Pairings: HorioxTomo, EchizenxEchizen, OishixEijixKarupin, MomoxKaidoh, FujixMizukixYuuta, TezukaxMizuno, KawamuraxBurning ...Just to name a few.
Warnings: TOTAL CRACK!!! A bit of OOC and yaoi... (Okay, maybe not just a bit.) So the idea's been used; sue me. I thought of the idea by myself and I'm going to twist it to my own demented will...
The Apocalypse: Inui's Love Potion
"Ironic, isn't it? The mind of man, wherever you encounter it—Earth or Mars—the highest attainments of human intellect, always diverted to self-destruction." -Kurt Neumann
It was a rather ordinary midnight. Well, ordinary considering webs of lightning played across the black thunderclouds, a mere kindergartener of what was soon to befall upon the poor marionettes of a special 'someone's' will. Under the scintillating midnight sky, in a field of flashing fireflies, stood a junior high data specialist, clad in glistening square glasses and dirt-smeared overalls.
He meticulously bottled two green-brown bugs. There was nothing special about the buzzing insects. A hard, long shell. Two freakishly long antennas. However, Inui Sadaharu knew that appearances could be very deceiving.
"Lytta vesicatoria, also known as the Spanish Fly, its cantharides noted since ancient Greece for purposes of seduction and venom..."
Glint.
What drove this lucidly insane student to verges of such desperation? It all started the day before...
-
He should have known. It was a conspiracy against him. People were avoiding his eyes, he even caught Eiji snickering behind his back and Tezuka's lips were one millimeter below his usual 'frown'. There was definitely something stirring here. Inui pulled out his notebook and his favorite green pen. An ideal time for some data.
Poor guy didn't know it was his data getting collected today.
After pulling some strenuous laps, he went to the usual spot to "rid his complexion of the damaging human oils his skin had excreted." He had an eerie feeling that he was being watched. More time for data. After wiping his face with the towel, his hand groped for his thick-rimmed glasses blindly. When he put them on, he was shocked to find eight blurry faces staring back at him.
'These glasses... are not mine.' The shock was perpetual. Inui Sadaharu had been outmaneuvered so easily.
The nightmare began.
Kikumaru was the first to recover. "Inui-san, so you do have eyes after all, the color of your Special Vegetable Juice."
-
"Give me back my glasses!" He clutched his fists in fury as they played a game of Keep Away until his opaque lenses splattered on the concrete into a million shards.
"Oops. That was an accident. Since you're so smart and you think you're all that, good luck finding your way home!" The bullies jeered at him before they stomped on the twisted metal and sparkling shards one after another, leaving an utterly defeated, closed-eyed Inui grieving over his lost companion...
-
He learned from that day. From then on, he always kept a spare nearby. He scrutinized every person and every detail, his consciousness bugging him for any sign of machination.
It was Inui Sadaharu's darkest secret: his paranoia triggered the necessity of data collecting.
Data does not lie.
Yet how could he have been humiliated so easily? How could he have been caught so off-guard without a warning? The chagrin, the defeat... he couldn't stand this. This called for new levels of sadism. Vegetable juice, Penal Tea, Aozu, Akazu, Sardine Water... sure, these satiated his sadism for now, but it was time. Time for the havoc to begin.
His plan was nearly at fruition. "Calculating success: 99.9 percent."
Inui Sadaharu was not an enemy to mess with. Soon the world would finally realize, but it was all too late...
His maniacal, cackling laughter echoed throughout the land. Fireflies' lights spluttered out, dropping dead in fear, turning the field into a haunted graveyard. Thunder roared overhead, accompanying his screeching. Bolts of lightning struck around him, pricking the hair on his neck.
SMASH! The bottle was blown into a million crystal shards, revealing two cooked skeletons of something reminiscently alive.
'Lightning never strikes the same place twice.'
He was right.
ZING! For a moment Inui became a statue out of horror barbaric enough to haunt Frankenstein's nightmares. There came a blood-curdling scream disturbing enough to shatter every inch of glass on Earth. A limp body fell, and then there was nothing.
The apocalypse drew near.
-
"U-um, I-Inui-san, a-are you sure you should be at school today?" Oishi stuttered skeptically.
"Why shouldn't I be?" he blinked. His dark blue hair was electrified, standing on edge and still smoking. Dust and smoke clung to his sheet-white skin, and his movements were frighteningly jerky and capricious. He placed his hand on Oishi's shoulder, his glasses glistening magnificently.
