Title: Blackbird
Disclaimer: I don't own Gilmore Girls or any of the characters.
Author's Note: This is inspired by the song "Blackbird" by the Beatles and also sparked from the episode "Motherhood" from the first season of ER where a character gives birth while this song is playing in the delivery room. There's a reference to the Wedding Planner in there (flecks of gold in her eyes), the e.e. cummings poem was used in a recent episode of ER and maybe one or two quotes were borrowed from the girls themselves.
"Mom, you've given me everything I need…"
Seven words that meant more than the most precious moments she had ever shared with her daughter. Twenty-nine letters that meant more than the quips over coffee, more than the one-armed hugs they loved to share, more than the Chilton graduation speech, more than her first steps twenty-one years, eleven months and five days ago. Never did she believe her daughter more capable of standing on her own then at that very moment in the living room those few precious hours together before her departure for the campaign trail.
Nineteen times did she mask her despair in favor of appearing strong-willed and collected. And twelve times she forced back tears since Rory disclosed plans for her immediate future: coach buses, political speeches and handshakes instead of roller coasters, jeeps and cheap carnival booth prizes.
For the third time, she felt truly insignificant in her daughter's life, behind only her first day of kindergarten and the day she moved into that God-forsaken pool house. Simply another character in the home life she will leave behind.
So here she is, staring into her daughter's blue eyes, every fleck of gold mirroring those in her own irises. Suddenly she is taken back to what seemed like just yesterday.
She awoke to the sound of soft chokes of tears and sniffles emitting from the bassinette feet from her bed. Taking a quick glance at the clock to her left she groaned and rolled onto the hardwood floors of the pottery shed turned one-room apartment.
"3:05, just like clockwork. You're going to kill me, you know that don't you, babe? Just one night, that's all I ask. One night of peace," she whispered, leaning over to pull the small bundle of blankets into her arms, holding her softly against her chest and humming softly into the baby's ear. She started to sing, only slightly above a whisper and a little off key:
"Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly. All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise. Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these sunken eyes and learn to see all your life, you were only waiting for this moment to be free…"
She watched those tiny eyelashes flutter closed and as sudden as it had begun, her daughter was content and sleeping once again. "Works like a charm. Thank you, Paul and John," she mumbled, placing the baby back into the bassinette and placing a kiss on her forehead. "I love you, baby girl."
"Mom…"
Four times she blinked her eyes and turned her head away to wipe one stray trickle down her cheek. "Yeah, kid?"
She watched Rory turn towards the security line at Bradley airport and slowly stutter "I…I have to go…"
"Yeah. You do." Three words? That's all she could muster? One hundred and thirteen goodbyes, all lost within the depths of her memory. For the second time in her life, she was truly speechless.
"I love you, Mom. Thank you… for everything. I promise to call you the second I land, okay? Mom?"
Five, four, three, two…
She takes a sharp intake of breath. "Okay. Rory? Thank you. You know, the relationship between mother and daughter is usually that I shape and teach you as you grow up but we were never conventional, were we? You are my life, my happiness, my heart. Whatever happens from this moment on, you always carry my heart with you. So go. Go out be 'the World's Best Reporter'… because you can. I love you, I will always love you and I'll always be here."
Five separate rivers of tears flow down the lines of her face as she watches her daughter swipe at her eyes and smile sadly. " Mom, 'I carry your heart in my heart. I am never without it. Anywhere I go, you go. And that is the wonder that keeps the stars apart: I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart. e.e. cummings. Smart man." She takes a deep breath and looks up into her mother's eyes, "I love you, okay? And I'll see you soon…"
One hiccup. One hug. One kiss on the forehead. One one hundred and eighty degree turn and thirty-seven steps in the opposite direction. One mother standing alone watching her only daughter step into the world.
One-half of a telephone ring. "Rory?"
"Mom?"
"Oh, babe… God I miss you, kid. How is it? How are you? Where…"
"Will you sing me the lullaby?" She hears a nearly inaudible sniffle through the phone and sighs.
"You bet, baby girl." And in that same off-key hum from twenty-two years ago, she sings: "Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly. All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to be arrive. You were only waiting for this moment to be free…"
And suddenly she was right back in the potting shed with the tiny flower-covered wallpaper, the small twin bed and that little bundle of pink in her arms.
She leans over and checks the clock on the bedside table: 3:05 a.m. Twenty-two years felt suddenly like nothing at all.
"I love you, Mom."
"I love you, baby girl." And then she hung up the phone. Thirty-nine days, fourteen hours and eleven minutes until the Obamba campaign arrived in Hartford.
Hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it.