Summary: Hooni, a depressed high schooler, attempts to hang himself but finds that his body's natural reaction to choking is more embarrassing than he anticipated. If only he had some way to protect against that…

Notice: This chapter contains suicide, hanging, cutting, bullying, abuse, wetting, and diapers.

o-o-o-o

"An orphan without parents…" he said, stepping onto the short folding table.

"...With a household debt of ₩50,000,000," he continued, maneuvering the rope under his chin. "...and ₩7,049 in the bank. Rent postponed indefinitely, currently 3 months behind."

Despite his massive smile, tears were now running down his face.

"...On top of that, a loser hikikomori… I never had a chance anyway," he said, speaking to no one and feeling nothing but comfort. This was his usual suicide mantra; what he said when he decided he'd finally had enough of living and he was taking steps to end his suffering once and for all, permanently. He'd said it many times already.

He kept going as he slipped his entire head into the loop and let it settle on his neck. "I was suffering ever since I was young. I had an abusive, drunkard of a father while my mother died of an early illness. Between the hospital fees and my father's gambling habits, we racked up a huge debt. And so my father abandoned me."

His content smile was fading into a look of profound sadness as he finished his mantra. He had one more line. 17-year-old high school student, Lee Hoon (AKA Hooni,) spoke his last words: "I have no future! This is the only path for me!"

He kicked the side of the table, forcing one of the legs to fold up and drop his neck to rest in the loop of the rope. The noose tightened around his throat; it cut off his oxygen and threatened to crush the boy's windpipe. His hands instinctively clawed at his neck, trying to rip himself free and make a clear passage to breathe. His legs, meanwhile, kicked furiously below him as they tried to find something to stand on, something to take the immense pain off of his neck.

And the pain, it was truly immense. He gasped, partially for air and partially as an instinct to call out for help. He'd tried to hang himself before and failed because of the pain, he wasn't about to make the same mistake. He knew if he chickened out this second time he'd truly be pathetic.

As his consciousness and life slipped away from him he began to feel numb, the pain vanished momentarily and all he could think about was how he'd finally be free from his misery. But, without the pain, he became aware of another sensation he was feeling. A warm liquid was spreading around his crotch and streaming down his leg.

'Pee?!' he thought to himself, unable to speak. A vision flashed in his mind: Soorim, his friend and the son of his landlord, coming into the room and discovering Hooni, only for him to laugh when he saw Hooni had pissed himself.

This he could not abide. The frail, black haired boy reached into the waistband of his shorts and pulled out a pair of scissors. He used the last ounce of strength he had to wildly snip above his head, only to come crashing down onto the 3 legs of the table when the blades finally found the rope. He dropped the scissors and grabbed his throat, coughing and wheezing as he tried to get his breath back.

It took him a minute to finally be able to breathe with some regularity, then it took him a little while longer to gather his thoughts. "I'm alive…" he said, equal parts bitter about failing to kill himself (again) and scarred about what would have happened if he hadn't cut himself free. Then he remembered why he cut himself free in the first place.

Hooni looked down at his black, cotton shorts. The stain in front was hardly noticeable on the dark fabric but by now the cloth had turned cold and was sticking to his legs. He also realized his butt was wet, too. He wasn't sure if he'd made a puddle when he peed himself while dangling from the rope and fallen into it or if he'd continued wetting his pants after he cut himself free. Either way, he didn't much care for the feeling.

He would have started crying if it weren't for the fact that he'd already been crying for hours before this. Instead, he sat in his own urine, lamenting his life and how miserable he was. He cursed the world for putting him in this situation and he knew if he were to continue on in life he would have to change something.

After sitting there for what seemed like forever, Hooni finally noticed the smell of pee emanating from his shorts and came to his senses. The first thing he'd need to change was his pants, he couldn't risk Soorim or Jaehoon making a surprise visit and seeing him sitting around crying about pissing himself. He slipped off his shorts and underwear, trying to be careful not to touch the wet parts with his hands. Lacking towels or other cleaning supplies, he used the dry parts of his pee soaked clothing to mop up the puddle he'd left on the table.

Then, bare-bottomed, he took down the rest of his noose and threw the rope fragments in a trash bag. He removed his shirt and brought his soiled clothes with him into the shower to try and clean himself and the only pair of shorts he owned as best as he could. Sadly, he found it difficult to really clean without any hot water. He kicked himself for choosing to pay his electricity instead of his gas this month.

