I'm tugging at my hair
I'm pulling at my clothes
I'm trying to keep my cool
I know it shows
I'm staring at my feet
My cheeks are turning red
I'm searching for the words inside my head
I can feel my cheeks turning red as I tug at my hair and pull at my clothes. The stupid cowlick that I never had an issue with before seemed much too large and unattractive now and my favorite bomber jacket was over a tight white shirt and a pair of skinny jeans causing me to look fat. Shrugging off the jacket, I see my wimpy looking arms with far too many scars from the attacks on my country like Pearl Harbor and 9/11. Putting the jacket back on, I try and banish the vibrant blush appearing under my bright blue eyes hidden by glasses. I hear my doorbell ring and drag myself from the mirror to answer the door.
On the other side of that door is a god that makes me feel even worse about my outfit choice and untamed hair. I duck down my head and start fidgeting while that cursed blush covers my face once again.
"Hello Alfred." A deep voice crashes over me at the greeting. I glance up at my… gulp… boyfriend… before ducking again while searching for an appropriate response.
"H-hello, Ivan." I meekly let out. I know immediately that I said the wrong thing; otherwise I wouldn't feel so awkward, right? I mean all I want is to be perfect for my lover. I had spent fifty years secretly wishing to voice my desire to be his before I was asked by the god in front of me only a week ago. This was our first date and all I could see was his perfect body, the one worth every tense year I waited to have.
(Cause) I'm feeling nervous If I could say what I want to say
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you're worth it
You're worth it
Yeah
I'd say I wanna blow you... away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down
On one knee
Marry me today
Guess, I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say
I could remember everything I wanted to say to him over those lonely fifty years. The times I had to leave the room in the middle of a meeting because his focus on the speaker made me want to jump him and make him focus that smoldering gaze on me. I wanted to blow my Russia, my Ivan, away and drag him into my bed every night: to cuddle, to talk, and to do… other stuff. I could imagine us together in a perfect world where my only fear was when he would go down on one knee and ask me for my hand. Where we could have a big white wedding with sunflowers and Ivan could marry me. I decided I was wishing my life away on things that would never happen then. Now, I am simply wasting my life on things I could never say.
It don't do me any good
It's just a waste of time
What use is it to you
What's on my mind
If it ain't coming out
We're not going anywhere
So why can't I just tell you that I care
Focusing back on my god that would never marry me, I listen and ignore every thought on my mind. What use is it to him that I want to kiss him and hold his hand? I could never tell him that I care for him; there is no way he loves me after all.
(Cause) I'm feeling nervous If I could say what I want to say
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you're worth it
You're worth it
Yeah
I'd say I wanna blow you... away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down
On one knee
Marry me today
Guess, I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~One year later~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's wrong with my tongue
These words keep slipping away
I stutter, I stumble
Like I've got nothing to say
(Cause) I'm feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you're worth it
You're worth it
Yeah
What is wrong with me? Every time I try to tell my boyfriend, no my soul mate, I love him the words slip away. I end up stuttering out sentences that completely ruin what mood there was. I think Ivan doesn't know I love him and thinks I am using him after all this time. I guess I'm wishing my life away with these things I'll never say.
If I could say what I want to say, I'd say I want to blow you away, be with you every night. Am I squeezing you too tight? If I could say what I want to see, I want to see you go down on one knee. Marry me today.
Guess, I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say
These things I'll never say