Story: Crimson Tears (Rewrite)
Summary: Despite Kukaku's telling her not to be sorry, Kaien's death and self-blame weighed heavily on Rukia's conscience. It still tore her to pieces and the nightmares had caused her to lose sleep. Regardless of Renji telling her to let others in, she only felt like she would be a burden to her friends and drag them down with her stupid feelings. And even though Byakuya had apologized, she still felt just as distant from him as ever, if not more so.
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.
I decided to rewrite the other version of this, because I feel like I put WAY too much description in the previous one.
Despite Kukaku's telling her not to be sorry, Kaien's death and self-blame weighed heavily on Rukia's conscience. It still tore her to pieces and the nightmares had caused her to lose sleep. Regardless of Renji telling her to let others in, she only felt like she would be a burden to her friends and drag them down with her stupid feelings. And even though Byakuya had apologized, she still felt just as distant from him as ever, if not more so.
The thoughts and urges dragging her down as of late had only become more profuse and harder to deal with. Just like right now.
Blood had stained her arm. Cuts littered her once perfect skin, a blade resting in her hand. With each slash, she decided she felt a little better.
Renji and Ichigo had noticed something, and her captain as well. Even Orihime and even Byakuya. But none of them ever questioned why she insisted on wearing long sleeves. None of them had ever found out or probably even suspected what she'd been doing to herself. And she planned to keep it that way if she could. After all, they would be angry, and Byakuya would be more disappointed in her than he ever had been before.
Of course, it wasn't like she entirely understood she was doing it. It just… made things easier to deal with. She couldn't understand her feelings half the time, so she instead channeled them out through something she did understand; The pain. The sharp satisfying sting was a release. The scars were proof, and the blood… the blood was the best part. If she wasn't allowed to cry, the blood was an alternative to letting out her tears. She would be lying if she said she didn't like it.
And this was her coping mechanism, something she didn't want to be taken away from her right now. So the only option she had was to hide it, since it was so addictive at this point. It was ironic, really. She was so good at dealing with other people's emotions, yet not her own.
Yet again bringing the razor blade to an unmarred area of her forearm, which she had leaning over the bathtub, she quickly slashed it. Soon, relief and satisfaction entered her senses, clearing her mind as crimson oozed out of the cut, trailing down her arm and dripping into the tub to mix in with the already-bloody water in it.
Swallowing, she felt a lump in her throat. It was painful, felt swollen and sore, but, no matter what, the tears just wouldn't fall. She felt her anger rising, and yet somehow feeling numb at the same time, when she began slashing at her skin faster than before, more than ever, just to see the blood. At this point, she wasn't really thinking about what she was doing. All she knew was that she was angry at herself, and at the world, and so frustrated with everything.
But it was better than taking it out on somebody else and screwing up the lives of those around her. After all, she already did enough of that. It was her fault Ichigo's life had been thrown into daily turmoil, her fault that Renji had stayed in the Rukongai district for so long instead of honing his strength to get something far better out of life; she had held him back for so many years, her fault that Kukaku and Ganju had lost their brother, her fault that Byakuya was surely reminded painfully of Hisana every single day by just looking like her. And even if indirectly, it was also her fault that Orihime and Chad had got caught up in her world, Uryu all the same.
She was always causing others misfortune and she could never forgive herself for it all. Should she even be here? She had been sent back to the world of the living for more hollow business, but perhaps she could stay at Urahara's instead. It would probably be better for Ichigo if she was involved with him and his sisters as little as possible, right?
"Hey, Rukia? You gonna be out soon?" Ichigo's voice suddenly called out in question, from outside the door, startling Rukia as she heard him twisting the door knob to see if it was locked.
"Y-yeah!" Rukia squeaked, her heart skipping a beat, as she suddenly slashed the razor a bit too deep. But, assuming it probably wasn't deep enough to cause her to pass out, she didn't let the blood bother her.
"Dammit, thanks, Ichigo..." she hissed mockingly beneath her breath, her heartbeat erratic, hoping she didn't hear him. She immediately felt a bit of irrational and unprecedented irritation at the orange haired teen bubble up in her system.
"Knock instead of messing with the doorknob next time, you dolt! I'll be out in a minute, so don't rush me!" She growled at him, with unintentional hostility, as she used her hand that was holding the razor blade to reach over and unplug the bathtub and allow the blood-tinted water to drain out of the tub. It wasn't like she was proud of shouting at him when he couldn't have possibly known anything. It had just taken her off guard.
