Written by A Clockwork Pumelo
I don't own Naruto or any of the associated characters, they belong to their rightful creator, Massahi Kishimoto.
I worked really, really hard on this story. It is my first fanfiction attempt, and I would really appreciate any constructive criticism that comes my way. I would like to thank my humanities teachers for the hours of boredom that gave birth to this monstrosity, and the writing seminars wasted to nurture its growth and proliferation. Be warned: this piece of fan fiction features LOTS of Kabuto and Sasuke bashing, and a little fluffiness involving Kimimaro and Orochimaru if you really, truly want there to be. Of course, it is also pure crack. Happy reading!
Orochimaru was bored. With Sasuke out in the training fields running himself into the ground and Kabuto in his lab, the snake Sannin had absolutely nothing to do. Or maybe there is something to amuse me in this kamiforsaken place, he thought. Kabuto had recently brought home a machine. He called it a computer, and had acquired it on one of his missions, he said. Yawning and stretching luxuriously, the creepy old snake made his way to Kabuto's quarters. The computer was sitting on the bedside table, with a long electrical cord snaking to one of the wall outlets. Sickly pale hands cradled the notebook pc and the cord wrapped around one arm, and as a final thought the modem joined too. The snake man whistled a bit as he plopped down onto the overstuffed couch that dominated the sitting room.
With little difficulty, Orochimaru flipped the laptop open and ogled at the keyboard. There were so many buttons... which should he push? After poking some of the letter keys for a bit, he spied a rather larger button near what he presumed were speaker grids. When he pushed it, it lit up! If anyone could have seen the childish glee on the Sannin's face, which someone did, they would have surely collapsed in wild fits of laughter. But Sasuke was not affected (being the emo little brat he was), other than making a mild sound of disapproval at his mentor wasting time not training him. He decided that he'd used all the Chidori he could for the day, and settled to watch his snake sensei discover the wild world of the internet.
Orochimaru was fascinated by the computer. The screen had lit up, and now he was tracing a long finger over a little square pad beneath the keyboard, marveling at how a miniature arrow on the screen mimicked his movements exactly. There were little pictures on the desktop, and he moved the arrow over one that looked like an orange fox of some sort. Maybe this has something to do with that one brat in the orange jumpsuit... the one that always ends up somehow kicking my butt... the one that seems determined to get my Sasuke back and keep him in the leaf village... He tapped the touch pad and instantly the screen changed. It was mostly white, with a graphic of a fox in the middle, and a little space where he assumed words or commands were supposed to go. There was also a dark blue bit at the top, with tiny letters spelling out "FireFox". This must have something to do with the Kyuubi brat! He thought, tapping the letter keys to spell out "Naruto" and hitting the button that said Search.
The machine hummed momentarily, and lists of information began to pour down the page. He clicked the first one, and was presented with a screen full of text. Reading a bit of it, he found that he was mentioned, and decided to read more...
By the time the snake Sannin had read to the bottom of the page, his skin had turned a nice shade of pastel violet. His brain reeled at the images he'd seen in the writing. Realizing his long tongue had flopped out of his mouth some time ago in disgust, he reeled it back in and scraped his jaw off the flagstones.
"What has been seen... cannot be unseen..." he muttered, mentally reviewing the accounts of what he had been written to do with Sasuke, Naruto, Sakura, Kabuto, Jiriya, even Kakashi! The list went on and on, in graphic, horribly explicit detail. I'd never do that to Sasuke! he thought as he reread a particularly disgusting account of himself sodomizing his prize student. That's going to be my body someday... that's horrible!
Sasuke, spying through the crack in the drapes, gazed through the computer screen with spinning Sharingan eyes, reading the text backwards, transfixed in horror. I am NOT a uke! I don't even know what an "uke" even is, but from the look of it , it's pretty horrible! I'm not even GAY! That one time I made out with Shikamaru was because I was drunk off my arse!
Then he spied Kabuto in the high window directly behind Orochimaru, glasses peeking over the sill between his hands. The medical ninja shifted slightly, muting the reflections in his lenses and revealing horrified eyes. Oh, Kami, he thought, they know everything! All my fantasies, all my dreams, even my little scuffle with Kakashi! I am so sorry I ever brought that evil piece of metallic junk into the hideout. I must destroy it, and save my honor!
