Land Ho!
Note and Disclaimer: Obviously, I still don't own M*A*S*H and its characters, plots and storylines. However, even with the brief appearance of Jeanie Morrison this time around, I have to say that she belongs to me alone and is still my favorite O.C. that I've created. Other than that, enjoy!
January 27, 1953, 1430 Hours
As I stand here on a base, practically naked (with my old Statue of Liberty torch in my hands, mind you) in the middle of nowhere Seoul, I shiver with anticipation and some fear. I am frozen in terror almost, so close to escaping and all, and think about my prospects. Yeah, sure, I failed in my last escape attempt, although nobody knew it at the time except maybe Major Houlihan, who suspects me of almost everything, even incompetence and stupidity. At the same time, though, I think I can almost succeed in getting another ticket out of here during this content, had I not had the honor of Captains Pierce and Hunnicutt standing with me, waiting to see if we would win or not.
However, I digress…
Anyhow, this gets me thinking. If I can't make it to Toledo by snow and ice (either by making myself appear at contest alone or by agreeing to this without an escort), perhaps I could still learn a lesson from when I did try to make it by water. It all reminds me of that time when Colonel Blake was still around. Yeah, sure, it was freezing cold outside like it is now, but all the same, it makes me turn back a page to the book of Klinger Escapes…
~00~
February 1, 1951, 1403 Hours
I am sitting there in front of the desk, in that great big office of Korea, staring back at one of the greatest commanding officers any gal can have, Colonel Blake. He, in turn, was still looking at me on occasion, jotting down another note or two in my file here and there, and shaking his head. I could tell that he was trying hard not to laugh, since this latest escape involved something different, but at the same time, there were angry tones to that laugher I've caused him.
I guess Colonel Blake not seeing me in a dress was a bit of a shocker, too. I mean, dressing up like Christopher Columbus was a bit overdone, I think, but nonetheless, it should be within the realm of genius in my mind.
Well, for me, at least, it was a pretty good escape. And I almost got some other personnel to go along with me! The locals even loved it! I was famous.
Suddenly, as Colonel Blake is writing in my file once more, in comes Captain Jeanie Morrison, one of the nurses here. Now, she's a swell girl, although she's been through a lot lately and has been a basket case of sick these days. I love her, though. Most people do nowadays, save for Majors Burns and Houlihan (although I think the latter might be warming up a little). She's been Captain Pierce's steady woman for a while now (and it said something about him) and has been known to be Colonel Blake's fourth daughter, after his own blood and me, of course.
Not to mention, her twin brother, Major Dean Morrison, is usually kicking around and he's pretty nice, too. When he's not chasing the Communists at the Front, he's usually down here with us, guarding the unit and taking his men down to Rosie's in their free time. It's a pretty party when we're all together and we're a happier family for it.
Anyway, when I turned around to see her, me all dressed up like a fifteenth century man like Christopher Columbus, Captain Morrison does a double take. She stops dead in her tracks and shakes her head, just as Colonel Blake did before her, and puts her hands to her mouth. Either she's trying hard not to puke or she's trying harder not to laugh at me.
"Oh, Klinger," she giggled. "Who are you trying to imitate now?"
Colonel Blake finally looks up from the paperwork and notices her. "He's Christopher Columbus this time, Jeanie!" he bellowed at her, which made her grey eyes harden, seeming more resolved to take him on in case she became a target next. "Go ahead, Klinger. Tell her what you did this time before the M.P.'s came after you."
"I am Christopher Columbus, Captain of the Oceans," I cried out to her in a proud voice. "And I see many lands that need to be discovered, all in the name of the monarchs of Spain. Land ho!"
"'Land ho', indeed, Klinger!" Colonel Blake was mad and it showed, but this time, he went from me to Captain Morrison, talking over my head as if I was not there. "He decided to take a few rafts and enlist the help of some soldiers, wounded or not, and when they wouldn't give him a hand, he went after the locals. Many of them fell for it and sailed with him down the river a few miles from here, but he was finally caught and his shipmates sent home. Apparently, all of them thought that they were going to find some more land and claim it in the name of the R.O.K.!"
Captain Morrison went from being in hysterics to serious in two seconds flat, leaving her hands in her mouth. This time, it was surprise. "Are you serious, Henry?"
"As serious as I'll ever be, Jeanie. Now, what do you want?"
