Was it the way the wind was blowing that rainy April morning? Or how another day passed spent tired and alone for Susan Bones. Whatever it was, that morning she finally made up her mind. By the time everyone would be sitting down, enjoying their delicious dinners, Susan would be dead.
It wasn't a sudden decision; it had been a thought that captivated her mind for so long that it was hard to remember a time when it wasn't there, because to be perfectly honest, it had always been there for Susan; a small nagging feeling in the back of her mind, growing stronger and more prominent as time passed.
Something always stopped her though, like it was never meant to be. So like most of the good things in Susan's life, she just forgot about it. But for the past few weeks, the thought just wouldn't leave her mind. It was there in the morning when she brushed her teeth, it was there in the afternoon when she was in Potions, and it was even there during the Quidditch matches that she attended regularly. At times, Susan felt herself even thinking about it during the final moments she was awake before falling fast asleep. But the past few weeks had been different. Before when she thought about it, she would only think in vagueness, but now it was all changed. She was now thinking of ways of doing it, she was thinking about who would find her, she even went as far as to think of her funeral. So when she made her final decision the night before, she knew this time it was for real. There was no hesitation, there was no thought of regret, there was just a decision.
Susan treated the morning like any other morning. She smiled at her dorm mates who didn't even acknowledge she was there. I be they won't even notice when I'm gone either. She thought as she left to go get ready for the day ahead of her. Susan planned on attending all her classes then find a comfortable spot to spend her final few minutes. It was all worked out in her mind. Her final class of the day was Potions, in which the dimwitted Professor Slughorn paid no attention to anyone in the class except for the famous Harry Potter, so stealing a fatal potion would be the easy part. Doing it without anyone noticing would be the harder part.
Breakfast was easy. Susan sat alone in the corner of the Hufflepuff table, watching all of the other happy, smiling and joking students eating just another normal, everyday breakfast. But to Susan, this was her last. She wouldn't wake up another morning and come down to the Great Hall to get her regular plate of bacon, eggs and a sausage, this was the final time. Her eyes bounced from face to face for each person in the entire hall. She couldn't help but think that this might be the final time she saw any of them, so she took long looks at everyone, making sure not a single face went unseen.
It didn't take long for people to start packing up and heading to their first classes, but Susan took her time. If this was going to be her last breakfast, she wanted to enjoy it at her own leisure. Just as she finished, grabbed her back off the bench beside her and stood up to leave, she bumped into someone. Susan was startled and teetered back a few feet. She looked up at the face of the person she had it and was oddly surprised.
"Oh, sorry, Susan." Hannah Abbot said. Hannah had been Susan's best friend for the longest time, but after a few drinks, some bad decisions and a fight that was talked about for ages, which eventually left Susan alone and abandoned, their friendship ended. Susan looked at her face and wanted to say so many things, but she couldn't bring herself to say them. "It's alright. I wasn't looking." She said, flinging her bag over her shoulder and walking off. Hannah turned around and grabbed Susan's arm. She was surprised when she felt Hannah's long fingers grasp Susan's tiny arm. "Susan…" Hannah started. Susan turned around and faced her, letting Hannah's hands fall from her arm. They stared at each other for a second. It looked like Hannah had something to say, but she wouldn't say it. Susan was too off in her own mind to think of something to say, so she turned around and left the Great Hall, leaving Hannah standing in between two long tables belonging to the Hufflepuff and Gryffindor houses.
Susan took a few deep breaths and walked on. She wished she could go back in there and yell at her. She wanted so bad to tell her it was all her fault that this was how she was going to end. Hannah spread rumors about Susan after their fling that ruined Susan's reputation for good. No one could look at her the same way, which was one of the reasons Susan had failed at making any new friends.
She wanted to run back and scream at her, but she just kept walking. Susan walked until she was outside her History of Magic class, a class that wasn't at all interesting to Susan in the least. She usually sat in the back corner, drawing hearts and doodles all over her notebooks. The hearts surrounding a particular name belonging to a particular boy that Susan had always felt something for.
