Tired
James Potter is tired.
He is tired of the sun shining so painfully into his eyes in the morning. Tired of all the noise at breakfast. Tired of Hogwarts and its endless repetition. But at this moment James Potter is most tired of Slytherins and their smug sneers.
Regulus Black has been glancing at the Gryffindor table all morning, nudging friends and smirking. There is a mugglebornfirst year sitting two seats down from James that thinks those glances are directed at her. James knows for a fact they are not. No, today those glances and sneers are directed at him, and he is tired of it. But what James Potter is most tired of at this moment is those bloody muggleborn assuming that they are the sole receivers of the worst of the wizarding world. He mentions this to Sirius. The bitter snort of laughter beside him tells him Sirius agrees. The sharp gasp behind him tells James that Lily Evans does not.
"Excuse me?" comes the angry question, and James sighs. For once he had not realised that Lily is standing behind him.
"Believe it or not, Evans," there are strange looks from most surrounding them. James has not turned to look at the girl that everyone in the school knows he fancies, and they have been on first name basis since the development of a rather chaotic friendship at the start of their seventh year. "I wasn't talking to you. I don't see how this conversation is any of your business."
That attracts the attention of everyone in the room, although some try to hide it. Most do not bother. The arguments of the James Potter and Lily Evans have long been a source of entertainment for the school, although this exchange seems to have a darker edge to it. James' satisfied smirk is missing, and the subject matter does not seem appropriate for their usual arguments that are smothered in sexual tension that all can see.
"How was that not directed at me, Potter?"
"You're not the only muggleborn at this school. The world does not revolve around you, Evans, although you may think differently," That is somewhat unfair, James knows, as he has spent years telling her that she is the centre of his, but he is tired of Lily and her hypocrisy - she is just as arrogant as he - and he is tired of waiting for her to realise he has changed, "and what I said was true, anyway. I am tired of you muggleborn acting as though what Voldemort is doing only effects the muggleborn. Hell, you don't even get the worst of it."
James has turned around to face Lily now, and normally he would appreciate the red flush spreading across her cheeks and the furious glint in her vivid green eyes. But today James is tired. He doesn't care.
"We're the ones Voldemort aims at. We're the targets. It's the muggleborn and our families getting killed, Potter."
"Then tell me why you're parents are still waiting for you to come home when mine are-"
The already quiet hall falls silent at that shout. Deathly silent. James takes a moment to appreciate the irony while Lily looks at him with guilt in her eyes. Sirius Black has the same look on his face, and at that moment James realises he is tired of Sirius and his inability to let go of his connection to the Black family.
"You know what, Lily?" James asks with a softer voice, but that does not stop the rest of the population of Hogwarts hearing what he says next as easily as they heard his almost revelation that his parents are dead. "I'm tired of this. I'm tired of you. Think what you like, I don't care anymore."
James stands abruptly and leaves the hall with quiet dignity, the lack of drama seeming an unfitting exit after the angry exchange with the girl he has spent years pursuing and his calm dismissal of her.
Peter Pettigrew makes as if to follow him but does not. And at the moment James is tired of Peter too. The way he is convinced he is the least of the Marauders, least powerful, least intelligent, least attractive, least wanted. James knows better. He was able to become an animagus, and that takes both intelligence and power, no matter how much help you get from others. And it is Peter's lack of power and his inability to think on his feet that stop James and Sirius attempting their most ridiculously dangerous ideas. Peter's loyalty and willingness to follow them anywhere will make them think twice about trying to get into something they may not be able to get out of more than Remus' capable disapproval ever would. James has always thought of Peter as the safety net of the Marauders, the one person that is able to keep them from tumbling into real danger. But the rest of Hogwarts sees Peter as the least of the Marauders, there simply to murture their egos, and James is tired of having the responsibility of convincing Peter that he is not.
Responsibility is another thing James is tired of, he realises as he enters his dorm. Something he has always been tired of, actually. Ever since those ridiculous parties his parents had held, when guests would look at him and pat him on the head and say: 'A young Potter, eh? I guess we can expect great things from this one'. That is part of the reason James threw himself into mindless pranks those first years at Hogwarts. Nobody expects great things of prankster, a bully, or an arrogant toe-rag, as Lily has titled him. James Potter tries to escape responsibility, but the Head Boy badge he has just thrown across the room reminds him of how well that is going.
James Potter is fighting so many battles, and he is tired of it. It seems that fighting so quickly turns to losing. His parents showed him that.
The door of the dorm opens and someone walks in. James does not see who. He is lying on his bed with pillow covering his face, blocking out the world, or fighting to anyway. But as James feels someone sit on his bed he realises that fight to keep his grief under control is not the only battle he will lose today. And he is so very tired of losing.
"Prongs, I'm sorry."
Sirius then. Another person James is tired of. Sirius and his constant guilt over his families actions. Sometimes he wants to smash Sirius's head against a wall until he listens when James tells him that he is better than the rest of his family. But today James is tired of trying to convince Sirius that having him around makes having the rest of his miserable family around worth it. He has been telling Sirius that he is better than the rest of his family, that he is not responsible for them, that he is the only one that still thinks of himself as a Black for years. Certainly his family stopped seeing him as a Black long before they threw him out. But today James is tired of losing. It is easier not to fight any more.
"I know you think I'm wallowing in guilt, and I guess I am. You see, if it's my fault your parents are dead, I can stop others from getting killed. But I know I can't. I know I have no control over what my family does."
A hand reaches out to hold James' timidly. Even boys as close as the Marauders do not hold hands confidently.
"Being born into my bloody stupid family was worth it, 'cause if I hadn't been I might never have met you. And being your friend is worth anything. You make me believe that I'm more than just another Black, that I can be better. And I always remember that, even when it seems like I don't."
Sirius gives James' hand an awkward squeeze before releasing it and leaving the room. James follows a minute after, heading for the lake, where he expects the Marauders to be on such a sunny day.
They are at the lake, and so is Lily. She is practicing Transfiguration, attempting to change rocks into frogs. Remus, who would usually be helping, is reading, and turning her mistakes back into rocks before the half rock half frog things can escape. It seems that even Remus, who would normally take Lily's side against James and Sirius, thinks that Lily was a fault during breakfast. Lily is waving her wand more and more erratically with each attempt, and tears of frustration are gathering in her eyes.
James ignores the stares he is getting from the Marauders, and any other students who are outside, and sits down next to Lily.
"Like this," he says, gently moving her hand through the correct motion for the spell she has been bungling. Her next attempt is successful.
"You should have asked Peter for help if Remus was being a wanker," he tells her, loud enough for the rest of the Marauders to hear, "He's as good at Transfiguration as the rest of us. And he's nicer."
That earns him an outraged look from Remus, and a grateful one from Peter. Lily's face holds a confused combination of guilt and gratitude, and maybe just a hint of something more than just friendship. Sirius just looks on in smug amusement. He thinks he's the one that brought James out of the depression he has been in since he received news of his parents death. And so he should.
James Potter is tired. Tired of waiting, tired of fighting, tired of hurting.
But at this moment, surrounded by the four people he loves more than life itself, James Potter realises he is not as tired as he thought.