Hello there XD I haven't given up on my other stories, I promise! It's just that inspiration hit and my computer has a Trojan virus! I'm using my mums computer for this and she's moaning at me as we type. This is an attempted Crackfic. Please, let me know if it elicits any chuckles. Oh and one more thing, TEAM JASPER!

Kind Sir?

Bella P.O.V

"GOT THE COOL! GOT THE COOL SHOE SHINE! GOT THE COOL! GOT THE COOL SHAAAAAGH!" My singing morphed into a scream as something disturbed me. I turned my head to see the culprit, and sure enough there was a chubby hand invading my personal space. What I did next was beyond my control. I went Kung Fu on his ass. I'm talking back flips, karate chops and Chinese burns; the whole ten yards.

...Nah, I haven't got the skills for that, but what I have got is a ice cold banana milkshake in my hand. Without giving it another seconds thought I dumped my beloved milkshake on the intruding hand with a satisfying splosh. I may or may not have shouted 'Hazar'. The man squealed and shook his hand out, splatters littering his business suit.

"Holy Crap! Lady, what the hell is wrong with you?" He looked at me incredulously.

With a scowl I drew a circle around my entire body. "NO TOUCHY!" His eyes popped wide in fear as he cradled his hand to his chest.

"I was just going to ask for the time! Jeez!" I scrunched up my face and shrugged. What else was I gonna do? A wierd guy put his hand on my shoulder. That shits not cool. What is cool however, is my left arm. Like a 'cooling peepee patch' kinda cool.

"Ah balls." My previously sacrificed milkshake was decorating my favorite yellow coat. "This is your doing!" I scowled again, taking off my coat and flapping it about, trying to get some of the milkshake I'd been planning to drink and not wear off of it.

"You know what? Never mind about the time. I'll go ask someone else." He turned to walk away, shaking his hand again.

"Hey! What about my milkshake?" I shouted after him as he briskly walked off even faster, trying to get away.

"Get lost, crazy lady!" He hollered around the corner until he was out of my sight.

"Ah screw you, you shitting potato head!" I hope he heard me. "Dr Micheals said its just my personality anyways. Stupid groping people." I mumbled under my breath while I shuffled off in the other direction, defeated. I looked down at my Brum watch and considered my options. I could either walk the fifteen steps to my right and drop off my coat for dry cleaning and deal with the rest of my day milkshakeless, or I could run like the winds and speedy gonzales love child, with a bat-out-of-hell-like quality, to go and grab another milkshake before Mr Marsden carts off with the cart, letting my yellow coat crust and spoil for eternity. Decisions, decisions...

Two minutes later I busted through the mall doors, throwing my coat in the trash can outside, not bothering to look through the pockets for anything I may need. My money was in my cowboy boots anyways, and that's all I needed to complete my milkshake mission. I was mildly aware of the emptiness of the street and the strong feeling to go in another direction to get my milkshake. I shook off the feeling and saw the street empty before me. "Is this the apocalypse or..." I shook my head, figuring that a bomb warning had previously been issued while I was listening to my Ipod. I wasn't going anywhere though. Not even an atomic bomb can get between me and my milkshake.

Shaking off the chills that ran up my spine the deeper I got into the maze-like street, I had another decision facing me. Commonly I'd choose the dangerous and death site ally-way which looked pretty damned shifty, but in reality housed a pretty nice hobo on the weekends called Stan. Other than the obvious odor and lack of hygiene, Stan knew how to house a soggy box party. He was a real stand-up guy. The thing is... this feeling. It makes me want to run in the other direction. God this is so stupid! Just go get the friggen milkshake Bella!

I took a deep breath as I came barrelling around the corner, prepared to wave at Stan and tell him I'd come back later, but he wasn't there. What was there, was a guy getting his neck ripped out by another guy.

"Eye eye eye!" I called at the image before me.

