Unicorn Baby
So- I had the idea to write this last week as I feel that Amelia really needed to open up to Owen about her unicorn baby, before they can actually have a baby together. But going on vacation and having things to settle caused me to postpone posting this oneshot. But now, here it is, and I really hope you like it! :)
P.s. This was written before episode 6 was aired. It is also incorperating a little of a sneak peek for episode 6 and the synopsis for episode 7 which says that Owen and Amelia bring their personal issues to work.
For a few minutes, Owen Hunt was floating over the clouds. When his wife Amelia Shepherd revealed to him that she might be pregnant- his heart leapt with joy and excitement. It was his dream to become a father and his dream was about to become a reality. He could already forsee the future in front of him, the pitter patter of little feet running around the house, little chubby cheeks to kiss. He was already making plans in his mind to convert their study into a nursery. The few minutes which they waited for the pregnancy test results were the longest in his life- which he tried to make pass faster by arranging the pillows on the couch to make Amelia feel comfortable. Which was why he felt his heart sink to the bottom of his chest when he saw the negative result of the pregnancy test. Although he calmly said the words ' it's ok' and hugged Amelia tight to his chest, the expression on his face betrayed it all.
Meanwhile, looking at the negative pregnancy test, Amelia Shepherd felt a mixture of emotions. On one hand, she told her sisters and April that she was pregnant, when she actually wasn't. Bad bad move on her part to blurt it out to Meredith. Now she had to go around telling them tomorrow that she actually wasn't pregnant. How embarrasing. Also, although she wasn't looking at Owen as he hugged her tight, she could feel the disappointment in his voice. She knew how much he wanted to be a father and she wanted to make him happy.
On the other hand, each hug she received from her colleagues in the hospital sent her into a deeper spiral. When April first hugged her, she was excited. She was going to be a mother and she was going to start a family and a new life with Owen Hunt. Life couldn't get any better than that. But after each hug as the day progressed, the feeling of trepidation gradually overtook her and replaced her initial feeling of joy. Meredith's offhanded remark about her being let off the hook about Ellis as Derek was dead by then really struck a chord in her. It brought back a flood of memories to her, memories of waking up to Ryan lying lifeless beside her. Memories of being informed by Addison that her and Ryan's baby was anencephalic. Memories of holding the baby in her arms for 43 minutes before he developed respiratory distress and had to be taken away from her. Which was why she actually felt relief, and exhaled the breath she didn't know she was holding when she saw the negative result. At that moment, she realized that she actually wasn't ready for another baby. Not yet. She knew she couldn't go through the ordeal of carrying and giving birth to yet another anencephalic baby.
As Owen continued holdling her tight on the couch, Amelia finally mastered the courage to look up to him. The expression of disappointment was etched on his face as she'd expected. She could see how he was trying to hide his feelings but to no avail. Seeing her husband disappointed made her heart sink too. She really wished she could fulfill his wish, she really did. She would do absolutely anything to make him happy.
'It's ok- we can try again.' Owen repeated, louder this time, more to himself.
Amelia remained silent, as she glanced back down away from him and stared blankly at the tiles on the floor. How was she going to tell her husband that she actually wasn't ready for them to have children? How would he react if he knew that she was actually relieved about the negative test result? Honestly, at that very moment, she felt like the worst wife ever.
' I'm sorry Owen' Amelia muttered as she broke free of his hug. ' I know how much you wanted this.'
She could feel tears pooling in her eyes and her voice was shaking.
' I'm sorry for giving you false hope.' she added as their blue eyes met.
Owen kissed her forehead as he pulled her into another hug
' No- you did say that you might be, not that you are pregnant. It was so sweet of you to wait for me to take the test together, really.'
They sat wordlessly on the couch for a few more moments, him still silently grieving over their non existant baby, and her mind racing over how to tell him that she just wasn't ready yet.
' Amelia- you ok about this? You've been rather quiet since the test just now.' Owen asked, as they lay beside each other in bed that night. She had her back turned to him.
Amelia turned over to look at her husband as their blue eyes met.
' Yes- I am. I thought you said that we can try again.' she said, trying hard to conceal the crack in her voice.
' It's not that Amelia. I don't want to pressure you.' said Owen as she turned her back on him again.