"I have a new version of my latest juice. Would you like a sample?" Oishi cringed, turning a slight greenish color. Thank God Inui's glasses were opaque because if Oishi saw the madness in Inui's eyes, he wouldn't live to see the next day, but he wouldn't anyway, so screw that.
"I-I'll pass." When Inui finally released his iron grip, complete with the most intimidating smirk in the universe, Oishi darted away at the speed of light.
Inui could not afford any mistakes. For the master plan to work, he first needed a guinea pig: someone insignificant, so they wouldn't notice.
"Shut up, Horio! Ryoma-sama would never play with a novice like you, unibrow freak," Tomo-chan shouted.
"Who has a unibrow?" he folded his arms, his pride bruised.
"G-guys, break it up," Sakuno shook her hands in conciliation, but since when had that ever worked?
Glint.
The wheels were already in motion, and they would only stop when the world is engulfed in infernos (although the oceans might take a while) and Inui Sadaharu prevails above all.
-
The girl was absolutely exasperating. So what if he had an unibrow? He wore it proudly and nothing this girl could say could change that. Just because Echizen Ryoma had more experience in tennis doesn't mean he can say the same in the looks department.
You'll never understand.
"You won't either. Hmph," Horio chewed his bread fervently.
"Um, Horio-kun, you're talking to yourself again," Kachiro sweatdropped.
"You're just jealous," he narrowed his eyes to slits, staring intently at nothing.
"Who's jealous?" Tomo-chan's eyebrows were twitching. Since when had she stood right in front of him?
"You heard me," Horio raised his eyebrows. He grabbed his water bottle and took a sip. She replied something, but Horio didn't hear her. Suddenly the wind was knocked out of him and he convulsed to the ground, clutching his neck.
"What in the world is he doing? Pretending to choke? Horio, get up! You're not fooling anyone!" Tomo-chan stomped her foot, grimacing at Horio's twitching body. Suddenly, his spasms stopped and his body lay on the ground, limp.
Cricket. Cricket.
"HOR-I-O!" Now this was getting ridiculous. She grabbed his water bottle and poured it over his face. "Stop being an idiot."
Still nothing. "Horio?" An ominous dread inundated Tomoka's stomach. "Horio!"
He felt something cold on his face, making him twitch. There was a tingling feeling through his body, a tantalizing promise that nothing today could go wrong. He opened his eyes as Tomoka's ever-so-lovely face appeared into view.
"What were you thinking, you idiot, scaring us like that? Trying to make a fool out of me, were you? Well, that won't..." He didn't hear the rest of her words. Her mellifluous words were honey to his ears, music greater than all the masterpieces in the world. He sat up to get a better view of his reincarnation of Helen of Troy. Her pigtails were dangling and swishing, reminding him of sakura blossoms in a breeze. Her hazel orbs enthralled him and he couldn't stop gaping at the perfect baby face, her cheerful yet chastising demeanor...
"You're not saying anything. Are you feeling okay, Horio?" She bent down to look at him.
"You're beautiful," he drooled. She immediately jumped away from him.
"Na-What did you just say?" There was a sudden burning sensation inside of him and that moment, he could give up the world to kiss her. He stood up, clutched her arm and pinched his lips together, aiming blindly for her mouth. His heart was pounding so hard that he swore everybody in the room heard it.
At the sight of Horio's incoming lips, Tomo's face contorted in pure horror as she shrieked a heart-lurching scream and flew towards the exit.
"Aishiteru, Tomoka-hime!" Horio called behind her, pursuing in absolute conviction.
"Get away from me, you freak!" she screamed, shoving past the crowd.
In a dark corner of the room stood an amused, bespectacled student. "Ii data."
-
"I'LL CALL THE POLICE! I swear I will!" Tomoka threatened as she grabbed a book from her backpack and she wasn't afraid to throw it. Actually, she was afraid not to.
"But I haven't done anything wrong..." Horio took a step towards her, rewarded with a loud thump on his face and another bruise.
Inui scribbled ecstatically, the gears in his head grinding louder than a coal mine. He decided on his next victim: Echizen. Setting his notebook and pen aside for the moment being, he added a few drops from the vial into Echizen's bottle.
"Echizen," he walked towards him, hiding his malicious smirk. "I've organized a new training regime for you." He handed Ryoma his water and the freshman prodigy accepted it gratefully with delicious innocence. Shivers racked Inui's body in anticipation. "Are you interested in hearing it?" Ryoma nodded, too tired to speak as he drank deeply.