The attacker lifted his face from the mans neck, his face smeared with blood and his eyes a bright orange.

"Did you just bite him? Dude! That's some 'dawn of the dead' shit!" I took a few deep breaths, the fear still thick in me, but this time for a reason. As I calmed myself I fought the overwhelming urge to pass out, which quickly switched to run away, and then found myself extremely uncomfortable. With a scrunched brow he continued to stare at me with his piercing orange eyes.

"Do you have rabies?" I took a step back in horror. There was no way in hell I was about to get bitten by a rabid guy.

He just stared. It looked like his eyes had been tangoed. I normally would have made a comment, but his gaze held so much power my usually havoc-running vocal chords ceased. That is until he straightened himself out, finally breaking eye contact to blink. He opened and closed his mouth several times, momentarily hypnotising me.

"Ma'am." He nodded his head slightly.

What does one do when a rabid guy starts nomming on a man in-front of you, only to act like a gentleman? After a second I looked down to the twitching man on the floor, groaning and gargling. I looked up again and saw the rabid guy was actually extremely composed. The way he held himself showed security in his surroundings. Perhaps he's trying to act normal, despite what he just did? "Kind Sir?" I said unsure as I did my best version of a curtsy. "Why dust thou eat the man?"

"Why..?" He started, and I finally caught onto the Texan twang.

"Oh! Texan. My bad." I blushed, smiling like an embarrassed fool, my heart hammering.

"I... don't know whats happenin'." His brow creased again. His voice was smooth and angelic; reassuring if not for the dying man at his feet.

"You bit that guy." I stated the obvious, since he was ignoring it. He was still, not breathing and unmoving as he spoke his next words with a new depth.

"Yes Ma'am, I did." He looked like he was trying to stare me down, and suddenly irrational fear hit me so hard that I lost control of my bowels.

I felt the warmth seep down my jeans. "Oh no." I whispered as Rabid Guy's eyes popped open in shock. I immediately burst into tears in embarassment. "I'm sorry!" I squealed as I waled out and turned to walk away shamefully. "I'm just gunna go now."

He looked immediately horrified, opening his hands, his strong brovado gone as he explained. "My apologies Ma'am, that was entirely my own fault. You've nothing to be sorry for. Please, let me help you. My house isn't far. Please, I'm so sorry for scaring you. Let me help."

"I'm not in the mood to negotiate-" wheeze "-so okay." He ushered me over to him with a reassuring look on his face, and not one of judgement. He looked concerned for her wellbeing as I let him lead me to his home and.. whoa. He smells good. Wow. That's a really nice fucking smell on a guy. As we walked past the dying guy on the floor, he face came into view and I recognised him.

"Oh. Hello again Gropey Man."

Rabid Guy looked shocked again, but quickly composed himself. "You knew him?" He spoke gently but with some weariness.

"That's my milkshake on his suit. You can't really see it on account of all the blood, but its him." He avoided my obvious attempt to get him to explain his actions by going off on a tangent.

"Why's he covered in your milkshake?" I sighed.

"Why's he covered in his own blood?" I shook my head and reached down to find the guys wallet, mumbling under my breath. "What a kerfuffle."

"What're you doin'?" I looked up at him as I perched over the now still body of his victim. His eyes were incredibly wide and he looked miles from confused.

"Compensation." I explained as I took a ten out of his wallet and put the rest back into his pocket, just the way it was. "He owes me a milkshake and I'll be damned if I go without." I chuckled under my breath when the reminder of milkshakes struck the fear of god into me.

"Ahhh! Whats the time?" I screamed, jumping up and clutching onto Rabid Guys sleeves. I tried to shake him because he was completely stoic, but his body was like concrete or something. Plus he was freezing. He just stared into my eyes and I rolled my own, pulling away.

"Bah! I seebs with this!" I ran away from him in the direction of the cart. It took me a few minutes and by the time I got there I was shivering from my own urine coating my thighs. When I jumped in-front of Harry removing his cart, he looked like he was about to have a heart attack.

