A/N: It's been a while, eh people? Sorry to dissapoint, but this isn't a new chapter of any of my long abandoned/on hiatus stories. But it is something almost as good: a new one. This is a Marvel Univers/Naruto Crossover, featuring copious amounts of Deadpool. I hope you all enjoy.

NOTE: If you don't know who any of the characters are, I'll be posting an appendix later. If you don't want to wait that long, there's a nice Marvel Wiki (or if the character in question is Naruto, he's on wikipedia). It'll teach you quite nicely.

*Click* "And that was your five day foreca--"

*Click* "That was John Oliver, reporting from Tibet. Thanks J-'

*Click* "Dee-Dee! YOU STUPID GI-"

*Click*" What's the deal with people asking if you're cold? If I was-"

*Click* "Nobody puts Baby in the corner."

With a groan, Wade Wilson put down his remote. He looked around, his eyes finally settling on the phone. "Hm.. strange. Someone usually calls me after five changing the channel five times. Maybe it'll just take one more..." Wade picked the remote back up and pointed it.

*Click*"And now, the number one pick of our viewers, and the sexiest woman alive is-"

"BEA ARTHUR!" Wade screamed. "Sure, I know she's dead now, but her looks transcend things like that!"

"Jessica Alba!" The TV finished.

"SON OF A BITCH!" the mercenary screamed at the top of his lungs. There was a banging on the floor right below him.

"Shut the fuck up, Wilson!" his neighbor yelled. "Some people have work in the morning, and don't spend all night watching TV! You do know what work is, right?! It's what good, honest-" Without taking his eyes off the TV, Wade reached over to the table next to his couch and grabbed one of his many trusty pistols. A shot later and his neighbor's insults were transformed into yelps of pain.

"Shut up!" he yelled back to his bleeding neighbor. "Some people have to watch TV right now, and don't spend all night sleeping! Oh, and next time, I won't hit your foot!"

With the yelps subsiding, Wade leaned back into his couch. "This really is a nice couch." he said to himself. The slightly unstable mercenary cocked his head to the side, listening to one of the voices that only he could hear. "Yes, our last chair was awesome, but it's not my fault we had to detonate it. Those Zombie Supermodels had it coming!" He thought that sentence over for a moment. "Wow, that sounded weird, even for me."

He looked back over at his phone. "Come on! Ring!" Wade yelled. "I'll take anything! I'll do dishes, I'll go to France, anything! Come on! I'm bored!" No sooner had he uttered those words then a giant explosion went off outside his window.

Wade shrugged. "Beggars can't be choosers!"He jumped up, ready to spring into action. Guns in hand he ran towards the door. But he came to a stop with a stereotypical screeching sound as he ran past a mirror. "Aw, Damn!" he yelled as he looked at his deformed face. "I knew I forgot something!" Wade did a complete 180, running for the chest right in front of his bed.

"Time to get wet!" he proclaimed. But he paused again. "Wow, that sounded really, really gay. I guess that's what happens when I get a crappy writer." He shrugged and reached into the chest, producing one of the many black and red masks he had. Moments later, the transformation was complete. Where Wade Wilson, horribly deformed man, had stood, now there was Wade Wilson, horribly deformed man in spandex!

"It's DEADPOOL, MOTHERFUCKER! DEADPOOL!" Wade, no, Deadpool now, palmed his forehead. "I'm sorry I called you a crappy writer! So, please?" Without any further pause, he jumped out the window, racing towards where he'd heard the explosion.

...Only to find Spiderman standing over the body of a prone Electro. "So, Sparky," Spiderman started. "What's your angle? And who're you working with?!"

"Can I help?" Deadpool asked as he came up behind the webbed wonder. "I'm good at interrogating!" He drew a pistol and shot Electro in the foot! "Who're you working with!" he screamed.

Spiderman groaned. "You're supposed to ask him a question, then hurt him!"

"Ahhh. Who're you working with?!" He yelled before shooting him in the other foot.

This time, Spiderman's groan was audible from a mile away. "Let him answer first!"

"Wow. Interrogations are hard."

The look Spiderman sent Deadpool could only be described as disdainful, even from under the mask. "Why don't you let me handle this, Mercey. After all, Electro's one of my baddies. Go deal with one of your own. Like, Doctor Bong, or T-Ray or someone." Laughing at his own joke, Spiderman grabbed the screaming Electro and swung further into the city.

The people who had gathered to watch the scene began to walk away as quickly as they felt was safe as Deadpool began to growl. "He's making fun of my Rouge's Gallery?! I'll teach him to insult Doctor Bong!" He paused. "Well, the Doctor is kinda stupid. And T-Ray's pretty much a one trick pony. And all my other villains are, well, from other books. I mean, Rhino is Spideys, Apocalypse is strictly mutant specific, and I'm not gonna get started on all the people who try to take down Normie Osborn. So.... he's gotta point."