' I'm tired.' she said in a flat voice. ' Good night.'
Owen lay awake for a few more moments- wondering what had happened to his wife. He knew her well enough to know that something was up with her, but he also knew not to pressure her. She would talk to him about it when the time was right.
The next day proved to be busy day for both Owen and Amelia. They both left for work at different times, with him leaving earlier for his shift in the ER. He was swamped with patients in the ER while she was kept busy in the OR with several surgeries, which included ruptured aneurysms.
They didn't manage to meet each other until the afternoon- when he met her in the scan room, where she was reviewing the scans of a patient with AV malformation. Their conversation in the room was short, but it affected his mood for the entire day.
For the rest of the day, while he was reviewing patients in the ER, Owen's mind kept replaying back the conversation they had in the scan room.
' We barely got married, and now we're trying for a baby? Why can't we just slow down and enjoy being us?' Amelia had suggested rather blatantly to him before she left the room leaving him without a chance to respond.
Her words were like a stab to his heart. Just a couple of weeks ago, they were discussing about their future children and about not waiting to have babies. And now, she was indicating that they were going too fast and that they should slow down in their relationship. He was really confused. They really needed to talk. He needed to know her stand on them having children. Or did she actually not want his babies after all? Why didn't any woman in his life want his babies?
He didn't have time to ponder it over as his pager beeped again, indicating more impending trauma. Their conversation would have to wait.
Owen's thoughts were soon forgotten as a road accident involving a lorry and several cars brought several casualties into the ER.
As fate would have it, one of patients involved in the accident suffered a head trauma which required neuro review.
' Well this looks like a subdural haematoma.' Amelia muttered as she studied the patient's CT scan with Owen beside her. Throughout the day, since their earlier conversation in the same scan room, they had exchanged a few words, solely about the patient and nothing else. They had both agreed before their marriage to be professional about their relationship at work and not to bring their personal issues to work.
' I need to get him to the OR as soon as possible to evacuate the haemotoma. Owen, can you ask one of your residents to book an OR for me?' Amelia asked in her businesslike manner. At work, she was totally focused on her patients and saving their lives, and he loved that aspect of her.
Owen returned to Amelia's side after he had asked Ben to book an OR.
'OR2 is booked.' he announced. ' You know, we should talk.'
' Not now Owen.' she replied curtly. ' I have a patient to operate on, I have a life to save.'
Owen sighed internally. He knew at work, she put her patients above everything else, and he admired that about her. But he also knew that there was something bothering her, and it was killing him inside to see her like this.
' Owen what are you doing in my OR?' Amelia exclaimed, as he entered, fully donned in OR attire.
' I just wanted to scrub in with my beautiful wife. I love watching her operate, I love seeing how focused she is.' Owen answered calmly.
' Aren't you busy in the ER?' Amellia asked, hiding her smile behind her mask.
' The ER has calmed down and April is doing a great job of holding fort there.' Owen replied.
He couldn't see Amelia's expression behind her mask, but he could see that she was blushing at the compliment.
Amelia returned back to the open brain in front of her. She cannot let her husband distract her, she had a job to do.
' Amelia- we need to talk.' Owen said suddenly. ' You've been avoiding me all day- I need to know why.'
'' Can't this wait until we get home Owen?' Amelia asked curtly. ' Can't you see that I'm standing with an open brain in front of me right now? Suction please.' she instructed scrub nurse Bohkee.
' I know- but you'll avoid it when we get home, I know.' said Owen. ' I don't even know whether we'll get to talk to each other tonight, as you'll finish your shift late. And it's killing me to see you like this.'
' I'm fine Owen.' Amelia replied in a cool voice. ' We don't need the whole hospital to know our problems. ' she added as she casually suctioned the blood clot.
' Problems? What problems- we have problems?' Owen asked genuinely confused.
Amelia sighed, knowing that he wouldn't let this issue go until it was being addressed. Her husband was stubborn like tkhat.
' I know what I said earlier on in the scan room hurt you.' she admitted. ' But I hope you'll think about it please. We just need some time to enjoy being us.'
