a/n: i was toying with this idea, wondering what could've come after "By it's Definition," If Shin mustered up enough guts to tell her after he officially graduated, maybe sometime before he went to college. incidentally, the word is "tragedy"
Kumiko, being Kumiko, would've turned him down. Ugh.
And while I might have an idea of what she might try to do, the reason why my characters sometimes feel ooc, is because I can't get a proper feel of what they'd say, or feel. Like, the feeling when you hold Jell-o, as opposed to a solid.
Now and then...Do you wash your hands of me again?
Wish me anywhere but home. Drunken on the end of your phone...
School had just ended, and she felt a little tired and heavyhearted, as she watched the students walk home.
Some of them left in animated, or boisterous groups, some walked home by themselves, some in friendly two's and three's.
Times were changing, and thanks to last year's graduating class (which included her first, 3-D), the school's notoriety lessened somewhat, and started to get more normal students.
Times were really changing. For the past two years, she had always looked forward to coming up here, everyday.
And if before, this place always felt so warm, and peaceful, and comforting...it felt strangely empty, lifeless and cold.
As if time had erased the presence of the people who had moved on.
It was as if she suddenly found herself lost and alone.
There was no sullen voice who talked back to her. No delinquent to wake up. No one to argue or laugh with. No one.
No one.
It was like a cemetery filled with memories, times long past, when in reality, it had only been a scant three months, since they last stood here.
Three months since that last day.
The last day they saw each other. The last day they talked. The last time she told him anything. The last time he said anything back.
The first and last time he ever really told her something personal, something intimate-the way he really felt about her.
The first and the last.
Last month was the first time she was able to muster enough courage to call him, to tell him how she felt about him. It wasn't an easy thing to do. It wasn't easy to figure out and accept.
But while his cellphone did ring, he never picked up. She had tried two more times after that.
The third time, after the first two rings, the call got disconnected.
She took that as a sign and stopped.
She had always thought it to be a bad idea, anyway.
From time to time
Do you guess what's really on my mind?
She let out a long, labored breath, as she leaned against the railing the way he used to. She remembered the countless times he sat just like that, as he listened to her problems, how her day went, the kumi's silly moments...a lot of the everyday things that she went through. She remembered how he'd chuckle a little, or smile knowingly, tease her a little, or wore a thoughtful expression, when she needed input about more serious issues that needed her attention.
She'd catch that mysterious look that he sometimes gave her. As well as the curious, amused or irritated glare she got from him on varying occasions. It always used to make her wonder what it all meant, which she would probably never understand, had he not admitted to his feelings.
Because he was never really much of a talker. And he wasn't the sort to wear his thoughts, his heart on his sleeve.
Guess that "How you keeping now?"
Means "Where are you sleeping now?"
She looked at her cellphone and found it hard to breathe, the pain in her chest twisting itself slowly, like a knife with jagged edges, as she wondered if he ever felt this much sadness, if he ever felt this hurt.
"Is Shinohara-sensei your boyfriend?" She remembered him ask, the night they got locked in, at school. Did he feel anything like this, back then...
...not knowing how the one you cared about felt? That feeling of uncertainty...insecurity...doubt, that you might get an answer you'd rather not hear?
And to deal with it for so long...
...how couldn't she have noticoed?
Because Shin was a man, too. And men didn't complain about such things, or show weakness.
Why couldn't she just flip it open, and call him?
Because if he turned off his phone, knowing she ws calling him, it was going to hurt...a lot.
But didn't it hurt, already?
But of course it's not polite
To ask you where you spent last night
She eyed her phone, unsure of what to do.
She missed him terribly.
She wanted to hear him say her name. To hear his voice lazily, irritably ask her what she wanted. Anything just to talk, just to reconnect...just to feel or regain a semblance of the way they were.
Anything, to get even a small part of him back. Even if he no longer felt the same.
And if I did, you might reply
That I have no right
But after she pushed him away, so harshly...she didn't exactly have the right to ask him.
There were no longer any reasons for them to talk, at all.
And anyway I'm fine
Glad that you're no longer mine
So, day after day, hour after hour, it was now her turn to try to ignore it.
The way she missed his rare smiles. His indolent manner. His arrogant, obnoxious, bored-to-death tone.
It was her turn to want something seemingly impossible to get, and do nothing because her pride refused to allow it.
If I should tell a lie
I'll cross my heart and hope to die
There was no way that she would ever try to win back that insolent jerk, Sawada Shin.
...as much as she might secretly want it. And she lived with it, quietly, with great difficulty, in places that were filled with memories of every day they were together, these last two years.
In school. At home. Everywhere.
While he was somewhere new.
Somewhere different. Free of memories of the time they spent with each other.
It would be a cold day in hell before she admitted such weakness to anyone.
Because she was of the Kuroda. She was of the Ooedo. And she was not weak.
You'd be appalled
If you knew what I was doing
When you called
Yes, I can see I'm blundering
And I always end up wondering
She idly wondered for a moment how he'd react if he found out just how she really was doing. While she expected he'd be really surprised, the most his face would betray would likely be a raised eyebrow, and a hint of suspicion on his face, like you were trying to con him, or something.
Shin was funny like that. He knew her too well to know she didn't feel depresed for long periods of time, and would rightly be suspicious of it.