Kabuto picked out the red, glowing eyes of Sasuke that were hidden from his master's view by the infernal laptop, and blanched to match the shines on his spectacles. Dropping quickly from the window ledge, the medic nin Flickered around the outer wall of the hideout, ending up behind Sasuke. He quickly jammed a syringe of sedative into the boy's shoulder and put his hand over Sasuke's mouth until the teen was quiet. Hiding Sasuke in some bushes, Kabuto prayed he'd be able to somehow get the computer away from his master and destroy it.
Orochimaru heard a slight scuffle outside, and assumed it was Kabuto checking security, or maybe Sasuke trying a new jutsu. His next click took him to a story involving himself and Kimimaro. Fortunately, this story wasn't one of the dirty ones. Damn... I haven't so much as checked on that guy in weeks, useless as he is. What was left of the man was still in his ICU following being dug up after his fight with Sandy Pants (Orochimaru's least profane reference to Gaara) , so the Snake decided he should probably go and have a word with him. Clicking a bit farther down, he found a touching story about Kimimaro and Tayuya. Knowing they'd been as close to friends as any of his minions were, Orochimaru unplugged the laptop and made for Kabuto's domain.
Hearing the soft rustle of fabric from inside the hideout, Kabuto turned to look through the window Sasuke had used. Seeing his master rise and head for his quarters, the gray haired spy dropped Sasuke, whom he had been hoisting up to hang several feet above the ground from a tree branch. He sprinted out of the bushes, leaves and twigs embedding themselves into his silver ponytail. Oh, crap, crap CRAP!!!! He read the stories, and now he's going to search my quarters and find all the nasty things I have there!!! Smacking into the door to the hideout, Kabuto's glasses went flying into an ornamental pond by the porch, where they were immediately seized and towed away by a humongous, flesh-eating koi. This would normally not have been a problem, seeing as he had perfect 20/20 vision. But right now, it left his expressive eyes uncovered, displaying to all the panic he felt. CRAP!!! thought the disheveled Kabuto, wrenching the door open and swiftly creeping into the hall, intent on nothing but destroying the foul computer and keeping his master out of his rooms at all cost.
As Orochimaru peered into the dimly lit intensive care unit, he could just barely see the form of his ailing once-soon-to-be-body. Stepping into the room, the Snake got a better look at Kimimaro, and wished he hadn't. The once strapping young man was emaciated, ribs visible even through the sheet draped across him, hip bones carving sharp points against the thin material. As he drew closer to the shrouded figure, the Sannin saw Kimimaro's chest rise and fall a bit faster, as though he had sensed the presence of another and wanted to look at least somewhat alive for the occasion. He quietly pulled up a rolling chair that had been in front of the computer terminals, and opened the laptop, setting it on the bedside table. He began to read to his once treasured student, a happy story about Kimimaro and Tayuya, and some of the better times they'd shared together on two-man missions and the training grounds. The rise and fall of the sheets slowed, as though Kimimaro were savoring some real memory of his own, and not a mere story. Finishing a particularly sappy paragraph about Kimimaro teaching her some new jutsu, he felt a gentle touch on his elbow. He looked over to see the sick Kaguya, arm wavering slightly with the effort to maintain contact with his beloved ex-sensei.
"How did you know that I did that? I-" a fit of coughing cut Kimimaro's words off, making the IV lines dotted over his arms shake slightly. "I... you always seemed to think we..." More coughing. "-hated each other. And what's that thing? And why-"
Orochimaru could feel the frail hand tightening on his arm in pain as Kimimaro succumbed to another fit of coughing, shaking his head to dislodge the sheet that covered his face. Another spasm wracked the thin body, and the snake Sannin grimaced in discomfort as fingers bit into his bicep. At last the digits relaxed, and Kimimaro turned his head slightly so he could see his master.
Meanwhile, Kabuto was listening at the door and quietly having a nervous breakdown. Oh, gods, what did I do to deserve this?!!!??! He's questioning Kimimaro, and knowing that guy, he'll tell him everything! The spectacle-less Kabuto slumped down the door frame and assumed the fetal position usually used by Sasuke when he was pouting at Orochimaru for not training with him more than eight hours a day.
Observing the once handsome face, Orochimaru couldn't help but let a solitary pang of pity for Kimimaro cut through his cold snake's heart. The boy's hair was disheveled, and one of the carved clasps he'd given Kimimaro as a boy was missing, discarded on the bedside table. The hair it had been meant to hold was partially tucked behind one ear, a few sweat slicked strands falling haphazardly across his forehead and eyes. Kimimaro blinked groggily at his idol, sea green eyes dull against the scarlet clan markings that framed them. Orochimaru noticed a long string of blood trailing from one corner of Kimimaro's half open mouth, down to the pillow where it spread across the fabric and his hair, staining the silky strands a dull crimson. Deciding that he might as well be nice to the invalid and not wanting to get any blood splattered all over his new tunic, Orochimaru opened his own mouth, extending his tongue. He groped around a bit, and found what he was looking for on the shelf behind him. He deposited the paper on Kimimaro's chest, and handed (or tongueded) him a pen.
