The first time Sirius and Remus kissed was the Christmas of their fifth year, when they had both stayed at Hogwarts during the holiday. Both of them felt like Hogwarts was much more of a home to them than their families had ever provided for them, and, besides: the ones they loved most of all were right here. James went home for Christmas, as did Peter, like they did every year. James left his invisibility cloak with Padfoot, making him swear to keep up the arduous task of constant chaos at Hogwarts.
At the beginning of the holiday there was a school sanctioned outing to Hogsmeade, and they took the first opportunity they could to split from the throng of students and escape to The Hog's Head, where they were able to pilfer a bottle of fire whiskey under the cloak. Remus and Sirius ducked into the relative safety of the Shrieking Shack and spent the better part of the afternoon playing "Never Have I Ever" and taking shots.
"Never have I ever involved myself in a massive centaur orgy," declared Sirius, already slightly tipsy. The boys stared at each other for a split second with straight faces until the corners of Remus's mouth started twitching and they both dissolved into side-splitting laughter. No shots were taken.
"Never have I ever…" Remus began, then hid his flushed, drunken face between his hands.
"What?" Prodded Padfoot.
"Nothing," mumbled Moony; it came out like "nnphmmf" between his hands.
"What were you going to say?"
"It was nothing, I'm thinking of something, hold on…"
"No, you were going to say something, just now, and now you won't tell me."
"No, it was nothing, I swear!"
"Moony-"
"Nope."
"Moony, that's not fair, you have to play right!"
"No, no, no, I'm not going to tell you,"
"TELL ME!" Sirius grabbed Remus's shoulders and shook him roughly until his hair began to flop in his face. "REMUS LUPIN YOU TELL ME RIGHT NOW."
"NO!"
"YES!"
Padfoot wrestled Moony's chin into the bend of his elbow and tackled him to the ground. "TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME"
"ALRIGHT FINE YOU WIN, LET ME GO."
Sirius rolled off of Remus onto his side and propped himself up onto his elbow. Remus glanced at Sirius, his face still flushed, and quickly looked away.
"Never have I ever kissed anyone."
Silence from Padfoot. Moony's cheeks blazed brighter.
"Sorry?"
"I have not kissed anyone ever." Remus swallowed his embarrassment that had gathered into a knot in his throat and turned to face Sirius.
If James had been there, Sirius would have immediately began teasing the poor sap. They would have joined together in a team of mockery, and Lupin would have laughed along and the awkwardness would have gone away. But James wasn't there. It was just Sirius and somber, moody, inebriated Moony.
"I'm having a hard time believing that one, mate." Said Sirius, pouring himself a shot, as per the rules of the game. He raised the glass to Remus and knocked it back, wincing as the firewhiskey burned down his esophagus.
"How could I do that, Sirius? How could I kiss someone, and not tell her what I am? You know what that kind of stuff leads to."
"Not always. My first kiss was with Elonda Newcastle in third year. I don't think I've been in the same room with her alone since then."
"A lot of times, that's what happens though. You like someone, you kiss them, you go out on dates and so on and so forth." Remus's voice had lurched into a monotone, something that invariably happened when he spoke about his "condition". What killed Sirius was that he didn't even pity himself, or ask for sympathy for anyone else, he was just resigned to his fate.
"And what's holding you back from that, eh? You can just say you get sick a lot."
"That won't work. And besides, I think if I was going to date someone, I would want to tell them."
"What?" Sirius pushed himself up off his elbow and sat, looking at Remus's face.
"Yeah. Maybe find someone to trust." Remus sighed. "But that will never happen."
"It already did, though. You've got the Marauders."
Remus stared at Sirius. Both of their usual inhibitions were lowered and it wasn't so awkward to stare at each other for such a long time. Sirius's eyes darted from the spangles of premature silver in Remus's hair, to the firm furrow between his eyebrows that was starting to become permanent. Remus worried too much. James and Sirius had always tried to distract him, but it was never enough. It would never be enough. The only thing they could really do was be there, whether as humans or as animals.
Sirius loved Remus. He knew this, he had always known this. Remus had always appeared so solemn but underneath his sober exterior was a sharp, dry wit that could slay anyone quicker than James and Sirius had ever even attempted. There was also a bit of wilderness that Sirius knew Remus was unwilling or unable to acknowledge but Sirius saw creep into his eyes, every now and then. Even when they were young, that glint in his eye did things to Sirius that he didn't even know how to describe at the time, and no one's stolen, torrid kisses in the corridors after curfew could replicate. But it wasn't only the wilderness but the civilization within Remus that Sirius adored. It was his kindness, his ability to see redemption in every single person that made Sirius's brain fuzzy. Remus knew exactly how to tame Sirius in ways that James, his own best friend, could never do.
And to see his friend wallow in the pits of despair because he thought that nobody could ever love him, or accept him… it made him want to weep. Because he was here. He was always here, always. Sirius could not understand why anyone would not love Remus.
A drunken thought popped into his head. Kiss him. So he did.
Remus had been focusing on Sirius's face, and particularly his long, feathery eyelashes that dusted his cheekbones whenever he blinked, and in his fog he didn't notice Sirius's face coming toward his until it was extremely close, and by that time he could do nothing with his surprise.
