Disclaimer: I don't own Legolas, and I'm glad of it. My girlfriend would ditch me in a split second. I'm rather glad I don't own any elves or any of the creation of J.R.R. Tolkien, as a matter of fact. So ha.
Note: This applies to all chapters.
Legolas was in a trouble.
Not the "ohmigodlifethreatening" type, more general. Actually, even comical.
Before the War of the Ring, Legolas Thranduilio was pretty much no one. Sure, he was supposedly the prince, and yes, his father ruled all of the Mirkwood, but he will never become a king because elves lived forever, and it didn't look like Thranduil was going to pass away into Undying Lands. No, quite the opposite. Legolas had no doubt that he, the young prince, would pass over to the Undying lands before his father. And he did. With Gimli.
Unfortunately, after the War of the Ring, he became quite a hero. He had about thirty thousand servants to wait him hand and foot, and all he did at Undying Lands was indulge in his prime desire – that is, to eat and to sleep, as well as fulfill his other desires.
He saw no problem in his life until one of his daughters – he had about twenty thousand concubines, and he had no idea who the mother of that daughter was; it would be as same as any – pointed at Legolas from about two inches away from him and calling to her mother, yelled, "He's FAT!" Of course, the poor child had no idea that Legolas was her father, and she was immediately hushed. But the damage was done. Legolas' mind was hurt.
Legolas had no idea why he had gained 30 pounds – as was revealed by the health-care specialist in Tol Eressea – even though he had a same eating habit. According to Elrohir who was now ruling Imladris, Aragorn was as skinny and sexy as ever. Gimli… well, he was on the obese side from the beginning. But Elladan, with his wife Mithiel, was as skinny and sexy as ever also, with lithe muscles and no hint of fat anywhere. Legolas had just heard that Elladan was complaining about his weight, not because it was too heavy, but because his clothes were now too big. And Elladan ate a lot. And it was A LOT. He used to devour whole baskets of bread in the morning, whole chicken for lunch, and he still said that he was hungry around 6:00 PM.
Looking at himself in the mirror, Legolas sighed, decided that Middle-Earth and this whole entire world was most definitely screwed, when about two dozen of his servants – all called Mary Sue Greenleaf for some reason that he could not fathom – could eat two thousand pounds of chocolate cake per day and still look like basketballs stuck to a stick, when he, who only could abide vegetables, had gained thirty pounds. No, the world was most definitely screwed.
He went to his wardrobe and started to toss out the clothes from about four centuries ago that he couldn't wear. It was also his clothes that he realized that he was getting obese. It was only a few days ago when he decided to go hunt with Elladan and Mithiel when he tried his leather jerkin on – the one he used to wear during his travels with Fellowship – and it ripped right in two, around the middle. His hose refused to admit his legs, and his soft tunic screamed when he tried to fit himself in. His belt was about to burst.
"Damn," he said, after tossing about the whole entire wardrobe. "This is not good."
"Legolas?" called a female voice. "It's us." Legolas hastily flung upon himself a loose gown and stashed the clothes under his bed.
"Greetings," said the voices in unison as Elladan and Mithiel entered. Yes, Elladan was still sexy and skinny as ever. Legolas became a bit jealous.
"Elladan?" he asked, after Mithiel left to investigate the kitchen. "Can I ask a question?"
"Sure."
"How come you are so skinny?"
Elladan stopped and stared at the blondie.
"What?!"
"How come you are so skinny!" Legolas shouted hysterically.
Elladan started to laugh.
"It's not funny!" Legolas shouted, then sat down and started to weep.
"Oh, Leggy-Man, what is wrong?!" Elladan asked, startled.
"I can't – hic – wear any – hic – of my clothes!" the blond elf wailed. Elladan tried all his best to stifle his laughter.
"Is that it? I thought it was something more serious."
"Can anything be more serious than THIS?! Gimli… well, he was on the chubby side." Elladan snickered. "But Sam, it seems, has now turned into a slim hobbit, which is quite unnatural! Frodo was always on the slim side… and you are skinny as ever as well as Mithiel! I'm the only one who's gaining weight!"
"Fine, fine." Elladan shook his head. "I'll tell you the secret, but I won't take any responsibility."
"I don't care!" Legolas howled.
"Very well then." Elladan sat up straight, and managed to transform his face into a somewhat grave, stern mask. "You need to get a wife."
Legolas, horrorstruck, did not move.
"Legolas?"
"Ai! Ai! A WIFE?!" Legolas shrieked. "I kind of ENJOY my life, thank you very much! Do you actually think that I want to be with the offspring of bovine specie that must be somehow related to Melko? Nay! I'd rather marry a balrog!"
"It's either you do that, or you become second Lord Delhein." Elladan snickered. Lord Delhein was the man they were acquainted to in Gondor, who was the commander of some division of the army which they could not remember. He was as rotund as a ball and just as thick as it too.
"I am not marrying anybody. NEVER!"
"Have it your way, then." Elladan stood up.
"Wait… Elladan?" Legolas looked up. "Do you honestly see any decent female around here?"
"Oh yes!" Elladan's lips curled. "There are numerous beauties around you! A slender beauty with raven hair and startling silver eyes, a demure maiden with lush blonde locks and innocent blue eyes, some fire-spirited looking wench with flaming red hair and green eyes, an evil looking girl with jet-black hair with red streaks and red eyes…" Elladan went on and on, listing all the Greenleafs who hanged around Legolas' household, whom were all peculiarly named "Mary-Sue". With each "Mary-Sue", Legolas' eyes went wider in horror until they were on the verge of popping out.
"So there." Elladan finished after about 15 minutes of entire monologue. Legolas' eyeballs were on verge of falling out – literally.
"They're all terrible! They're eviler than balrogs!" Legolas started to wail again, in a pitch that…
sounds like a yodeler who can't sing getting strangled, Elladan thought as he clamped his sensitive ears shut. And here I was, thinking his voice fair. What a mistake.
Legolas sobbed for what seemed like three hours – (three hours, 27 minutes, and 3 seconds to be exact) then stood up, and said:
"What about diet?"
"What are you going to live on? A blade of grass per day?" Elladan rolled his eyes. "Tell you what. You'll marry a Mary-Sue, and I'll guarantee weight loss in two days."
"Are you sure?"
"Dead positive."
"Alright, then."
Don't burn me for making fun of that elf. Why do girls like him anyway? He's supposed to be a weirdo. Tolkien said so.