Owen remained silent, contemplating her words. Actually what she said is true- they had been driving on the fast lane throughout their relationship- suddenly falling for each other, then deciding to go steady, then getting engaged, and then married- all in the span of less than a year. Surely, children can wait. But wasn't she the one who suggested they go steady and didn't she propose to him in the first place? Women are so confusing indeed.
From the corner of his eye, he could see Jo Wilson looking back and forth at both of them with curiosity. So much for keeping their private lives private.
Before he could reply- the patient coded suddenly, and resuscitating the patient took precedence over their personal issue. The conversation would have to wait.
That night- Owen clocked out of his shift at 7pm, and prepared dinner as he waited for Amelia to come home. He had ordered Chinese takeout for them, Amelia's favorite. He wanted to sit down and have a good chat with her, to know where she stood with regards to them trying for a baby. He would really love to be a father, but he would not force her into something she didn't want or wasn't ready for- he learnt this lesson with Cristina.
He waited and waited. At 8pm, he rreceived a text from Amelia informing him that she was running late due to an emergency craniotomy- and to go ahead to have dinner first.
Dinner time alone without her was a lonely affair for him.
By 10 pm, after eating, showering and finding nothing new on TV, Owen tucked himself on bed with a journal. Still no sign of Amelia. He fell asleep with the journal on top on him.
At 10:30pm, the bedroom door creaked open. Exhausted after an entire day of back to back surgeries, all Amelia wanted to do was to lie down on the comfy bed which she shared with her husband. She was exhausted, and she wasn't in the mood to talk to him. She knew he wanted to talk things out, but she just wasn't ready to talk yet. She rounded on all her post op patients even though Stephanie Edwards offered to do it for her, took her sweet time at the cafeteria during dinner, and showered at the attendings lounge. All to prolong having to come face to face with her husband. She heaved a sigh of relief when she found him snoring softly with a journal lying on top of his bare chest. She had to admit, he looked so adorable.
She gently removed the journal from his hand, and covered his bare chest with a blanket, kissing him softly on the forehead in the process.
After switching off the light, She slowly crawled under the covers of her side of the bed, and lay down, her back facing him. The bright streetlights outside illuminated a picture of both of them in their wedding attire, happily smiling at the camera, taken on the day of their wedding.
They both looked so happy, like they both knew this was exactly what they wanted. But she , of all people, knew that happiness never lasts forever.
She could feel her eyes pooling with tears, the result of her conflicting emotions, and she tried her best to blink them away as she involuntarily let out a sniffle.
' Are you ok Amelia?' a familiar, comforting voice asked from the other side of the bed. It was the voice which always cheered her up when she felt down and calmed her when she was feeling anxious.
' Yes, I'm fine', she replied curtly, trying to fight back the tears that were now threatening roll down the cheeks.
' Amelia.' Owen knew his wife well enough to know that when she answered him like that- she was far from fine.
' Don't Amelia me.' Amelia still had her back facing Owen, and her voice was now quivering.
Owen knew that he wasn't going to get much out of Amelia when she was feeling that way, so he decided to do what he did best- to just be there for her.
He gently pulled her closer to him and wrapped his arms around her waist. He then used a hand to rub smooth circles around her back, a gesture which he knew always comforted her.
He could feel that her entire body was tense, and he didn't know whether it was due to stress from work, or something else.
To his pleasant surprise, although she still had her back facing him, she didn't pull away or resist his touch. Instead, he could feel her relaxing under his touch.
' You feeling better now?' Owen asked.
' Yeah.' Amelia replied softly, still making no effort to turn around to face him.
' Amelia- we need to talk.' Owen said firmly but gently. ' You said earlier today that we were moving too fast, and that you want to enjoy us first?'
Amelia finally turned to face her husband. She knew that she couldn't run away from the issue any longer. As their blue eyes met, he could see that hers were glistening with tears.
' Yes. That's exactly what I said.' she said calmly in a low tone. ' Is there anything wrong with that- with just wanting to enjoy us both together as a couple first? I feel like we did everything else so fast- why can't we enjoy each other first before jumping into having children?'
There was a moment of silence as Owen tried to come up with a suitable reply. He didn't want to push her into something she wasn't ready for, but at the same time, wasn't she the one who suggested most of their relationship milestones?
