After Cloud died, I lost all of the hope I had left. Or at least, all of the hope I pretended to have. The hope that I couldn't actually feel, but didn't want to imagine a life without. After the fight to save the earth, I felt old. I didn't want to fight anymore. I didn't want to run away from all of the dark things that were closing in on us. While he was still around, things felt okay even if they weren't. He held everyone together. He never forgot to stay strong. Tifa, though sometimes afraid, didn't forget to be strong, either. I, however, did.
Silly old me... what could I say? Only 19 years old, from an Island far away anything significant, and I had already fought the great Sephiroth. We defeated him, actually. In the end it was Cloud, but without us, he would have never gotten as far as he did. Because of this, I should have felt strong. I should have felt fearless. I was brave, after all. And if it were any other situation, I probably would have been fine.
I used to be a pain in the ass, real sneaky and smart-mouthed. Flaws aside, I was always upbeat and energetic, always looking for a fight I could get some Materia out of. I had passion, I had drive... but somehow, seeing the face of Sephiroth, and all of the death that came along with him... it just really changed me. I became fragile and afraid. A shell. I was no longer the Yuffie everyone back home knew. I was no longer the Yuffie that I knew. There was a darkness shining out of my soul, and it clouded everything up.
Cloud and Tifa took me in. I didn't want to go back to Wutai because I didn't want to deal with being a hero yet. I didn't tell them that, though. I pretended I was only staying to help clean up the mess, and also to celebrate. As the days went by, my hands grew shakier and shakier.
One night, about a month after everything, I woke up sweating profusely, and began to search the room for an intruder while sobbing and frantically checking that every last Materia was where it was supposed to be. "Yuffie," Tifa said, "there's no one here. Come back here, and I'll bring you some tea." I ignored her and sat awake, crying for what felt like every last tear I ever had in me out. I finally fell asleep at 6 A.M., just when the morning light started swimming through my curtains.
It wasn't about the Materia, not really. Though most people saw me as greedy and superficial only, the Materia really did hold sentimental value for me. Especially after the great fight. But at that point, it was just about having something familiar near to remind me that I was still Yuffie, I think. Slowly, I had been slipping away from my friends. Things weren't making sense to me in any way. When this change in my overall feeling of well-being shifted, I started dreading going home because I didn't want to have to face the people of Wutai. I knew they were proud of me, but the thought of standing there, smiling like an idiot and pretending to feel wonderful, made me sick to my stomach. I'd heard stories from my Pops that war can make you sick, and sometimes it happens when you think everything should be over and done with. I hoped that I wasn't sick.
The next morning, I told Tifa not to bring up what had happened the night before around anyone, because I didn't want them making a huge deal about it. She agreed, but when it happened again three nights in a row, and I accidentally cut my hand on my Boomerang while fighting off imaginary monsters, she decided she wanted to tell Cloud so he could take me to a doctor. It sounds intrusive of her, but she was a mother figure to me even though we were close in age. So I tried to listen to her, because I loved her. She made it hard sometimes, though, because I don't like to be taken care of.
"Tif... I'm fine. I'm probably just homesick is all."
"Well, why don't you go home then? Your father would love to see you. The people of Wutai are waiting anxiously to thank you for saving their planet." She smirked a little, knowing I had a mysterious problem with being the center of attention lately, and she knew I was hiding something.
I slumped over, frowning.
"Cloud will be taking you to the doctor around 3:30 today. Marlene wants to come, also. Is that okay?"
"Whatever", I said. I didn't like the idea of people peering in on my problems and weirdness. I was supposed to be a hero. Heroes don't get hurt. Heroes... my thought process was interrupted by sweet brown eyes with pink pigtail bows in her hair.
"Yuffie, I'm sorry you are not feeling well! Here, would you like this flower?"
Marlene. Though she was already alive and grown a bit when Aerith passed, I swear she's who Aerith's love and compassion is living on through. No one could ever be like Aerith, but to have someone similar around always brightened those days when the sun never seemed to come up.
"Thanks," I nodded. "It's very pretty."
She smiled, and turned to walk away, back to her secret hideout she made up in a small tree in the back of the house. Up there, she played quietly. She sang to the birds and told stories to the leaves. Sometimes she fell asleep, and we'd have to go get her and take her to her real bed. She would always wake up confused, and asked Mr. Chirper where her journal had gone. You left it in the tree, dear, Tifa would say. Marlene would yawn, and collapse back into her deep slumber.
"If only we could be kids again, yeah?"
"Yuffie, you still haven't told me what the doctor said."
"Cloud didn't tell you?"
"No?! Did you tell him, and not tell me?" Tifa looked hurt, and I couldn't help but giggle.
"No, silly. He took me, remember? But I had him and Marlene come in with me... because I hate needles, and was afraid I might need a shot... you know the drill...", I could feel my face turning bright red.
Tifa sighed, trying not to let her straight face turn into a crooked smirk. "So, are you going to tell me, or am I just going to have to ask Cloud?"
"Just stop. No. You don't need to ask anyone anymore. He said I probably am having some kind of post-traumatic stress reaction. Okay? He said it can happen to anyone, even people who didn't fight The Great Sephiroth. Maybe a Chocobo just almost poked their eye out or somethin'." I rolled my eyes, and stared very hard at my hands. "Don't worry about it, though. He gave me an Elixir to take every morning for three weeks. If that doesn't do the trick, he said, then come back and we'll tighten up the ingredients. Yeppers."
"Alright...", she said, staring at my face longingly. My crooked, blush-dusted face, cheeks tight and eyes drooping from sleepless nights.