Well, this was a first for her, too. And while she was doing a good job of hiding how she felt, it was different when she was alone, here on this rooftop...or in her room. And on days when she really missed him, when she felt extremely happy, or upset, or needed advice, or needed to just talk about silly things...
...it would make her irritable, and easy to provoke, like a defense mechanism to hide that she wasn't really angry, but upset.
The Young Chief noticed. Her grandfather noticed. And each, in time, had asked her about it.
And while she gave them some other answer, they both gave her a knowing look, that she pretended not to notice.
It's not as if she could tell them the real reason, anyway...and while they might have their suspicions, she didn't really know if they thought this had something to do with Shin or not.
Unlike women, men, thankfully did not pry or talk too much about matters of this nature. Or at least, they didn't talk to her directly about it, but merely speculated discreetly amongst themselves.
She didn't even want to know what they really thought about it.
It didn't really matter, since it seemed as if Shin was moving on.
Though, in reality...how could it be so easy for him to just move on? How could it be so easy for him to forget? They were in each other's company, almost everyday, for the last two years. Laughing, getting in trouble, through hell, hard work, and always making it close enough to avoid dying.
This was all new to her...to feel this way. Completely different from what she felt for Shinohara(She definitely didn't feel this loneliness when he wasn't around), and if she felt this way, after only realizing recently how much Shin really meant to her, how could it be easy for him to throw it all away?
But then, why wouldn't he pick up?
He knew her well enough to know that it would never be an easy thing for her to do such a thing.
Why did he ignore her? Why wouldn't he answer her call?
Will it ever be all right
To ask you where you spent last night
And every time she met his classmates, they all had stories about how Shin was doing, and how good he looked, now. how well he was doing in college.
Things he said. Things he's been doing.
Thankfully, she didn't have to ask them, and they just told her all about it, taking her interest in him only natural.
And can it be polite
The way we never write
And yet she couldn't shake away the feeling of estrangement and abandonment.He kept in constant touch with all of them.
But not a word to her. Nothing about her, at all.
Before she had to wonder what he was even doing at her house, so early, now he never visited. He never called. Nothing. As far as she knew, he never asked about her or mentioned her name.
Kuma was the first who noticed, as the round boy proceeded to scratch his head in wonder at Shin's seemingly strange, evasive behavior.
Then again, in a way, it was so like him. Too lazy to get in touch. Too disinterested to be bothered. Too bored to care.
Of course I don't have the time,
And anyway I'm fine
She knew it was a lie, but it's what she told herself over and over.
To, hopefully, stop wishing for what was already gone.
So she'd smile brightly at whichever dumbstruck friend managed to come up with the same observation, as she made excuses for a Shin that seemed like such a stranger to her now.
And sometimes, if she said it often enough, it almost felt true.
She was getting by well enough. She wasn't drunk or dying, or outwardly depressed.
All her life, she took to her hardships like a real man should.
She did well enough. Why stop now?
If I should tell a lie
I'll cross my heart and hope to die
She had faced her parents death at an early age. Compared to that, this was nothing.
She could function well without him.
She could function well without him.
She could function well without him.
She just needed to get used to it, his absence, all over again.
Just as if he never existed.
It was a lie she needed to believe, and she hated knowing it for what it was.
Oh, I know it's not polite
To ask you where you spent last night
And why not? The situation was hopeless.
He didn't want to talk. He never came by. He didn't even want his friends talking to him about her, nor would it be a good idea to involve them in this...private issue between them.
And if by some miracle, he did agree to hear her out, would he believe her? After that last day?
And if I did you might reply
That I have no right
DId she really want to hear him, return her words? Did she really want to hear him reject her?
What if he realized that what he felt wasn't real?
What if there was already someone new?
Then, not only would she lose him, her pride would shatter in a million pieces...when there was absolutely no reason for it to.
And anyway I'm fine
Now you're no longer mine
Then again, if she let things continue this way, would she really be satisfied?
Knowing she gave up, when she could've-should've tried harder?
He was the most arrogant, obnoxious, irritating person she had ever met.
But he had let go of his own pride. And he had faced her, knowing she would reject him.
Oh yes. With his intimate knowledge of her, he had already expected the worst.
But he had hoped. He ignored his better judgment, and he lost. Or so he probably thought.
And so, he left.
Was her pride really worth all that much, faced with what she could really be losing?
If I should tell a lie
I'll cross my heart and hope to die
Was this semblance of a life, enough for her?
Was she really willing to let go?
Was she really prepared to face rejection?
Was she prepared to meet him, expecting someone familiar, only to be faced by a possible stranger?
I hope we never die
And although she knew that she wanted more, now...in the very least, if the worst became real, and he no longer loved her...
...couldn't they just start over?
Couldn't they just go back?
I hope we never die
Back to when he found her silly moments amusing?
Back to when they'd talk for hours?
Back to when they could keep quiet, and just watch the sky, or the setting sun together.
I hope we never die
Back to those moments when there was no one else outside a world that only consisted of the two of them.
Those quiet moments she unconsciously opened her heart, little by little to him.
I hope we never die.
Those momentswhen she gave herself to him, showed him her real self, piece by piece, in a way she never have, with anyone else.
Because, as late as it was for her to realize it, in truth...
Cross my heart...
...there could never really be anyone else.