Somewhere outside, Sasuke came to and rolled over, staring up at the watery sunshine penetrating through the bushes above him. He was aware of two things: First, his legs and arms were bound tightly together. Second, his whole rear end was hurting so badly he could barely move without making himself cry. Oh, Kami, I must have been raped by Kabuto, just like that story said... Itachi, sorry, you've temporarily been demoted to second place on my People to Kill List. Biting his lip to keep from screaming, Sasuke managed to twist around enough to reach one of his kunai and cut the ropes that bound him. He then collapsed on the leaf strewn ground, groaning in pain.
"Here, Kimimaro-kun. Don't talk. You'll only make yourself cough more. Just write whatever you want to say. And here," He groped around some more on another shelf with his tongue, finding a box of tissues and grabbing one, then delicately wiping the blood and drool off the others face with it.
Kimimaro started to write. "Thank you. I was wondering if you'd forgotten me. Apparently not. I know that I'm useless to you as a body by now, and I've exhausted all my physical strength to bring you your next body, but I was wondering, why do you let me live still, if I'm useless?" He shifted his head just slightly to look up at his master with pleading green eyes.
"Why, Kimimaro-kun, you're not totally useless... you just have to wait until I need you for something other than your body. Don't worry, boy, you still have some value to me." With those words, he detached the hand still clinging lightly to his arm, and held it in his even paler one. Too bad he was having trouble thinking up something for Kimimaro to do that wouldn't involve him having to actually move. But he wasn't about to let that on. Now, his serpentine eyes met lush green ones that were brighter with a faint sparkle of hope. His right hand went to the others hair, gently gathering the loose strands. He reached out with his tongue, finding the carved clasp on the nightstand, and transferring it to his hand expertly. He closed it about the fine platinum locks. He noticed a single tear run down the boy's cheek before Kimimaro gathered all his remaining strength, flinging an arm up to drape over Orochimaru's back in an awkward half-hug. His other hand began to write again.
"I'm so happy that I can still be useful to you, Orochimaru-sama. Just tell me what I must do. I will be useful, even if it kills me. Well, even more than this last time" Reading the note, the snake Sannin decided to break policy and actually hug back. It wouldn't matter soon, and anything he could do to make Kimimaro happy was okay, if it meant he'd put in more effort when he was needed. The Snake felt when sobs turned into another fit of violent coughing, and released the younger man just in time to feel a light spray of blood splatter on the shoulder of his shirt. Kimimaro fell back, bouncing slightly on the cot as he coughed up more and more blood, eyes screwed up in pain.
"I'll go get Kabuto, Kimi-kun. Try not to die again, ok?" The Snake turned and made for the door, sandals clacking on the stone floor, computer forgotten.
Hearing the coughing from inside, Kabuto stood up and cracked the door, peering through onto a most peculiar scene. Instead of the bloody torture and questioning he had supposed Kimimaro was going through, it appeared that Orochimaru wasn't doing anything of the sort. His master was reading to the useless lump of flesh known as Kimimaro! He could tell by the cadence of his master's voice that it was a happy story, probably about Kimimaro and Tayuya. Those two lovebirds, he thought with disgust, Always acting like they hated each other's guts and complaining about sharing missions... and Orochimaru-sama wonders why they always packed lightly- they were always sharing a blanket! As his master finished the story, he saw an arm extend from the sheets covering it, and grab his master's arm! A Vein pulsed in his temple as Kabuto was overcome by rage and jealousy. When his master's tongue snaked out, he was sure that Orochimaru-sama was going to kiss the Kaguya... but the tongue curled up and grabbed writing materials, giving them to Kimimaro. The vein throbbed harder and Kabuto's eye twitched when his master took a tissue and wiped the blood off the boy's mouth oh-so-carefully and lovingly. Kabuto thought he'd die of jealousy when Kimimaro wrapped a weak arm around his master and actually hugged him. Kabuto wished that he'd gotten to that useless brat a few minutes later, so that he would be dead right now, instead of touching his master. Apoplectic with fury, he turned on one heel and began to stalk off down the hall, picking twigs out of his hair as he went. If he loves the little freak so much why doesn't he just marry him?!?!??! The sound of his master's footsteps approaching fast from behind made the sliver haired ninja freeze.
