LeeLee: He's back again!
ShaeShea: And this time he's more retarded than ever
LeeLee: We're also back
ShaeShae: And sexy as ever! ... pushaw!
Leelee: Yes we're about as sexi as a grain of rice because we all know grapes are sexi
ShaeShae: And although grapes and rice have absolutely nothing in common except for that fact that they are both grown and are eaten, I must agree with you Leighann. Anyway...we present to you...
Leelee: The Random Adventures of a Bored Emmett Cullen! Hogwarts Edtion! Also known as TRAoaBECHE!
ShaeShae:That's a mouthful! Well anyway, enjoy!

The Retarded Adventures of a Bored Emmett Cullen: Hogwarts's Edition

Kings Cross Station was bustling and crowded as it usually is at this time of the year. It was also as weird as ever. Children moving around with large wooden trunks and owl cages seemed to be appearing everywhere. This year was especially odd seeing as there was an incredibly pink pony in the midst of it all. Even weirder surrounding the pink pony where seven incredibly good looking, gold eyed people and one plain looking one. But what caused people not to get to close to them was not the feeling that they would die if they got too close but the fact that the pony and one of the golden eyed people where hugging and crying.

"Oh Oh my!", the pony cried, "I-I'm going to miss you all sooo much!". The pony sobbed into the shirt of the largest of the golden eyed person.

"Don't worry Palo." the smallest one, Alice said. "You'll barely miss us especially Emmett." She smirked. Little did the two crying people know that the other seven where planning something.

"Yeah,", Jasper, the constipated looking one said. "We'll make sure you don't miss each"

Palo sniffled. "Really?"

"Yes!", Everyone said at precisely the same time. This had obviously been planned.

"Well then...", Carlisle said, "You better get going."

"Yes, yes I should", Palo said. So he hugged everyone one last time and began his journey through the barrier of platform 9 3/4

Emmett moved closer to the barrier separated him from his best friend. While he was doing that Alice moved closer to him and with an innocence that would make a evil four year old jealous she lightly put her hands on his back and pushed him forward.

"Run and/or dance!" she yelled to the rest when Emmett disappeared. And so it was on that note that the Cullens Moon walked away. Meanwhile Emmett stumbled onto Platform nine and three quarters.

"EMMETT!" Palo screamed before running towards Emmett.

"PALO!" Emmett also yelled running towards Palo.

"EMMETT"

"PALO!"

"Gay." someone who was passing coughed out. Emmett and Palo, who where actually standing a foot away from each other the whole time, turned to glare at the boy.

"Meh", the blonde boy said and continued walking. At that moment the train whistle belched out a terribly loud. "Hurry up Palo! We're going to miss the train!", Emmett said and grabbed Palo's hoof and proceeded to run to one of the train doors. Palo, who had just a pinch more sense than Emmett, realized that Emmett was not supposed to come on the train or got to Hogwarts but what the hell, they don't have to split up anymore.

So it was with a smile that the both of these idiots came upon a compartment that held only a 2 boys seemingly 11 years old.

"And then, I'm going to turn Alice into a pixie, and Edward into a rock!", Palo was talking animatedly to Emmett who nodded thoughtfully.

"Who are you?", one of the boys-a redhead- asked but the black haired boy spoke up before the could answer,

"I didn't know pet ponies were allowed!"

"I'm not a pet!" Palo cried out offended.

"Yeah! He soo happens to be a student." Emmett added.

"And aren't you a bit old to be as student?", The redhead asked Emmett.

Emmett gasped, not believing what he heard. "Of course not! Haven't you ever heard of special ed?"

"Who is Ed and why is he special?" the carrot topped boy as the dark haired boy looked at him with an expression that said, 'You're just plain stupid.'

The three- Emmett, Palo and The black haired boy- shared a look before looking back at the idiot boy. "What?" he asked them.

"Anyway.", Palo said changing the subject. "You two haven't introduced yourselves.

"Well I'm Ron Weasley and that's Harry Potter." the boy, Ron, introduced. The other, Harry, sighed at the excited look that came over Palo's face but got a shock as Palo turned to face Ron.

"Ohh my God are you descended from weasels?" he asked excitedly.

Ron turned red. "I am not!", he blubbered but Palo had already started an animated conversation with him about weasels and possums and dolphins.

Emmett stood staring at Harry.

"W-what?" Have you heard of me too?", Harry asked nervously.

"Heard about you? I've read sooo much about you!", If Harry was confused before, he was definitely confused now. "You're in all the major magazines!"

Really?" Harry asked in a small voice.

"No duh!" Emmett replied, "Everybody reading up on Johnny Depp's love child."

Harry scrutinized Emmett before nodding slowly. "Okay... Well anyway, you two haven't introduced yourselves yet."

Palo shared a knowing look with Emmett before, in a burst of light, Palo wore a black tuxedo while Emmett sported a sparkling red dress.

