Triassic Migration
Synopsis: The Olivers and their three children make a long journey across the United States to start a new life in Oregon. Hijinks ensue.
Disclaimer: Power Rangers Dino Thunder is owned by the Walt Disney Company and Buena Vista Entertainment, inc. The Oregon Trail is published by Brøderbund and The Learning Company.
Rating: T due to language. It'd probably be K otherwise.
Note: This little masterpiece was written about a year and ten months ago after I had the opportunity to play the original version of "The Oregon Trail" again. I basically documented my runthrough, and then added various characters from Dino Thunder to the story to make it much more amusing. After recently finding it in my LiveJournal archives, I decided to upload it to for kicks. If your nostalgia kicks into high gear from reading this and you want to hit up some Oregon Trail action, you can play the game at www . virtualapple . org / oregontraildisk . html
On March 3, 1848, Tommy, a farmer from Illinois, decided to make the long journey to the prosperous Oregon with Kimberly, his wife, and his three children, Conner, Kira, and Ethan. After stocking up on $370 worth of supplies at Matt's General Store, they departed. The initial pace was grueling. They were only eating enough to keep them from fainting from hunger. They didn't have any access to incredible powers allowing them to transform into rainbow spandex suits and beat the crap out of random wildlife for food; no, Tommy had to hunt with good ol' fashioned muskets like everyone else. But the potential life they were heading for would be worth it.
Within three days, they had already traveled 102 miles and reached the Kansas River Crossing. Tommy did what any self respecting farmer would do; he attempted to ford the river and watched in heart-rending horror as the wagon flipped and his family and the attached oxen drowned on their way down the river. No, wait, that's not right. Oh yes! He caulked the wagon and floated it right across. Eat it, punk!
Upon reaching the Big Blue River Crossing, which didn't look anything like an F-Zero racing course on a water planet from the year 2201, Tommy pulled Conner and Ethan off their comfortable asses in the wagon to hunt for 11 days straight. Conner complained about getting his hair messed up, and Ethan just wanted to go back in and continue his studies of US history, but Tommy was adamant, and Kim and Kira were damn hungry. They shot almost 6,000 lbs. of big ass buffalo meat during the week and a half, but the three of them were too scrawny to drag back to the wagon any more than 100 pounds of meat a day.
Along the way to the next landmark, the group passed a gravesite. The most prominent grave read "Here lies andy... peperony and chease". I can't make this crap up people. They soon reached Fort Kerney, but didn't even bother to stop to look around, because the people at the forts charge exorbitant prices for everything, and are insensible bastards as well. Along the way to Chimney Rock, Kimberly came down with typhoid. Tommy immediately ground the procession to a halt, because you know how Tommy is with his "OMG I LOVE KIMBERLY DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO HER OR I'LL FALL INTO A DEEP PIT OF SUFFERING AND GUILT" mentality. So the family rested, with the guys hunting, and the meals increasing from miniscule to feast sizes until she got better. Meanwhile, Conner was still trying to figure out why, while he hunted, squirrels docily trotted along, touched a bush, and then mysteriously shot north at 75 miles per hour. Ethan claimed it was a bug in the game's code, but Conner had no idea what the hell he was talking about.
The crew reached Chimney Rock on April 15. Tommy and the restored Kim gazed at it in wonder. Conner made an inane crack about rocky protusions. Ethan made an inane crack about Conner's mental stability. Kira made an inane crack about the boys' maturity levels and lazy ass attitudes. Kim agreed with her and pointed out that they were already running late, which was really to be expected with you know who as field commander. Tommy yelled, dropkicked Kim and Kira to the floor of the wagon, tossed Conner over his hip inside, piledrived Ethan onto an ox's back, and then grabed the whip and tore it into the yoked beasts, sending the entire progression flying.
They got within range of Fort Laramie when a gigantic message of white text on a black background scrolled across the sky, telling them to insert disk 2. All five screamed in terror and whipped the oxen into Megazord Tank Mode speed until they passed the message and the fort, with its insane amount of Injins, Pioneers, and long eared dogs, completely by.
On May 4, 1848, they passed by a solitary bush stock full of wild fruit. Bitchin!
On May 6, they found more wild fruit. Still bitchin!
Upon reaching Independence Rock on the 11th, Tommy realized that he'd been driving everyone to exhaustion and that Kira had a snakebite, so he stoped for more hunting, resting, and eating. Smart move, but you're still sleeping outside with the oxen tonight instead of in the bed with Kim.
The crew reached the South Pass on June 1. They were doing pretty good at this point, though they were low on water. While Tommy traded for supplies, Conner took the oppurtunity to hit on some hot native American women riding around on horses for no reason. At the fork in the path, they headed for Fort Bridger, because Green River was big enough for them to fall in and drown, though it might be fun to watch. Kimberly got cholera on the way, so downtime ahoy! No buffalo anywhere nearby, but them be some BEARZ, so plenty of food was gathered to keep everyone in high spirits. More wild fruit was found on the way to Fort Bridger, and they passed the fort up because the tents looked raggedy and who knew what kind of freaks could've been in that area. Ethan even thought he saw some guy dressed like Zeltrax. The grass and water got very low on the way to Soda Springs, so Tommy rested up for another week, and then dropped their pace to a steady one to give the oxen time to, you know, not die. As they continued, they came across an abandoned wagon with a extra wheel and a set of clothes. Conner snatched the clothes up, because they looked rather sexy for 1848. Kim smashed her son over the head with a spare wheel she found in the same wreck before putting it away.
Bad water, little water, and inadequate grass abounded on the way to Snake River, and Conner broke an arm (thank goodness he didn't break a leg, the soccer playing freak) so the crew left their pace slow and their rations high. Upon reaching Snake River, Tommy hired a Shoshoni guide to help them float their wagon across the dangerous river. In exchange, he gave the guide the sexy set of clothes Conner lifted from the abandoned wagon and a negligee he found in Ethan's bags. Wait, what the hell?
One of the oxen injured itself after passing Fort Boise while en route to Blue Mountains, so the team took another protacted rest stop. Conner was tired of hunting, but you can't say no to rampant BEARZ. Once rations were full again and everybody was ready to go, Conner picked that totally innapropriate time to come down with measles. Argh. Thanks to them taking their time, it was October 31... would they make it to Oregon before the chilling winter set in? Not without casualties; one of the oxen died only 20 miles away from Blue Mountains.
At the following fork, they turned for the Dalles, in an attempt to shave a few days off their time. Once there, instead of paying the toll man a ridiculous amount of money to cross the more dangerous Barlow, Tommy caulked the wagon on up and they floated down the Columbia River! Boulders dropped off the sides constantly, and Tommy swerved the wagon left and right as if he were driving a Turbo zord, with Kim and Ethan screaming in terror and Conner and Kira screaming in excitement. Tommy successfully landed the wagon at the trail to Willamette Valley, but not before getting smacked by his wife several times.
On December 8, 1848, the family finally made it to Willamette Valley, Oregon. They had all five family members in good health, a fully working wagon, five oxen still alive, five spare wagon parts and eight sets of clothing (they lost a few wheels and clothes by beaching too early on the trip down the river), 215 bullets, 881 pounds of food, and $30 in cash. More than enough to start their new life, and thanks to Tommy's job as a farmer (ha), the value was tripled, netting them 7923 points for the entire journey! Though they had no idea what the points were, or even what you could use them for. But apparently they looked good on the resume.
And that's the story of the Olivers on Oregon Trail.