The Conman vs The Junkie

Part 1 The Trek

"You can't be serious." Sawyer moaned.

"Oh shut up and stop whining." Charlie snapped. "Be a man for once in your life."

"Don't question my sexual identity, chuckles!" Sawyer retorted. "At least I can tie my own shoelaces!"

"It's hard for some people!"

"Sure, sure. And I woke up this morning and married Jack."

"Don't even kid about that Sawyer." Jack warned. "I've just eaten."

Sawyer rolled his eyes. "Give me strength." He muttered. Stuck with these losers for three days. How could things get any worse?

They were discussing a long manly trek into the woods as a challenge set by Kate. It had all started when Kate claimed she was more fit than any of the lads thus provoking an uproar. She had set them a task to survive a three day trek into the woods. Sawyer had scoffed and said he could do it with his hands tied behind his back. To Jack's delight and Charlie's mirth, his wish was granted.

"Need a hand Sawyer?" Charlie grinned. It was set to be Jack, Sawyer and Charlie who were taking part in the trek.

"You'll be laughing on the other side of your face if you don't shut it small fry!" Sawyer snapped.

"What ya gonna hit me with? Your nose?"

A kick in the shins gave him the answer he required.

"Why do you two have to be so competitive?" Kate enquired. "It's normally Jack and Sawyer. Not Charlie."

"Sawyer can't accept that I'm more buff than him." Charlie replied with a grin.

"What?!" Sawyer nearly shrieked. "Don't make me laugh! A stick insect has more muscles than you!"

Jack and Kate rolled their eyes simultaneously.

"I'm gonna camp here so this will be our meeting spot." Kate explained. "The winner is basically who survives." She grinned mischievously.

"Will someone itch my nose?" Sawyer complained. "Preferably not the chuckle brothers here." He glared in Jack and Charlie's direction. Kate laughed and then went to scratch his nose.

"This should be a piece of cake for you Sawyer. You can't even itch your own nose." Charlie and Jack howled with laughter.

"As soon as I get my hands untied you're both going down." Sawyer muttered. Kate grinned.

"Off you go then boys. Good luck!" She waved them off and then smirked as she watched Sawyer fall after about 5 seconds.

"This DOESN'T COUNT!" A muffled yell could be heard. Jack and Charlie lifted him up with a snort and then they set off properly.

"Where did Kate say we were heading to?" Charlie enquired.

"Up to the top of these hills and back again." Jack explained, gesturing to the map that Sayid had lent them.

Sawyer was sulking. He hadn't got off to the best start. There HAD to be a way to beat Chucky at his own game. But how? Then his scowl turned into a sly grin. Jack was the only impartial person here, so maybe, just maybe, he could get him on his side. Then he would have his fun. He cackled silently, then winced as he promptly walked into a tree, causing Charlie to snigger loudly. Terrific.

They walked in silence for a good half an hour before Jack called for them to stop. They made camp near a small stream under the shade of the trees as the sun began to set. Charlie was the first to get to sleep, leaving Jack and Sawyer to put up with his snoring.

"Hey doc..." Sawyer began slyly. Jack stared at him warily, wondering what he wanted.

"Yes Sawyer?" He asked. Sawyer grinned.

"To make this journey more...interesting shall we say? How about you and I play a little joke on Charlie boy there?"

"What kind of joke?" Jack asked suspiciously.

Sawyer merely smiled and tapped his nose mysteriously.

Charlie woke up, yawning as the first rays of morning were visible in the sky. He stretched his legs out but found he couldn't quite get them away from each other. He frowned and tried to stand up but all that happened was that he fell backwards with his arms flailing wildly like a propellor. Charlie made an attempt to get up three times before he swung to the side and clutched a nearby tree to help him stand up.

"Damn you Sawyer!" He cursed as he saw a piece of rope wrapped firmly around his legs. He wriggled his legs but failed to loosen his shackles. But how could a man with hands lashed around his back tie up his legs? Unless...

"Ooh, touché Sawyer." He muttered. "Since when did you get Jack to do your dirty work for ya?" That was when he noticed there was dead silence. He looked round and saw Sawyer and Jack were nowhere in sight. They had packed up and left him.

"Ooh you guys are so busted!" Charlie yelled. He tentatively put one foot forward, awkward as it was, and nearly fell over again. Humiliated but still determined to hunt down his so-called friends, Charlie started hopping in a random direction. Then moments later he screamed in pain. And again as he finally managed to stand up again.

