You killed me! You killed me! Blew me and my life to pieces, all because you were so selfish. You should have let me go that first day. You killed me, you killed me!

Alex woke up screaming. Gasping hungrily for the cool night air, his chest heaving and hands shaking. The door burst open with a bang and Alex leapt up, swinging wildly at his attacker. His fist caught their side with a smack, gaining a grunt and curse in return. The attacker grabbed his fists so Alex lashed out with his leg, he missed in the dark and lost his balance, falling back onto the bed.

"Alex, Alex calm down. It's me, okay. It's Ben, it's Fox. You are safe. You are home in London. Breathe okay, just calm down and breathe." The attacker said in a soothing voice. No, not an attacker, Ben.

Alex drew in a long shuddering breath and let it out, dissolving into sobs in Ben's arms. He had been having the nightmares since he was blackmailed into becoming a spy. As soon as Jack was killed, they became a thousand times worse. It was one of the reasons he hadn't stayed in America with the Pleasures for more than a week.

A week was it all it took for his nightmare to drive them away.

So he came back, back to England, back to MI6, back being a boy turned spy. That had been over a year ago, he was sixteen now. The first few months had been rough, he had done everything possible to hide his night terrors, there was nothing worse than looking weak in front of some random agent that had been assigned to watch over him. The nightmares were harder to fight off than Alex thought. So instead he went without sleep, sure he took little half naps here and there, but he never actually went to sleep.

This, of course, backfired when he collapsed in the middle of gym, because of course '6 was still sending him to school. School in itself was hell, Tom had moved to Italy to live with his brother, everyone was calling him a druggie, a creep.

Him passing out for half a day in a 'safe' place gave Jones a wake-up call, and finally got it into her head that there was no being a normal teenage boy for him, there was no not being a spy, there was no being handed schoolbooks and a babysitter and going on like nothing happened.

So the changes happened.

He moved in with Ben, he was the only person in the agency that Alex actually trusted slightly, apart from Smithers, but the genius lived in the lab. He was given a therapist, an Asian woman from Scotland who was called Kellie. That did not go well at first, it took a week's worth of sessions for him to even talk. But slowly he talked, he was getting better at talking to her. Letting Ben help him with his nightmares was both the hardest and best decision Alex had made, they dwindled from nightly, to weekly, to now monthly - if that.

He was pulled out of school, they did get him a whole host of tutors, not just for your normal school subjects either, he was being taught diplomacy, his black belt in karate was being matched in various martial arts, complemented with weapons training. Alex was now proficient in various languages and had gained certificates in first aid.

Jones had made a contract for him, giving him pay for the missions he had done and a promise to not send him on missions until he was ready, both physically and mentally. He had gone into her office eight months ago telling her that he was ready, signed off by Kellie and the doctors that had been helping him recover from his previous injuries.

Jones had allowed him to start on the condition that he passed a week's worth of training at Brecon Beacons. Alex had agreed so long as it was at the same time as Bens refresher training. Wolf had given him stony silence, though the new guy, Seal, had talked to him from the get go. Seal and Fox managed to talk some sense into Wolf, Snake and Eagle were okay with him, given that the two had spent their leave practically living at Bens. The first time the two of them had shown up at Bens doorstep was a bit awkward.

Once Wolf was knocked down a couple dozen pegs the week went by smoothly. In eight months Alex had completed four major missions - three of them with Ben as a partner - and a dozen or so minor missions, all of which were done with Ben.

Life was good as it could get for Alex. Blissful almost, when he wasn't on a mission that was. But those few times monthly when he did have a nightmare, that was bad.

Alex looked up at Ben, wiping away the tears with the back of his hand, pushing Bens arms off and leaning against the wall, his head tilted back, eyes glued to the ceiling.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Ben asked in that voice he only uses when Alex has a nightmare.

Alex shook his head.

"Kitchen?" Ben suggested. Alex nodded, waiting until Ben was at the door before he rose slowly to his feet, stiff like he always was after a nightmare. He took a few deep breaths, trying to clear his head. Giving up he headed into the kitchen, dropping down into his chair at the table and resting his chin on his folded arms. Ben came and placed a cup of tea in front of him, sitting down in the chair next to Alex.

"You gonna talk tonight kid?" Ben asked gently. Alex shrugged his shoulders in reply, not looking up.

Ben waited for a minute, then three, a few more passed yet neither of them had moved. After nearly twenty minutes Alex finally spoke up.

"It... it was her again." He murmured quietly. If Ben wasn't a spy he probably would have missed it. Hell, Alex almost missed the words tumbling quietly from his lips.

"You haven't had that one for a while," Ben said, a puzzled look on his face. He was right, Alex hadn't dreamt about Jack for a while. She had been in his dream for months after her death, disappearing only when he had been seeing Kellie for a couple weeks. She helped him deal with it. After that, the only time he had seen Jack in any of his nightmares was around the anniversary of her death.

"Her birthday was yesterday." Said Alex, the weighted words dropping to the table top. He wiped away the tears that threatened to start falling again, put his half-full cup in the sink and heading up to bed.

He might trust Ben with his life, doesn't mean that he wanted to relive his past at two am. If it happened again he would get help, but for now, all he wanted to do was sleep.

-#-#-

So, finally got a new fanfiction started. I've been playing around with this one for about a year or so - just in case you're wondering, this is the seventh first chapter and the only one I've actually wanted to publish.

xox - Silence