"Yeppers."
Later that night, Cloud came to apologize about not telling Tifa. He thought I might want to, but then he realized how difficult it might be to admit that battling had made me weary. I shrugged, and he couldn't help but laugh at how obviously obstinate I was being. "You really crack me up, kid", he chuckled. "There's always a home for you here with us. Stay as long as you like, even if it's forever. We'll miss you whenever you go."
He walked out of the room, scratching the back of his head as if he may have been confused. I had a tendency to confuse people. Maybe I should have said something? But I just couldn't. I didn't like admitting it, even to myself, but the only time I'd ever felt at home was with them. With Cloud, Tifa, Berret, Aerith, Vincent, Sid, Nanaki, and even Cait Sith... that bastard. Even if I only saw the rest a couple times a week, and in Aerith's case in my dreams, just being with Cloud and Tifa was enough. I was never really a spiritual gal, but the feeling was somewhat peaceful, like a heaven. A heaven, if one ever existed, just for me.
"Thanks," I called out, down the hallway, meagerly.
As he disappeared, I could barely hear him say, "yeppers."
Cloud died two weeks later. He was murdered late at night in Cosmo Canyon, after he visited Nanaki to pick up Marlene's birthday preset. The news absolutely broke everyone. Cloud was going to live forever, in our minds. Even those who didn't know him idolized him, and thanked him excessively for defeating the darkness so that they could all live in the light again. The idea that he was dead seemed truly impossible.
Tifa cried for weeks. I cried a lot myself, and my nightmares only got worse. Marlene and Ralph were miserable. They cried, too. We all cried, just a big mess of crying little babies, our tears staining our Sunday Best as we tried to get ourselves off of the floor for his funeral. The sun stayed away that day.
His killer was never identified, but a conclusion was made that the killing was not planned, nor motivated. It was random. And he was gone. And no one knew how to accept that. None of us could fathom a death by chance, when all we'd really known was putting our lives on the line willingly and even losing loved ones because of it sometimes. Self-sacrifice was okay. But a random death, that held no meaning whatsoever? None of us could really function anymore.
At this point, I felt utterly hopeless. Cloud brought out the best in all of us. He gave us strength. I never even knew him that well. War buddies, as my pops would have said. We shared some of the most vulnerable, yet brutal, moments that any people could share, but our conversations were never more than acquaintance-like. And that was fine with both of us. Tifa and I were closer, we were real tight... and her and Cloud were complicated. She was in love with him, but he wasn't capable of loving. At least not as deeply as she needed to be loved. And as her best friend, I was expected to carry some of her misery during this time. It was my job. It was painful, but it was necessary. Her one true love was gone, forever. Maybe if I had ever known anything about love... would I ever find my true love? Oh, crap, Yuff. Cut the crap.
Months passed. I pretended that I didn't feel useless. I tried to be strong, but it never worked. Everyone was weak, everyone was miserable. And I just couldn't stand it anymore.
"Tifa, I'm leaving." The look on my face was clearly not referring to the market.
"What?! NOW?!"
I stared at the ground. "Yes, now... I gotta go do some stuff."
"Oh, so you'll be back later. Pick me up som-"
"No, Tif... I mean... I'm goin'. I'm goin' away..."
Tifa was quiet. She didn't move. I wasn't even sure if she was breathing. But she wasn't one for dramatics, so I was pretty sure she was... and wasn't going to faint on me.
"I'm afraid if I stay here, I'll lose it. I'll go crazy. It's not you guys... it's my head! Everything reminds me... I can't..."
"Yuffie, it will be okay! You've been doing better, haven't you?"
"No."
She stared. I stared. The world seemed to be full of this horrible, awkward, disgusting silence... I tried opening my mouth. Nothing came out. Finally, Tifa spoke.
"You can't go. I need you. We need you, all of us. We're a family. Unless you're going home, please don't go. Please."
"TIFA! LOOK." I yelled. "I JUST HAVE TO GO. I GOTTA FIGURE THIS OUT. UGH!" I paused... my hands shaking, I could feel my face turning blood red from rage. "I just... gotta go."
I grabbed my bags and I went out the front door. I didn't even think about Marlene, or anyone else. I was just thinking about myself. Like usual, I guess. Nobody ever knew me to be a selfless person, obviously. I was selfish Yuffie. Steal-all-your-materia-Yuffie. And at that moment, I didn't care. I accepted it. And I walked. And walked.
I must have walked for at least 12 hours. It wasn't light out anymore, and I felt like I might faint from being so hungry. But where the hell was I? Everything was black. The moon was gone, and I couldn't see many stars, either. I hadn't passed a town in hours. I was hoping to turn in for the night but nothing was visible, it felt like there was absolutely nothing around me... just the ground beneath my feet. Just the ground which, when I went to sit down discovered, was just sand. Wet sand, like on the beach. Only there were no waves, no water. I looked up again, in search of a single star, or maybe even an airship... nothing. Nothing at all. I was alone.
That's when I began to panic, and also when I first realized that all of my stuff was missing. I didn't even have any weapons. And the Materia! I gasped out loud, and fell to the ground sobbing.
"What have I done... where am I... how could I..."
My consciousness came and went, for hours, maybe days. I really don't know. But after awhile, and no sunrise, I knew I must have wandered somewhere bad. Underground, maybe? A cave? Some other kind of place that has no light at all? No life? I couldn't figure it out.
Those few days were hell. Even if I was barely conscious for most of them, I knew that I was somewhere abnormal, somewhere bad, and I was scared. I was scared, until the light came. When the light came, I became terrified.