"Ha! The little munchkin won't be able to keep up with me! Mwuhahaha!" Sawyer cackled evilly.

"Ok who are you talking to when you do that?" Jack asked, bored. They were setting off again, minus Charlie of course, making a good steady pace.

"No one of course." Sawyer said, sounding surprised. "I just want to practise my evil laugh for when I BEAT HIM AND WIN THE GIRL!"

Jack yawned. "Two things to point out here Sawyer," He said slowly as if talking to a dumb child. " One. Kate is not a prize. And two. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

Sawyer grinned. "Hakuna Matata doc. No worries."

Jack just rolled his eyes. The words that sprung to his mind at the moment were idiot, insane and dumbass.

"You know he's probably gonna get hurt you know. Your hands don't control how you move so you have an unfair advantage." He pointed out.

"Exactly." Sawyer smirked.

"You're gay you know that don't ya?"

"And you're what? A sex magnet?"

"That's out of line Sawyer!"

"So's your mother!"

"Leave my mommy out of this!"

"You're mommy?"

Jack was speechless. Sawyer smirked at him knowing he won this little battle of wits. All of a sudden they heard a big thump followed by a familiar British voice cursing. Then another thump. More cursing.

"Damn. He's faster than I thought." Sawyer muttered.

"As an impartial but equally useful member of the group, I should point out that he may be hurt. Can I at least check him out?" Jack turned scarlet as he realised the double meaning of what he had just said.

"Well, well doc." Sawyer taunted. "Harbouring secret attractions for Sir-Limps-A-Lot are we? By all means check him out. Don't let me get in your way."

"You KNOW that's NOT what I meant." Jack growled. "And at least I have my hands to beat you to death with. What have you got? Your sarcasm? Ooh scary!"

Sawyer's smirk abruptly dropped. Then it re-emerged as an exhausted Charlie hopped his way into the clearing.

"Hey look Doc! Tigger's back!" He grinned.

"Not funny Sawyer!" Charlie panted. "If you wanted a fair-footed fight at least let me have my feet to fight with!"

"Who said anything about playing fair?"

"I did," Jack said quietly but no one listened to him.

"Look buster!" Charlie snapped. "No one said this was a contest between you and me. I thought we were trying to prove Kate wrong?"

"Yeah but adding internal competition is more interesting."

"More like moronic and childish. Not unlike yourself I guess."

"You really need better comebacks."

"You really need to get a life!"

Jack felt like a third wheel as the banter between Sawyer and Charlie continued. He untied Charlie's legs unbeknownst to the other two and then released Sawyer's hands. He felt like he could have thrown a boulder at them and they wouldn't have noticed.

"YO!! THERE'S A POLAR BEAR!" He screamed. Finally he got their attention. They stared at him.

"If you've quite finished with this childishness, can we get on with the trek?" He sounded peeved.

"Whatever you say doc, you're the hero." Sawyer shrugged.

They trekked for an hour in silence with only the odd comment from Sawyer regarding the lack of people. By people he meant 'others'. Soon the hills could be seen, stretching out like skyscrapers across the sky. There was only two and the one they chose was elected by Sawyer's 'eeny meeny miny mo' method.

As they trekked Charlie started whistling his driveshaft hit aware that Sawyer's shoulders were sagging in annoyance. He whistled louder and louder until finally he snapped.

"Will you shut up? I can't stand that song!" He yelled.

"Only if you're never sarcastic again." Charlie shot back. That shut Sawyer up.

"Can we just get through this with as little pain as possible?" Jack asked. Charlie glared at Sawyer and then stomped ahead.

They set up camp on the top of the hill, where they could see virtually everything and everyone. They could see Sayid walking along the beach; they saw Sun and Jin fishing together and if they strained their eyes far enough they could see Claire and Aaron in their tent. They had never before appreciated how beautiful the island really was, mostly because every encounter into the depths of the jungle usually ended in bloodshed and screaming.

The night silence was comforting somehow, only broken up by the sounds of crickets and the soft sound of the wind. Sawyer was restless though.

"Hey! Guess what? I brought the alcohol! Now it's a party!" He announced joyfully. No one shared his joy though. Charlie gazed at him warily and Jack was fuming.

