Tears of Chagrin
In a small dark room, Bella Swan lay on a table. "Edward?" She moaned in chagrin. She didn't know how she got there, all she remembered was that she was sleeping in the room where Edward was watching her when a gang of angry teenage girls (and boys, and animals, and God) stormed into her room and beat her to unconsciousness. Now she was on a table. She screamed until she choked, and then she screamed again. She screamed for Charlie. She screamed for Alice. She screamed for Edward. She screamed for Edward. But mostly she screamed for Edward. She was so useless and retarded that she didn't even notice she wasn't bound and was perfectly free to leave the room. But she continued to scream and thrash on the table because she couldn't do anything without Edward. And she was a dumb cunt.
Then she heard a sound that reminded her of rainbows and cutlery and her screeching ceased. Not two meters from her was her beautiful, magnificent, god-like marble Adonis Edward and she peed in joyful chagrin. They looked into eachother's eyes for what felt like an eternity, which it probably was because that was all they knew how to do.
"BELLA!" Edward murmured.
"EDWARD!" Bella mumbled.
"BELLA!" Edward murmured.
"EDWARD!" Bella mumbled.
"BELLA!" Edward murmured.
"EDWURD!" Bella mumbled.
"BELLA!" Edward sparkled.
"EDWARD!" Bella mumbled.
Their thoughtful conversation was about to intensify when Bella noticed something was wrong. Edward hadn't saved her yet. This was because he was trapped inside a ring of kittens. Because Edward was a good vampire, he wouldn't dare hurt the ring of chagrined kittens. She smiled in proud chagrin at her perfect, incredible, cherubic, sparkly, unadulterated Edward's velvet goodness.
But then she quickly realized she couldn't do anything for herself. So she screamed at Edward to destroy the kittens and rescue her already.
A man in a dark robe and mask came into the room. He brought with him a trolley of various sharp utensils. She gulped in fearful chagrin.
"You better not do anything to me! Edward will kill you! Edward will do anything to save me because thats his only function in life!" She shrieked in desperate chagrin.
"Yeah!" Edward brooded and sparkled inside his ring of kittens.
The masked man paid no attention as he picked up what looked like a salami cutter. Bella could do nothing more but scream for Edward, and Edward could do nothing more but cry back, as the masked man inserted her pinky into the hole and sliced the appendage off.
Bella cried in agonizing chagrin as blood drained from her severed pinky. She screamed and thrashed, thrashed and screamed, while her boyfriend heaved in dry sobs, for vampires could not cry. How he longed to break out from his enclosure of kittens so he could save Bella and give her torturer a good talking-to. But he could not break the basic laws of nature and he a bad vampire, so he continued to bellow helplessly inside the ring of chagrined kitties.
"EDWAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD!" She hollered in distressed chagrin.
"BELLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" he sparkled with a smirk.
The man clearly did not want the bitch to bleed out too soon and die before she suffered, for he inserted the rest of her fingers and chopped them off in quick succession.
Bella was in chagrined hysterics now. Never again would she be able to touch her Edward's perfect, beautiful, cherubic, silky velvet locks now, nor would she be able to feel the chill of his sparkly marble Adonis-like chest with her fingertips. She writhed in unbearable agony that was only rivalled by her chagrin. Blood poured out of her disfigured stumps and down the table like one of her stupid truck's oil leaks. Edward was half between sobbing and salivating. Her blood smelled like heroin after all.
"Please stop this! She is my reason for being, my everything, my whiny, ditzy queen of chagrined mediocrity who makes every other woman look extremely appealing now that you mention it but her blood smells nice so I LOVE HER!" he shrieked and smirked sparklingly. The kittens meowed in annoyance.
The masked man didn't give a fuck, and picked up a gigantic hammer which he swung at Bella's toes. They crunched satisfactorily as the little bones broke in odd angles. Bella screamed anew and sobbed worthlessly, her tears and saliva mixing to create bubbles in her mouth as she screamed in agony and chagrin. The pain was unbearable, but being apart from Edward was even worse. The hacksaw that was slowly slicing off her other foot quickly corrected that absurd thought.
She started begging with the masked man, anything to let him release her, but she was incomprehensible in her pain. Her other foot was clean off and blood was draining so fast from so many places that she went pail. She was quickly going into shock. But not before the masked man held a knife above her abdomen, at which point she gained chagrined clarity.
"NOT MY LITTLE NUDGER!"
The man brought the knife down and stabbed her stomach. Blood gushed out like a geyser and a sound much like an infant devil crying echoed from the wound, whistling like a leaking balloon from hell. The masked man twisted the knife in her placenta and Bella's screams were blocked by a gargle of blood. A demonic hand came out of the bloody gaping hole, reaching for the masked man to impart to him mental images of love and sunshine if it touched, but he swatted the Chucky hand away and twisted the knife still further till the deed was done. No one saw Edward sigh in relief before returning to his dry, drooling sobs.
The masked man started cutting up Bella's organs and fondling her liver as she choked in unbearable agony. Her last thoughts before she died from having her own colon stuffed in her mouth were about what life would have been like if she was never such a whiny, pathetic, weak, useless, self-centred, bitch. She thought about how she always used people and mocked them inside, especially Jacob, and she hated herself. She was so sorry and she would do anything to take it all back...
Too fucking bad.
She was dead long before the masked man started bashing her face and prying her eyes out with the back off the hammer. He even defecated into the gaping hole in her torso, as if to simulate that she was full of shit, lol.
By this time, Edward was crying. But it was actually venom flowing down his face, because living corpses don't have sperm you dumbass. He sparkled in a sorrow so great he was chagrined by it. He didn't notice the masked man cleaning up and dumping the idiot's mangled body in a manhole, nor did he notice the kittens moving away to look for other pussies. But he did notice the brunette by the bookstore, and he ran up to her and for the first time actually had a meaningful conversation that didn't involve excess staring. Bella was forgotten as her body was consumed by alligators and her soul burned in hell where all annoying assholes go.
Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, lived every after.