Realizing he'd been passed out for a while now, Sasuke cursed himself and his foolish weakness. What was pain, anyway, besides an entirely unnecessary response to physical harm? Dragging himself out of the bushes by his arms, the Uchiha swore he'd kill Kabuto on sight.
When he'd turned around, Orochimaru had glimpsed the sheen of Kabuto's silver ponytail, and as he followed the Medical ninja, he realized that his hair was full of twigs and leaf litter. Maybe that was him and Sasuke I heard earlier... never mind what they might have been doing for Kabuto to have the forest floor in his hair... ughghghgh... he thought, catching up to his assistant and placing a firm hand on his shoulder. When Kabuto turned around, the snake Sannin realized that something must be very wrong. Kabuto didn't have his glasses on. And he appeared to have been... crying? Oh well, he thought with a sigh, one of his... experiments probably went haywire again. Time for that later.
"Kabuto-san, I need you to tend to Kimimaro-kun immediately. His condition appears to be taking a turn for the worse. Oh, and when you're done with that, go find that pesky student of mine, and tell him that I'm going to train him into the ground tomorrow, as promised. Why are you looking at me like that Kabuto? Did Sasuke give you another concussion with that Chidori of his?" The Snake stared at his assistant, who was gaping like a fish and pointing at him. Raising his hand, the Snake picked a leaf out of Kabuto's hair, inspecting it. To his surprise, the man's expression darkened, and he pushed past his master towards Kimimaro's rooms with an angrily muttered "Fine, Orochimaru- Sama, if you like him so much..." His experiments must have gone badly, if that's what kind of mood he's in... Or maybe I still don't even want to think about it... Shrugging, Orochimaru continued down the hall, intent on first finding a fresh shirt, and then locating his Sasuke-kun.
His Sasuke-kun just happened to be inching towards one of the hideout's entrances at that moment, streaks of blue profanity coloring the air around him. Sasuke had never cussed this much in his life, but it helped to distract him from the buzzing, throbbing mass of pain that was his lower back and butt.
Tossing his shirt into the hamper marked "Ruined", Orochimaru turned back to the mirror and made a muscle at it, grinning to himself. He flexed his other arm, watching his muscles ripple under cold, grayish purple skin. Mwahaha! You sexy, evil beast you! Soon, you'll take over THE WORLD!!!... and certainly look good doing it too. Just think of all the snakey babes, fawning over you... oh yeah. Looking at the clock, and at the rust colored stains on one knee of his pants where Kimimaro's blood had dripped off his shirt, he decided he had time for a little bit of relaxation. Reaching into a pocket, he drew out a cassette tape and inserted it into a small tape player. Incidentally, this tape player was hooked up to several high- wattage speakers and no less than three subwoofers scattered around various parts of the room. Pushing "play" the snake man stripped off his pants in one fluid motion, also flinging them into the "Ruined" basket. All that was left was a pair of black silk boxers. He was the Great Snake Sannin for Kami sakes, of course he wore black silk boxers(Egyptian silk, with an astronomical thread count no less!). As rolling bass filled the room, Lord Orochimaru began to dance, gyrating his body and reaching for his favorite hair brush to use as a microphone.
"Iiii'm too sexy for my shiiiirrrrt, too sexy for my shirt, so sex-y it huuuuurrrrrrrts," he crooned, gazing back at the mirror over his shoulder and admiring his boxer-clad butt. "Iiii'm too sexy for my carrrrrrr, too sexy for my car, too sex-y by farrrrrrrrrr," He turned to face the mirror, whirling his ebony locks in a dramatic swirl about his head, dancing and moving his hips in a way that could only be described as inappropriate, if not downright lewd. After some more hair flipping and butt-shaking, the song ended and Orochimaru put his hair brush away, then found some fresh clothes and put them on. Time to find Sasuke.
Kabuto huffed into Kimimaro's quarters, scolded the boy soundly for messing up the sheets, and turned a few dials on his machines to drip more sedatives and medications into Kimimaro. After staying around barely long enough to make sure he was stable, Kabuto slammed the door on the useless teen, and made for the grounds. I just need a walk... to sort this all out... blow off some steam... yeah... Kabuto fumed as he made his way outside. Hmm, I should probably check on Sasuke too... I'll never hear the end of it if I ever damage my master's pretty little Sasuke-kun.
