Written for Tales From the Multiverse's NOTP prompt

Always Be

I'm sitting in my chamber, thinking. Emmara said she was coming by today, I'm looking forward to seeing her. I owe Emmara quite a lot, as she helped me heal after Liliana and during the events with the maze. It hurt me greatly to have to wipe Emmara's memory after she found out that I was a planeswalker. I hate that I'm not able to be myself with her, I'll never be able to be who I truly am with her. I never truly have, I guess. I was Berrim before I was Jace, and while it was necessary, I wish that it were not so.

The only person that I could truly be myself around was Kallist. He never changed. I was myself around Liliana for the most part, because she understood what life was like as planeswalker. I push the necromancer out of my mind, because as much as it hurts, that ship has long since sailed.

There is a sharp knock at the door, and I open it to see my friend on my front steps. I smile and let her in.

"I brought sandwiches."

"Better than Vedalken takeout."

"Everything is."

"True enough"

"How have you been? I haven't seen you in what seems like forever."

"Okay, I guess. This plane can't hold itself together, after all. I have no choice but to be okay. The people of Ravnica come before my mental state."

"Maybe you should be part of the Selesnya, Jace.. Anyways, you're smart. That's why they gave you the position, that's why you're the leader, the living guildpact."

"It's just a hoity-toity title."

"It's a contract, Jace." Emmara's voice is severe and biting, very uncharacteristic of her. This is why she's the perfect example of a Selesnyan champion. She's selfless.

"I know, and I think that's why I hate it. I miss being free."

I was going to say that I miss walking the multiverse, but I remember that Emmara can't know the truth about me. She can't know I'm a planeswalker, lest I have to wipe her memory again.

"Do you truly want to feel free, Jace?"

"I want to feel anything at this point. I'm tired of having to live in my head, live with my own thoughts. My thoughts are not safe. They are not a good place to be."

"I could help you."

I'm dead sure she's going to suggest some sort of witch-doctor Selesnya healing strategy to make my mind calm, but I have a potion for that. It's called scotch.

"How are you going to help me, Emmara?"

She kisses me. It startles me at first, but I respond in kind. Because I want to feel something, anything at this point. I care for her, I always have. I can look over the fact that I will never be able to be myself. I don't have to be myself, I can steal thoughts and steal faces, minds and souls.

Dishonesty doesn't bother me, it never really has. Hiding doesn't bother me either, in fact, I think it's one of the things I'm best at. Hiding from love, from responsibilities, from consequences.

Emmara symbolizes Ravnica, everything solid, everything that society would think I need. I could build a life with Emmara Tandris. She's beautiful, she's smart. Her small hands slip under my shirt, and I can't bring myself to stop her. My mind and my body are hungry for the comfort of flesh and for the touch of another.

She symbolizes solidarity, unflinching selflessness, and what I'm supposed to desire. I grip the small of her back, slightly tracing her spine. She moans into my mouth, just slightly. I pull her body closer. I want to let my body talk, let my desire for the comfort and touch of another show through.

She is the easiest choice. But is she the right choice? Is she what I truly want? No. She isn't And she never could be, really.

I pull back, she looks quietly offended.

"Emmara, I can't do this."

"Why, Jace? Your body says otherwise." She makes to come back in, but I push her back, just slightly.

"Because it's not fair to you. I can't give you the love you deserve or need."

"How, Jace? Why? I thought this is what you wanted? You've been sending all types of signals that THIS is what you want!" Emmara's voice is indignant and hurt. I don't want to hurt her. She's my friend. But because she is my friend, I cannot allow this to go on. At least not now.

"What on earth has caused you to act this way?" Her voice shakes with anger and hurt.

"Because, Emmara. It's her. It's always been her and it always will be her. I can't change that. And I would rather give you none of my heart than a partial piece."

"Why who on Ravnica could it be, Jace?"

"It's Lili. It's always been Lili. Ever since that day in the tavern, I've been hers."

"The necromancer, Jace?! You know she's nothing you need, she's trouble. You need someone like me, someone who cares for Ravnica, and not just her own selfish ends!"

"You are what everyone thinks I need, Emmara. Even myself. But that doesn't change anything."

I put my head in my hands. I should have stopped this before it even started.

"It doesn't make me want you. It doesn't make me yours. You are truly one of the best friends I have ever had, but that doesn't change the fact that she's it for me. I'm not going to lead you on, Emmara. I don't want to hurt you. I'm saying this before it can go any further because you are my friend."

"She will never ever come back for you, Jace. You're spitting in the face of one of your biggest opportunities."

"That's just it, Emmara! I don't care if she comes back for me! I'm sorry, I really, really am. But that is why I want to be free. I never wanted to hurt you, honestly. It's just that..that.. it'll always be her.."