Finally, when he was finished, he hung up his "clean" shorts and briefs and stepped into some old underwear. He lacked anything to cover them, however, so for the rest of the day his bare legs and pathetic underoos served as a constant reminder that he'd pissed his pants and failed to die. This only increased his resolve and he became certain he couldn't bare to live with this humiliation. Thus, he began forming a plan for how he could finally kill himself with dignity.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Hooni was a cutter. He cut himself when he was sad, he cut when he was hungry, he cut when he was angry, and he cut himself last night after wetting his pants. The problem, though, was that after cutting he had to bandage the wound. So Hooni, being immensely and perpetually poor, found himself raiding the school's infirmary at the start of every week to get his supply of bandages.

In that regard, this morning was no different. What was different, however, is that Hooni needed one more piece to finish his suicide puzzle. If hanging caused him to void his bladder then all he'd need to do was put a layer of protection between his crotch and his pants, that way if Soorim discovers him he will merely see his hanging, dead body and not his piss covered shorts.

He shoved a roll of bandages into his backpack and searched the medical cabinet for the right tool. He often searched the cabinet looking for sharp objects or drugs that would help him kill himself, to no avail, but when he did he'd occasionally find a strange item that gave him pause: diapers.

He laughed the first time he saw them. After all, this was a high school. He wondered what kind of loser would still need diapers at his age. Now, as he desperately searched the cabinet in need of diapers, the irony was completely lost on him.

Eventually he found the package in the very back of the top shelf. He held it up to see and triumphantly declared "Aha!" before realizing how that would look if anyone else came in. He quickly shoved the package back into the cabinet and looked around, making sure he was still alone. After confirming it was just him, he gently opened the package and placed one of the folded up, white diapers in his bag. He quickly shut the cabinet and zipped up his backpack before heading to the exit when he stopped, realizing a danger he had not yet considered: the bullies.

Hooni was bullied every single day, without fail. Sometimes they would merely hurt him, other times they would mug him, and often they'd take whatever they needed or wanted from his backpack. It became obvious that keeping the diaper in his bag would be way too dangerous, he'd have to find another way to keep it on him. Somewhere the bullies would never think to look.

The reality of the situation quickly dawned on Hooni but he was hesitant to accept this as his only solution. He considered his other options for a moment but decided he truly had no other choice, he'd have to wear the diaper all day if he was to get home with it. When he was younger this wouldn't have worked, being pantsed used to be a major problem for him. But now, in high school, his classmates seemed over such childish antics. So long as he was careful, he figured he could go the entire day without anyone realizing he was wearing a diaper.

Hooni sighed as he turned on his heel and walked away from the door and toward a bed. His hands were trembling as he drew the curtain around the bed and took the diaper out of his bag. He examined the thick plastic undergarment, his hands shaking with nerves as he considered the possibility of being caught. He reasoned it was still early in the morning, though. The school nurse hadn't arrived yet and usually no students stopped by before the bell, since waiting until school started to go to the infirmary meant getting out of classes. Nonetheless, he had to hurry.

He unfolded the diaper and placed it on the bed, trying to line it up as best he could. He wasn't sure which side was which and where the tapes went but he reasoned, correctly, that it would be quicker to put the tapes on if he was laying on the end that held the tapes. He took a deep breath as he jumped onto the bed. Then, from his prone position, he unbuttoned his pants and undid his belt buckle before pulling his pants and underwear down. Never well endowed to begin with, he looked particularly small as it shriveled up in fear at being exposed outside of his own house or a bathroom.

Hooni had no time to worry about that as he quickly (but quietly) attempted to fold the diaper over himself and tape the tapes as best he could. He found the adult diaper was large on his malnourished body and the tapes nearly overlapped on him while the top of the diaper made its way all the way up to his belly button. He laid there and admired his work, admitting to himself that he truly looked almost like a baby with the oversized diaper wrapped securely around his waist.

Hooni pulled up his pants and redid his belt before standing up. He drew open the curtain and walked to a mirror, examining his butt and crotch to see how noticeable the thick undergarment was. It pushed his legs apart and felt thick to him but, to his relief, the bulge was nearly unnoticeable under his black uniform pants. His baggy, white dress shirt also hung low enough on his body that he wouldn't have to worry about it riding up and exposing his waistband. Still, just as a precaution, Hooni pulled his black leather belt as tight as he possibly could to make sure there was no chance of his pants falling down. It was uncomfortable, sure, but he thought the risk reduction was worth the cost of his comfort.

He looked at the time and saw he only had a few minutes until class started, then only hours until school was out, and from there only hours until he could finally die. He left the infirmary with a smile on his face as he pictured his lifeless body hanging limp in his apartment wearing unsoiled, dry pants.