The pretty little Sasuke-kun was now trying to open one of the doors to the secret hideout, and not having much success. When he flopped against the wood of the door, exhausted, he noticed a pair of glasses being batted around the small pond by the door by two over-sized Koi, apparently in a heated game of steroid-fueled glasses-pong. A figure rounding the corner of the wall broke him away from the spectacle. Seeing it was Kabuto, his eyes immediately transformed into their Sharingan state, whirling angrily. Propping himself on the door, the teenager gruffly called out "Hey, Kabuto, mind getting the effing door for me?!?!!" As Kabuto raced over, Sasuke hid one hand behind his back, calling up all the chakra he could muster. As soon as the silver-haired ninja was within a few feet of him, Sasuke struck, burying a handful of sparking Chidori in the others stomach.
Kabuto was taken entirely by surprise, and gasped as he felt the lightning hot burn seep through his lower abdomen. Damn it, he got my friggen kidney. And my intestines. And my spleen, let's not forget that. Kabuto thought, already calling up his healing chakra and using the hand that was not clutching at his guts to slam another vial of sedative into Sasuke's shoulder. The boy screamed as he was rocked back by the force of Kabuto's lunge, and crumpled into an unconscious heap. Kabuto fell in the opposite direction, still charging and releasing healing chakra into the gaping hole under his fingers. He just managed to heal himself fully before blacking out.
Orochimaru found the pair of unconscious ninja a few minutes later, and tutted to himself as he hauled them, one for each arm, into the hideout. It would never do to have bodies, living or dead, lying around. They drew too much attention. Depositing each on an infirmary bed, the Snake waited, then got bored. He didn't know why Sasuke had attacked Kabuto, or why Kabuto had had to subdue Sasuke with a tranquilizer vial, but it didn't matter. Snapping his volume of Ich-Icha Paradise shut, he decided he'd check on Kimimaro for a bit, and see if he'd thought of any ways to be useful without the benefit of being able to move yet.
Kabuto awoke first, realized where he was and the time, and reached over to Sasuke, jabbing yet another sedative dart into the teen's shoulder. Good thing he always packed at least half a dozen on him at all times. He then got up, found a spare set of clothes to replace his blood-soaked ones, and started searching for his master.
Kimimaro was actually conscious when the door to his room opened, admitting his ex-sensei. "Paper," was all he said, but Orochimaru understood, and complied graciously to the request, wincing as he saw how caked with blood the others face was. If Kimimaro wanted to talk, then he could talk. And maybe it would help with figuring out what was wrong with Kabuto and Sasuke.
"Where's the computer?" the Snake asked Kimimaro. Scribbling, and then, "He took it. I don't know where. Said it was evil and knew all his secrets. Can you get all this blood off my face? Can't reach the tissues." Again, the Sannin complied with the request, blotting and scrubbing gently to get the worst of the filth off. All the while, Kimimaro's hands were moving, as he turned the paper over to continue writing on the back.
"You need to have a talk with Kabuto about abusing his colleagues. I had to actually get up and turn the IV's down myself. I swear, he wants me to die of an overdose. Also, Kabuto said something about Sasuke being after him and having something to do with the computer. You found them? Well, get back to them, because they are probably trying to kill each other by now. Can I have another hug?" He looked up at the snake man with big, red-rimmed puppy eyes. He was rewarded with another gentle embrace, as well as an admonition not to start coughing. Orochimaru lowered the fragile body back down to it's cot, and whisked the old sheet away, bringing in a fresh one to cover the now shivering Kimimaro. He tucked the material up to the pale boy's chin, but did not cover his face with it as Kabuto had done. Kimimaro's hands stirred fretfully and he made a few underscores on the part of his writing about finding Sasuke and Kabuto. "Okay, okay, I'll go find them. You sleep. I may have a mission for you in the morning." Kimimaro happily closed his eyes and obeyed. At least he might get to be useful in the morning... maybe he could be a paper weight... or a crash test dummy... or maybe just an interesting conversation piece for dinner guests if they moved his cot upstairs... oh, wait, Orochimaru never had dinner parties...
Just outside the door, Kabuto slammed headlong into his master, toppling both of them to the ground in a tangle of limbs. With a snarl, Orochimaru rolled away from his clumsy subordinate, ready to beat him soundly for his transgression of Lord Orochimaru's Personal Bubble, but stopped at the wild, scared look in Kabuto's eyes.
