Hello everyone! This is my second attempt at KKM fic! It's ConYuu once again.

This is going to be a 3 part fic. The first two chapters are introspective. This first part is entirely from Conrad's point of view. The second chapter will be entirely from Yuuri's perspective. Hopefully they will meld together and reflect each other well. That is my goal, anyway. Lest you get too depressed, the third chapter will (hopefully?) bring a happy ending. I guess you'll have to wait to find out!

I'm not used to writing in installments, but hopefully the next part will be up very soon. Part 3 might take me a little longer.

Please let me know what you honestly think. I'm trying to work hard on my characterizations, without making them too extreme or too simplistic. Though I guess I've made them rather depressing. oops.

I guess I should also warn about small spoilers for the end of season 1 into season 2. Also, I'm going with the 'Conrad' spelling throughout, because…I can.

Ok, enough rambling, please enjoy!

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How had he allowed this to happen?

Conrad asked himself this question for the millionth time as his heart constricted painfully in his chest. Just seeing His Majesty smile was enough to make his heart race like a silly young maiden. As always, Conrad made certain to show no signs of his distress. That would be unforgivable.

Conrad had known he was in love with the half-human boy almost from the instant he had rescued him from von Grantz's clutches back on his first arrival in this world. His friendly manner and positive attitude had won him many friends and admirers here, but Conrad knew that what he felt went deeper than friendship or a desire to protect him from harm. What he wanted was Yuuri's warmth and affection all for himself. He wanted to be as irreplaceable in his heart as the young king had become in his own.

Conrad berated himself once again for these selfish thoughts. This was something that absolutely couldn't happen, not just because it was a one-sided love, but for many practical reasons that he was fully aware of. Even if he couldn't change his feelings, he hadn't let them run so far out of control as to forget their circumstances.

For one thing, Yuuri was his junior. Conrad had already been a young adult when Yuuri had been born, after all. Even if time passed differently in the two worlds, the gap between them was considerable by both human and mazoku standards. Yuuri was so young and vibrant, he belonged with someone his own age whom he could share new experiences and grow with. Conrad would only hold him back.

Then there was the difference in their ranks. Yuuri was the leader of Shin Makoku, the most important and powerful person in the land. But Conrad was just a soldier, and not even a noble. He was merely Yuuri's protector and guardian, he couldn't dream of overstepping these bounds of status and propriety. And since his seeming betrayal he was not sure he had the right to be even that anymore. Even though Yuuri had assured him of his forgiveness Conrad knew it was not a wound that could be forgotten so easily. They may never be as close as they once were, and it was all his fault. He had proven himself unworthy of Yuuri's trust or esteem.

Even more troubling was Yuuri's engagement to Wolfram. Wolfram may act cold towards him at times, but he was still Conrad's brother. He knew that his own love for Yuuri would inevitably cause Wolfram pain if it were to be known. It would be another deep betrayal of his brother, one he didn't think would be forgiven.

Over the past months Conrad had observed the changes in Wolfram's demeanor. He was becoming more open and affable, letting his haughty façade slip more and more often. Conrad knew this was due to Yuuri's influence. He could only feel glad that his brother had found someone so wonderful to make him happy. But that didn't stop the pangs of jealousy he felt every time he saw the two touch or joke playfully. Still, he would never risk destroying their happiness for his own selfish desires.

But above all of this, putting aside every unfavorable condition or circumstance, Conrad knew that he could never taint his sweet, innocent Yuuri. Conrad had a dark past that Yuuri was still only partially aware of. He had dirtied his hands, killed countless men in dozens of battles; the very thing Yuuri abhorred most. How could he ever embrace Yuuri with these same hands that had been stained with blood so many times?

Even his very thoughts would foul the young man, if he knew. Conrad had been surprised by the passion of his own thoughts. Many times his mind went to unforgivable places. Such impure thoughts had to be suppressed and buried deep inside his mind. Surely Yuuri would hate him if he had any idea what he was thinking as he stood by his side. These thoughts made him feel like the lowest kind of lecher. He was despicable.

Conrad had to remind himself of all of these things every time his heart beat faster at the sight of that smile or his hand reached out to caress smooth black locks. It was simply impossible. His one-sided love for his king would be his secret that he would take to his grave, no matter what. This denial was his atonement for all the sins he had committed.

All he could do was watch over Yuuri as his faithful guardian and protect that smile which he held so dear, even if it meant sacrificing his life. He would do it gladly.