A Modern Mage and Criminal

by PriestessOfLoki

I don't know why this exists. I wrote this several years ago with an ease that worries me. Once I hit upon the first line, the rest just came pouring out as if, somehow, Irenicus and the Pirates of Penzance were as natural as chocolate and peanut butter. For years it just hung out in my documents because I had no idea of what to do with it. So, now I give it to you. My condolences.

I am the very model of a modern mage and criminal

My elven dreams are plots and schemes and evils quite subliminal

And I can be, I'm sure you'll see, beyond the edge of villainy

With demon pacts, atrocious acts, to commit nigh godlike felony

With my debut, I intend to prove, I'm worse than fifteen Sarevoks

No soul for me, that blasted Tree, I exist an elven paradox

Your cries and pleas while on your knees, my mercy will not recompense

*Hmm recompense . . . Ah! Got it*

Now don't you mind and be so kind, it's time for more . . . experiments

Now don't you mind and be so kind, it's time for more . . . experiments

Now don't you mind and be so kind, it's time for more . . . experiments

Now don't you mind and be so kind, it's time for more . . . experi-merry-ments

Behind my mask are scars of tasks that give a hint to back-story

At court inclined with gifted mind and bored by all the pedantry

With elven dreams, plots and schemes and evils quite subliminal

I am the very model of a modern mage and criminal

With elven dreams, plots and schemes and evils quite subliminal

He is the very model of a modern mage and criminal

I sought to take my place and perhaps embrace my own divinity

What I got instead with infernal dread was to face my own humanity

They cast me out and did not doubt that I would soon come crawling back

Did not occur that I would demur and take a wholly different tack

With steely bars and nymphs in jars my workplace is now such a mess

Disheveled and disorganized I'll clean it after one more test

My subjects screaming songs to me of nightmares they can't comprehend

But as you see I let them be because now I have my clones to tend

When you break free on the streets you'll see a glimpse of my identity

You shall attack, but I'll hold you back with naught but cold hostility

A hostage see, I'll take with me while slinging pissy epithets

I will escape and flaunt my fate, I know my villain's etiquette

No doubt, somehow, you've found by now that I am called Irenicus

Arrested there by Cowls to spare, though your journey is no less perilous

I'm in your dreams, my plots and schemes and evils quite subliminal

For I am the very model of a modern mage and criminal

He's in your dreams, his plots and schemes and evils quite subliminal

For he is the very model of a modern mage and criminal

In Spellhold I have what I need to indulge my sadist's magery

The inmates there are in my care to serve in ghoulish slavery

No moral code in this abode, my tests are done most heartlessly

I lie in wait, your hero's gate strides boldly toward my trap, you see.

And here we are just as before and none can stop my evil plan

Divine bereft, my soulish theft I take what's borne to every man

Our sisters there, one soul to share to make our curse evaporate

Now off we go for one last row and no I won't elaborate

A grandiose fight, you draw your might from an army of insanity

But it's no use and still you lose, for I have plans B, C and D

Into the night with great delight and essence incorporeal

*Incorporeal, golly, that's a tough one . . . Got it!*

I flee from thee with evil glee to bring mine own restorial

He flees from thee with evil glee to bring his own restorial

He flees from thee with evil glee to bring his own restorial

He flees from thee with evil glee to bring his own restor-iori-ial

In the dark with drowish lark revenge shall come most speedily

And in these halls my sister draws upon your necks so greedily

These are my dreams, plots and schemes and evils quite subliminal

I am the very model of a modern mage and criminal

Those are his dreams, plots and schemes and evils quite subliminal

He is the very model of a modern mage and criminal

~Fin~