"Jesus Christ Bella!" He put one hand to his chest, the other leaning onto the carts handle. "You look like a wild banshee... and what is that?" He pointed to my crotch.

"It's a poon covered in milkshake." He raised his eyebrow and laughed at the expression on my face, but fell for it.

"Okay then. So what can I do for you? Finally gunna take me up on that offer I made you?" He winked. Don't get me wrong, Harry Marsden is a top notch guy, but he's well past his fifties. He might actually be my grandpa. That means no sugar daddy sex, though he makes it clear knowledge that his monkey has been spanked many a time over me. The whole 'sucking on a straw' thing really does it for him. The guys shameless, which is why I like him so much, Plus he sells the best milkshakes in Forks.

"M-m-milkshake." I told him, shivering. His face fell and I knew he was ready to explain to me that its past serving hours.

"Please! Harry, I'm b-begging here!" I got on my knees and hugged his legs, looking up at him. I could tell from the flustered look on his face that he liked that. The bulge blocking the view of his eyes showed that he really liked it. "Please." I whispered under my breath with my puppy dog eyes, ready for a crying jag. I watched his heart melt and.. dear god! Is that pre-cum?

I stood up again and tried not to cringe. I made a potential grand-papa hard. Who woulda thought he had it in him? He tried to hide readjusting himself, but it was more obvious than my piss stain. I would have called him out, but I figured I owed him for going along with me and calling it a milkshake stain, plus I want a milkshake so damned bad that I'd probably grind against him for it. "Bella, I've got nothing left! All I've got is this Milkshake of Destiny!" I stood up and grinned. Seriously, if he really wanted to stick his finger in the Bella pie, he needs to try and push me. I'm nowhere near my limits yet.

"Whatever! I'll take that!" I jumped up and down squealing as he gave in and opened up the cooler on his cart.

"This is a one off Bella. No coming to me after hours again. It gives an old man bad ideas." He huffed, obviously finding his situation in the nether regions increasingly uncomfortable. I guess said monkey will be spanked quite religiously tonight.

"I p-p-promise! Thanky!" I gave him the ten and skipped in the direction of my home, sucking on my Milkshake of Destiny which tasted especially nutty today and added to my shivering, when a movement in my peripheral made me freeze and drop it. Everything went in slow motion then. Well, it must have, and then my mind must have sped it up, because there is no way that Rabid Guy caught it mere millimeters from my hands that had barely just let it go.

"Woah. Skills." I whispered, looking up at his eyes, his face incredibly close to mine and watching me. "Thanks."

"No problem Ma'am." His eyes were so hypnotising. I felt myself flush and get warm, the effects of the cold peepee patch and icy milkshake no longer making me shiver.

"Why are you following me?" I quirked an eyebrow at him, immediately suspicious.

"I ah... I bought you some jeans. I feel bad for what I did." He gently pushed a bag forward and I was hesitant to take it.

"Hush money huh?" I smiled, eyebrow still quirked. His return smile was small as he just stared at me. "I don't like gifts."

"Then I just ran home and my sister said you can borrow them." He smiled for real this time, and it was crooked and alluring and pantie wetting. I might have been worried if not for the already pretty damned obvious wet patch. I'm surprised I haven't run home yet sobbing with embarrassment.

I nodded and started walking towards my home, Rabid Guy walking right next to me. There was a distinct date-like quality to this moment. Like the Milkshake I'd begged for was the meal and the urinating and murder was the entertainment for the evening. "You're not gunna walk me to my door are you?"

He looked torn and I stopped walking. My hand went up to his face to try and smooth out the crease in his brow with my finger. A spark shot through me, making me jump, but I ignored it. "Whats up?" I asked, peeking up at him trying to catch his eye.