"Hello and welcome to 1-800 Introduce The Retards .com /gov." Palo said as Emmett did a pose and flashed a smile. "First up is Emmett! Introduce yourself!"

"My name is Emmeta and I will you're be your flight attendant. In the event of a loss of pressure - masks will come hurtling down at you. After you stop screaming,take the mask and put in on our face. If you are traveling with a child, please place their mask on first to shut them up. If you are traveling with more than one child - please decide which child you love more now because you probably won't have time to put masks on both kids in time. We'll be coming around with snacks and drinks shortly. Once the pilots figure out what they are drinking, we anticipate having alcoholic beverages available for purchase. Thank you, now please enjoy the flight."

The two boys, Harry and Ron, stared at Palo and Emmett, Harry with a twitch in his eye, until a girl walked into the compartment.

"I'm looking for a toad. Have you- Palo?"

"Hermione?" Palo asked looking at his previous owner.

"Palo I've missed you and your retardism soo much!" the girl, Hermione cried, running up to hug Palo. "I've turned..SMART!" Emmett and Palo gasped.

Hermione laughed. "Yeah man! After you left, I was attacked by a book throwing monkey who forced so many books inside my bedroom window that I just had to read them!"

"You mean Bob?", Emmett asked. "He always used to throw books at me but I just ate them."

Hermione nodded thoughtfully, "Nice approach."

"Uuum excuse me, Hermione?" Harry asked while Ron was scratching his head wondering, first Ed, now Bob?

"Yes?"

"You know these two?"

"Only Palo. He used to be my friend until my parents kicked him out cause they wanted me to be normal." Hermione looked sad and thoughtful at this, "I also think they hired that assassin monkey"

Ron who was looking at everyone funnily, as if his brain may soon explode said to Hermione, "What is your name?"

"Hermione.", Palo, Emmett, Hermione and Harry, said at the exact same time.

Ron blushed red and looked down.

"Well as I was saying before, Has anyone seen a toad?", Hermione asked and when everyone shook their heads she said to everyone in the compartment, "Well do you all want to help me find it?"

"Yay! Toad hunting!" Palo exclaimed running out the compartment but unfortunately he was a bit too enthusiastic and ending up running into the door opposite theirs.

"Ahh Palo." Emmett and Hermione sighed at the same time.

"BFF's?" Emmett asked.

"Totally!" Hermione answered.

"To the toad and beyond!" Palo yelled popping up from nowhere.

"Are you coming?", Hermione said, turning around so quickly it made her wild hair lash out and smack Emmett.

"Oww!", Emmett said and Harry and Ron shared a look.

If she able to make a grown man say 'Oww' only with her hair, then imagine what she could do to them if they didn't help, they both thought.

Looking up at Hermione they both nodded and the quintet was on their way.

So the five of them spent the whole train ride searching for a toad that did not want to be found.

"Well that search was hopeless." Palo sighed as they waked out unto the train station, "We searched the while train and all we found," he reached into his pockets, "Was this bag of gold, a handful of wands, and this blonde kid."

"How did he fit in your pocket?" Ron asked wide eyed.

"Magic." Emmett said with hand motions.

"Really?"

"No."

"Hey I'm right here you know!" the blonde boy exclaimed. "I mean all I wanted to do was meet Potter and convince him to be friends with me in Slytherin because daddy that I'll never make friends an.." the boy trailed off as he walked away.

"Remind me to ask the hat not to put me in Slytherin." Harry told the others who nodded. Ron blinked and whilst the other where staring at the boy, looked around before snatching the bag of gold and stashing it in his pocket. He had his arms folded and was whistling when a ginormous, bearded man boomed out through the crowd.

"Firs' years! Over here!"

"Hey!", Palo yelled over the crowd of students. "We're firs' years!" He then proceeded to drag along the boys while carrying Hermione on his back. So after greeting the man who Harry introduced as Hagrid they all climbed into a boat and took off.

"WEEEEEE!" Palo and Emmett screamed whilst Hermione sat in the front looking through a telescope, a pirates bandanna over her hair.

Aren't there supposed to be only 4 people in each boat?", Harry asked. Just then, the boat began to tip over and a slimy tentacle poked around on board.

Everyone stopped to stare.

"What do we do?", Ron whispered.

""I think we should poke it.", Palo whispered the reply.

"No." Emmett whispered, "There's only on way to get out of this."

"Which is?" Ron asked.

"TALLY HO!" Emmett yelled pushing the boat causing it to flip over, dumping them all into the freezing water. And that's how they got standing, dripping wet, in front of a lady called McGonagall who was giving them a right telling off.

"And you!" she finished pointing to Emmett, "You're not even supposed to be here! You're not a student!"