The kiss began softly, lips gently brushing lips. Sirius did not open his mouth or move his head for fear of quickly bringing the moment to a close when Lupin would inevitably come to his senses. He counted slowly, 1…2…3…4…5… and pulled his head back slightly, watching Remus's face for any sign of revulsion, for rejection. Remus blinked, and smiled a little bit, the first time he smiled all night. Remus's hand found its way to Sirius's temple, where he combed back Sirius's long dark hair with his fingers. They stayed like that for several heartbeats, both of them not really wanting to move.
It seemed like an eternity had passed when Remus blinked again, the flush gone from his cheeks, the spell broken, but it must have only been a minute, maybe even less. Remus pulled his hand away from Sirius's hair and went to get up.
Sirius exhaled, letting out a minute's worth of held breath. His heart sunk to the pit of his stomach, where it decided to lay there to die. He could only hope that Lupin would forget all about this by tomorrow, oh, how stupid he was.
"Hey." Moony said, holding out his hand to the crouching Padfoot. He took it and got up as well.
They dusted off the seats of their trousers and made their way to the tunnel leading back to Hogwarts, not wanting to go back with the rest of the students. If MacGonnagal caught them with the smell of firewhiskey on their breath, they would be cleaning the trophy room for a month.
Moony and Padfoot made their way through the dank tunnel in silence. They followed each other wordlessly out of the tunnel and shared the invisibility cloak as quietly as possible. Sirius felt like every hair on his body was standing upright, both wanting desperately to pull Remus close to him and scared to death of what would happen if he did. He tried his best to shake himself out of the buzz from the firewhiskey to focus all his energy on not touching Remus, not touching Remus, not touching Remus.
Once they returned to the deserted sixth year dormitory, Sirius mustered up some courage to speak. "Moony."
"Hm?"
"Are you mad at me?"
Remus paused. It was such a simple question, such a stupid question, but he could hear Padfoot's vocal chords twinge.
"I'm not mad."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Okay." Sirius took a deep breath and let it out, slowly, slowly. Both of them got ready for bed. Sirius slid underneath his sheets and buried his face in his pillow. He heard the crackling of the candles get softer and softer as the stony castle sensed it was time for bed. Remus looked outside. It was barely sunset. How odd for Sirius, who was often up with James until the wee hours of the morning.
Remus loved Sirius too. He didn't exactly know how to express it, though. Flamboyant, passionate, gorgeous Sirius. The kiss was a surprise, but it had left a tingling on his lips that was so very different from their pilfered alcohol.
A sudden thought came into Remus's head. Go to him. So he did, ignoring the furious galloping of his heart against his sternum. He padded softly to the side of Sirius's bed, gingerly pulled back the blankets and sliding in next to Sirius.
"Huhm-" Sirius started, but Remus twined his hand into Sirius' fingers and Sirius thought better of whatever he was going to say. They stayed like this, side-by-side like paper dolls, connected by the hands for several minutes. Lupin worked up enough courage to shift his body closer to Padfoot's, little by little, millimeter by millimeter, until their shoulders touched. He squeezed Sirius's hand. Sirius squeezed back.
Remus craned his neck until he was close enough to deliver a swift peck to Sirius's cheek. Sirius giggled and turned to look at Remus, upon which Remus quickly pecked Sirius's forehead as well. They Sirius marveled at the sudden playfulness of Remus; there was a glint in his eye that was hard to ignore. Sirius brought his hand to Lupin's cheek and grazed his jawline with his thumb slowly, then brought his mouth to Moony's.
This time, Sirius wasn't so cautious. He tilted his head and opened his lips, deepening the kiss, moving his hand from Remus's jawline to his temple, running his fingers through his hair.
Remus was on sensory overload; he couldn't remember the last time someone had touched his face so tenderly. His heart felt like it might burst. So many times before he had wondered what to do with his lips, with his hands, but with Sirius his mind went still for once in his life, and he relaxed. His hands pressed gently against Sirius's chest, flowing up to his shoulders and his arms, and back down to his clavicle. It felt like he had waited for a million years to touch Sirius like this. He tried to imitate what Sirius was doing with his lips, opening them slightly and running his tongue along Sirius's lower lip. Sirius let out a soft, delicious moan, and nibbled Remus's tender lower lip.
Sirius's eyes were closed, breathing in Lupin's scent, tasting him on his tongue. He reached his hand up to caress Remus's cheek; it was hot, so hot, as if there was fire under Moony's skin. Sirius pulled his head back and examined Remus's face. It was beet red, a funny sight indeed. Remus looked peaceful and content, something so unfamiliar and shocking to him. Sirius tangled both his hands up in Remus's tawny hair, leaving little kisses along his hairline and eyebrows.
"Why are you stopping?" murmured Remus.
"I don't want to overwhelm you, young Moony. You are still so new to kissing and I am worried you will explode, if the temperature of your face is any indication."
Lupin brought his hand to his cheeks, feeling the heat for himself. "Am I that bad of a kisser?" he pouted, oh God, his lips when he pouted. Sirius could not help but bring his lips to Remus's again.
"You're wonderful." He whispered in Moony's ear.
Lupin smiled, a rare, toothy grin, and entwined his hands in Padfoot's. "I'm sure that's the alcohol talking."
"No, no, it's true!" Sirius protested. Remus smooched him firmly on the forehead and rolled over onto his stomach, draping his arm tightly over Sirius, locking him into place.
"Uh huh. Now go to sleep, you're piss-drunk."
"Hmph." Sirius grumbled. They both closed their eyes and went to sleep.