With such determined grey eyes, Captain Morrison set herself upon the brave task of appeasing a man with a full temper (and one still after Captain Pierce, mind you) and making sure that her own skin was intact. "Major Houlihan sent me to go get you. She says one of your patients has a higher temperature than the day before. She wants your opinion on what to do, since the normal procedures have not worked."
"And she couldn't come in here herself?" Colonel Blake was about to explode.
"No," the Captain replied coolly, grinning from ear to ear as her hands dropped to her sides. "But, you know that she likes me to snoop for her. Anything against you or anyone she doesn't like is up for grabs. And since I see and hear nothing usually, I would not tell her of Klinger's latest and one of his most ridiculous escapes as of yet."
"Oh, Jesus," Colonel Blake muttered. "Yeah, tell her I'll be there soon."
Captain Morrison left as swiftly as she came in, but it also left me and Colonel Blake alone again. Now, I had to deal with him and his anger issues alone. However, when I faced him again, it seemed like I didn't have to worry anymore. Colonel Blake was slowly calming down and, with it, a chance for me to get away clean.
"Klinger, I don't have much time to discipline you or anything, so I'm gonna have some faith in you and let you off the hook now." Colonel Blake rubbed his forehead, like he had a headache already with Major Houlihan's name all over it (and I haven't counted Major Burns just yet, although I know he's coming soon). "We're four months too late of celebrating the day you supposedly discovered the Americas, so let me promise you a party when October comes around again and we're all still here."
"Yes, Sir!" I was enthusiastic, to say the least. Captain Morrison was the best in making Colonel Blake the man to deal with fairly.
"However," Colonel Blake continued, "it'd be better for you if you'd get back into a dress. I kinda miss the one you got from Sears and Roebuck. You know, the one with the pink frills and lace in the center?"
"I take it that men's clothing doesn't suit me too well?" I asked, raising an eyebrow and showing him that I was slightly insulted.
"No, not only that." Colonel Blake laughed as he got up, appearing to be tired to the bones. "I was wondering if you had that in my wife's size? I would like to see it on her when I get home."
~00~
January 27, 1953, 1446 Hours
Ok, so the announcement about the winner is almost here and I know it, being told to shut up and all. And even with me remembering so fondly that day going down the river and almost drowning with the locals, I still have a better sense of what escape plans will or will not work. As I see a sea of hopeful faces and guards all around me, I know that I have a chance in hell.
And, I have to admit, some of the plans are pretty inventive, if you ask me. And the one where I was to escape from here seemed no better…
And I know that I could come up with something bigger and better!
"Hey, Klinger, quit your daydreaming!" Captain Hunnicutt, standing next to me still, elbows me in my stiff stance. "They've about to tell us the winner. And I hope it's good news!"
"And I bet it'll be –" Captain Pierce began.
"Oh, shut up, will you?" Captain Hunnicutt interrupted, straining his ears as the presenter of the contest hit the stage and read off the winners, from Honorable Mention to First Place.
"…and finally, in first place…the 4077th M*A*S*H, for being the most creative!" we heard as the Captains whooped and hugged each other. "And, most certainly, the most hairy sculpture we've ever seen!"
Even through the chuckles from the crowds, we heard what our prize was, which was a weekend in Tokyo. And it wasn't just me who was getting to go to Tokyo, but also Colonel Potter, the one who entered me into this stupid contest to begin with. Anybody else was going to be sucking wind, according to him.
"Ah, Klinger, we knew that we couldn't do it without you and that hairy body!" Captain Pierce yelled, laughing as he kissed my left frozen cheek. "I thought that the Klinger Collection was officially gone for good!"
"I thought so, too," I replied stiffly, just aching to get warm all over again. "Apparently, I still had this from when MacArthur showed up."
Captain Hunnicutt kissed my other cheek. "You will get some things in Tokyo for us, won't you, Klinger? I have a list of things I want you to get for Peg and Erin!"
"Yeah, as soon as I can get out of here." I growled at the two, finally getting up from my pedestal and stretching my limbs and jumping up and down to get my body temperature up. "Now, do any of you two know if I can get out on a Section Eight like this? These contests are sure to get me hypothermia!"
In case you didn't know, Columbus Day has been celebrated since he landed in the islands south of the U.S. in 1492. It became a federal holiday in the U.S. in 1906, but had been celebrated before that, since colonial times, and had been a source of patriotism and pride, even though it had been a voyage filled with plunder and slavery.