"It seems like it's necessary to decrease the weights on your right ankle and increase it on your left wrist..." Inui stared intently at Echizen who stared back, a trickle of water falling from the corner of his mouth. A vein bulged in Inui's head. Why wasn't the juice working? It seemed to have no effect on Ryoma at all, and he must have devoured at least half the bottle by now.
"Is there something wrong, Inui-senpai?" Echizen frowned.
"Y-yadda," he shook off his doubts.
Cricket. Cricket.
Was there a miscalculation in his data? How was that possible?
Suddenly a tinge of green appeared on Ryoma's cheeks. His stomach rumbled loudly.
Burp.
A trace of acerbic odor found its way to an eyebrow-twitching Sadaharu.
"Suminasen, senpai," he excused himself, dropping the bottle. Inui breathed a sigh of relief. His plan was proceeding smoothly after all.
-
The Samurai Junior slammed open the stall door and regurgitated. His vomit splashed over the toilet, his head reeling in nausea. His entire body lurched as he emptied his stomach. Dazed, he fell over, his knuckles white as he clutched the sink and washed his face and mouth. As he waited for the world to stop swirling, he looked up at the mirror.
A beautiful yet familiar stranger stared back at him. How could he have never noticed the subtle teal and gold glints in his eyes? Or how magnificently his emerald hair shined at all the right angles? He stroked his cheek, marveling at how soft it was. After all, he was Samurai Junior, Seigaku's Pillar of Support. He was the one leading Seigaku to the Nationals, the Japanese boy who crushed all odds and made his debut as the winner of the U.S. Open. What had his father done with the three million dollars he won, anyway? Oh well, that didn't matter. He admired his well-toned muscles that he spent years on, the perfect stance, the sharp intimidating glare, the undisputable master of 'mada mada dane.' Who could compete with him? He leaned on his left hand, jabbing his impeccable reflection. He could stare at his apotheosis for beauty for days, months, even years without end.
-
Inui was sick with impatience. How long was it going to take for Echizen to come out of the restroom? Inui was tempted to go seek him, but he caught himself.
"Stalking someone?" Mizuki said next to him, focusing his binoculars.
"N-D- How did you get here?" Inui nearly jumped.
"Hm... an obsession with Seigaku's freshman tensai, I see..." Mizuki mumbled, smirking from ear to ear. Hajime's interference was unexpected, and he noticed a sulking Yuuta beside him. Of course, this may complicate matters, but he could turn this situation into his favor.
Inui had already poisoned everyone's water and now he wondered how they were doing. His curiosity was quickly piqued when a heart-lurching scream erupted at camp. It was time to go.
-
Oishi screamed. Screamed and screamed... and screamed some more. A beaming Kikumaru Eiji had been standing next to him a few minutes ago. By a twisted hand of fate, his doubles partner had been reduced to a... purring, pink Japanese bobcat. (A tailless one too, at that.) Sure, he was a gorgeous creature of legends with the beauty to rival Aphrodite herself and the flexibility to surpass all the Olympic gymnasts by light-years, but that was besides the point.
"It's just a dream. Just a dream, just a dream. You'll wake up any second. Any second now..." He pinched himself. "Itai! Okay, so it's a dream where you can feel pain. Just... wake... up..." Oishi made a face of severe constipation. Kikumaru looked up at the Mother of Seigaku with irresistibly cute, round blue orbs the color of dark sapphires. However, his eye was on someone a lot more... compatible. Namely, a magnificent beast with an astonishing coat of glistening ivory that blended in softly with darker plumage.
"Meow," Eiji approached the Himalayan cat.
Karupin jolted in shock when he noticed the incoming cat.
"Meow!" (Translation: Why are you pink?)
Eiji chased his tail in circles, showing off impressive acrobatics.
"Meeoowww," he purred. (Translation: You're beautiful. Will you marry me?)
He hopped on Oishi's head on one foot and somersaulted magnificently onto the ground.
"Ah! Eiji! You're going to kill yourself!"
Paying no heed to his screaming companion, Kikumaru-kitty blinked as he saw no Karupin, only rustling bushes.
"Meeooww!" (Translation: I'm coming to save you!)
He dashed at the speed of light so he could be with his soul mate for all time.