' Amelia- please don't get me wrong. I don't want to push you into having kids. I just thought that it was something we agreed on. I thought just 2 weeks ago you agreed not to wait for kids? And I thought you were the one who suggested that we go steady and get married?' Owen replied in a gentle tone. He was trying his best to not come across as accusing her, he was just confused because indeed she was the one who suggested all these things.
Amelia looked at him as their eyes met again.
' I know- and I don't regret being married to you for a single minute.' she said honestly. ' But Owen, we have just been married for 2 months. Considering we moved rather fast in everything else in our relationship- which I love- can we wait to have kids? I want to wait. I want to really enjoy just being us both first, enjoy discovering each other first before we actually add to the family. Please?' she looked at him with pleading eyes, those eyes which he could never say no to.
' Ok- we can wait.' Owen answered honestly. ' I love you so much, you know that? I don't want to push you into something you're not ready for.' It was true, he would do anything to make his wife happy.
' I love you too.' Amelia whispered, cupping his face with her hands. ' It's not that I don't want to have kids with you- I really do- 5 of them, but- I'm just not ready yet.'
Feeling a sudden surge of love for his wonderful wife, Owen kissed the top of her forehead, as he cupped her face. She deserved so much, including respect for her wishes to wait for kids.
As they fell into a comfortable silence, Owen decided to open up to Amelia. She deserved to know about his past, and maybe it would ease her into opening up to him as well.
' Cristina didn't want kids.' he whispered. ' I think that was the main reason why we separated, she was a career oriented person and kids didn't fit into her equation. I,on the other hand, really wanted kids. I thought she would change her mind once we got married, but she never did.'
Amelia looked up at him with her watery blue eyes, proding him silently to continue.
' The breaking point was when she aborted our baby.' he said solemnly. ' Without asking me.' he added softly. ' It was not the fact that she aborted our baby that upset me, it was the fact that she went ahead to do it without discussing it with me first was what hurt the most. It was like she didn't value my opinion or respect me as a person. It was my baby too. For a long time after that, I believed that no woman would ever want to have children with me.'
Owen heaved a sigh of relief once he got it off his chest. For years, he had been keeping his feelings about Cristina's abortion buried deep inside, until it was like a toxin slowly eating him up. And now that he had confessed to someone else about his feelings, it was like a huge burden had been lifted from his chest.
' I'm sorry.' Amelia said sincerely. ' I would never abort your baby, Owen, you know that. Had the test been positive last night, that thought would've never crossed my mind. I was actually given an option to abort my baby the last time around, but I decided to keep him.'
Amelia suddenly became silent, realizing that she had just revealed a bit more information about her unicorn baby to Owen.
Owen meanwhile, saw this as the opportunity to prod her to open up about her baby. All he knew was that her baby had lived for 43 minutes, but he didn't know the details. She never mentioned about it since their brief conversation in the hospital chapel, and he never prodded her about it.
He cupped her face tenderly in his hands.
' May I know what actually happened to your baby Amelia? Do you mind telling me about it? It's ok if you don't want to.'
Amelia knew then that this was her best opportunity to open up to Owen about her unicorn baby. He was her husband, he deserved to know about her past, since he also opeend up to her about his. There should be no more secrets between them.
She swallowed thickly, tears again pooling in her eyes at the thought of her unicorn baby.
' Anencephaly.' she whispered. Her voice was barely audible, but Owen heard it clearly. He had seen a few cases throughout his medical career- as an intern and a resident and his heart really went out to the parents of these babies. During his second year of residency, he was tagging along with a neonatal surgeon who had to inform a mother that her baby was anencephalic based on the ultrasound. The looks anguish in the parents face when the diagnosis was revealed to them would forever be etched in his mind. And now, here his beautiful wife was, lying beside him on their bed and confessing to him that she had an anencepahlic baby.
' No brain.' Amelia added louder when Owen remained silent. ' How ironic is it that a brain surgeon would give birth to a baby without a brain?' she asked, with a bitter chuckle.
'I'm so sorry.' he whispered, lacking of better words to say to her.
Instead, he scooted closer to her and embraced her tightly in his arms.
' I found out that the baby had no brain a couple of weeks after his father died.' Amelia added, finally gathering the courage to tell her story. Addison suggested abortion, but I wanted to keep the baby until full term so that I could donate his organs. '
Owen remained silent, rubbing her back and gently squeezing her arms, subtly urging her to continue.