Ron Weasley was the only bit of hope Susan had left. Whenever she was feeling alone or sad, she could always go and say hello to him and just like that she was happy. Ron didn't seem to be bothered by the vicious rumors that were spread about her. Susan hoped that he was one of the few that were smart enough to know that they weren't true, and her hopes were met when Ron didn't change the friendship they had after it all had happened. But recently, he seemed so distant. Whenever Susan would say hello, he would nod and walk along. No longer was it a friendly conversation or even a hello back, just a nod. Susan tried to justify the way he had started treating her. For one, he was on the Quidditch team, which meant he probably stressed out about the practices and games. Another, he was going through so much with his closest friends Harry and Hermione that it could be stressing him out. But the only reason that stuck out in her mind was that he was heart broken. Hermione Granger, Ron's secret crush, had started dating the famous Quidditch player Victor Krum. Susan wasn't stupid, she saw the way Ron looked at Hermione. It broke her heart every time she did, but had always found a way of looking away as fast as she could to avoid her own tears. But now that Hermione and Victor had broken up, Ron was acting even more strange around Hermione. He would carry her things, compliment her hair, and even go as far as to hug her in the halls. Susan watched on in horror, every bit of her heart breaking.
The final day was no different. As Susan entered the History of Magic class, the first place her eyes went were straight to Ron and Hermione sitting towards the back, talking about something that was probably quite funny, seeing as both of them were laughing together. Harry was too occupied talking to Seamus to even notice anything, so Susan took her regular seat in the back corner alone. She glanced at Ron every few minutes, then looking away the moment his eyes left the pages of the book. Once again, she resisted the urge to stand up and say something. What would he think if he knew this was the last time he would ever see her? Susan put the thought out of her mind, knowing damn well that he probably wouldn't even care.
After an hour and a half of Professor Binnis talking in a dull and lifeless voice, the class got up to go to their next class, which to the Hufflepuff and Gryffindor sixth years was Herbology. Susan packed her books into her bag and started to leave. She was the second last to leave the room besides Ron. He stayed back talking to Professor Binnis about missed work, which prompted Susan to take an extra few minutes getting ready to leave. Even though she didn't want to talk to him all that much, she couldn't resist possibly getting a few words in, even if those words were just a few friendly hellos.
Susan left the room after watching Ron pick up his books and his back. She walked down the hall and just how she hoped, she heard fast approaching footsteps and a touch on her shoulder. "Hey, Susan." The voice said. Susan resisted the feeling to smile from ear to ear and met his eyes with a friendly, small smile. "Hi, Ron." She said. They walked a little more without saying anything before Ron cleared his throat. "How are you?" He asked.
So many things rushed through her mind. I could tell him how I really am and maybe he'll actually care. I could tell him what I'm really feeling, but he could think I'm crazy and never want to talk to me again. I could tell him what I'm about to do, but then he'd make a big scene and tell someone, where I would probably be sent to St. Mungo's in the psych ward. Susan's mind raced. She looked up at him and forced a slight smile. ""Fine." Ron nodded and they walked the rest of the way there in silence.
Herbology was their final class before lunch, then after that it would be double potions for the rest of the afternoon. The class was rather boring. Instead of a hands-on day, it was a simple book exercise where they focused on the different types of underwater sea plants that helped in the cure of the muggle disease chicken pocks. In this time, Susan figured out her plan to steal a potion from Professor Slughorns 'secret stash' of dangerous and highly lethal potions. Susan always wondered why everyone called it a 'secret stash'. After all, everyone knew about it, and the teachers didn't do anything to cover it up either. They all told the students that it was there, but that it would be very dangerous to go and use anything from it, the worst consequence being death. However, today was the day that that consequence sounded the best to Susan.
By the time Herbology had ended, Susan had devised the most absolutely perfect plan to get what she wanted without a single person even noticing. Once again, she packed up her bag and headed out of the classroom, this time, not followed by Ron.
She walked along the corridors slowly; her hand brushing up against the pillars that held up the beautiful, magical crafted ceiling. The rain had cleared up and left the sun shining brighter than ever. It was only then that Susan questioned her decision. Is this really what I want? She asked herself. Just as the words crossed her mind, a jolt of energy pushed her to the ground, her books falling out of her bag and sprawling around the hall. She heard a girl laugh and Susan looked up to see who it was. Just as Susan looked up, the girl put her wand back in her pocket and smirked at Susan. It was Pansy Parkinson, the one that helped Hannah spread all the terrible rumors about her. "You should be more careful, Bones, someone might trip over you and get hurt!" She turned to the other Slytherin girls that were standing with her and laughed. They all laughed and pointed at Susan, and she could feel all the anger and hatred growing back inside her.
