Title: Realizations
Author: April
Fandom: IPS (M&M, some Mary/Raph)
Summary: Mary & Raph break up.
I'm standing here, lost in the deep brown eyes of the man I've been sleeping with for years. I wouldn't call him my boyfriend, I've turned him down for marriage twice already, but somehow, I feel a sense of loyalty to him. He helped me get rid of the evidence of Brandi's drugs before I even really knew they existed, he was there when I needed the warm physical contact of another human, and, despite myself, he's become a member of my family, a friend. I don't know if I ever would have left him on my own. Somehow, I think he knows that, even before I come to the realization myself. He knows I don't love him, although I can't say I didn't try. So he's saying goodbye first, letting me go, citing 'wrong place, wrong time', which I'm not so sure is just a line this time. We're comfortable together, but he'll never be someone I feel comfortable telling all my secrets to, letting comfort me after a bad day at work, and I'll never be able to give him the kind of devotion he needs. To his credit, he didn't say he wanted to see other people or take the easy way out by using my job as the reason behind the split. I know that it causes problems, when I have to run out in the middle of the night but can't tell him what for, when he has to pick up slack with Mom and Brandi because I can't leave work, or don't want to. I know that he, along with my family, will never understand what I do all day and I can't explain. I know that it hurts like hell to see someone you love put themselves in danger and I wind up there more often than not. I hear the words he's saying to me in that cute Dominican accent, but they can all be summed into one: goodbye.
Raph and I walk each other out of the house, him going back to his place, me not wanting to have the 'breakup talk' with Mom and Brandi who I'm sure will act like it's a personal affront to both of them and take the news harder than Raph and I did. So I drive, nowhere in particular. For once, my notepad is completely clean, a blank slate, something that I can't remember happening in years. There's always somewhere I have to go, someplace I have to be. I've started to feel as if I'm missing so much of life, always running behind. Keep Brandi out of trouble, keep Mom from drinking, keep my witnesses safe and happy, keep my dates with Raph…I'm always missing something, always late. There's only one place I feel no time restraints, no demands, just a strange sense of peace and belonging, one I've never had before, even as a little girl. I see Marshall's big black SUV, a complete turnaround from my purple piece of crap car that's always breaking down, but I realize that while I've been driving 'in circles', I've been doing it with a purpose in mind, a plan.
I walk inside his apartment, trying to remember the last time I was here. We're together all the time, but I can't remember the last time I was in his apartment. I'll never understand, maybe I don't want to understand, how he can have so much stuff in here for his hobbies, his interests, and still keep the place so neat, so organized. It was why I asked him to help me pick out my house when I bought it, to help me unpack, arrange things…Well, that and the fact that I got free labor and extra time with him. It's strange; we could be together twenty-four/seven and he's the one person I can never grow tired of. I see a piece of paper on the desk and, as I walk near, I can tell it's a picture of me. Not a photograph, but an honest-to-God picture he's drawn some time when I didn't realize it. It's just my head while I sleep, but the words under it stop me cold. They're the words I said to Lewis and his partner a few months ago, when that building collapsed, about how at the end of the day, your partner is all that matters. I remember saying how lucky I was to have Marshall, to know he had my back, but there was more. I close my eyes briefly, remembering when I almost lost him. I remember my anger at finding out Marshall was even considering leaving the marshal service, betrayal that he could even consider it, shock when he fell upon the desert sand with the bullet wound in his chest, the fear and grief at the mere possibility of losing him. I remember wanting to die with him if he died. I remember realizing, for the first time, that I loved him. Raph hadn't stood a chance after that, no matter what he did.
I hear the shower running and think about that black dress I wore a year ago, how he couldn't look at me, how he'd kissed me in the barn, like he was trying to convey all he felt for me in that one kiss because he wasn't sure he'd ever get the chance again. I hadn't been ready then, still been too scared. There were so many unanswered questions, so many ways things could go wrong. I overheard once Stan saying that I have as much or more balls than either him or Marshall, but the thought of falling makes me ill, like that time I tried sky diving on a drunken dare. I had landed on my feet then, but this time, there was no parachute. If I took that step off, there was no going back.
"Mary." I hear Marshall call my name, pulling me closer, under the water with him, like he'd always known we'd end up like this one day. Marshall is my parachute, my lifeline, and, with him, even falling like this is safe.