A spectator, braver then the rest, inched over towards Deadpool. "Excuse me, Mr. Deadpool sir? Who're you talking to?"

"I'm setting up the plot. Ignore it, it happens a lot." The bystander nodded and ran to join his running brethren. "I need new villains!" he yelled before pulling out his cell phone. Deadpool looked at it for a moment. "Now who to call..."

He immediately thought of a couple of people. There was Weasel, the closest thing he had to a best friend. Weasel had been through a lot with him, and was usually his go-to guy for anything involving technology. Then there was Agent X, a weird type of clone of Deadpools. It's a long story. He was bit psychopathic, but look at who he was made out of, honestly. Finally, there was the Outlaw, the closest thing he had to a girlfriend, at least for right now. Well, maybe not a girlfriend. More like a hot girl that was a friend who likes to flirt. "Weasel, I get. He's a nerd, and who knows what nerds can do. Agent X, I get. Kinda. I guess he's just for exposition. But why would I be thinking of Outlaw when I'm trying to think of who can help me think of new baddies?" An image of the last time he saw Outlaw popped into his head.

"Oh, yeah. She's got nice boobies. Heh heh." Moving on then...

Deadpool punched in a number and waited while the phone rang. A few moments later, he was greeted by a sleepy "Hello?"

"Weas, good buddy ol pal!"

There was a groggy groan of the other end of the phone. "What do you want Wade?" Deadpool filled him in on his revelation. There was a pause, then Weasel replied "New villain? Completely original? Never before seen in this world?"

"Well, I'll take rarely seen in this world. "

"That's a tough one. Gimme a day, and I'll come up with something."

"Alrighty, buddy! I'll stop by in a day!"

Exactly 24 hours later

"Weas, what do ya got for me?"

Weasel jumped what could generously be called a foot. "Holy shit Wade. Don't do that!"

"What? What'd I do?"

Weasel looked at his friend, then up at the ceiling Deadpool had strapped himself to so he could dangle Spiderman style in front of the tech-nerd. He let out a large groan. "Nothing Wade. Nothing at all."

"So, like I said, what've you got?"

Weasel sat down heavily in his chair, gesturing for his unstable friend to take the one across from it. "The supply of Super Villains is kinda low now. I'm not sure what's causing it, but they're all engaged in a minor turf war."

"How minor?" Deadpool asked as he sat down in the indicated chair.

"No deaths yet, but there's been a fair share of emergency room visits." Weasel answered before continuing. "So no villains are really available. That means you can either create some or find some from... unconventional sources."

Deadpool's gloved hand rose and began stroking his chin. "Hmm..." he muttered. "Creating them's out. It always seems to get out that you created your own nemesis, and then people just think you're stupid. I mean, seriously. Would it have killed Spidey to just like his alien goop?" He shook his head, trying to clear it. "Anyway, what'd you mean, ugly ponies?"

Weasel had been around his friend long enough that he could handle his odd thought process without flinching. "I said Unconventional Sources, not Undesirable Horses."

"That's not what I heard!"

"Do you want to know how to get a baddie or not?" Weasel asked, exasperated. Deadpool gestured at him to continue.

"Who's stopping you?"

Another groan suppressed, Weasel continued. "I mean like importing them from the UK, or going to other Dimensions or planets. Actually, the last one would be pretty cool, and it'd raise your publicity. How often do you hear that a superhero stopped an alien menace."

"Every few days."

"Oh."

"Oh indeed, my friend." Deadpool said, nodding sagely. "Oh indeed. But enough indeeds. Or outdeeds come to think of it. Other dimensions? I can dig that. But how'd I get there?"

Weasel sat forward in his chair, eyes glowing with renewed interest brought on by the question. "You mean you really want to do it? I mean, I thought you might, but I wasn't sure, aliens and the British are both really hated right now and-"

The nerd was brought up short by a revolver pointing to his face. "Weas, I don't want to shoot, but I will."

Weasel leaned back into his chair as fast as he'd leaned forward. "Just getting there Wade." Deadpool nodded and lowered the gun. Weasel let loose a sigh of relief and continued. "Anyway, other dimensions have always been a fascination of mine. You can get there by a ton of ways. There's some technological means, some magical ways, and some blind luck. Any specific way you're interested in?"

Deadpool grinned, his smile visible under his mask. "Do you really have to ask?"

"Of course not." came the resigned sounding reply. "I'll get to work on all of em."