Susan stood up fast and brushed herself off. She turned away quickly and ran down the hall. She ran until she couldn't hear the shrieking laughter echoing in her ears, she ran until her legs burned like they were on fire, she ran until her eyes blurred with from the tears building up in her eyes.
When she finally stopped she let the tears flow freely from her face. It was completely typical that the only time she would question her decision, something like that would happen. Susan took it as a sign and wiped off her face. She refused to cry on her final day on the earth, and if that meant sucking up all the pain and pretending it wasn't there, than that was exactly what she was to do. Susan looked around at where she was and saw she was in the courtyard alone. Luckily, no one had been there to see her cry, if even a first year was there, Susan would be mortified and possibly just paid the poor kid to point the killing curse at her right then and there. But luckily, not a soul was there, not even Susan's.
She took a deep breath and sat on a bench beside a small garden. Beautiful blue, pink and yellow flowers were blossoming just in time for spring. She wiped the remaining tears from her face and bent down to pick one up. Susan twirled the flower's steam in her hand for a few minutes before throwing it back on the ground. Nothing was beautiful anymore, everything was just there. She could feel the end near; she could feel herself getting ready to go. It wasn't even a hard thought to process anymore. It was just a regular thought now.
As time passed, she heard the familiar sound of the class bell ringing. She hardly even noticed how long she was sitting there until she realized if she didn't hurry she would be late for double Potions.
The walk to class seemed a lot shorter than usual. With a million thoughts and her plan running through her mind, she was so distracted when she finally entered the room to realize that she was perfectly on time. The bell rang for classes to begin, and Susan took her seat in the far back corner, just where she liked it.
Potions was shared with the Gryffindors and the Ravenclaws, which meant for some serious house rivalries, but today was different. Susan didn't want to take part in any potion making competition between houses, but she didn't usually anyway, so when she opted out to work on her potion alone, no one even questioned her.
Everyone was focusing in groups and talking amongst themselves to even notice the glimmer in her eye when Susan saw the 'secret stash' of dangerous potions. Professor Slughorn was oagling over everything Harry did, and Ron was busy attempting not to blow his face off to notice Susan get out of her seat and walk straight to the back door. It was in the back room that all the most dangerous potions were kept. She pulled out her wand and pointed it at the lock. "Alohamora." She whispered, barely even loud enough for herself to hear. With a slight click, the lock broke and the door swung open ever so slightly. Susan's eyes were fixed on Professor Slughorn. If he even noticed slightly that Susan was doing something she shouldn't be doing, she would be immediately sent to Professor Dumbledore for further punishment. But luckily, Harry was doing something right, and he didn't turn around. She slipped through the crack in the door, thankful that she was small enough to not have to open the door too wide.
When she finally was in the room, she closed the door, leaving it open just a crack so that she could get back out. Susan gripped her wand tighter. "Lumos." She whispered again. The end of her wand lit up and she quickly looked around the tiny, closet sized room. Potions were stacked up on almost a dozen shelves. Susan eyed all of them, trying to find what she needed. She knew it was there, finding it would be the hard part. Just as her hopes started to get lower, she saw it. A small, purple flask with a skull and cross-bones on it. "Desinite" was written in dark letters on the side. Susan reached out and grabbed it off of the shelf and shoved it in her robe's pocket. "Nox." She whispered and the light went out. Susan slipped through the door and returned the lock how it was before she had been there.
For the rest of the class, Susan could barely focus. The weight of the potion in her pocket was weighing her down. Even though it was as light as a feather, the pure thought of it being there brought so many emotions to her that she couldn't even read the ingredients sheet right.
What felt like forever was only a few hours, but finally the class ended. The class poured out, leaving a mess for Professor Slughorn to clean up. Susan made sure that she cleaned everything perfectly. If anything, she wanted to leave her Professor a positive last memory of her.