"Actually", Emmett said as he pulled out the infamous chart, "Technically, the hallucinations of Tutankhamen is avid proof that the halo around Beyonce's head will keep the Nargles away and therefore Johnny Depp's love child will end up with an almost perfect replica of the deceased woman who gave birth to him and since Pluto is no longer a planet falling down is no longer an option therefore putting Neptune in the spotlight and making all of the other planets jealous. Earth then tips over a bit because Fat Albert crossed the prime meridian and the magical imbalance of all idiots creates a giant ball which then forces me through the barrier between Muggles and magic and then I found myself on the train. Therefore, I do belong here."
Everyone blinked at him.

"Actually Minerva that makes complete sense." The group blinked again and slowly turned to see a man with an extremely long beard. "In fact I was the one that came up with the Tutankhamen theory. This boy here deserves to be in Ravenclaw. In fact I put him there. No need for a hat to tell that he's a genius."

"Yay!" Emmett yelled whilst everyone else looked at the man stupidly.

"The rest of you can just go in Gryffindor. You reddie cause your whole family's in it. You pony because you're pink and pink is close to red. You Harry my boy because your parents where in it. And you little girl because, well because you'll get killed because of jealousy in Ravenclaw. See you all at dinner." The old man then walked off whistling a jolly tune.

"Albus?" McGonagall asked dumbfounded and the children/men/animals walked to their respected houses.

"Well that was interesting!", Palo said as they searched the halls of Hogwarts, trying to find their respective rooms.

"Are you mad?", Ron blurted out loudly.

"Well," Palo tapped his chin. "It depends on what you classify mad to be. I'm not particularly angry at the moment and i /am/ a bit crazy so... I'd say yes I am mad."

Ron shook his head but then froze as a dark figure stepped out from one of the corridors. There stood a scowling, thin man dressed in dark robes.

"Not to be rude sir," Hermione said politely, "But who the hell are you and why are you sneaking out from corners?"

"Yeah!" Palo agreed. Harry looked from them to a frozen Ron. /Screw this/, he thought.

"Are you a rapist or something?" he asked. The man stepped back with a shocked look on his face.

"No!" he protested.

"You sure look like one." Palo stated getting murmurs of agreements from Harry and Hermione.

The pale man's face was already turning an unpleasant red. " No I am not a rapist!", he yelled at the students. "Now 50 points from Gryffindor for being out after hours!"

Hermione, whose brain could have been heard whirring inside her head said, "How do you even know what house we're in?"

The man paused and Palo smirked.

"Haha looks like we win, sucka!"

The man made a face before saying in a dead, flat voice, "I'm a vampire and I want to kill you." This sent Palo, Hermione, and Ron running away screaming.

"You," he said pointing to Harry, "I was in love with your mother." Harry looked at him horrified before running away screaming the loudest. Then the man summoned a mirror and said into it.

"I'm Severus Snape and past Death Eater that has killed." A blood curling scream sounded from behind him and Snape turned around to see a Ravenclaw running down the hallway. "Not again."

"Well today was fun!" Palo said as he, Ron and Harry sat on Hermione's bed.

"Why are we in the girl dormitories? How are we in the girls dormitories?" Ron asked.

"Well are you sure that you're a boy Ron?", Palo asked Ron.

"Look whose talking', Ron replied. "Your pink"

Both Hermione and Palo shot down Ron with their glares and before anyone could even begin to make a threat, he was out of there.

Hermione shrugged. "Well that got rid of him."

Palo nodded. "Yeah. anyway, I'll be on my way babes, good night!"

With that he gave Hermione a swift kiss on the cheek before jumping onto Harry's back and forcing to give him a piggy back ride.

Hermione smiled warmly at her friends before retiring to bed. she knew she would need to rest. If today was anything to go by, tomorrow would be absolutely draining.

ShaeShae: Sometimes I wonder about our mental well being.
Leelee: Puh-lease (quote dat book) we're perfectly normal. My cereal told me soo this morning.
ShaeShae: *nods and steps away* Anyway, we hope you enjoyed this very first, supermegafoxyawesomehot chapter. Also, Leighann and I were talking about our crazy plans to get into Hogwarts. Tell them your plan LeeLee.
Leelee: Ok here's my supermegafoxyawesomehot plan to get into Hogwarts. First, since i can't get through unless I'm magical I'll hang out by the entrance of platform 9 3/4 until i see some wizards coming my way then when they run I'll grab onto them an let them pull me through an slowly but surely I'll make my way to the back of the train an stay there until we arrive an it's time to get off. Then I'll sneak off to the carriages b4 anyone gets on them an hide under the seats an when the ppl board the carriages we'll be off. Wen it's time to get off I'll make sure everyone else it gone then change into a fake Hogwarts uniform an melt into the students as if I was eva there. Is it a good plan?
ShaeShae: It's up to you guys. What do you think of her plan? I would tell you all mines but i have so many, it'll take forever. Perhaps I can post a list of them on my profile! Okay, so tell us your favorite plan to get into Hogwarts and we'll showcase the best few next chapter.
Leelee: So since this is getting extremely long that's all for today and we big you goodbye. BYE! Work on those plans!
ShaeShae: Good bye.