It took another twelve hours, but the technomagical luck portal was set up. The technology of the portal had been generously donated by Nathaniel Summers, A.K.A Cable, Deadpool's best friend/Enemy. Well, maybe donated is too misleading a word. Saying that Deadpool liberated it from Cable's island home would probably be more accurate. But it was likely that Cable would have given it to them had he been there at the time. 'Well, just to make us go away.' Deadpool thought.

The magical components had been harder to liberate. After all, Doctor Strange was the only person that the pair knew of that possessed strong enough magical artifacts. But, well, he never left his home except in cases of extreme magical emergency. And since neither Weasel nor a good four sevenths of Deadpool were comfortable setting one of those up, they schemed and plotted for hours on how to make off with one of the good Doctor's devices. In the end, it had all been worthless, as Deadpool was caught before he got two steps inside the inner sanctum.

Luckily the doctor decided to hear him out rather than blasting him on sight. Deadpool managed to get to the point in his explanation where he'd be busy all the time foiling his new adversary before Doctor Strange thrust a glowing box containing magical talismans into his hands and wishing him luck.

'If I remember this later, I should be insulted.' Deadpool thought as he looked at the talismans.

And the luck? Well, nothing was luckier then rabbit's feet, and Deadpool had been able to get some fresh.

Weasel glared at him when he came in with them. "What?" Deadpool asked.

"You killed a rabbit, wait, more than one rabbit, just to get their feet!" Weasel managed to exclaim while still gritting his teeth.

"No I didn't!" Deadpool protested.

"The feet are bleeding on the floor!"

"Hey!" Deadpool yelled back. "I went in there asking, being all diplomatic with them. The little squirrel wannabes wouldn't give me the time of day, so I had to get physical. But I didn't kill anything! I've been being good about that lately!"

Weasel's mouth dropped open slowly. "You... you cut off their feet and left them alive?!"

"Yes." Deadpool said, happy his friend had gotten the point. "Just like a hero would have done in my place."

The retort Weasel had planned died on his tongue. Insane or not, Wade was sure he'd done the right thing. And people whose idea of the right thing conflicted with his, well, they tended to get shot. A lot. Best just to move on.

Between the two of them the portal was set up quickly. The actual portal piece, with all the hardware needed to activate it, was set up in the middle of the room. Doctor Strange's talismans were hung from all parts of the tech, their eerie blue glow standing out against the cold steel of the tech. And the rabbit's feet? Well, Deadpool just tossed them in the portal's general direction and let them fall where they wanted. When Weasel asked why, Wade just shrugged. "They're lucky, right? Then wherever they fall would be the luckiest place."

"That actually kinda makes sense in a weird way."

The two stood back, admiring their handiwork. Deadpool turned to his friend. "Now how do we turn it on?"

Weasel smirked and held up some goggles. "Stand back was all he said." Deadpool put on the offered headgear and stood well back from the portal. Weasel pulled out a remote from his pocket and pointed it at the setup before pressing the button.

*Click*

Nothing. Weasel pushed it again with greater force.

*CLICK*

Still nothing. Weasel turned to Deadpool and shrugged. Deadpool raised his hand in front of Weasel's face before the tech-nerd could say anyhting. "Shh." the Mercenary said. "My common sense is tinglying." He looked around for a moment, as if waiting for inspiration to strike. Apparently it did, because he turned back to Weasel. "Is it plugged in?"

Weasel paused before turning as red as Deadpool's outfit. He ran behind the setup, and there was a clicking noise as he connected the plug to the outlet. Before Deadpool could get impatient, Weasel ran back to his former position and pressed the button again.

*CLick... voom... voom... voooom.... vooom.... BOOOOOOOOOOM*

The portal exploded into light and sound, the light being sucked out of the talismans and merging with the green the portal was now exuding. The light coalesced into a figure. Deadpool gave out a cheer, even as the man fell to his knees. The man let out a primal scream as it seemed like something was ripped from him. He collapsed into a prone heap as the portal began powering down behind him.

Deadpool looked over to his friend. "Was that supposed to happen?"

Weasel walked over to the prone form. "How am I supposed to know? You make it sound like I crack dimensional barriers for kicks all the time. But I don't-" The nerd was cut off as the man sprang to his feet and grabbed Weasel around the neck in one fluid movement.

Rather than being alarmed, Deadpool whistled appreciatively. "Did you see those reflexes Weas? My new arch-nemesis has got some moves!"

In between gasps for air, Weasel managed to grunt out "Yes, Wade. I *COUGH* saw them."

The man gave Weasel a violent shake before spitting out what sounded like a question.

Deadpool cupped one hand around an ear. "Eh? Didn't catch that." The man mimicked the gesture and repeated the same words. Only they sounded heavy, as if his tongue was unfamiliar with the language. The Merc groaned loudly. "Weas, you got me a foreigner! I can't fight foreign people!"

