His mother was on the floor, lying crumpled, staring straight at the wall, motionlessly.
Jim was on his knees in front of her, crying.
"Please don't.." Jim whispered, his voice shaking, filled with fear. He watched for signs of movement.
A few moments passed and there was no movement from his mother.
"I love you!" his voice cracked, as he didn't want to believe his mother was dead.
...
Jim's eyes burst open, he couldn't breathe. There were people all around him, talking, worried, but he was sitting, not lying.
"Jim?" a quiet but familiar voice called to him. A hand on his shoulder. He flinched away, darting out the chair and collapsing on his own feet, scrambling across the ground and gasping for air.
"Get doctor McCoy" he heard the familiar voice say.
In a split second of curiosity, Jim looked up to see who the voice was. He recognised it to be Spock.
And he happened to be approaching him.
Jim continued to scramble until he was against the railings, his skin digging into the metal. Spock approached him slowly as if he were a scared dog. Then, he straightened up again.
"Captain," his tone was more authoritative now. "I will initiate a mind-meld to ease your mental instability"
Jim continued to suck in more air, as if the oxygen supply in the room was limited.
A hissing noise from behind Spock.
His eyes darted from Spock approaching him to the turbolift, which was now opening.
Spock knelt down beside him, as McCoy came striding over. Jim became rigid.
"What happened?" McCoy asked, rather monotonous.
"The Captain began becoming oblivious to questions from other crew members for approximately seven point nine seconds, before I turned and saw him perspiring profoundly. When I addressed him, he did not appear aware of my presence, and was only mumbling and shaking. Eventually, Jim took in a large amount of oxygen, begun panicking, stood up and collapsed. He appears fearful but I am not sure why."
McCoy blinked at Spock's very in depth observation, but nodded in acknowledgement.
…
"Bones, I don't wanna be seen in here" Jim said solemnly.
McCoy was thinking of a sarcastic remark when the look on Jim's face betrayed him.
"Please"
McCoy sighed in defeat. Jim clearly wasn't in the mood for his usual sardonic remarks.
"Ah, alright. We'll use the private room. Only supposed to be used for those disturbing other patients and I'm not just talking about those with a huge gob," then he paused. "Like you."
Jim let a smirk form on his lips. "I'll be talking so much that you'll have no choice but to put me in there then."
McCoy rolled his eyes, pressing into the buttons on the side of the private room door, which then swished open seconds later. They stepped in, the room blissfully quiet.
"Take a seat, you'll be here for a while" McCoy strode to the far right of the room and navigated through medicines.
Jim sat down on the only bed in the room, not wanting to lay back, afraid that it'll trigger the memory he just experienced. He took in the contents of the room, the only thing slightly startling him was the tray of hypospray's sitting comfortably next to him. No doubt McCoy wanted to stab him with them.
…
Bones swore at his PADD. It produced nothing useful, other than Jim's name. He made a mental note to get a new one.
"This thing's completely broken, probably wouldn't even pick up the heart rate of a man with 12 hearts!" he flung it to the side. "At least I think it is..."
He shrugged it off and looked back up to Jim, catching him eying the hypospray's next to him, meaning he has probably not paid any attention to anything he's said since they stepped foot in the room.
"Don't worry your pretty head about that. I'm not using those," he reassured Jim, placing a sturdy hand on his shoulder.
"Now I need ya to lie back, the biobed in here won't pick anything up unless your whole body is on it."
Jim smiled. "Is everything in this room broken or what?"
"Shuddup," McCoy scowled, pressing him back, but was met with resistance.
"Dammit Jim, just lie back, it's not hard!" he brought out another hand to aid him but McCoy himself was shoved to the side before he got the chance.
He glanced up at the man, making a diagnosis based on his movements and facial expressions unconsciously.
Tightened grip onto the handle bars.
Increased respiratory efforts.
Eyes slightly widened in alarm.
Line of sweat forming across skin.
Panic attack.
"Hey hey hey. Easy now," Bones slowly approached him. "No need to lie back anymore, but I gotta get a look at that heartrate of yours at some point, so I'm just gonna-"
"Get it out my head."
"Jim?" McCoy swiped a stethoscope behind his back.
"Bones. Please. Get it out,"
McCoy sighed internally. Get what out? Was he delusional? A new wave of possible conditions sifted through his mind.
"Jim, tell me what's going on in that head of yours" McCoy said softly, walking to the side of the man who, apparently, didn't see him, as he stared off into the distance.
"It's not..real..Bones, it's not.. real.." Jim whispered, looking deep in thought.
McCoy slowly brought his hand around his waist and up to his ears, gripping the stethoscope firmly and cautiously pushing the earbuds in, as if any sudden movement would alarm the younger man.
"What are you seeing, Jim? Is it a memory?" Slowly, Bones leaned over and tugged up the back of Jim's shirt; firmly pressing the cold end of the stethoscope against his back. If Jim was going to say anything, Bones wouldn't be able to listen to him right now.
