Fractured Fairy Tale (Sort of)
by Andromon X, written using the real name I don't like to use online. ^_^
The Silence of the Lambs
Once upon a time there was a man named Hannibal Lecter. Doctor Hannibal Lecter, in fact, as he was a psychiatrist by trade. He was a normal man, except that he enjoyed screwing with people's minds way too much for his own good, but that's part of the reason he became a shrink. Soon, however, he started to eat people, so the king told his knights to throw him into the dungeon with the rubber walls. Hannibal Lecter was not a happy cannibal.
Then one day a lovely young maiden named Clarisse came to the dungeon. Clarisse just happened to be a member of the same group of knights that put Hannibal in the looney bin so many years ago. She was visiting Hannibal Lecter in hopes that he would help the knights capture another serial killer, a big bad ogre named Bill who was killing and skinning young maidens. Hannibal was smitten with the young maiden who came to visit him, but she ignored his obvious crush on her.
"Hello Clarisse," said the big bad psycho from inside his cell.
"Hello, Dr. Lecter," said Clarisse. "I suppose you want my help with the big bad ogre ravaging the countryside," said Hannibal.
"How did you know?" asked Clarisse, stepping back a little. "It's just one of those weird creepy things I do," said Hannibal with a shrug.
"So, can you help?" asked Clarisse.
"Give me one good reason," said Hannibal, "or I will eat your liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti."
"What is your obsession with the fava beans?" asked Clarisse.
"It's a running gag," said Hannibal. "It's not funny," said Clarisse.
"You're FBI," said Hannibal, "you're not allowed to have a sense of humor."
"Okay," said Clarisse, "you think about it. In the meanwhile, would you mind taking this survey?" "A telemarketer tried to make me take a survey once. I ate his liver with some fava beans and..."
"Will you shut up about the fava beans already?" demanded Clarisse.
"Someone once told me to shut up about the fava beans," smiled Lecter. "I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti."
Clarisse just sighed and shook her head. This was going to be a long day.
"Then again," said Lecter, "I think I may want to give you a cryptic clue. It's worth it to see you smile."
Clarisse resisted the urge to hurt Hannibal Lecter and listened for the tip.
"However, I do not have one to spare at the moment. You may wish to consult an old patient of mine, Hester Mofet. She had an astounding brain, it tasted like nothing else I've ever eaten. She may have left behind something of use." Clarisse left, resolving to bring an airsickness bag on her next visit.
Clarisse went to see what was so special that Hester left behind. It was a severed head in a jar. "That's DISGUSTING!" said Clarisse.
"I have feelings too," said the head.
"I'm sorry," said Clarisse.
"That's okay," said the head, "I'm getting used to it."
Clarisse went to see Hannibal Lecter again the next day, and, after complimenting him on his skill with anagrams, told him he had a sick sense of humor. Doctor Lecter was offended.
"I'm not the one who put that head in that jar," he said. "It's still disgusting!" protested Clarisse.
"Complain to Bill, not me," said Lecter. "I don't keep trophies when I kill someone."
"I'd love to stay and be morbid with you," said Clarisse, "but I have a victm's body to inspect."
Inside the victim's throat, Clarisse found a magic moth that lead her to Bill's fortress. Meanwhile, the FBI was dragging Hannibal Lecter to various places in order to see what help he could be.
Inside the Fortress, Clarisse saw many magic moths. It was obvious she had come to the right place. She went down to the dungeon to see if Bill was holding any other young maidens captive down there. He was.
Meanwhile, Hannibal Lecter was planning his escape. Fortunately, the King had assigned incredibly stupid guards, as was customary, so Hannibal had very little trouble getting free.
Clarisse was just about to free the young maiden that was being held prisoner in the dungeon when Bill attacked. Clarisse couldn't see well in the dark of the dungeon, but Bill, clever ogre that he was, had invested in night-vision goggles. Clarisse was at a decided disadvantage, but she managed to slay the evil ogre despite this. The forces of good must always win, after all.
A few days later, Clarisse received a phone call from none other than Hannibal Lecter. He spoke like a charming gentleman, but Clarisse was rather annoyed that he had interrupted what she had been doing. They chatted politely for a little, before Hannibal had to hang up. After all, he still hadn't decided who he was having for dinner.
