Author's Note: Hope you enjoy this first installment of the story. Expect some angst and a hint of melodrama at first. There are mature themes but nothing that would make the typical Boosh viewer blush. I did my best with British slang but I apologize if anything reads awkwardly.Without further ado, I bring you:
The Unsettling Story of Howard's First Girlfriend
In Which Howard Extends an Unexpected Invitation
Vince tiptoed up the steps of the flat he shared with Naboo, Bollo, and Howard, trying not to make any noise despite being completely smashed. Leroy's cousin Mark kept the fruity-tasting but extremely alcoholic drinks coming the whole evening. The way he did so reminded Vince of how he would try to get girls drunk in college in order to get them to make out with him—which never stopped being weird each time it happened.
When Vince approached the room he and Howard shared, he was surprised to see the light still on, and one of Howard's ridiculous argyle socks around the doorknob. Vince stood right in front of the door, listening to a woman's soft giggle and Howard's low voice muttering unintelligible sweet nothings, feeling his nausea grow by the second.
In seconds he was in the bathroom, retching into the toilet for a full minute, even when his stomach was completely emptied he remained bent over, dry-heaving and feeling completely disgusting.
When he was finally able to straighten himself he stared at himself in the mirror not daring to blink lest the tears come. Yeah, he was a huge hippo...hippo-something—hypocrite. He's slept with more women then Howard's gone to first base with. He had always justified it in his own head, telling himself that it didn't matter because he didn't love those he slept with—they were just a momentary preoccupation, a hobby of sorts. But Vince knew Howard. It wasn't really that he was in there no doubt getting his rocks off, it was that he would only be getting his rocks off if he was in love.
Howard Moon: Man in Love. Didn't have the same ring as Howard Moon: Man of Action, or Howard Moon: Stationary Organizing Extraordinaire for that matter. The idea of Howard having anything better to do than listen to old jazz records and shift paperclips about—having someone better to do than boring Howard stuff.
When he had exited the bathroom, the giggling turned into creaking bedsprings and soft moaning. Vince sat down on the couch and stared into the darkness.
The next morning Vince woke on the couch as Howard walked in, already dressed and with a spring in his step.
"My dear friend Vince, I have news for you," he announced, handing Vince a glass of orange juice.
Vince stared at Howard blankly, not wanting to encourage an answer.
"Last night Howard Moon finally became a man. I know I'm just getting to know Vanessa, but I think I'm falling in love."
"You don't say." He winced inwardly at his comeback. Stupid hangover.
"Can't hardly believe it myself, but there you have it. I want you to meet her. We're going to Marinello's tonight and we'd like you, Ballo, and Naboo to join us."
"Howard, I can't go to Marinello's! What if someone sees me there? They'll think I've lost my edge."
"This isn't about impressing people, now is it? I really fancy Vanessa and want you to meet her and frankly I don't care if you look like the biggest prat in Camden. Vanessa could very well be my future wife so I can't have those people you call friends mucking it up."
"I doubt this Vanessa is that into you." It was low, attacking his confidence but Vince couldn't help himself. He called her his future wife.
"No woman can stay away from Howard Moon once they've had their first taste."
"I bet you lasted no more than five minutes. There's no woman on earth that can get off on a five minute shag, it's scientifically impossible. I bet she's looking for the nearest exit." In reality Howard had managed to last ten minutes—Vince kept track.
"Maybe that's the way things work with the girls you sleep with, but Vanessa is a woman of substance. She's attracted to what's inside me, Vince."
"That's disgusting! I'd stay away from that girl if I were you Howard."
Just then Naboo and Bollo emerged from the other room. Howard turned to them in order to extend the invitation to them, and Vince took the opportunity to slip out, feeling a perverse feeling of pleasure as he overheard the gorilla and the shaman making up lies about why they couldn't meet Howard and Vanessa for lunch.
As Vince was walking to the rail station, he pressed Leroy's speed dial on his mobile but immediately canceled the call. He scrolled through his address book in its entirety before folding the phone closed and slipping it back in his pocket.
The cute Top Shop salesgirl shot him a grin when he entered the store. He nodded a greeting in return and proceeded to search out the next Vince Noir outfit of glorious proportions. After much searching through the racks, fabric pinching, and trips into the changing room Vince had made his selection. Upon discovery of the red lame three piece suit Vince had decided there was no way he was going to miss his chance to meet Vanessa.
The salesgirl held up the suit, admiring it. "Ooh this is very Sebastian Horsley. I always though his look would suit you."
"Yeah, I want to look as fabulous as possible tonight."
"Does The Boosh have a gig?"
"Not anytime soon, actually. My mate Howard's having me meet his girlfriend." He realized how weird that sounded. "We're going to the Velvet Onion afterward though. Maybe I'll catch you there?"
Vince was aware that he was being way more forward than usual. He even picked an easy target, which he normally refrained from doing to keep from getting bored. The shop girl was just backup in case Plan A failed, anyway.
"You might," the girl looked to hardly be able to mask her excitement. "But if you and Howard split you might want to give my friend Jeff a call."
Vince was about to make an ass of himself when he remembered meeting a Jeff a week a so ago who was longing for a leading man in his band. So instead he took the girl's number and left the store much more calmed by this most recent dose of retail therapy.
A/N: Hope you enjoyed the story so far! Of course reviews would be appreciated. Until next time...