Susan left the class quickly. Her hand was shaky and her knees were quivering. She walked up the stairs back to the Hufflepuff common room. Susan had yet to figure out where she was going to do it, but she figured she should at least say a final few words to a few people before she was gone for good. So Susan walked down to the basement where the Hufflepuff common room was and walked through the entrance. Students sat casually talking with their friends, completely ignoring the fact that someone who was about to kill themselves had entered the room. None of them knew. Not one of them. The mere thought of that made Susan feel powerful.
She walked past a group of gossiping fifth years that watched Susan pass them. She pretended not to notice and kept looking forward. Susan could feel the potion in her pocket, it almost felt like it was screaming at her to take it. The stairs to her dormitory were steeper than ususal, taking even more effort to push herself up them. It may have been that she was so focused on what she was about to do or that it would be her last time walking up those stairs, but for some reason there just seemed like there were so much more of them.
When Susan reached the door she walked in and set her robes on her bed. She was completely alone, but she didn't want to do it here. She wanted to be more comfortable, and her room that she shared with four other girls that never even really liked her didn't seem comfortable to her. Susan decided on the Room of Requirement. All she had to do was think of a place where she could escape to, and the room would appear itself. It seemed absolutely perfect.
Susan got dressed in the nicest clothes she owned. She wanted to feel even just a little bit beautiful on her last day, even if she knew she wasn't. No one had ever said she was pretty, no one had even told her they loved her. Her parents died before she could even remember their face, her aunt hated her from the moment she came to live with them, and her uncle was too afraid to do anything that his wife didn't approve of. Susan had been alone her whole life, left with her own mind to ponder her own fate, and this was the decision she had come up with.
She walked to the door and took one last look at the room. She had so many memories in there, but none that came out even slightly happy. So many times she fell asleep silently crying and so many times she had come up here to hide when everyone teased her about the rumors. But never had she remembered a time where she came up here just to be happy, and now she never would. She turned and closed the door behind her. The potion was tucked tightly in her front pocket, her hand resting on the outside, feeling it. Susan walked down the stairs slowly. There seemed like so much less now that she was going down, and before she knew it, she was standing at the bottom of the steps, facing students she would never see again after today. She scanned the room and walked on. No one willing to speak her last words to was there, so she just kept walking.
Leaving the Hufflepuff common room was easier than she thought it would be. After all, she never really did feel like a Hufflepuff. Despite being sorted there on her first day of Hogwarts, Susan never felt a part of them. She never really felt a part of anything other than herself. So she walked the halls slowly, breathing every smell in, looking at all the paintings that lined the hall and just kept walking.
Finally, she made her way up the stairs. She waited as the changing staircases came to meet her to take her up to the seventh floor where the Room of Requirement was. The picture of her parents she decided to take with her was tucked in her back pocket, and with every step she took she could feel it. It almost made her feel safe, like in an hour or so, she would be with them; the family that she missed out on.
Just as she made her way to the third floor, she passed a few students. They didn't make eye contact, but she recognized one of them. It was Hermione.
"Hermione." Susan said, almost not wanting to say it at all. Hermione turned around and smiled at Susan. "Oh hey, Sus. I didn't even see you." She walked up to Susan and smiled. She wasn't sure still if she even wanted to talk to Hermione, but she did want to say a few things while she had the chance. She wanted to word everything perfect so that Hermione wouldn't suspect a thing, so Susan took a deep breath in and forced a smile. "So how are things with you and Ron?" His name was the hardest thing to say. Hermione blushed. "Good, I guess. We're just friends though, you know that, right?" Hermione half smiled. Susan wanted to roll her eyes, but she just forced a light laugh. "Of course!" She regretted calling over Hermione now. "I just want to say…" Susan started out, still choosing the words in her mind perfectly. "…if you two do get together eventually…treat him right, okay? He deserves it." Susan forced a smile and refrained from crying. She wanted to be the one so bad to treat Ron right, just like he deserved, but if she wasn't going to be around, Hermione had better do a damn well perfect job. Hermione looked at her confused but then smiled. "Alright." She laughed and walked on. Susan breathed a sigh of relief when Hermione left. She didn't know how much longer she could keep up on that act. She turned and started up the stairs again.