There was a very fast heartbeat, not surprisingly. His lungs seemed fine, although it was noted his respiratory efforts were increased due to panic. Nothing a strong sedative couldn't fix. Temporarily.
Softly sighing, he pulled the buds from the stethoscope out and placed them onto the tray next to Jim, swiftly picking up a hypo while doing so.
"It felt so real, even though it- oh god, there's buzzing, this high pitched noise in my- Bones there's a noise in my ears and-"
Jim fell back flat onto the biobed after the sneaky hypo entered his bloodstream.
The biobed finally came to life, providing relief to the doctor from Jim's slowing heart rate.
Bones smirked in satisfaction, although his stomach was still laced with worry.
….
Jim's eyelids were extremely heavy. And by heavy, meaning table leg shoved into your eyelid heavy. That included the pain.
"You with me?" a voice sounded like it was from 3 lightyears away. Jim grunted in response. Then he noticed his throat hurt.
Not his throat; his neck.
"M'neck has a mill' needles in it" Jim slurred, tired.
When there was no answer, Jim's eyes shot open. McCoy was in sight, and he had his arms crossed.
"No Jim, there are no needles sticking out your neck" McCoy reassured him sarcastically. "I have given you seven shots of sedatives though"
Jim's eyes narrowed in judgement, but soon discovered he was too tired to care.
He exhaled wearily.
"'Kay"
Bones chuckled.
"Okay? Boy, you must be feeling ill."
Jim only grunted again, closing his eyes to sleep. Bones sighed in exasperation.
"Okay," he started pacing around his bed. "When did this start, Jim?"
The Captain swallowed hard. Why couldn't Bones just let him sleep? There was no reason to tell him it's been a week.
"M'just today.."
Bones glanced between Jim and the bed monitors and pursed his lips.
"Your heart rate has shot up, I know you're lying"
Jim ignored him and tried to fall back to sleep, if it was at all possible with his friend yelling in his ear.
For a few seconds, silence.
Then more silence.
Jim was about to turn over to get comfy before a hand grasped his shoulder. Jim became rigid under his touch.
"I can't help you if you don't tell me the truth"
Jeez! If it made the man go away... Jim gave in.
"Yeah... nightmares. For a week.. M'so tired, Bones. Please let me sleep" Jim groaned pitifully. He waited for a lecture about not telling him sooner, but a pat on the back let him know that Bones was going to save that lecture for later.
"You sleep, Jim," a stab in the neck with a hypo made Jim wince. "We'll talk later."
Jim exhaled in relief as the darkness swallowed him, and he knew no more.
….
Uhura stood alone at her station. Jim wondered where the rest of the crew were. Likely in the mess hall.
"Captain," she acknowledged with a brief smile. Jim smiled back.
"Scotty handed me a bottle of Scotch, told me it'd get me through my shift on my own"
Jim smirked. Uhura drinking Scotch. Huh.
"But I won't have it. I won't. Will I, James T?" Uhura's face looked mortified. Her lips weren't moving. But he could hear her voice.
"I won't, will I?" the voice repeated.
"I won't, won't will I?"
Uhura's face distorted so much that she was unrecognisable.
"I won't, will I?"
Her face melted down her body, and all of a sudden the body of Uhura jumped in front of Jim.
He screamed and scrunched his eyes shut. He thought he could smell burning. The burning of her melting flesh. He screamed and screamed to block out every thought he had, as if it would bring him away. His throat burned in pain, but he didn't care. The noise he made blocked out the horrid sounds and thoughts.
"Jim! Jim calm down man!" a voice penetrated his screaming. Jim shut up to see who it was, but dare not open his eyes.
"You were dreaming, you're in my medbay, kid."
Jim's breaths came in audible gasps. But he managed to think. My medbay? Who did he know that owned a medbay?
"Bones?" a gravelly voice croaked out, his throat hoarse from screaming. It burnt. And hurt.
"Yeah. I'm here." he felt something twiddling with his arm. Or rather, inside his arm.
A soft voice echoed on top of him.
"I'm gonna give you a mild sedative."
Then a burning feeling seeped through his wrist and up his arm. Jim's heart rocketed into his throat.
"Oh god, I don't want to be like her!" he yelled in desperation, kicking his legs. "Bones!"
"Calm down!" a hand fell onto his forehead. It brought him closer to reality. "I just gave you a sedative, that's all I did."
Jim groaned, regretting it as it hurt his throat more.
"What'dya mean when you said 'be like her'?" Bones' voice was gentle, a strange occurrence for the usually irritated man. It was as if he was being treated like a child.
Jim breathed out, trying to regain his senses.
"Open your eyes at least!"
There we go. There's the annoyed tone he was missing.
"M'kay" Jim's eyes slipped open, wincing at the bright fluorescent lights of sickbay. He could see Bones observing him from the bottom corner of his bed.
"Now, you gonna tell me what in the hell you were jus' talking about?" his features softened again.
Jim shifted himself onto his side.
"Another nightmare.." his voice was so quiet, McCoy had to strain his ears to hear him.
