Yukiteru Amano woke up and groaned in pain.
"Note to self," he thought, "random bottles of alcohol you find lying around the house and marijuana are a very bad combination." Yuki drank and did drugs quite often, as his mother had a rather demanding job. He usually wouldn't see her for days at a time and decided that since she was gone, he could do whatever he wanted. Last night, he even hallucinated some kind of time god. He turned on his phone, called it a "fucking fuckface" after the light from it hurt his eyes, and saw that he missed school.
He was an average student with a few close friends. Unfortunately for his headache, one of those friends, Ouja Kosaka (who Yuki honestly didn't like that much and didn't really understand why they were friends) was knocking on his front door. Yuki made a half-assed attempt at throwing a dart at the dartboard in his room, walked downstairs, and opened the door.
"Ouja, Waluigi, Ouija Board, what, uh, what's- what's good you fuckin', uh, fucker?"
"Jesus, Amano. You smell like a brewery."
"Only 'cause I fuckin', um, fuckin'...I dunno, something about your mother. What do you want, dickhead?"
"Mr. Hiyama wanted me to give you today's homework. He thought you were sick or something."
"Actually, I have a severe condition called a hangover. You may have heard of it. Tell Hiyama that Y2K will do the homework when Y2K-"
"Did you just give yourself a nickname?"
"Maybe."
"You're pathetic."
"You talkin' shit, fucknuts? Because I will goddamn backhand slap you right across the mouth, I'm not fucking around."
"Blow me, asshole."
Ouja left and Yuki closed the door.
"I will shoot that cunt one of these days, I swear to fuckin' God.
"I did not ask for you to do that, but I appreciate the thought, First."
"JESUS DICK WHAT."
Yuki looked around for the source of the voice and saw nothing.
"I gotta stop buying weed from Hino, that shit's laced with something."
The next day, Yuki received a text from someone identifying himself as "Deus Ex Machina", the time god he hallucinated, saying that there would be a math test that day. He also received a text containing all the answers. At school, after the test, he was hanging out with his friend Hinata Hino and her girlfriend, Mao Nonosaka.
"So, Yuki," said Hinata, "I heard that Moe Wakaba likes you."
"I genuinely could not care less."
"What's so bad about her? She's really nice."
"That's exactly the problem. She's nice. She's boring."
"Well", said Mao, "do you like anyone?"
"Actually, I am a little interested in Yuno Gasai."
"Why?"
"For one thing, she's hot as fuck. And she looks like the kind of girl who likes anal."
"What does that look like?"
"You just kinda know 'em when you see 'em. It's not an exact science. More of an art, really. And there's something else about her, something I can't quite put my finger on. I'll definitely be putting my finger in her, though. If you know what I mean."
"I-"
"I mean in her ass and pussy. Also, she was clearly eye fucking me during that test. You know what? Fuck it, I'm gonna ask her out right now."
Yuki walked over to Yuno's desk.
"Oh, um, hello, Yukiteru."
"I couldn't help but notice you staring at me during the test. You have nice eyes."
"Oh, um, thanks." Yuno blushed.
"Anyway, I thought I'd take you and your stunning eyes out to somewhere nice tonight. What do you say?"
"Your mom works long hours, right?"
"Uh...yeah, how did you know that?" asked Yuki. He then laughed because "Yuno" and "you know" sound the same.
"You got drunk and called me a few days ago. You told me what days your mom worked and for how long. You then asked me if I wanted to 'ride your dick like a horse'. You vomited and hung up before I could answer."
"Yeah, that does sound familiar."
"Takes a Hell of a lot of confidence to ask that of someone you barely know. I like cute guys with confidence. Anyway, do you think I could stay at your place tonight? My dad works long hours too and my mom's too drunk to care."
"Alright, I'll walk you to my place after school."
Yuno smiled. "It's a date. See you after school, Yuki~"
Yuki walked over to his friends.
"Did you two fucking see that? I told you she was into me. Also, Hinata, I gotta ask you something about that weed you sold me a while ago."
Author's Note: And that's the end of the first chapter!~ We met our two "heroes", and Yuki's friends (and also Ouja)~ We also saw hints of the Random Diary, Deus, and the Third!~