Susan couldn't help but wonder what Hermione would think when she found out. How that conversation would be the last thing she ever said to her, and how impacting it would be on her life. She tried not to think about it like that in detail, but she couldn't help but wonder.
She was getting closer and closer to her destination, but there was still one person she had to at least say something to, and just like he read her mind once again, she saw him. Ron was leaning up against the railing waiting for the stairs to wrap around. It just so happened the set of stairs that he was waiting for was the ones that Susan was on. Just as it touched down, Ron looked up and saw her. He smiled lightly and waved. "Hey, Susan." He said. Susan forced another smile, looking over his face. "Hi, Ron." It was just like any other conversation they had ever had, but this time it was different, this time it would be their last. "How are you?" It was her turn to ask, remembering she never asked earlier that morning. Ron shrugged. "I'm fine I guess." He smiled at her. "How about you?"
Susan could feel her face getting hotter and hotter and sweat starting to form on her forehead. Ron looked at her confused when she didn't answer. "I'm fine." She forced out, her voice shaky. Ron looked down at her and focused on her eyes. He scrunched up his forehead like he was trying to figure something out but just kept staring at her. "Are you sure?" He finally asked. Susan stared up at him for a few seconds, she wanted to tell him she wasn't, she wanted to tell him she hadn't ever been fine, but she couldn't…she just couldn't. So she nodded and forced out another smile. Ron smiled at her. "Alright. I'll see you around." He turned and started to walk off. No, no you won't see me around. She thought, watching him walk away. Suddenly, Susan did something she didn't think she would do. She ran after him and caught up to him. Once she was finally in arms length distance she reached out and grabbed his hand. Ron was startled and turned around. He smiled at Susan, but he still looked confused. Susan didn't know why she caught up to him, she didn't even know why she wanted him to be the last person she saw, but she just did.
"Ron…I just want to say…" She gulped back the lump in her throat. Ron stared back at her, still smiling. "…thank you for being my friend…it means more to me than you could ever imagine." She said; her eyes glossed over. Ron smiled at her and gave her a big hug. He had never hugged her before, but something about his hug made her feel warm and happy, then he let go. "No problem." He smiled and turned around to leave again.
Susan was left alone in the middle of the stairs again; the only sound coming from the moving staircases above and below her. She took a deep breath and made her way back on her path up to the Room of Requirement.
It was surprisingly quite up on the seventh floor. Usually crowds of students were gathered around talking and laughing together, but tonight Susan was there on her own. She walked up to the empty part of wall that was the hidden entrance to the Room of Requirement. Susan closed her eyes and thought about what she wanted. The moment she opened her eyes, a magnificently large door appeared right before her eyes. For the first time in weeks she smiled for real. She walked up to the door and put her hand on the handle. It was cold, but at the same time it felt warm, it was possibly the weirdest sensation Susan had ever felt in her life. She opened the door a crack and slipped in. The room was empty except for a table in the center of the room and a chair. On the table was a piece of parchment and a long black quil. Susan knew exactly what it was for, and even though she knew what she came her to do, she knew what she had been planning, the thought of leaving a note was the scariest part. She didn't know what to say, she didn't even have anyone to say it to. So when she approached the desk, the parchment and the quill, she just sat down and looked at it.
Susan pulled the picture of her parents out of her back pocket and set it on the desk. She smoothed the creases and smiled at the moving picture of the both of them. They seemed so happy, but now they were dead, and soon enough, so would Susan. She pulled the potion out of her front pocket and set it beside the picture. There was an eerie silence in the room that made Susan almost a little uncomfortable. But just like the room had read her mind, a song started to play. The song was the most beautiful song Susan had heard in a long time. It was a beautiful violin piece that sounded sad yet magestic all in its own way. She looked around at the room as the song played and then down at the picture of her parents.
"This is it." She said in a quiet whisper. Susan picked up the quill and put it to the paper. She didn't have much to say, so she wrote down the only thing she could think of.
"Never underestimate the pain of a person because the truth is everyone is struggling. It's just some people hide it better than others."
Susan put the quill down and read over what she wrote a dozen times. It seemed perfect, and in a weird way, it's the only thing she wanted to say to anyone. No one knew how much she hurt, no one understood what she was feeling, but now they would all know.
