His face was full of confusion as his flat door opened. His door opened after minutes of my persistent knocking, my knocking that had made my knuckles red. Red like the wine I could still taste in my mouth, the only taste I ever seemed to sense.
He was confused, I could tell by the way his eyes had narrowed and he was stood up straighter than normal. I didn't want to imagine the thoughts going through his mind – I knew he hated me, well he told me he didn't, he'd told me he hated what I'd done, not me. But he didn't look at me the same way anymore, there wasn't any sparkle in his eye.
I guess he was confused as to why I was at his flat, as to why I was knocking on his door in the late evening. We hadn't spoken for two weeks, two weeks exactly; we hadn't spoken since he'd found out everything, everything that I'd been hiding from him for months. Nick had ended things and I didn't blame him, I told him I understood and then he left my flat, our flat.
"Carla," His voice was tired and my name exited his mouth as a sigh; before my name sounds so precious in his voice, so right.
"Can we talk?" I asked, I wanted to talk to him, I needed to talk to him. I had so much to say, so many words floated in my head, so many words that I wanted Nick to hear.
"It's late and I'm tired," Nick told me and when I looked at him closely he did look tired. Dark rims circled his eyes and, after the shock of seeing me, he had stood slouched, leaning upon the door frame.
"Just five minutes," Nick soon noticed I wouldn't give up, he sighed and stood aside. His flat was tidy, as always, but I noticed the excessive wine bottles on the kitchen counter.
"I miss you," I told him, I just came out with it, I didn't dance around it. I missed Nick, I missed him more than I thought was possible. I missed him so much it hurt, my chest felt tight and I was tired and I was lonely.
He looked to the floor before looking back up at me again, with his eyes, his eyes that once gave me so much warmth. His hand was rested on the kitchen counter and I stood ten paces away from him.
"Carla, we've spoke about this," Nick said, there was emotion in his voice, so many of them mixed together, "We're done."
"I miss you and if you told me you missed me too, well, do you think we could start again? Me and you, we work," I looked at him as I spoke, not once looking away. As I spoke the emotion built up, the emotions I'd felt for the months since I slept with someone else and the new emotions that had formed since Nick found out. They made me feel heavy and weighed me down as I walked, as I spoke, as I worked and they didn't let me sleep because they controlled me.
Nick didn't reply to my comment but his eyes met mine for the first time in two weeks, they still gave me safety, his eyes were my favourite thing.
"If you said you missed me too we could relearn each other's favourite things and we could relearn each other's names and hopes and dreams. You could get bored of me talking about shoes and I could get bored of you talking about waiters all over again. I could get mad at you for protecting me, for caring about me and you could get mad at me again for not letting anyone care for me. We could do it all again."
I stood bare, my face free of make-up, my comfy bottoms and jumper keeping me warm on the cold night. I stood bare as I told Nick all these things, as I told Nick that we could make it work. I was completely bare, I was letting him see every part of me, every emotion I was feeling. And as the tears built up in my eyes I didn't care because it was Nick. It was Nick.
"Carla, we couldn't," Nick whispered, it was almost as if he didn't want to admit it, neither of us wanted to admit it, "You slept with someone else and I can't, I just can't."
"I'm not saying it would work, I'm not saying we would work again. Not straight away," My voice was needy, it was hoarse and my tears were threatening to spill.
"It can't work Carla, we won't work anymore it's not logical," Why was he always so logical? But I loved that about him, but I hated that about him.
"But logic doesn't mean that I don't miss you," A single tear raced down my cheek and I didn't bother to wipe it away, "I don't care what logic has to say Nick, I really don't."
Yet again Nick didn't reply, it was as if he didn't have the words; his gaze was still placed upon me as I spoke, his gaze never left me.
"Tell me you miss me and I swear I'll come running, we could start again, if we tried really hard it could work. We could work," My speaking pace quickened as the tears fell faster and I felt more exposed than ever as I practically begged. I begged because I couldn't see a future without Nick in it. I needed him, I needed his warmth and his care and his smile and his hold and everything that made Nick, Nick.
"Tell me you miss me and we could fall all over again."