Let me start by saying I'm not proud of some of the shit I have to do, okay. Sometimes it just can't be helped.

Manipulation might as well be my middle name. Sugar Manipulation Motta. That actually has a nice ring to it. Anyway, I manipulate people...and situations...and well anything else that I need to. Don't worry or anything. It's for their own good. I promise!

Eventually.

Alright, some people tend to get hurt in the process. There have been plenty of emotional scars, even a few physical. But everything I've done had to be done. I swear.

That being said, some of it isn't so bad. I make dreams come true.

Seriously. It's like my job. It's the best! I've been at it for like a hundred years or something.

I bit the big one while I was writing a poorly constructed note to my boyfriend while also operating my father's horse and buggy without permission. It was the first documented case of texting and driving or whatever. But, it's cool because I got this kick ass gig.

When I got here, Sue (Formally, God, but I just call her Sue cause we're HolyBros) told me I could play Cupid. Well, actually, that I could sit in front of the device that they call CUPID. It's really the Compatibility Unifying and Partiality Identification Database. CUPID generates all the potential love matches in the universe and I make them happen. Everyone thinks this stuff is random. HA! Not a chance. It's me. And Joe Hart, but let's face it, Joe's success rate is in the mid-60s. He's an amateur.

My success rate is 99.99%. Every great power couple in the last 100 years has been my doing. Burns and Allen. Barack and Michelle. Ellen and Portia. Peanut butter and jelly. Me. Me. Me. And also me! (Don't believe everything you read. I was the original PB&J girl. And a baseball bat.)

What's the .01% you ask?

I'll tell you.

Santana Freakin' Lopez.

She's always matching up with the same person on my Soulmate Generator. Always. I just haven't been able to make it happen.

For years, I've tried. I've done everything I can think of to get those two together.

They are absolutely killing my perfect record. Never have I had two people score so incredibly high on the compatibility meter. Their partiality projections are crazy good, the likes of which I've never seen. The problem is, though, I just cannot get those girls to meet.

I arranged for both of them to attend college at Purdue. I plotted concurrent trips to New York City. I moved both sets of their parents to adjoining retirement condos in Fort Lauderdale. I inconspicuously inverted the phone number of a handsy cage dancer. I even gave them a couple of mutual friends, for Sue's sake. Nothing. They still haven't crossed paths.

So desperate times call for desperate measures.

I'm taking matters into my own hands.

Like I said, I'm not proud of some of the shit I have to do, okay.