I do not own hellsing and this story is general because it can explode in any direction at this point. It's another story where if I get requests I'll use them, but if not then I'll just head off in my own direction. And Janet will be glad to know that I'm over Alucard and have moved on to Schrödinger-kun! … or maybe she won't, I just thought she would because we got into an argument over who's better (not those two exacty, but ALUCHAN was involved, and she got angry so maybe she'll be happy now.)…I doubt it though.

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CHAPTER ONE: HEY, YOU'RE REALLY REAL

I had no idea why I was in Wal-Mart, all alone, after dark. It just happened. One minute I'm at home typing up something or other (I do that a lot) and the next I'm in the biggest store in town. Weird, isn't it? If anyone can explain this thing to me and let me know how the heck I got here, that would be great. And if you can't, then you're a loser. Anyone who cannot understand the basics of teleportation is a loser…wait…

The Giver disturbs me. You should read it. Everyone should have to read that book before they are Released!...sorry, using slang from the book. AHEM. Let me get back on track here…

There we go! I was somewhere in Wal-Mart, all alone, wearing a black shirt with the Hellsing logo on the front, and Alucard's grin on the back with the words, "BITE ME." I didn't mean it. No one bite me. I don't want to be bitten which is why I don't mean it and no one should bite me. Why is someone one word and no one two? Nothing makes sense anymore!

Anyhoo, I was walking around, enjoying me freedom and . . . aloneness…when I spotted a CD I wanted. I don't remember the name of the CD or anything like that; all I knew is that I wanted it. So I wanted to check how much money I had…I was broke…too bad, oh well. That's what you expected me to say, huh? Well, so did I, but for some reason I really needed that CD, so I decided to go mooch of some stranger. I ran down a random aisle, and crashed into some person.

"Hey," I said, very impolite I know, I get that all the time. "You have ten bucks? It's sort of an emergen—what the heck?" I think my heart skipped about fifteen beats or so…so I, like, died. But the great WILL OF THE UNIVERSE got me confused with Excel and brought me back to life. "What the HELL monkeys are you doing here?"

I bet you already guessed who it was, and if you didn't than you are STUPID. It was none other than Alucard himself…I have no idea WHY he was in the toothbrush aisle though. I was suddenly aware of my shirt, and made a note to change it after I got my ten bucks…if I got my ten bucks.

"What are YOU doing here?" He countered. Jerk.

"I need ten bucks." Uh-oh. I think he noticed the logo on my shirt. "And my shirt has nothing to do with anyone. Do you have ten dollars?"

"Why are you wearing that?" He asked. CRAP. He was trying to see the back of it. "Why are you avoiding me?"

"WHY WHY WHY," I mimicked. "Is that all you can s—" he grabbed my shoulders and twirled me around. "You didn't have to do that. You just had to ask to see the back and I would have glad—"

He was about to open my mouth, but I decided that this was the best time to attack so I ducked under his arms and hugged him around the waste. "HEEEYYYY…" I laughed. "You're really real."

"Of courser I'm really real," he said, shoving me off. "What did you think I was? Some stupid manga character?"

"Uh…actually…" In order to avoid an awkward situation, I decided to see if I could get him mad. "Uh…" I was sort of acting weird, so don't blame me for my actions. I did that Nazi salute thing, poking his eyes as I did so. "Hail—oh shit, don't kill me!'

I took off running, and discovered that Alucard didn't like Nazis… either that or he was mad about me shoving my long-nailed fingers in his eyes. Oh well, he'll regenerate himself, right? But then he'd kill me anyway, so I'm dead. Running around aimlessly, I crashed into the very person I most wanted to see at that moment—Sir Integra! Yay! Safetyness…fullness… whatever, I was safe!

"Hey, Sir Integra, Alucard seems to be very mad at me for some reason and now I think he's gonna blow my head off and I ain't a werewolf, so that may be a problem, as I don't think I could live without a head so could you, like, call him off or something?" Wow, big sentence. I've seen better though. BIG SENTENCE CONTEST! PUT IN YOUR REVIEWS AND THE PERSON WITH THE LONGEST SENTENCE CAN MAKE A REQUEST AND I WILL DO IT! IT CAN'T BE ANYTHING NASTY THOUGH, I DON'T DO ANYTHING NASTY…WELL, IT CAN BE BLOOD AND GUTS NASTY, BUT NOT SEX NASTY, OKAY?

Please enter!

At first I didn't think Integra was going to do anything first, but when Alucard came into view I took off behind her and then I heard a WUMP and I guess that Sir Hellsing had come through after all! She had stuck out her arm and Alucard crashed into it, idiom, and fell down. Yay! Safe again!

"Thanks," I said, backing away from Alucard. "Hey... Pip isn't here, is he?"

"Why do you want to know?" The vampire growled. I tucked on his hair. "He's probably messing around with the locks at the video games."

"Ah, maybe he can teach me a thing or two," I said and headed off that way.

As predicted, Captain Bernadette was trying to insert something into a lock on the PS3 games… it didn't look like he was having very much success. "Bon jour!" I said, waving. He turned to me, smiling, and said something in French. "Riiiight… I have NO idea what you just said."

"Most people don't," He said. He had a funny accent.

"Hey, hey, hey!" I said, jumping up and down. This happens whenever I get an idea. "Can you say, 'You're mother was a hamster and you're father smelt of elderberries' for me?"

"Eh, You're mozer was a hamster and you're fazzer smelt of eldaberries." He mimicked after a hesitation. "Why?"

"Oh, no reason," I tried to control my laughter, I really did! But I couldn't so I burst out laughing. "Sorry," I apologized after getting control of myself. "Well, I better go see if I can find some money, nice meeting you! Oh yeah, if you can get that thing open, grab me a copy of 'Lair', will you?"

"Sure," He said.

My mind was telling me this was a dream, so I wasn't too surprised when the next person I ran into wore a swastika. He was none other than the werewolf Schrodinger.

I didn't hesitate to hug him, as he was my new manga/anime crush. He looked a little surprised at first, but hugged me back.

"You're so much CUTER in real life!" I said, pulling away. "But still, you're a deranged sicko called a Nazi!" After saying that I kicked him 'low' and he sort of…died.

"Vhat did you do that for?" He groaned. "I didn't do anything."

"You know what that represents?" I asked, pointing at the swastika. "That is disgusting! So nasty, that it makes me sick! I'm sure it makes a lot of people sick. Hitler makes almost everyone sick!"

"Hitler?"

"What?" I asked in shock. "You don't know anything about HITLER?"

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So…let me know what's gonna happen next. And more contests will follow. GOOD LUCK!

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Next Chapter: Revert, Convert, whatever, he's on our side now!