A/N : Hello everyone! Zera here! This is fic I made late at night, and I'm sorry for any kinds of mistakes! No flame please, I hope you enjoy!
*gasp* Kaneki woke up in a cold sweat after having those.. those nightmares.. It's not as frequent as usual, but it's still there. The nightmare is the same, as always. Where he was blamed for something he didn't do, where he was turned into a monster, where everything went against him, where everyone he loves leave him..
..I don't want to be alone..
That has been his only wish. To not be alone. He smiled, a bittersweet one. Technically, he's alone in his current room at the moment, inside the abandoned building his group currently reside in. Nostalgia washed over him as he remembered the happy old times with his family, his home.
He loves Touka-chan. He loves Hinami. He loved Anteiku. He loved his manager. Nishio-senpai. Irima-san, Komo-san. Banjou-san. Heck, he even comes to respects Tsukiyama. A man who proclaimed to be his sword.
He loves Hide. He's still alive, Kaneki's sure.
But he also loves the family in CCG that he left behind..
Arima, Akira, Juuzo, Urie, Saiko, Shirazu..
Even Mutsuki..
But,
Change will happen to anyone. Whether they want it or not, change will always come. It will not give any spare to anyone.
Not to him.
Not to Hide.
Not to Anteiku.
Not to Akira's squad.
Not to Arima.
Not the Qs. Like Mutsuki for example.
He had no idea that he will have such a huge effect on them. He chuckled bitterly. He just wanted to live, he just wanted to have a peaceful life. He wanted everything to be normal. He didn't do anything wrong, so why did he get the worst of luck?
As if having people he loved left him dead is not enough.
I meant no harm.
I.. just want to protect them.. my precious people..
Of course, nothing comes without a price.
But.. was it worth it?
Kaneki sighed. He brushed his hair from front to the back. Feeling the softness of his white locks.
How did it feel soft? I don't even take extra care for it.
The white color... It reminded him of his teacher... his mentor, his savior, his father.
No good. He said to himself. His thoughts are a mess.
Kaneki got up and exit his room. It was still dark outside, and everyone is sleeping. But it doesn't feel like he will get another sleep soon. So he's just going to take a walk around the corridor to calm his mind a bit.
I'm so pathetic.
Can I help them if I can't even save myself?
After a few minutes of walking, he came across an old piano.
How did it get here? Was is there from the start?
He touched the wooden part of it, brushing his hand on the piano surface. Feeling the coldness on his palm. And then he touched the keys. The color of the keys kind of reminded him of that room. Black and white, where he changed for good. And then he pressed it. The sound that was produced echoed on the walls. It was soft, calming his mind.
And then he remembered what his father said.
"Haise," Called Arima. It was night that time, another nightmare happened and he couldn't sleep anymore.
"..hmm?" Answered Haise, still not fully aware of his surroundings.
"Do you know.. in a book I've read, music with slow rhythm can help your mind to be put at ease."
"I don't have any mp3, Arima-san," replied Haise.
"I'll buy you one," Haise's eyes went wide.
"Really? Are you serious?" His heart beats faster. It's not everyday you have the strongest warrior of CCG buys you a gift.
Arima didn't answered though, he just nodded his head. Haise smiled brightly. It was beautiful, Arima thought. Seeing someone who had suffered a lot be happy is a joyful experience. Especially when the said person is like your son. Your only, most cherished son.
"Thanks, dad!" Haise grinned.
"Hmm… get some sleep, Haise. We have a busy day tomorrow," Arima said as he stood up and walked out from the room.
"Wait-" Haise said.
"What is it?"
"umm…" Haise fiddled with his fingers.
"I don't have all time, Haise."
Shyly, Haise looked up. "Can I…uhh… get a..h-hug?" He said. Arima gave a soft smile. It was barely visible, enhanced with the dim lighting of the room. But Haise can see it.
Arima walked to Haise and pull him into his warm embrace. Haise's hands clutched his clothes like his life depended on it. After a few seconds he pulled away.
"Goodnight, dad.." Haise's eyes fluttered close and his soft breathing reached Arima's ears.
