak and placed the point over his heart. Gripping it tightly so she couldn't pull away, he began to push the stake in, making it's way slowly through the skin.
"...that each time I close my eyes I see your face, full of hate and fear. To walk every day and know that I hurt the one I loved with all my being. Knowing I can't be forgiven, not even by myself."
Making its way through muscle and flesh.
Tears streaming down his face, he push harder. She resisted, but the sadness of what he was saying and doing drained her strength. Tears threatening to poor down her face.
"To wake up every night screaming at a monster in the bathroom to stop hurting you, then to realize it's me. To know that nothing, not even ending my life can take back what I've done."
Hitting the ribcage
The pain was blinding. Blood pooled on the floor below. But he stood strong, and kept pushing.
Stop it, please, don't Spike..
"And to know that no matter what I do, the person I love will hate me"
She wanted to cry out to him, tell him everything, forgive him, but something held her back. All she could muster was a whisper.
"Spike...I'm sorry...please...don't...don't..."
He didn't hear her. He didn't care anymore, pain and the guilt didn't stop coming. He wanted out. Decided to do the only thing he thought that would make her happy.
"Be happy that I'll burn in hell for you...luv..."
The stake plunged through his heart and he collapsed into dust.
Buffy dropped to her knees, numb, unable to comprehend what he had just done. Until her mind screamed and she screamed with it. Dropping the stake.
"SPIKE!!!!!!!SPIKE!!!!!!"
Tears running down her face.
"I FORGIVE YOU...I'M SORRY...I FORGIVE YOOUU!!!!!!"
She broke down. Crying his name. Beating her hand against the ground, as if to some how somehow bring him back. To forgive him.