"Oh, gods, he's gonna kill me! Master, go talk to Sasuke-kun... he's coming this way" Kabuto had slid behind his master and was now peering out from within the loop of one side of the ridiculous bow-shaped belt he wore. Sure enough, Sasuke was staggering down the passage towards them, a huge, flickering mass of Chidori writhing from his hand.
"Where... is... that... BASTARD?!?!!?" Looking at his prize student, Orochimaru noticed that he was sweating, and seemed to be in a lot of pain. "Where... is... that... piece... of... trash... that... RAPED ME?!!??!?" Raped? What the... The snake man had just enough time to dodge the deadly mass of chakra and move Kabuto out of the way as Sasuke charged towards them, teeth bared, an utterly mad expression plastered on a face that was already distorted by pain.
"Kabuto! You sack of scum! Orochimaru-sama! Get out of the way! Your assistant raped me in the butt!" He didn't finish the sentence, having tripped over his own feet and sprawled, face first, onto the stone floor, unconscious. Orochimaru turned to face Kabuto, who had been cowering behind him. "Did you-?"
"NO! I swear I didn't!" the terrified ninja threw up his hands to protect himself.
"Then what did you do, Kabuto?" Orochimaru grabbed Kabuto by his quivering chin, and brought his face within inches of the other. The Sannin's voice was low and threatening, promising years of endless torture if his questions were not answered to his liking.
"I don't know, honestly," The hand gripped harder. "He was spying on your while you were reading stories on the computer, and-" the fingers bit into his flesh, bruising.
"And you know that I was reading stories, how, exactly?" Kabuto heard the hiss in the voice, and saw the snakelike pupils of his master's eyes contract in rage.
"I- I was watching him, and I ended up watching you too... I...Let me..." He pried the fingers off his jaw, and bent down to examine Sasuke. "I read some of the stories you were reading, and they were horrible, and I saw Sasuke, and I saw that one story and thought it might give him ideas, and then I-"
"You knocked him out, tied him up, and came in her to steal the computer and admit the fact that you're as gay as a fruitcake and have had a thing for me ever since Sasori gave you to me as a present?" Orochimaru arched an eyebrow at his subordinate. "Kabuto, Kabuto, you know I'm not stupid. Just find out what's wrong with my Sasuke, and be snappy about it."
Kabuto's mouth dropped open as he knelt to examine the unconscious body of the Uchiha. He said that he'd been butt raped... I wonder... working his fingers down the boy's lower back, Kabuto felt for the vertebrae and found just what he'd expected.
"His coccyx is broken in three places, Orochimaru-sama. No wonder he thought I must have raped him. I happen to be a doctor, and that has got to hurt." Kabuto straightened up with the Uchiha over one shoulder.
"You broke him???" The whisper was a deadly hiss.
"Hehe... I must have dropped him wrong... don't kill me, Orochimaru-sama... he'll be good as new after a month or two in a butt sling..." Kabuto hurried off towards the infirmary at a swift gallop. Hearing a snicker coming from the door to Kimimaro's quarters, he wheeled and yelled, "What's so damn funny, bonehead?!?!?"
"F-f-f- FRUITCAKE!!!" the Kaguya guffawed, pounding one fist weakly on the nightstand, the other trying to stifle his laughter.
"Alright, everyone, I think Kimimaro really needs some company, if he thinks that's funny..." The snake man sighed. "Kabuto, you set up a few extra cots in Kimi-kun's room."
When Sasuke came to, he realized that he was once again tied up, and Kabuto Yakushi was standing over him. Struggling madly, the Uchiha found he was also gagged. "...and I'm really sorry I dropped you on your tailbone, but it'll heal. It'll take a lot quicker if you stop trying to struggle though..."
"You didn't rape me?" was what he said about ten minutes later, after listening to Kabuto's lecture about vertebrae and all the horrible things that could happen to his butt bone if he continued to struggle. He resigned himself to nodding and smiling halfheartedly. Then, Kimimaro asked, "Hey, where's the computer?"
Everyone froze. Then Kabuto brought out a scroll sheepishly, bit his thumb, and produced the machine in a puff of smoke. Orochimaru connected the internet cable, and the others watched as he clicked the Firefox icon. This time, Kimimaro wrote that he wanted to give it a go. He typed in "Naruto", and this time clicked on the second result: Naruto shippuden. All four ohhed and ahhed as a moving picture of the Kyuubi filled the screen, shouting obscenities at one of Orochimaru's late Akatsuki partners. the little blue bar at the top of the screen read "Youtube .com".
Kimimaro smiled. Apparently, he had found a purpose, and that was to be the internet surfer in Orochimaru's hideout.