' He was such a beautiful baby, Owen.' she continued, as a tear rolled down her cheeks. 'I called him
my unicorn baby. I held him in my arms for 43 minutes until he developed respiratory distress. For 43 minutes I was a mother. But then he was taken away from me and my heart broke.'
' He saved many lives. His organs were donated to many other children and saved them..' she smiled proudly. He had done much more in the 43 minutes he was in this world than most people.'
Tears were now rolling freely down her cheeks, tears of extreme relief at finally letting it off her chest and at having finally opened up to Owen, and tears of sorrow for her son whom she missed but never really had a chance to grieve over. She exhaled, feeling a huge burden being lifted off her shoulders.
Now her heart was beating fast in anticipation and trepidation of Owen's reaction. Her tears were now sobs, as she felt a strong arms wrap themselves around her shoulders.
They sat in that position for a few moments as Amelia continued sobbing and Owen wordlessly wrapped his arms around her for comfort and support.
Amelia didn't dare to look up at Owen, she dreaded seeing his reaction. She feared that what she confessed might make him change his mind about her.
Owen meanwhile, grappled in his mind to find the right words to say to his wife. She had just opened up about her past to him, and he was really grateful for that. He knew there was something bothering her, and now that she had trusted him enough to confide in him, it brought their relationship to a whole new level. He really respected her as a surgeon and thought she was a wonderful person, but this- her confession just made him have the uttermost respect for her. He couldn't imagine ever carrying a baby for 9 months, holding the baby in his arms for 43 minutes- only for the baby to be taken away and the organs donated. Amelia Shepherd was an amazing, brave and strong human- and this just cemented it.
' Amelia' Owen said softly.
' I'm sorry Owen.' she continued sobbing. ' I should've told you this earlier, because that was the reason I was relieved the test was negative and I said that we shouldn't rush into having kids today. I know how much you want kids, and I want to make your wish come true so bad. But…I can't….I can't hold another dying baby in my arms Owen. I can't go through having another anencepahlic baby. I can't lose another child….. I didn't want to tell you at first because I was afraid you wouldn't look at me the same way anymore. I was afraid you'd hate me if I told you all this.' she confessed.
She broke down in his arms as he hugged her tight. Her tears now soaked his bare chest, but he didn't care. His heart was breaking for her. It really pained him to see his wife so devastated.
' Amelia, look at me.' Owen repeated louder but gently, when she continued sobbing. He lifted up her chin so her eyes met his. He looked into her watery eyes and saw fear, hurt and relief.
' Amelia- why would you say that I wouldn't look at you the same way anymore?' Owen asked gently. ' Do you know that hearing your story- I have nothing but the uttermost respect for you? How many mothers would opt to keep their anenecephalic baby until birth and hold them in their arms? Amelia- you're the strongest and most amazing woman I've ever met- do you know that?' he affirmed as he looked at her tenderly, running his hands in her hair.
Amelia finally gathered the courage to look at Owen in the eye as their eyes met. All she could see was love and adoration in his eyes. She finally allowed herself to relax in his tender touch, as he continued to caress her hair and then embrace her in another tight hug. Her sobs now reduced to sniffles.
' Thank you Owen.' she whispered, her voice still quavering.
She felt as if a huge burden had been lifted off her chest, she felt free…like a prisoner who had just been released.
' Amelia- I know you're scared..' Owen said as he rubbed her back gently. ' I know you can't bear to go through that again. But the good news is- you wouldn't have to go through that alone anymore. This time, I'm here with you. I don't want to pressure you ok? I want you to be ready.'
Amelia smiled up at her husband gratefully. She still couldn't believe her luck to be married to such a kind, loving and caring man.
' But our baby, our babies will be ok right?' she asked, looking at him for reassurance.
' Our babies will be awesome.' he replied with confidence, squeezing her shoulders in a comforting gesture.
That was all Amelia needed to hear as she allowed herself to relax in Owen's comforting embrace. What he said was true, she wouldn't have to go through all this alone anymore. She had Owen by her side.
P.s. I really hope you guys like it! Please do let me know what you think- reviews, messages and comments are very much appreciated. I love hearing from you all!