"YOU. HAD. THE. LIQUOR. ALL. THIS. SODDING. TIME!" He yelled. Sawyer laughed and nodded.

"Jack's having a heart attack. How ironic. The only person who can save him...is him." Charlie noted watching Jack's face turn from red to magenta to purple and then back to red again.

"Give me a bottle!" Jack demanded, surprising both Charlie and Sawyer. He complied and soon all three of them were roaring drunk.

"Lets play Never I. I mean I never." Sawyer slurred. Jack hiccuped in agreement and so did Charlie. They had lit a fire and it felt like a proper boy scouts campout. "I'll go first!"

"Why am I not surprised?" Charlie murmured to Jack who nodded solemnly then looked blank as if he had forgotten what Charlie had just said.

"I never kissed Kate." Sawyer's first sentence was. Charlie was the only one who didn't drink.

"I feel so left out." He whined. "When I get back I'm kissing Kate just so I can say I did."

"Yeah, good luck pal!" Jack scoffed. "That woman is impossible to win over."

"Ok my turn." Charlie thought carefully. "I never called anyone a limey runt."

Despite the fact he was drunk Sawyer still scowled. "I never took drugs before!" He shot back.

"I never pretended to have someone's inhaler when really I didn't!"

"I never stalked a pregnant girl!"

"When's it my go?" Jack whined but his voice was drowned out.

"I never was a selfish, self-centred arrogant jerk!"

"I never was a useless, weak, pathetic junkie!"

"Womaniser!"

"Junkie!"

"When's it my go?" Jack asked again.

"Thief!"

"Stalker!"

"Loser!"

"Creep!"

"QUIIIIEEEEEEEEEET!!" Yelled Jack. Charlie and Sawyer stared at him.

"I can't take this anymore. You two are constantly fighting! We're going home!" Jack made to stand up but the alcohol rushed to his head and he collapsed in a big heap which only made a snoring sound.

"He's a bit insane today isn't he? We're the only sane ones." Sawyer gaped. Charlie laughed but soon he was hysterical, clutching his sides and rolling around.

"Correction," Sawyer said wryly, "I'm the only sane one."

Kate was sleeping when the 3 guys came wandering back. She stirred and was shocked into sitting up when she saw them.

"What happened to the three day idea?" She demanded playfully. "2 days isn't good enough!"

"Wait Kate." Charlie mumbled. "Don't tell Claire."

Kate looked confused. "Don't tell Claire about what?"

Charlie took a deep breath and leaned in to kiss Kate as Jack and Sawyer looked on in amusement. Kate didn't know what to do. Charlie drew away quickly and Jack and Sawyer simultaneously roared with laughter. Both Kate and Charlie looked shocked.

"Well that makes the three of us who've kissed you freckles." Sawyer said, still gasping with laughter. "You should feel special."

Charlie mumbled something incoherent and then suddenly laughed at something random before walking off.

"What's up with him?" Kate finally asked, her eyes wide and her cheeks pale.

"Nothing. Dude's just had a little too much to drink." Jack hiccuped.

"From the sounds of it so have you! Shame on you Jack!" Kate teased halfheartedly. "And since when have you used the word dude?"

Sawyer just grinned.

Later on that day, everything had pretty much gotten back to normal. Except three of the 48 survivors had huge hangovers and so consequently retreated to their tents to recover. Charlie was lying on the ground with a flannel he had found, on his head.

"Is that your first time on the pull Chucky?" An all too familiar voice said. Charlie groaned and sat up to see Sawyer grinning at him.

"I don't know what you mean." He moaned.

"What would Claire say if she knew? Who would you stalk next?"

Charlie thrust his middle finger up in response.

"Tut tut. That isn't nice is it? Face it Chuckster, I handled that adventure better than you."

"Like hell you did! I whooped your sorry excuse of an ass!" Charlie retorted.

"Oh so now you've been staring at my ass?" Sawyer asked teasingly.

"I'd beat you at anything." Charlie responded but it was very quiet and weak as a rush of pain flooded his head. Damn this hangover!

"We'll just see. We'll just see." Sawyer smirked as he turned and walked away.

A.n. This is the first in the Sawyer vs Charlie saga. I've tried to keep it humorous but I'm normally an angsty type of writer so excuse me if the humour isn't very clear in here. Btw I'd love to hear your suggestions for any challenges for my next update! (E.g arm wrestle, hunting, anything competitive really) Thanks for reading :D