AN: I just discovered Tokyo Ghoul last week. I binge-watched the anime, and then I binge-read the manga, and my insides are all shredded. Oh gawd, I love Tokyo Ghoul so much, but it hurts like hell and it's so. Fucked. Up. And I sped through it, so I really don't understand half of what's going on. I need to go through slower, read some analyses, actually think about stuff.
But for now, I just needed to get some turmoiled emotion stuff out so I can actually focus on other stuff. I really want to write fanfic for this series, but it's one that's really hard to write for. I don't know if I can. So much is going on (so much that I don't understand), and it's so dark and heavy (I'm scared to even broach some of the material). But I had to write something. So here's some Insane!Kaneki! Written at like 4am when I couldn't sleep because damn this series. (And does anybody know what the hell is going on with Hide? Something is going on with Hide.)
Anyways. Don't think of this as me trying to accurately capture his psyche or anything. I don't think it could even be quite characterized as a character study. It's just an interpretive piece of art. I'm really just trying to get emotions out, here. (As great as emotions are [gawd they really suck (sometimes [a lot of the time])], this series really deserves to deeply thought about. Which I'll do later, when my emotions aren't in so much turmoil... haha I feel kinda wrecked and vaguely sick.)
This is Kaneki's POV, second-person. The 'when' is ambiguous.
Title is from the song "Hungry" by Rob Bailey and The Hustle Standard.
i'm gonna carry this shit on my fucking back.
Hunger is a blackhole in your stomach.
But no, that's wrong, because if that were the case then you'd be sucked inside yourself, and that's not what's happening.
No, hunger isn't a blackhole in your stomach. Hunger has turned you into a blackhole.
You are a blackhole, and your prey is moving at the speed of light, but that's not fast enough. Blackholes are so powerful-ravenous that not even light can get away.
You are so hungry. It's consuming you.
Eat, says her voice. Her voice in your head. Eat them all up.
No, hunger isn't consuming you. You are the one doing the consuming.
You are the one.
You are.
(Were.)
Are.
You are.
Who are you?
What's one-thousand minus seven? whispers his voice.
His voice.
Not his.
His voice.
His.
Yours.
Your voice.
What's one-thousand minus seven?
Nine-hundred-ninety-three.
Who are you?
Nine-hundred-eighty-six.
(You welcome it.)
Who are you?
Nine-hundred-seventy-nine.
(You accept it.)
Who are you?
Nine-hundred-seventy-two.
(You become it.)
What are you?
You are a monster.
What are you?
Monster. You don't care.
What are you?
A monster. It doesn't matter. It's what you have to be. You have to. To protect them.
You will protect them.
You will.
You.
Limping birds and lonely rabbits, made entirely out of light, so light light liGhT thEir sMiLES thEy dIM tHeY dIE bEcAUsE oF YoU beCAuSE.
You are a blackhole. You have to stay away from them.
You have to.
Nine-hundred-sixty-five.
I know you are, but what am I?
You are a blackhole.
You are hungry. You are in darkness. You are in pain.
No.
You are hunger. You are darkness.
You are pain.
yOU aRe PAiN.
EVeRYTHiNg YoU ArE iS PAiN. Pain is not your weakness but your strength. Pain is your armor, your sword, your shield. Pain is your love. Pain is your hunger. Pain is your god. Pain is yourself.
You are in pain.
And it hurts and it hurts and it hurts and it hurts anD iT HuRTS It hURts IT HurTS oH pLEaSE mOMmY mAKe iT StOP i'M sOrRY i'm SOrRy dOn'T hURt mE sTOP i'M sORrY i LoVE yoU StOp plEaSE iT hUrTs.
A hole is ripped through your abdomen and you laugh, you laugh because iT hURtS and you know that yOu aRE lOvED.
(ThIs wOrlD iS WRoNG.)
In their whispers, they tell you that you are loved. They tell you Eat them and they tell you The strong devour the weak and they tell you All losses in this world are due to lack of ability and they tell you that It's better to hurt than to hurt others and they tell you It's better to devour than to be devoured and they tell you What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and they tell you Pain will make you stronger.
You are in pain. Pain is your strength. The more you hurt—the more you eat—the stronger you grow.
You need to grow stronger.
You need to.
Nine-hundred-fifty-eight.
Who are you?
Nine-hundred-fifty-one.
You are pain.
Nine-hundred-forty-six.
They think they know pain? You will show them pain.
You will show them.
You.
What's one-thousand minus seven?
Count aloud. I want to hear you count.
Pain is your nervous system. It powers you. Gasoline. Pain is gasoline (you broken machine). Gasoline is power. Power is.
Power is pain.
(The machine keeps kick-kick-kicking. Click-click-click. You can't hear the gears turning.)
(There's a centipede in your ear.)
(You can feel it writhing. Feel it munching. You can feel it. The centipede in your ear.)
(You can't hear your screaming.)
Nine-hundred-ninety-three.
(You can't hear yourself counting.)
What's one-thousand minus seven?
Nine-hundred-ninety-three.
What's one-thousand minus seven?
You will devour me.
You will.
Devour.
You.
You are a blackhole. To devour is your nature. To devour and to grow stronger. With each bite you take, you can hear the voices.
Is that what you wanted? Is it?
You wanted the pain. You chose it. You wanted it.
You wanted the pain.
(But I never wanted you.)
(I never asked for you.)
I'll never ask for anything ever again.
(I never asked for you.)
You wanted the pain. It makes you writhe and scream in pleasure. The pain. It brings tears to your eyes. A grin to your face.
(Your mouth tastes foul.)
(You like it.)
You think you are a monster. You don't know anything.
I will show you what it means to be a monster.
You think you're a monster?
I am a monster.
I am—
You aRe
—a ghoul.
A gHoUL.
.
.
.
(Hehe, Mommy, i'm sO FUcKeD uP.)
(i LiKe iT.)
(mOmMY, i LiKE iT.)