He waited for a response before finally looking over at his friend again. "Can you let him down now?" he asked. "I need him for witty byplay, plus I don't think he's supposed to be blue." Seeing no reply coming, Deadpool grabbed one of his pistols and blasted the man's shoulder with precision accuracy.

Weasel hit the ground hard. After a few gasps to finally take in blessed oxygen he managed to get out "What's wrong with fighting foreign people? You do it all the time!" This time it was Deadpool who wasn't responding to the witty banter, and he didn't have the excuse of being choked. "What's wrong Wad-" Weasel started before noticing his friends eyes hadn't left the shoulder he'd shot. He followed Deadpool's eyes to the shoulder, which had already healed. "Oh."

Deadpool looked as if he was about to burst from joy. "Advanced healing factor? That's just awesome!" He looked up at the ceiling and said "Thank you, oh mighty author, for creating the most suitable villain ever for me!" Deadpool glanced over at Weasel, who was looking at him nonplussed. "Sorry. I let that whole fourth wall thing overwhelm me. Where was I? Oh, yeah, foreigners. I can fight foreign people all I want, as long as I'm in a foreign place. That means they're not making an effort to better themselves." He nodded sanctimoniously as he continued. "But if they're in America, the best most free nation ever on the face of this earth, well, then..."

"You want to give them a cheeseburger and teach them English?"

"Exactly! By the way, why do we speak English anyway? You'd think we'd have made our own language, like we did for hot beverages. We ditch the tea, but keep the lingo? Does that make any-" This time it was Deadpool who was cut off by a knife to his ass that made him jump two feet into the air while giving off the highest-pitch squeal he could.

He turned to face the thrower, or as he liked to call him, his new archenemy, a glare on his face. For a moment anyway. The glare vanished as abruptly as it came as Deadpool saw that the man was struggling to hold in laughter. He lost the struggle and broke down fully into hysterical laughter as he stared at the quivering blade in Deadpool's shoulder.

"Awww. This guy can't be my archenemy!" Deadpool exclaimed, gesturing at the laughing man. "Not only is he foreign, he's... like me!"

Weasel took this as an opportunity to look over the man, which he hadn't gotten a chance to do yet. Blonde. Maybe a bit shorter then Deadpool, making him a good foot taller than Weasel himself. Tan skin, blue eyes, and some weird birthmarks on his cheeks. The technerd looked over at Deadpool. Tall. Musclebound. Decked out in black and red, including a mask that covered a horribly scarred face.

"Just like you? I'm not seeing it." He said.

Deadpool waved Weasel off. "No, not like me at all in how he looks. But he's got the same healing factor, he's got a shitload of knives, and he can use em. Plus, he has the most important characteristic need to be like me."

Weasel looked between the two again. "The ability to stab someone then laugh about it?"

"Exactly!" Deadpool said before he looked the blonde up and down again. "In fact, while he might be a crappy villain, he might make a good sidekick!" Weasel blanched at that, his face turning pale as he remembered Deadpool's last try at a sidekick. Deadpool however was completely oblivious to his friend's response as he started circling the man, who had finally stopped laughing.

"We'll have to teach him English though."

With yet another groan, Weasel began rubbing his forehead as he asked "So who're you going to get to do it? I think Taskmaster might be good at it, or we can give Sandi a call. She's good with languages."

"No need! I'll do it!" Deadpool said.

"What?! Wade, That's really not a good idea!"

Deadpool paid his friend no mind as he began rumaging in one of his belt pouches. "Good thing I remembered my mix tape." He looked over at the blonde, who looked like he had relaxed and was meeting Deadpools look with a bemused one of his own. "Hey!" The merc called. "What should we play for your English-learning-montage?"

The blonde shrugged, either not knowing any music, or not understanding what the hell Deadpool had said. Weasel thought the later far more likely.

"Eye of the Tiger it is!"

As the opening strains of the song began to play, Weasel asked "How long do you think this will take?"

"Not a clue Weas! Should be done by the start of the next chapter though." With that, Deadpool turned his full attention to his new prospective sidekick. He started by pulling the knife out of his butt and holding it in front of the man.

"This is a knife. Can you say knife?"

At the same time the montage started, hundreds of miles away, Stephen Strange stared at another one of his mystical devices. The magic mirror he was consulting had been around for eon, longer the Strange himself. It was a sensor, one which monitored to various collections of dark magic in this reality. Even as the Sorcerer Supreme looked on, a small crack developed.

"This does not bode well..." Strange mused as he stroked his beard. He hadn't gotten through the first stroke though before the mirror exploded into thousands of shards. The breath caught in Strange's throat as he surveyed the ruin that had been his mirror.

"Does not bode well at all."