Title: A Time For Telling- sequel to She Will Never
Know
Rating:
Spoilers: 7th season, mainly Sein Und
Zeit and Closure.
Disclaimer: These characters are not mine, blah,
blah, blah… You know the drill.
Summary: Mulder thought that Scully would never know
how he truly feels about her, he thought he could never tell her because of the
danger it put her in. But sometimes,
someone's love is so strong, you can feel it even before they tell you it's
there.
Pain
is everything and nothing.
But
love… is the world on its knees.
The night had been long, and painful. She held me so close, and yet, she was so far out of my
reach. Her arms held me close to her
body, where I needed to be; I needed to feel her life. She softly stroked my hair as my head rested
against her chest, and I cried. I felt
so ashamed, so weak. But it hurt too
much; the pain overwhelmed me and just took control. She must've sensed I felt this way; she knew I felt this way.
"It's okay." She whispered softly. "I know it hurts." I could hear it in her voice. I could hear her sympathy, her pain for me
and my loss. It wasn't fair. She shouldn't have to feel this way for me;
I don't deserve it.
I started to pull away from her, in every sense. I pulled out of her embrace, and put a wall between
us, invisible but what I thought was strong.
I swung my feet over the side of the bed, keeping my back to her.
"Mulder, please…" She didn't want me to close off to her, but I had to. It was the only way to protect her, keep her
safe.
"I have to go." I said, in a voice so quiet I wasn't sure she
heard me. I got up from the edge of the
bed, and walked towards her bedroom door.
I could feel her eyes on my back, confused and hurt that I wouldn't let
her help me. Pleading, for me to turn
around and let her give me comfort. I
couldn't do that, I just couldn't…
"Mulder, don't go. You
shouldn't be alone right now." She tried to reason. This wasn't her doctor, or her rational side; this was my
Scully. My best friend, my
partner. The woman I loved.
I turned to face her; my eyes must've shown my sadness and
despair.
"No matter. I've always
been alone, Scully. What's the
difference now?" I asked sadly, my voice just above a pained whisper.
I watched the hurt expression on her face. I didn't know if it was for me, or because of me, of
what I'd just said.
"You have me, Mulder." She said quietly, in a tone that was
disbelieving of what I'd just said. I
just shook my head slowly.
"I never have." I whispered dejectedly. I turned my back to her, and left her room, not closing the door
behind me.
I reached her front door, my head whirling with thoughts of why I
was even put on this earth in the first place.
My eyes flicked to the gun on her end table, next to her answering
machine. I walked over to it, and
stared down at it. Slowly I reached
down for it, and just as slowly picked it up, thinking, maybe I never had a place
here; maybe I was someone that was never meant to be in the first place. Maybe… I should leave. Not just her apartment, but this earth. Maybe, I should just die now. At least that way I'd know that they could
never hurt her again because of me.
"I know what you're thinking.
Please…don't." Her voice was so soft and troubled. I turned to face her. She stood in the middle of the living room,
watching me with beseeching blue eyes.
"I'd die… if I ever lost you." I could see tears in her eyes. "I
wouldn't know what to do without you, Mulder."
"Yes, you would." I whispered, not believing her.
"No-"
"You'd be hurt at first, because we were best friends. But then… it'd get easier, and you'd forget
all about me. No one would remember
that I even existed." I said; I wasn't thinking clearly. I looked away from her, back down at the gun
in my hand. I checked the clip. It was loaded. I bit my bottom lip, contemplating. I had it pointed at myself, while one of my fingers rested limply
on the trigger.
"Mulder, please… You're scaring me." Her voice certainly didn't
betray her words. She was scared. Scared that I might do something rash.
"If I do it… it would all just… go away." I said, my voice full
of despondency.
"The pain?" I looked up at her. "Mulder, killing yourself isn't
the answer. We can do this together;
I-I can help you… I can ease your pain." She was slowly moving towards me, a
little at a time. I could still see the
tears shining in her eyes, and I swore that they were going to fall at any
second once again because of me.
"No…" I whispered.
"At least let me try?" She whispered back.
"No. I won't do this to
you anymore, Scully." I said firmly, trying to control my emotions.
"Do
what, Mulder?" She blurted, franticness in her voice. "I don't understand
what you think you're doing, or have done, to me." Her words were distressed.
I just lowered my head, looking back down at the gun again. I shook my head slowly. Maybe it was better that she didn't
understand.
"Talk to me… Please, Mulder. Talk to
me." She was even closer to me now. If
things went the way I wanted them to, there was no harm in telling her why I
wanted to do it.
"I'm sick, Scully. Sick
of all the pain." I watched her expression, her face contorted from trying not
to cry. "I…I just can't take it. If I
do this, I won't feel it anymore." I explained, my voice tired and
distraught. She was even closer to me
now, an arms length away. I looked back
down at the gun.
"Mulder, please put down the gun." She begged, her voice strained with
tears. I could almost hear the painful
knot in her throat as she swallowed against it. "Please…" She whispered.
I stared down at the gun.
I swallowed my tears. I felt so
tired. Tired of fighting, tired of
trying, tired of being hurt. And tired
of hurting the ones I loved the most.
"I just want it to go away." I said. "I just want the pain to go
away, Scully."
Her hand covered mine, the one that held the gun. I looked at her. I looked at her face, and into her eyes.
"Then let me take it away." She said softly. I gazed at her. I watched the tears fall from her eyes, and then felt the gun
slip from my hand. It clattered to the
floor. And then everything hit me full
force. My legs refused to hold me up,
and I sank to the floor. Scully sank
with me.
She pulled me to her, and wrapped me in her arms as I cried. At first I didn't move, I felt numb, and I
just let her hold me. Then, I closed my
arms around her, and hugged her as tightly as she hugged me.
I don't know how long we stayed like that, how long we held each
other, or how long she rocked me there on floor as we cried. Long enough for me to slowly pull back and
look at her. We just gazed at each
other; we were so close. I reached one
hand out to caress her cheek, and she covered my hand with her own. After a few moments, we let our hands fall
away, but didn't release them. Instead,
we held on, and gazed in silence again for a few more moments. Before, finally, I spoke. She needed to know; I had to tell her.
"Scully… I-"
"Shh…" She put a finger to my lips. "I know." She said
softly. She slowly let her finger fall
away. Slowly, she leaned towards me.
She kissed me then. She
kissed me softly, and I kissed her back.
When that first kiss, so chaste, had ended, I took her in my arms. We held each other; she rested her chin on
my shoulder, and I buried my face in the small of her neck. She'd already taken so much pain away. And as we held each other, there on the
floor of her apartment, I knew… I knew
everything was going to be all right. I
knew that's how she would make it… how we would make it.
