Disclaimer: I don't own Lost.
A Little More Time
I'm dying. I know I am. Daniel keeps telling me that I'm going to be fine and that nothing's going to happen to me. I want to believe him, but I know the truth. He knows it, too. He gets a look on his face when I mention having a headache or forgetting things. His reaction is worse when I have a nosebleed, and his face when I woke up after collapsing just confirms the truth. He looked terrified, and so relieved at the same time. I can see it in how he's been frantically looking through his journal. I know he's trying to figure something out, a way to save me. I also know that he's trying everything he can.
I wouldn't be surprised if after I left him at the hatch he started to bang on the door. It probably didn't work, which is why he came back so much later. Even though he says nothing's going to happen, when he looks at me it's like he's trying to memorize what I look like. When he touches me there's no hesitation anymore. That was my first clue. Before the jumps started, before he touched me it looked like he was having a debate with himself about whether he should do it or not. Now, he touches me whenever he wants too. He touches my hair, face, arms, back, anything he can think of. He's no longer holding back. Maybe because he doesn't want as many regrets once I'm gone. I'm enjoying it as well. When he touches me, I almost forget about what's in store for me.
My second big clue was when he admitted he loved me. Again, it was if he was trying to have no regrets. I was surprised and happy when he said it, even though I thought he was going to take it back as soon as Alpert left. Instead, he just said he was telling the truth. I wanted to tell him how I felt in return, but it wouldn't be fair to him.
Once I'm gone, I don't want him to live a life of 'what if'. I don't want him to know that I feel the same, because I know that will destroy him. Losing me is going to break him apart, I know, but I also know that he'll eventually get himself back to normal, or as close to it as he can. It'll be a long and difficult process, but he's stronger than he thinks he is.
I just wish I had a little more time left. I wish I had years left, but I know my time is down to days. I wish I could have met him somewhere other than on the way to the Island. Then, things wouldn't be so difficult. We could have had a long life together, if only circumstances were different.
I don't regret coming back here. Being on the Island has given me two things. It's given me the realization that I never made this place up. It has also given me Daniel. I don't regret any decision I've made in my life, because they have all led me to this moment and to this man. The only thing I regret is that I'm not going to have more time with him. The only thing I want is a little more time.