"Goodnight….son," Was the last thing Haise heard before he succumbed to the land of blackness.
He remembered he didn't get any nightmares for five days after that.
It was one of his peaceful days, a memory that he will always keep in his heart.
He put his hands on the keys, and played a soft melody. He had learned piano in his early life. But he didn't play it as much as he used to anymore, ever since college started. And then he just stopped playing ever since he got turned into a ghoul.
He opened his mouth and began to sing, a song he heard somewhere when he was with his past group that were formed after his torture from Jason.
They said that no man is an island..
A phrase he found quite often in his books. It means that no one can accomplish anything alone. That they need other people to help them to be complete.
Like Anteiku, The Qs squad, the GOAT.
He found himself smiling at the memories of them.
And good things come to those who wait..
Wait… wait for what, exactly? To be saved? Or to get a chance to save others? Or to sacrifice myself and die? Or to meet my precious people? Or to 'get my body back' like when Haise was still in control?
But the things I hear are there just to remind me
Kaneki remembered how 'he' begged his other self in the form of Sasaki Haise to give him his body back. To remember the memories. Memories of their time that was spent with their first family.
But he had been afraid hadn't he? I meant, Haise was afraid of remembering it wasn't he?
Every dog will have his day
He had been turned into CCG's 'dog' that day, when he lost miserably against Arima. He thought he would have the worst life to live after he was imprisoned at Cochlea.
But mom.. and dad… and my 'children' helped me find a good life and a meaning to live.
It was one of the best time I ever had in my life.. I was really happy.. I was –oh so happy…
The spirits, they intoxicate me
He suddenly remembered the first time he turned into a ghoul by Dr. Kanou. Rize's organ was transplanted into him, and he kept hearing her voice, especially when he was hungry. The RC cells did a damn good job in making his life change 180ᴼ.
I watched them infiltrate my soul
And his image turned into Jason and Rize taunting him
WeAkWEakweAKweakWEAKweAk
It's all your fault-YOUR FAULTyOUrFAultYOURfault
TO LIVE IS TO DEVOUR OTHER
It's because you're weak, Kaneki.
THE STRONG DEVOURS THE WEAK. AND YOU'RE WEAK, KANEKI!
Mad laughter echoed in his brain.
They try to say.. it's too late for me
'YOuCAN'TsaveThEm KA NE KI'
'yOu'REweakWEAKweAKWEak-'
He shut them off.
Tell my guns I'm coming home
My guns, huh? Or is it my group? I disbanded it though. I.. wanted to go home. To get back to Anteiku. To meet Touka-chan again. He chuckled, remembering when Touka called him a trash, and that nobody was waiting for him in Anteiku.
She was upset. It was really just like her to do that.
I swear, I'm gonna live forever
Touka is pregnant. With my child inside her.
She really is beautiful.
I want to protect her.
No, I have to protect her.
Tell my maker he can wait
I won't let Kanou get what he wants. I won't let him hurt them. Touka-chan…
Hide…
I'm riding somewhere south of Heaven
It's better to be hurt than to hurt others. Kind people are able to find happiness with just that.
But now I've changed.
It doesn't matter if I have to destroy those who get in my way.
Heading back to Santa Fe
..Just to go home, like Anteiku..
It's judgement day in Santa Fe
…before it got destroyed…
Once I was promised absolution
But if Anteiku was not raided, I won't be able to meet Arima and Akira and receive a second chance to live..
There's only one solution for my sins
…should I be glad that I lost my memories?
..Maybe I should, because if I remember, I won't stay there now will I?
You gotta face your ghosts and know with no illusions
I remembered how frightened Haise was when he came face to face with me.
He didn't want to remember..
..because he was afraid of leaving his loved ones…
That only one of you, is going home again
I was really glad when he finally came in good terms with me..
..despite knowing that one of us is going to disappear..
And I blame this world! For making a good man evil..
...but had I not been turned into a ghoul by Kanou, I won't have them at all, right..?
…Maybe good things can happen in any kind of way.
But it came with a price.
..was it worth it?
It's this world! That can drive a good man mad
..The same thing happened to Jason too, didn't it?
He said that a dove did that to him.. creating a second personality..?