Susan took the cork out of the bottle and set it on the desk. She picked up her parents picture and held it in her hands. "I'm coming home mom." She smiled and put the bottle to her lips.
The potion went down slowly. It was warm, and even made her throat tingle a little. Nothing happened for a few seconds until she finally felt her heart beating faster. This is what it felt like to die. She thought to herself. Susan looked back on her life and all the things that had happened to her. From being abandoned, to growing up in an orphanage, to being taken to her aunt and uncles, to her first day at Hogwarts. It all seemed so long ago now. Slowly she felt her eyes getting heavier and heavier and she dropped the bottle. It smashed on the floor and Susan fell off her chair. She lay on her back and looked up at the ceiling. Her body felt heavy and her head felt weak. Her hand that was held a tight grasp around the picture of her parents let the picture fall on the ground. With one final breath and a slight smile, Susan was gone.
The music kept playing for awhile. Never stopping. Susan's body laid in the middle of the room until finally someone came and found her. That someone, just happened to be Ron.
Ron had every intention of getting his studies caught up on, and the Room of Requirement felt like the most perfect spot to work at. He saw the door had already been there so he walked in expecting to see someone working there as well. The sight he saw made him stop. Susan was sprawled out on the ground, a note sitting on the desk. Ron ran to her and screamed her name. "Susan? Susan! SUSAN!" He put his hands behind her neck and lifted her up and propped her up on his knee. "Susan, come on, you're okay…come on." He tapped her cheek and squeezed her hand. Tears started to fill his eyes and he grabbed the note.
He read it slowly and crumpled it in his fist. "Why, Susan? WHY!" He screamed and cried. His tears fell on her face and rolled off her cheek. Ron held her closer to him and cradled her back and forth. "No, Susan…no…no…no…." He cried and cried until his no more tears would fall.
ALTERNATE ENDING
Susan lifted the potion to her lips. Suddenly there was a large crash at the door and someone walked in. Susan was startled and dropped the potion. "No!" She screamed trying to catch it. It smashed on the ground and spilt everywhere. Susan stood up and screamed in anger. She looked up at who it was that entered the room and tears started to stream down her face.
"Susan!" Ron rushed to her side. Susan pushed him off him. "You ruined everything!" She screamed and cried. Ron backed off confused and looked at the table. He picked up the note and the picture and read it over. "Susan is this…were you…?" He stared at her in horror. Susan covered her face and collapsed on the ground in tears. Ron dropped the note and the picture and jumped down to her. He wrapped his arms around her and rested her head under his chin. "Susan…why? Why would want to do this?" He asked, trying not to cry at the thought of losing her. Susan bawled and shook. Ron patted back her hair and rubbed her back. "No one loves me…no one cares about me…I'm nothing…I'm better off dead." She said through the tears. Ron backed his head up and leaned down to look in her eyes. "I care about you! I don't think you're nothing!...I love you." He kissed her forehead.
Susan raised her head and looked up to him with her big puffy, tear filled eyes. "You're just saying that because I was about to kill myself…" She said in a quiet, shaky voice. Ron smiled and shook his head. Susan looked down.
"Susan…a Hogwarts without you would be a Hogwarts not worth going to…" He put his finger under her chin and lifted her head so she was looking at him. "You mean a lot to me, Susan…Please know that." He kissed her forehead again. Susan stopped crying and stared up at him. She looked in his eyes and suddenly wrapped her arms around him, pulling him into a hug.
They sat on the floor and hugged for what felt like ages, neither of them wanting to get up. Suddenly, Susan pulled back and looked at him. "How did you know to come?" She asked. Ron smiled. "Don't think I'm stupid, Susan. I knew you weren't fine…and I saw you coming up here, so I thought I could talk to you…what you said about me being your friend really meant a lot to me too…I'll always be there for you." He smiled and hugged her again. Susan smiled and hugged him back. "So don't ever scare me like that again. Talk to me…I'll always listen to you…always…." Susan breathed slowly and rested her head on his chest.
She reached out and grabbed the note that was laying on the ground. Susan held it in her hands and ripped it in half, crunching both halves of it up and then throwing it away.