Hello everyone! This is a series of crack-fics written by Incitatus the Horse, who has not seen the Avengers, and kaufmanl, who has. You heard right, people, your favorite authors are collaborating on their first ever joint fanfiction! What's that? We're not your favorite authors? You need to sort out your life, man. We wrote an entire series about poop sandwiches!

These crack-fics are inspired by a chapter in kaufmanl's fanfiction, The Defenders, called "Lesbians and Poop Sandwiches". You do not need to read said chapter to read this, but it would help.

Disclaimer: We do not own the Avengers.

This particular oneshot is written by Incitatus the Horse, who has not seen the Avengers.

One day, Loki got very bored locked up in Asgard, or wherever he is, because it's not like I've seen the whole movie. Anyway, he was just sitting is his cell, pondering different ways to get revenge against the Avengers (he was going to avenge his loss by getting revenge on the Avengers. Does this make any sense? No. Leave me alone.), when he had a brilliant idea than only a godly mastermind could possibly come up with: Use the radioactive chickens of Asgard to help him escape from Norse Godly prison and also to help him dominate the Earth's population, along with the Avengers, so that he could rule the Earth. Little did he know, it can be difficult to get radioactive chickens to cooperate with you, even if you're an evil Norse god, because, you know, they're radioactive. And chickens. Anyway, he managed to figure out the special radioactive chicken mating call. It goes something like, "AIIIEEE-AIIIEEE-SQUAWK, AIIIEEE-AIIIEE-SQUAWK," and so on. Loki managed to do this and was successful in luring the radioactive chickens to his cell. From there, he learned their language, until he was able to tell them to peck him out of his cell as if he were a baby radioactive chicken. They did this, and Loki was free, just like Dobby, but a little less house-elf-y. Anyway, we should probably start talking about the Avengers now, shouldn't we? Yeah, we should. Okay.

So, if you haven't read Lucy's literary achievement, The Poop Sandwich Story, (This can be found in kaufmanl's fanfiction, The Defenders, in the chapter "Lesbians and Poop Sandwiches") I highly suggest you read that before continuing with my own intellectual endeavor, The Poop Sandwich Story 2.0. Both are recommended reading for the American Lit course at Harvard University. Here is a short summary of the great modern classic by Lucy Kaufman, The Poop Sandwich Story, written by the great achiever herself: Tony and Steve are, like, really into poop sandwiches. The end.

Now, back to the story.

It was a perfectly normal day for the Avengers. They were doing stuff like, you know, Avenging. Nothing too important. But then, Agent Coulson called them and said, "It's Loki. Remember the guy in the fancy green cape thing and the weird hat? Yeah, him? Well, he's back and this time he has ... *drumroll for effect* radioactive chickens." All of the Avengers gasped loudly upon hearing about this unforeseen foe.

"Alright, Avengers," said Agent Coulson or whoever is more believably saying this, "It's time to avenge. What, I don't know. But you should just go and do your thing now. See you later. Good luck. Bye."

Tony Stark called a meeting of all the Avengers at his house.

"Now, my friends," he said, "I don't really know what to say, because frankly, this author has no idea what she's doing. But, I think it's time to prepare ourselves to beat Loki by becoming our most badass, avenging selves. I'm not really sure what we're going to do to achieve that goal, but I'm sure the readers can figure that one out by themselves. Willing suspension of disbelief, people!"

So, the Avengers became their most avenge-y selves, and were prepared to fight against Loki with all their might. The moment of the fight was upon them as Loki was descending from the sky with his troop of radioactive chicken accomplices.

"Tony," Steve said, because I haven't given him any lines yet, "I have one last question before we quite possibly die."

"And what's that?" replied Tony, looking very seriously and deeply into Steve's blue eyes.

Steve took a deep breath, and asked, "What's for lunch?"

Tony embraced Steve tightly and whispered, "Poop sandwiches."

Both men collapsed on the ground, seized by paroxysms of laughter, while the rest of the Avengers just kind of stared at them like, "What the fuck? We're all about to die, you assholes, and all you can do is laugh?!" But Loki, with his superior, Asgardian hearing, joined the laughter, plummeting to the ground with his troop of radioactive chickens. Gasping for breath, he said, "That was the funniest," gasp, "thing," gasp, "I've ever heard!" All three men shedding tears, they continued to laugh until the rest of the Avengers looked kind of offended.

"Hey," said Natasha, because she hasn't had any lines yet either and that's a darn shame, "We evacuated the entire city for this? This disgraceful...this...I don't even know, but it's sure as hell not life threatening, unless you count death by laughing until your lungs pop."

"I don't know if that's actually possible," said Bruce. Natasha just shrugged.

When the laughter had sort of subsided, Loki managed to say, "Alright, I give up. I can't possibly win against your amazing poop-related badassery. I'm just going to have to go back up to Asgard with my radioactive chickens now. Thanks for the laugh, Tony, Steve. I probably won't see you later, because that was completely brutal. What a work out for my core muscles. Anyway, bye guys!" Loki waved once more before he had ascended back to Asgard with his chickens, a few stray tears of hilarity still running down his face. "Poop sandwich," he whispered gleefully, and disappeared into the sky.

"Steve, I call that work well done," said Tony, patting his friend on the back.

"Tony, I agree. But strangely enough, all that laughing has made me hungry. Tell me, Tony, what's for lunch?" And once more, their conversation subsided into laughter.

Clint shook his head at them and made a dismissive gesture with his hand.

"Let's just leave them there," he said. All the other Avengers agreed, and went to go make lunch.

(It was poop sandwichez.

Love,

Tony)