A/N: This is my second fic and I would really appreciate some feedback. This is so much harder than it should be! ;-)
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
There wasn't much he enjoyed in life anymore, but autumn was one of them. There was a bite and briskness to the air that was invigorating. It almost felt like it was possible to start over again. And, at times when walking around Muggle London, he felt normal. He was able to forget about the dark stain marring his arm, forget about the terrible things he did during the night, forget about the monster that he had pledged his allegiance to. Severus Snape savored these moments because far too often he was not able to forget, far too often he relived the things he had done, and saw the lifeless eyes in his sleep. But this particular day he was walking through London pulling his scarf tighter around his neck and breathing in deeply.
Once upon a time, he hated anything to do with Muggles. He believed that all Muggles were like his alcoholic father. He couldn't stand Tobias Snape; he loathed the man who seemed to take out his every frustration on his wife and young son. In his youth and naivety he thought that his father was representative of all Muggles. It wasn't until meeting Lily and her family that he started to see that not all were like Tobias. He still nurtured his hatred of Muggles, however; and allowed that hatred to guide him to the Dark Lord. After graduating Hogwarts and joining the Death Eaters, his view of Muggles drastically changed. He watched his peers torture and murder, watched them bully and demean people. In the moment, it no longer mattered if they had magic or not; they were just people and he realized that the Death Eaters, this group he had chosen to join, were Tobias Snape. They enjoyed hurting and mocking, they blamed Muggles for all their problems and took their frustrations out on them. He placed himself with the type of people that he was trying to avoid, and he could not see a way out of his situation.
As he walked, he glanced in shop windows around him. There was much to see and so many different stores. That was one of the things he had grown to love about Muggles- variety. They had so much to choose from and were always advancing. The wizarding world was stuck in the past- from politics to fashion, nothing ever moved forward. That was also a lesson he had really learned from his friendship with Lily. Being around her and her family showed him a different side to the Muggle life-style, because although his father was a Muggle, he never spent any time with him, if he could avoid it. And avoid it he did. He never knew any of his father's family, so outside of his father, Lily and her family were the only experience he had with Muggles, and he was amazed by the way they made things work and the ingenuity they showed
He stopped at his favorite café to sit for a moment and breathe in the rich aroma of coffee. He ordered his drink and sat at a table by the window, so that he could watch the people as they passed. Before long his eyes lost focus as his thoughts wandered. As usual when his thoughts wandered they centered on Lily. He thought about the first time he came to Muggle London. It was with Lily and her mother. He had a run in with his father the week before and the bruises were still fading, Lily and Mrs. Evans wanted to cheer him up and give him a pleasant memory. They walked the streets of London window-shopping and eating sweets. It was one of the best memories he had of his childhood. He could still see Lily laughing at an outrageous outfit they saw on display in a store. He always loved the way her nose crinkled when she laughed.
He had no idea how long he had been sitting there staring out of the window when he felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up and his skin prickle. He immediately sat up and took a covert glance around the café. He caught a flash of red out of the corner of his eye and when he glanced that way his heart skipped a beat. Lily Evans was standing on the other side of the glass window. It was as if dwelling on her and the memories they shared had conjured her. She was staring at him and he felt frozen in place. He could almost believe that she wasn't real, but he could see her hair lightly moving with the breeze.
Severus had not seen Lily since graduating from Hogwarts, a year previous, but it felt like a lifetime. He took notice that she was by herself and he wondered where her fiancé and friends were. She looked the same except her brilliant red hair was longer. In the past, her eyes had always been expressive; he knew what she was feeling by looking into her eyes, but now they were shuttered and closed off to him-another reminder that they were no longer anything to each other. He continued to watch as her shoulders straightened and all the sudden she seemed to be brimming with determination. She turned from the window and entered the café. He barely had time to come to grips with what was happening before she was seated at his table.