..I guess he was a victim of this world too…
And it's this world! That turns a killer, into a hero..
It is this world who's at fault.
A ghoul, slaughtered because he or she existed, regardless them ever hurt a human or not. Hated by society because they wanted to live.
A dove, praised as a savior who kill ghouls just because they existed. Not even sparing a harmless ghoul child and her mother. Won't even leave ghouls who consumed suicide victims.
..Well I blame this world for making a good man bad..
It's this world's fault that turned me into a monster.
I wonder.. did the world turned Kanou into one too..?
Now I ain't getting into Heaven
…I…. have fallen too deep. It doesn't matter if I'm an artificial ghoul or not. It's too late. I can't be saved anymore. I have destroyed too many lives.
If the devil has his way…
…It doesn't matter what I do. So why not push everything and try to achieve my goal? I just want to protect them.
And I can't let Kanou do whatever he wants anymore.
I swear, I'm gonna live forever
For them, my family, I will do anything.
I have to protect them.
Heading back to Santa Fe
..And then we'll go home together..
Got debts to pay, in Santa Fe..!
I have to protect them, It's the least I can do for everything they've done for me.
It's judgment day in Santa Fe…
I won't let the same thing with Anteiku happen again.
Even if I have to destroy everything that got into my path.
But am I strong enough..?
Kaneki continue playing the melody, a sad, yet calming tune to his ears.
So I save a prayer when I need it most, to the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost
He remembered his father, again. Helping Haise to get storinger, helping him keep moving forward every time. Including when he was frightened of his own self, that was hidden, imprisoned, in his own mind.
And sign it from a sinner with no name..
Kaneki can't help but feel proud when Haise accept him though. Overcoming your fear is definitely NOT easy.
When I meet my maker..
That's right, I can't be here if it's not for Hide's support. Like back then in the sewer. If he wasn't there, I can't meet Arima and Akira and the others..
If it's not because of him, I doubt I can keep whatever left of my sanity.
If it's not because of him, I won't be the 'me' today that exist. Even though he helped me from the shadows… It means a lot.
He's the reason I keep going..
I miss you, Hide. I want to see you again. I need you.
..will he close the book on the hearts I broke and the lives I took?
…I want to thank you for everything. I know when I was giving up and losing control, you will be there to stop me. Just like that time when I fight with Arima.
Whether it's in real life or just a fragment of him in my mind..
Will he walk away, cause my soul's too late to save…?
Kaneki can felt a tear from his ghoul eye rolled down on his left cheek. Remembering Hide hurts. But it made him happy too. It was a bittersweet memory.
… I'm sorry for everything. I'm so.. so sorry.. I've fallen too deep into the black void. I can't be saved anymore. I have turned into a monster, and I can't return into the me before.
I'm so sorry for leaving you…
…I don't want to be alone anymore. I miss you, Hide.. I really.. miss you…
Now I ain't getting in to Heaven..
...I have turned into a monster who cause nothing but destruction..
But that's fine. As long as I can be with them..
I won't pull back, I'll press forward.
Like a centipede.
If the devil has his way..
He won't let anything stop him. He won't let the world get in his way.
I swear, I'm gonna live, forever!
And protect my home. An image of Touka showed up.
I want to live on.. and protect her
Heading back to Santa Fe
And we'll all go home together.
I got debts to pay, in Santa Fe
It was the only thing he can think of to atone all of his sins.
It's judgment day in Santa Fe..
No, Kaneki thought. I won't let my home be taken away from me again.
He played a few tunes before it slowly disappeared and the song stop. Kaneki yawned. His exhaustion finally let itself be known and hit him hard.
Groggily walking back to his room, he repeated the same mantra over and over again. And only stop when he lay down and fell into a deep slumber.
I will protect them, and we'll go home. Together.
A/N : That's a wrap! The song is Santa Fe by Bon Jovi. I recommend you all listen to the song after reading this fanfic to get more feels and read the story again (?) with only the lyrics (?) Idk, it's up to you.
BUT YOU HAVE TO LISTEN, please.
Again, sorry for the mistakes. Hope you all have a great day ahead.
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