"Another one, huh? What about?"
McCoy watched as his friend's heart rate began climbing. He imagined that Jim was getting himself into a state thinking about it.
"Just.. Uhura, she was at her post, she said creepy shit and started..." Jim felt embarrassed by how stupid he was about to sound, "..melting.."
He looked up at McCoy's face to confirm that he thought he was being ridiculous, but there was only concentration and concern etched onto his face.
Finally, he said;
"I'm gonna look into finding you a therapist, before this gets out of hand." his attention turned immediately to his PADD, tapping away while Jim was left gaping in shock.
"I don't need a therapist! I'm fine Bones!"
Bones looked up from his PADD to glare at Jim.
"Like hell you are!"
He softened immediately after.
"I want to help you, Jim. I want you to help yourself."
Jim closed his eyes, suddenly feeling the overwhelming desire to sleep.
"And I can't do that if you're just..."
The rest of Bones' dialogue was lost, as Jim fell asleep.
…
When Jim awoke, he overheard voices talking next to him.
Tiredly, he attempted to keep breathing as slowly as he was when he first woke, hoping the monitors would give the impression that he's still asleep. Then, he listened intently.
"...Gotta find...to help him...'matter what.." The words were disjointed and confusing. Jim couldn't understand what they meant.
"..Understand...concern...McCoy...'though remember...Captain...not your call."
McCoy. He was talking to someone about him. Why?
"Hold on, he's coming around," Before Jim had a chance to kick himself for not slowing down his breathing, an eyelid was pulled back, revealing nothing but blue and white blurs mixed into one.
"How you feelin'?"
Jim scoffed. "I'm the pinnacle of health Bones. Let me go back to duty," he sat up, and was met with a wave of dizziness. And blurs.
McCoy shook his head discreetly, pushing his friend back onto the bed.
"You're not leaving until I know you've got some help." his scowl was embedded deep into his facial features.
Eventually he noticed another man standing next to him. It had the shape of a man but it was a weird grey blur.
"Who'sat?"
McCoy raised an eyebrow at his informality.
"That's Pike, Jim. Admiral Pike?"
Oh.
Jim tried to focus on him, but his eyes failed him. He squinted.
"You're blurry," he stated, waving hands around as if in attempt to grab him. He wasn't sure how to grab a big blur.
Perhaps I should become a blur too, he thought.
Perhaps only blurs can catch other blurs.
Jim reached out to the big grey blur aimlessly.
….
McCoy ignored the held back embarrassment digging its way into his core. Jim was flailing around like a lunatic, and Pike didn't look very impressed.
"You got him on the good stuff?" The Admiral turned and asked him. Bones shrugged and glanced down to look at his PADD.
"Yeah, he's on sedatives, so he's gonna act... weird."
Without his permission, but neither of them needed to know that.
"How long is he going to behave like this?" Pike asked, glaring at Jim tugging his shirt.
"M'bout another half hour or so,"
Pike rubbed the back of his neck and strode closer to Jim.
"What did you put him on?" Pike asked curiously, dragging a seat up next to Jim. "If you're allowed to say," he added quickly.
Bones grinned.
"He's on sertraline. It's an antidepressant and should help with the panicking" he placed his PADD aside, "He still needs a therapist though."
Pike nodded his understanding. Jim was still tugging at his uniform and muttering "grey".
"Antidepressants shouldn't make people this happy though?" he asked, a nudge of concern. "Or… weird?"
McCoy too pulled up a chair next to him.
"No, it shouldn't," McCoy admitted, "But Jim's body reacts a lot differently to 'normal people'. This is the safest medication for him." McCoy placed the back of his hand against Jim's forehead, as the younger man followed his arm. "I have to watch him closely."
"You're telling me he's just gonna act like this every time he takes it? He can't run a starship like this, McCoy."
Something died inside McCoy.
"Don't you go threatening his career in Starfleet now. I'm gonna be adjusting the dosage until he's both calm and fit for work, maybe even change the medication," McCoy's eyes burned into Pike's skull like no other. "And I won't let him go until he's fit for duty."
Pike nodded once again.
"Thanks for bringing all of this to my attention, Doctor McCoy. I will arrange therapist sessions for.. Jim. I assume you can update his file."
McCoy hummed in concentration, but a thought hit him. "Hold on, didn't you just tell me that I can't force Jim into therapy because he's the Captain?"
Pike folded his arms.
"And I happen to be the Admiral. I'm going to look into it" he said blatantly, "And you're the CMO, don't forget that."
McCoy squinted in suspicion. If the CMO rank allowed him to push Jim into getting help against his will, then why did Pike tell him he couldn't earlier?
"I thought he was messing you around again. I didn't think therapy was necessary for someone like Jim, but both you and he showed me otherwise"
Oh crap, he asked that out loud?
Pike stood up to leave. He approached the door before turning around.
"And McCoy?"
Bones turned to face him.
"Uh huh?"
"Do tell me when he's ready to work."
McCoy smirked and turned his attention back to Jim.
"Will do."