She smelled of vanilla, just the way he remembered, and her lips were pink and glossy. Her freckles were fading, they were always more prominent during the summer. Her eyes were the same striking green that he remembered and she was wearing a green scarf that was almost the same color. Snape sat still; he couldn't take his eyes off of her. His brain was befuddled and he thought that he must be dreaming. She seemed to be searching every line and scar on his face- cataloging what was new from the last time she had the chance to look so closely at him.
"Hey Sev." It was more of a sigh than words and it seemed to take a great deal of effort from her. He had always hated that nickname unless she was the one using it. He would always hex anyone else who used it. It was saved just for her. He gave his head a shake to bring some clarity back to himself.
"Lily." He had no idea what to say to her, it had been so long since he was face to face with her. He couldn't imagine what she would want to say to him, why she would even walk in the door. She should have kept walking and pretended not to see him. She continued with her appraisal of his person. He had no idea what she was searching for, but her gaze felt probing.
"You look tired, Sev. Are you okay?" She brushed her hair off of her shoulders and leaned forward with her elbows on the table, and for a moment he felt like he was fourteen again, talking to his best friend before classes started. For a moment, he wanted to let it all spill out, the shame, the guilt, all of the darkness inside of him, but one more look at her and the beauty and the innocence that radiated from her, stayed him. He knew then, knew that although he still loved her, he could never taint her with what was inside of him. She was too good, too pure, too lovely for him and always had been.
He held his coffee cup aloft. "That is what this is for." He said, avoiding her question. She quirked an eyebrow in acknowledgement of his answer.
"I hear that you are working on your potions mastery. I'm very excited for you, I know that is what you always wanted and you have worked hard to get to this point."
Once again she left him speechless. Never would he have thought that she wanted to know anything about him. She should hate him. They are on opposing sides and he had done awful things- things that she surely knew about since she was a part of the Order of the Phoenix.
"Yes, I am. Thank you." He was going to stop and not drag this conversation on any longer but before he realized it, he was talking. "What about you, Lily? I haven't heard much about you. Are you pursing healing like you wanted?"
He could remember the first time that Lily mentioned wanting to be a healer. They were walking to Hogsmeade and talking about the future. He had just told her his dream to be the youngest potions master in history. She was encouraging and made sure he knew how much she believed in him. They were both excellent at potions and he hoped that she might want to try for a mastery also. However, she told him about the death of her grandmother and how horrible it felt to watch someone you love die very slowly and be helpless to stop it. She wanted to find some way to use magic to help heal Muggles. It seemed so unfair to her that people were dying and magic could save them.
She turned her eyes to the table and started to trace the grains while she pursed her lips. "No, unfortunately things got complicated for me pretty quickly after graduation. James and I have quite a few enemies and while we aren't in hiding, per se, we are keeping a very low profile. I am not able to do much these days. If I do go out and do something then it is here, in the Muggle world."
Not much rattled Severus Snape anymore, but seeing Lily so forlornly tracing patterns on the table was beginning to upset him. This was not the same vibrant girl he knew. Before he could talk himself out of it, he placed his hand on top of hers.
"Are you okay, Lily?" He couldn't help the concern and gentleness that he conveyed with that question. This was Lily and he wanted her to be happy and carefree, not sad and burdened. Her eyes immediately glistened with tears at his question and the caring in his voice. She struggled to maintain her composure. She turned her face from him and placed a shaky hand over her mouth. She took a few deep breaths and seemed to win the war with her emotions. When she looked back at him, there was the same determination as before on her face.
"Severus." She began, meeting his eyes with her steely gaze. Looking into her eyes at that moment he knew that whatever she was about to say was going to rock him to the core. This conversation was about to turn in a serious direction that he couldn't have foreseen.
"I think about you all of the time. Do you know how much I miss you?" He reared back like he had been slapped. He took his hand off of hers and ran it through his hair. It was a sure sign of his discomfort. He was usually very good at hiding his emotions, but this was so unexpected. He could never have prepared for this.
