Summary: Ryan's back in Newport with the Cohen's, but it doesn't feel the way he thought it would. RyanTheresa. Notes: I can't let go of Ryan/Theresa, so here's my take on what should happen after The Distance.
Too Far Gone
Chapter 1
Ryan rolled over and looked at the clock - 4:56. It had been four hours since he had said goodnight to Seth, three hours since he had taken a late night swim, two hours since he had given up on Hemingway, and an hour he had laid in complete silence. He couldn't fall asleep. Something was off and he didn't know why.
He was back in Newport, back in the Cohen's care, but it wasn't what he thought it would be. To say he wasn't relieved to be there was a lie. He loved the Cohen's, it was why he had left in the first place. He didn't want to drag them into anymore of his problems. They had already saved him from a life of crime, he couldn't let them take care of his unborn child. He knew they would if he asked, but they knew he wouldn't and that if they offered, he wouldn't accept. They understood. Sandy and Kirsten anyway, he still wasn't sure whether Seth did or if he ever would.
But being back here, in the pool house, with a loving family only steps away, wasn't comforting him at the moment. It wasn't making the knots in his stomach go away or his eyes stay close for longer than two seconds, or his heart ache any less.
It's the baby. He thought. When Theresa had first told him she was pregnant, he was shocked, scared, worried, ashamed, over-whelmed, and just about every other emotion, except happy. He wasn't happy when he left Newport. He didn't want to go back to Chino, but he knew he had to. He couldn't be selfish. He couldn't tell Theresa, "I'm sorry, but you have to do this by yourself." He just didn't have it in him. Despite his run in with the law and the relationships he had with his family, he knew what was right and wrong. He was a moral person. More so than most he encountered and for that reason, he had gone with her. He had followed her back to a life he didn't think he would ever have to live again. But at some point, that had changed. He accepted it and then he began to think of the baby as a person, rather than a burden. As a person that was a part of him.
He got a job at a construction site with the help of people from the church he had started attending with Theresa and her mother. He was surrounded by people who genuinely cared about him. Theresa's mother had been nothing but supportive. He knew she was disappointed in both he and Theresa, but she never showed it. She was just as strong as Theresa.
Theresa. His body tensed at the thought of her. She loved him and he knew it. She did all the little things. Made sure his clothes were always clean. Put the extra fluffy towels in the bathroom for him when he showered. Bought the shampoo he had commented on three years earlier when he had knocked on her bedroom soaking wet, begging for a place to stay when his mom forgot to pay the utility bills. She remembered it all. She cared more than he thought she had and it broke his heart that he didn't feel the same. He wished he could give her what it was she wanted. But he couldn't. He could give her his time, his loyalty, but his heart, he couldn't give her that and he didn't know why.
And now he couldn't make himself fall asleep. He had school tomorrow. Back to Newport, back to school. They really had waited until the last minute to come home. Home. Was that really what it was?
He looked at the clock again - 5:54. There's no time to sleep now. Ryan threw the covers from his body and headed to the bathroom.
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Theresa wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. It had been over twelve hours since she'd said good-bye to Ryan and it wasn't getting any easier. A part of her had expected him to come back. To show up at her door and tell her everything she'd been wanting him to say since he moved in with her and her mother, but a larger part of her knew that would never happen. And that was the part that was aching and causing her tears to continue to fall.
It hurt the first time he'd left, without a good-bye or an explanation. But now, she had both and it hurt more. Because now she knew it wasn't because of circumstances that he had to go, it was because of circumstances that he had been here, with her, at all. She loved him. God, did she love him. She used to think that would be enough. It wasn't. Because as much as she kept loving him, the less it seemed that he loved her. Sometimes, he wouldn't even look at her. She'd catch his eye for just a second, but he'd turn away just as quickly.
She remembered when she used to be what he wanted. When he would wrap his arms around her waist and pull her close and they wouldn't have to say anything, because everything was always understood. She remembered the first time he had said those three little words, well he didn't actually say them.
It was Christmas eve and they were sitting in the back seat of Arturo's broken down El Camino long after their families had gone to sleep, but they couldn't tear themselves apart.
"I'm sorry I didn't get you anything," Ryan whispered against her ear.
"I don't need anything."
"I wanted to, but..."
"You know it doesn't matter to me, Ryan."
"I know."
They fell silent again. It was cold outside, but there was always enough heat between them to keep them both warm. That was until Ryan shifted.
"What are you doing?" She asked, reaching out for him, wanting to bring him back to her.
"Close your eyes."
"Why?"
"Because there is something I can give you."
"I don't want it."
"It's nothing you don't already have. Please, Theresa."
"Fine." She closed her eyes and heard Ryan let out several long breaths. The sound of his finger dragging down the window, peaked her interest. "Can I open them now?"
"One second." Ryan pulled her onto his lap, wrapping his arms around her waist and resting his chin in the crook of her neck. "Now."
Theresa opened her eyes and felt her them begin to water immediately. I love you was written in the fog of the window. His breath had created the fog and his hands had broken it. It was completely Ryan. "I-I-. It's perfect," her voice cracked as she turned to him, taking his face in her hands. "And me too." They both smiled and their lips met in a familiar unison.
The thought of it now only made her cry more. She missed him. The way he used to be, the way they used to be. But it was too late and she couldn't make him come back. She couldnt make him love her and she couldn't figure out why he didn't. She had a baby to take care of now. She had to forget about Ryan, she had to move on. It was her only option now. Theresa lay her hand on her ever growing belly and closed her eyes, forcing the tears to stop and sleep to take over.
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