"I wasn't 'rushing' you! I was just asking a question to make sure you're okay! What's with you practically biting my head off lately?!" Ichigo retorted, obviously offended by her tone.
"It's nothing, okay?" Rukia then said after a minute, trying to regain her composure. "I've just been going through a lot right now is all..."
"I'll say..." she heard Ichigo muttered irritably from the other side of the door.
"...I said sorry. Anyway, is there something you wanted to tell me?" Rukia brought herself to ask, trying to be as nice as possible, knowing that it was her with the problem and not Ichigo.
Ichigo sighed, not bothering to point out that he could have had to use the bathroom that she was hogging up, but answered her question. "Yeah, I know it's a little early, but I think I'm gonna head on to school. I was wondering if you wanted to come on, or are you gonna wait a little longer?"
"...I'll probably be out in about five minutes." Rukia told him, running her arm underneath the water. "If you don't wanna wait, you can go ahead and I'll catch up with you later."
"...Well, if it's only five minutes, I guess I'll wait then." Ichigo said after a minute, sounding slightly concerned.
Rukia unplugged the drain and began using a paper towel to wipe off her arm as much as possible, before hastening to get her most recently injured arm covered in bandage wraps, before slipping on her uniform jacket to cover up her arms.
She ignored her trembling arms and body, even though she felt a little unsteady on her legs. She hadn't really eaten much lately, so that was probably affecting her, on top of all the blood she a had just lost and was still losing to a degree. Cutting herself enough always caused her arms to feel shaky and weak afterward, so it wasn't like it was much different than any other time, though she might have cut a bit too much, but she couldn't focus on that right now.
…
"Hey, Rukia..." Ichigo muttered, stopping to look back at Rukia, who was looking down at the sidewalk. She then responded to him gazing up at him to meet his gaze.
"What is it?" She asked.
"Are you... feeling alright?" He wanted to know, scrutinizing her. It was clear this time that he was worried.
"Of course I'm fine, why do you ask?" Rukia tried her best to put up a calm front, although it was possible that Ichigo still saw hesitance on her part.
"It's nothing… Just wondering... You've not really been yourself lately is all..." Ichigo scratched the back of his head. He had never been that great at being sentimental, but for his friend, he would sure as hell, since nobody else was around. "Orihime and Karin has mentioned it to me as well. They're all worried for you."
"Well I'm completely fine, so I'll probably have to clear that up with them. But, wow, how nice of you to be concerned for me. I had no clue you cared so much." Rukia smirked, obviously trying to mock him.
"Sh-shut up!" Ichigo retorted, feigning a glare. He didn't buy Rukia's words at all, but he decided he would trust Rukia and her decision. After all, she was one of the strongest people he knew. However, he wasn't done.
"Look," he sighed. "I'm not a mind reader, not to mention I suck at comforting people or knowing what to say to make others feel better a lot of times, but I'm not the type to just stand by and act like I don't notice when somebody is suffering either. This is the way I see it. You and I are friends and friendship is a mutual thing, so friends are supposed to share each other's pain to some degree, right?"
Ichigo looked at her with an awkward expression. "So even though I'll probably never be able to understand exactly what you're feeling, I'll always be here to at least listen when you decide to open up to me, kay? Because I care about you just like everybody else does."
Rukia's eyes were wide, and she just stood there for a moment. That's when she recalled something.
"Kuchiki-san, just remember that you always have people that you can lean on when you need somebody the most, even if you don't think you need them. Cause that's what friends are for," Urahara had once told her, "and it's not just Ichigo, either. You also have Inoue-san, Abarai-san, your captain, Matsumoto-san, Sado-san, Yoruichi, and even your brother and me. You might even be surprised how understanding Ishida-kun can be times too. So you're never alone."
Why does it hurt so bad...?
"...Thanks, Ichigo." Rukia gave a soft and pain filled smile.
"No problem. Now let's get to school, yeah...?" Ichigo smiled back, before turning back around.
"Yeah..." Rukia said.
I'm sorry, Ichigo... Everybody… I wish I knew how to rely on others, but I don't… And I don't want to stop...
- Chapter end.
A/N: I hope it's okay so far. Please review if you will?... =w=