My eyes start to open slowly and the first thing that registers is pain. Every part of my body hurts and my vision's fuzzy, it takes several blinks to realize that I had passed out in the bathroom of my apartment. Memories of the night before came flooding back and it made me sick to my fucking stomach. I quickly threw my head over the bathtub and heaved up a mixture of booze and deep purple liquid. My head was throbbing and tears started flowing down my cheeks. I curled up next to the tub running my fingers through my hair, pulling it in frustration and screaming.

"I love you," I sputtered trying to make it sound like a joke, but it wasn't. I was utterly in love with Pewdie. My stomach does flips and my spine tingles when we talk. I've never felt like this about anyone before and it's intoxicating.

"Well I defiantly wasn't expecting you to say that!" Pewdie choked out. I could tell by the tone of his voice he was disgusted. Disgusted with me.

I finished the portal game, trying my hardest to laugh and act happy but it tore me up inside. I felt like utter shit, like my heart was ripping itself apart. As soon as we we're through I downed the nearest bottle of whiskey hoping to drown my pain.

Drunk, I texted Pewdie and asked him how he felt towards me. The conversation threw me over the edge.

"Bro, we're friends, why do you ask?"

"Just friends?"

"Well… yeah."

…

…

…

"Cry I'm sorry if you really feel that way, but you're one of my closest friends and I can't think of you any other way."

I screamed and sobbed, grabbing a large knife from the kitchen. I looked at the sharp blade and saw my pathetic reflection. I was a sniveling piece of crap. Why did I even say anything? I kept repeating in my head Pewdie's texts. My mind started to play tricks and manipulated the words into dark lies. I put down the blade and stood there, rocking back and forth. I couldn't think straight. I just wanted to die.

I rummaged through my kitchen for another bottle of booze and found some shitty cheap rum. Something's better than nothing. I stumbled into the bathroom and threw open the medicine cabinet. I pulled out every bottle; I didn't care what it was for, and opened them, pouring handfuls into my mouth, chasing it with the rum.

After I finished the last bottle I felt sick to my stomach but I ignored it and downed the rest of the rum, throwing the bottle on the ground. I let out a whimper as my knees buckled under me. Everything was getting fuzzy and the room was spinning. I felt myself heave and watched a puddle of blood, pills, booze form in front of me in slow motion. Then there was black.

I looked at the mess I had made and closed my eyes. I felt cold and tired as the room started spinning again. I dry-heaved until I tasted iron in my mouth and a warm fluid dripping down my face. I moved my hand to my mouth and opened my eyes and tried to focus on what I had just coughed up. It was blood. I closed my eyes and leaned back knowing what was coming. I felt the cold creep into my body and darkness start to consume me. Then nothing. My sweet release had finally come.