She continued, "I love James, I really do. But, sometimes I think about you and how different things could have been." Tears were streaming down her face now. "We could have left! We would be off somewhere and not involved in this awful war. Why did we let this war come between us?" She looked desperate. And he knew. He knew that she meant what she was saying- she did miss him. But he was certain that if she had left with him, if they had run off together, she would have regretted it. She would have constantly worried about her family and friends that she left behind. Her desperation was coming from not feeling free, from feeling like she was shut in a cage and there was no way out for her, from not getting the chance to live her life and chase her dreams. Her judgment was clouded by her current circumstances.
"Lily…" He began only to be cut off by her.
"We still could, Severus. We could leave. Couldn't we? Do you think of me? Do you miss me?" Her hands were gripping each other so hard that her knuckles were white and he knew it was costing her dearly to put this offer out there. He thought again of all the things he had done, of the darkness that dwelt inside of him. If she were to ever find out about the things he had participated in and even enjoyed sometimes, she would hate him. Their worlds were too different. She was light and goodness. He was darkness and evil. They could never be anything to each other. He made sure of that a long time ago when he chose the path to the Dark Lord. There was no way to bridge the gap between them. She did not know him anymore, all she knew was the boy that he had once been, the boy that he stopped being many years ago. She had memories that made her smile and memories of their happy summers, but he had changed too much for her. In the end she would be disappointed that he was not the same. He leaned back in his chair and placed his hand over his eyes, trying to still his racing mind and find the right words to say to her.
"Say something, Sev. Please, say something." She pleaded.
He thought back to the last time he saw her and James together. She and James were walking around the lake at Hogwarts. James had his arm around her waist and her face was turned up to him and laughing at something he said. He hated James Potter almost the instant that he set eyes on him. James was everything that he was not and when he and Lily started dating, it was a dagger to his heart, because then not only was he everything that Severus wasn't, but he had everything Severus ever wanted. He had many reasons to hate James Potter, and he did hate him, but he also knew that James loved Lily. He loved her and would do anything for her. He had seen it that day. The day that they were by the lake- saw that she and James belonged together. He saw that James belonged in the light and the sunshine and he, Severus, belonged in the dark and the shadows.
He opened his eyes and looked into her beautiful eyes, her eyes that were sad and full of tears. It seemed so wrong to see those eyes that he loved so much so forlorn and without hope. She should be happy and joyful. He would never be able to give that to her, but James could. Things looked bleak to her right now because of her circumstances, but if he allowed her into his world it would change her. She would be miserable and he would have to watch the light in her that he loved so much, slowly leave her.
"It doesn't matter, Lily." He replied.
Her shoulders slumped and she looked like she carried the world at that moment. He continued before his emotions got the better of him.
"I cannot be what you want. We both have made our choices and now we have to live with them. I need you to go and live your life." He reached for her hand and pried her fingers apart. He intertwined them with his own. He could feel his eyes starting to prick and he knew that he had to leave before he could no longer hold back his own tears. He was willingly giving away the one thing he ever wanted- the one thing that he had ever needed, because she didn't need him. One day she would realize it- realize how much of a mistake she almost made.
"Be happy. I need to know that you are out in the world, happy and loved."
He stood up and reluctantly let go of her hand. He took one last long look at her face, trying to memorize all the new things about her and recommit to memory the way her lips looked and the way her hair brushed her face. She was visibly shaking from holding back her sobs and he hated himself even more for hurting her. But, he had to make the right choice for her; he had to think clearly for her. She would not regret letting him go, she would be loved and happy with James. She would be surrounded by laughter and light. That is all he could ever want for her.
He walked out of the door and back onto the busy London street. He pulled his scarf tighter around his neck to ward off the chill of the autumn air. As he walked aimlessly around London, he knew that autumn would no longer be one of the few things he enjoyed.