"Nothing Ma'am. I'd very much like to accompany to your door. I promise your safety, though I've shown no reason for you to believe me as a trustworthy person." He ran his hand through his gorgeous honey locks, looking exceptionally sexually frustrated. I wonder how long its been for him...

"Well I unno... being raped by you wouldn't be such a trajedy."

His eyes were visibly turning black as he drew in a shuddering breath. I just let it hang in the air. I can tell his spunk would probably taste like milkshakes from just looking at him. He's very delicious. His features are breathtaking, but those physical things don't really do anything for me normally. In-fact nobody really does anything for me. All of my sexual partners have pretty much all been faceless duds who got on my good side. I know, I'm shameless, but every girl needs a bit of bonking now and again! Mr Whippy cant mix up a storm inside me all the time. A girl needs variety.

"Ah... so I see you've got a new milkshake." Changing the subject... hmmm...

"Yah! It's the Milkshake of Destiny. It's the only thing Mr Marsden had left. It took a blow job, but I got it." He took in another shuddering breath and I winked, letting him know I was joking. It was fun to play with him.

"Yeah, he was certainly enjoying the idea of that. It appears Mr Marsden has a little crush on you. He wants to snaggle your puss." He seemed a little angry, but his smile at the last part added a light tone to the conversation. That was until he looked mortified with himself. "Sorry Ma'am."

"I'm not sorry and I'm not Ma'am." I giggled. That shit was sort of funny. "I'm Bella. Can I have your name? I promise not to report you."

"Really? I mean, you'll tell no one?" I looked at him for a second and saw the disbelief and desperation in his eyes.

"Who've I got to tell. Everyone thinks I'm crazy anyway. Even if I did, nobody would take me seriously." He seemed to be considering it, but the silence stretched on as we walked. When we finally got to my front door I brushed the back of his hand for attention.

"Hey, no killing me in my sleep okay?" I joked lightly and his expression made me think I'd just caught him considering just that. I became quite worried then. I knew it was a real possibility, but I don't seem to care about myself enough to run away screaming, hoping I'm faster than him. The chances of that were far too small anyways. "Please." I looked up at him, my eyes watering from the fear of this being my last day on earth.

He watched my eyes and followed a tear as it escaped, lifting his hand and brushing it away with his thumb. "I don't want to have to do that." He explained, looking pained and torn. The intensity of the moment crackled between us like electricity. Seriously, just like a date. A date with a Rabid Guy who might just murder me. For a split second I caught his gaze lingering on my lips and I felt his thumb brush against my bottom one as he lowered his hand and frowned again.

I took a deep breath despite my fear and unlocked my door, pressing it open and walking in. I turned back, just waiting for him to push his way in and kill me. I stared at him but he made no move. "Okay... then... bye..." I went to shut the door but his hand flew to keep it open enough for his body to get through. I knew it...

He took a deep breath and shocked me with his next words. "My name's Jasper Whitlock. It's been a pleasure to meet you Bella." He looked like he wanted to say something else, but I blinked and he was gone. I shook my head after a few minutes and finally closed the door, expecting him to be ripping my throat out like his earlier victim any second now. When I thought I heard scratching on the door instead of running for a baseball bat or something, I ran for the bathroom. It took seconds to puke my destiny into the toilet. After cleaning myself up, top to bottom, I ran downstairs and grabbed a kitchen knife, a gun and the earlier mentioned baseball bat. I don't even know why I'd gotten them. I had a revolver in my top draw anyways, but I think I needed the security of being surrounded by more deadly weapons. Perhaps it was the Police Chiefs daughter in me. Once I'd stashed them in various grabbing distances in my room I numbly got changed into my Brum jammas, and sank into the sheets of my bed, quivering in fear with the possibility of everything ending tonight. All I wanted was a milkshake...

Seebs= CBA, can't be arsed.

Brum= Childs programme with a freaky animated automobile.

Any questions? DEAL! :L Nah, just talk to me baby. I hope this went well...

V