The moral of this story: A monster in the dungeon is worth two on the rampage.
by Andromon X, written using the real name I don't like to use online. ^_^
The Silence of the Lambs
Once upon a time there was a man named Hannibal Lecter. Doctor Hannibal Lecter, in fact, as he was a psychiatrist by trade. He was a normal man, except that he enjoyed screwing with people's minds way too much for his own good, but that's part of the reason he became a shrink. Soon, however, he started to eat people, so the king told his knights to throw him into the dungeon with the rubber walls. Hannibal Lecter was not a happy cannibal.
Then one day a lovely young maiden named Clarisse came to the dungeon. Clarisse just happened to be a member of the same group of knights that put Hannibal in the looney bin so many years ago. She was visiting Hannibal Lecter in hopes that he would help the knights capture another serial killer, a big bad ogre named Bill who was killing and skinning young maidens. Hannibal was smitten with the young maiden who came to visit him, but she ignored his obvious crush on her.
"Hello Clarisse," said the big bad psycho from inside his cell.
"Hello, Dr. Lecter," said Clarisse. "I suppose you want my help with the big bad ogre ravaging the countryside," said Hannibal.
"How did you know?" asked Clarisse, stepping back a little. "It's just one of those weird creepy things I do," said Hannibal with a shrug.
"So, can you help?" asked Clarisse.
"Give me one good reason," said Hannibal, "or I will eat your liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti."
"What is your obsession with the fava beans?" asked Clarisse.
"It's a running gag," said Hannibal. "It's not funny," said Clarisse.
"You're FBI," said Hannibal, "you're not allowed to have a sense of humor."
"Okay," said Clarisse, "you think about it. In the meanwhile, would you mind taking this survey?" "A telemarketer tried to make me take a survey once. I ate his liver with some fava beans and..."
"Will you shut up about the fava beans already?" demanded Clarisse.
"Someone once told me to shut up about the fava beans," smiled Lecter. "I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti."
Clarisse just sighed and shook her head. This was going to be a long day.
"Then again," said Lecter, "I think I may want to give you a cryptic clue. It's worth it to see you smile."
Clarisse resisted the urge to hurt Hannibal Lecter and listened for the tip.
"However, I do not have one to spare at the moment. You may wish to consult an old patient of mine, Hester Mofet. She had an astounding brain, it tasted like nothing else I've ever eaten. She may have left behind something of use." Clarisse left, resolving to bring an airsickness bag on her next visit.
Clarisse went to see what was so special that Hester left behind. It was a severed head in a jar. "That's DISGUSTING!" said Clarisse.
"I have feelings too," said the head.
"I'm sorry," said Clarisse.
"That's okay," said the head, "I'm getting used to it."
Clarisse went to see Hannibal Lecter again the next day, and, after complimenting him on his skill with anagrams, told him he had a sick sense of humor. Doctor Lecter was offended.
"I'm not the one who put that head in that jar," he said. "It's still disgusting!" protested Clarisse.
"Complain to Bill, not me," said Lecter. "I don't keep trophies when I kill someone."
"I'd love to stay and be morbid with you," said Clarisse, "but I have a victm's body to inspect."
Inside the victim's throat, Clarisse found a magic moth that lead her to Bill's fortress. Meanwhile, the FBI was dragging Hannibal Lecter to various places in order to see what help he could be.
Inside the Fortress, Clarisse saw many magic moths. It was obvious she had come to the right place. She went down to the dungeon to see if Bill was holding any other young maidens captive down there. He was.
Meanwhile, Hannibal Lecter was planning his escape. Fortunately, the King had assigned incredibly stupid guards, as was customary, so Hannibal had very little trouble getting free.
Clarisse was just about to free the young maiden that was being held prisoner in the dungeon when Bill attacked. Clarisse couldn't see well in the dark of the dungeon, but Bill, clever ogre that he was, had invested in night-vision goggles. Clarisse was at a decided disadvantage, but she managed to slay the evil ogre despite this. The forces of good must always win, after all.
A few days later, Clarisse received a phone call from none other than Hannibal Lecter. He spoke like a charming gentleman, but Clarisse was rather annoyed that he had interrupted what she had been doing. They chatted politely for a little, before Hannibal had to hang up. After all, he still hadn't decided who he was having for dinner.
The moral of this story: A monster in the dungeon is worth two on the rampage.