Title: She Will Never Know
Rating:
Spoilers: 7th season, Sein Und Zeit and
Closure
Disclaimer: These characters are not mine… You know the drill.
Summary: Mulder is comforted by Scully in the late
hours of the night. And there is
something that hurts him so…and he can never tell her…
I watch her face. Her expression is hard, and untrusting. Not peaceful, not happy, not even
content. I wonder if maybe I have
caused this expression that is carved into her sleeping face. Have I made her sleep this way? Have I caused what seems like her
unhappiness?
I want to
reach out and touch her face, but I know that I will wake her. She needs sleep. I need sleep. But
I won't. I need to stay awake; there is
nothing in sleep for me, only nightmares, haunting every image behind my closed
eyes. And I wonder. Wonder if she dreams when she sleeps, wonder
if she does dream what her dreams are of. Does she dream of peaceful things? Or is she plagued with nightmares like myself? I hope she isn't, I couldn't bear it. I fear it, as I fear my own sleep, my own
nightmares, and my own unhappiness.
And I
realize that she has softly spoken my name.
"Mulder?"
"Shh… Go back to sleep." I say.
"What are
you doing?" She asks me sleepily.
"I was just
checking on you." I say, but it is only half of the truth. I needed to see her, like I need to see her
every night just to make sure that she is okay. But she doesn't turn her eyes away from me, or close them. I know that my eyes have betrayed the smile
I gave, and I have to look down.
"Mulder,
what's wrong?" She asks me softly. I
gently shake my head. She doesn't
believe me. She sits up and puts her
hand on mine. She asks me again,
"Mulder…please… What's wrong? Tell me."
I look up, into her eyes, and I don't even have to answer. She already knows. She can see my pain.
She gently
pulls me into a hug, and I rest my head on her shoulder. Before I can stop them my tears are falling
onto her satin pajama top, and quiet sobs are escaping my throat. She holds my head to her shoulder and
soothes me.
"Shh… It's going to be okay…" She whispers.
I want to
believe her, I really want to. But I
can't. The pain is almost too much for
me to handle at all. My mother, and my
sister… my Samantha… both of them are gone. My father, as well. I am
the last…
I lift my
head from her shoulder to look at her, and her eyes are sad. They are sad for me, and sad for my
loss. Sad for herself. She beckons me to stand up from the side of
her bed where I am kneeling. And I
do. She draws back the covers, and I
slip beneath them. Immediately her arms
are around me, comforting me as I cry.
She holds me, rocks me, but it is no salvation from my pain. The loss of my mother and sister are not the
only pain I suffer from. The other pain
I feel, is the pain of unrequited. The
unrequited love I feel for this woman comforting me, the woman who has put her
comforting, caring arms around me so many times that I have lost count. She is my best friend. And she is so much more. She is all that has any real meaning in my
life.
"Scully…" I
whisper, through my tears.
Her arms
tighten around me, trying to ease my pain.
I put my arms around her, pulling her tight against me, needing to feel
her close. Needing to feel that she is
real.
And I cry,
silently now, in her arms. I love
her. I love her more than I could ever
explain. I love her more than a best
friend should. I love her like a man
loves a woman. But she can never
know. I can never tell her. If she knew, her life would be in more
danger.
I love her…
and she will never know.