"Matte, Eiji!" Oishi cringed. "Be careful!" Karupin shrieked as she noticed her incoming pink assaulter and jolted even faster (if that was possible) with a rush of adrenaline. A shouting worrywart pursued the two cats, his face contorted in anxiety and shock.
"Ii data." 'Kikumaru turned into a cat. An allergic reaction, probably. I wonder who else this might inflict...'
-
Aaaahhh...
Despite it all, it was really quite a pleasant day. Who would have guessed that last night's roaring thunderstorm had begotten such cool breezes, fluffy clouds and streaming sunlight? He could just lie there, letting the ambience bask him in meditation. He had few precious moments to himself in the masquerade of unconsciousness.
His water tasted strange today. A tad on the exotic, spicy side. One of Inui's experiments, perhaps? Unfortunately for him, Fuji was not taking the bait today. (Or so he thought...)
"Oi, my one true rival should not be dillydallying. Give me your data!" Fuji could practically hear the inner 'mwhahaha's twisting in his greedy mind.
Syusuke's smile from time immemorial faltered for a split second.
He blinked open his eyes, his ever-plastered grin disappearing in shock, but he recovered quickly as he stood up.
"Um, aniki, Mizuki-senpai got-"
"Quiet, Yuuta. He wants my data, eh?" His voice was dangerously mellifluous and sugar-coated.
"There are many things I have to show you," the older genius squeezed Mizuki's hand, yanking his arm along. "Come along now." Seizing the chance of Mizuki being a paralyzed statue, he gave him a marvelous peck on his cheek, marveling at the softness of his skin. Fuji dragged him out of the tennis courts, leaving a scarred-for-life Yuuta. The revelation finally struck him: he was going to have to compete with his brother in his love life, as if tennis wasn't enough already! Also, it was over the most unlikely prospect ever- his manager.
"Yuuta! Save me!"
Mizuki's blood-curdling pleas for help were somehow distant to Yuuta as his body crumpled to the ground, his face paler than a ghost.
Even his St. Rudolph's brilliant rival had fallen as a pawn to Inui's masterpiece.
Tick. Tick. Tick.
-
SMASH! Oishi gaped in horror as Eiji knocked over an expensive-looking vase from two burly home movers.
"Suminasen! I'll pay for it, I swear," Oishi panicked, "Matte, Kikumaru!"
BEEP!
"AAAHHHH!"
Tires screeches, people screamed and a fire hydrant erupted, spewing a waterfall over Oishi, soaking him from head to toe. Karupin shrieked as a raving Kikumaru sprinted from windshield to windshield, pursuing her as he flaunted his aerial prowess.
"WHOSE CAT IS THAT?"
"Gomenasai! Gomenasai!" Screw Karupin and Kikumaru. They would made it out life... hopefully. It was Oishi Shuichiro that deserved the worry... 'Eiji's ignoring me, even though I...'
"Tomo-hime-chan! I swear-"
As Horio engulfed loud gulps of pepper spray, the poor unibrow-scarred victim slipped on the sidewalk.
HISS! The lid from the sewage popped open, sending wave upon wave of unbearable stench, consuming the pedestrians.
Horio knocked into Oishi and together they fell into the pit, screaming in horror. Oishi managed a handhold before he plunged into the darkness and he breathed a sigh of relief.
Unfortunately, a moment too soon. In sheer panic, Horio grabbed Oishi's ankle and his hand slipped, sending them to the cascading sewers of the Underworld.
SPLASH!
Rumor went that two decomposing skeletons were washed up on Kyushu's beach a few weeks later. One of them was a unibrow freak and the other one had the worst barber in the world. They were identified to be junior high students, but meanwhile the world had more pressing issues...
-
"BURNING!"
The kind sushi delivery boy had miraculously transformed into a living pillar of raging inferno. He slammed his racket left and right like a bulldozer. In mere minutes, he had demolished Seigaku's marvelous tennis courts into a wasteland of plastic, metal and fuzzy peeled yellow blobs.
All this... without knowing it.
"Hm, it seems like he has not woken up from his unconscious state."
Glint.
Although everyone had run for their lives a long, long time ago, there was a staid captain sitting on the only untouched bench in the corner. He seemed oblivious to the Armageddon around him, hugging his racket to his chest like a teddy bear. His fingers trailing over the perfectly arranged strings, his lips and tongue touching the edge of his delicate racket.
'I won't let anybody touch you, my precious Mizuno Pro Light S90...'
Inui frowned. So apparently the love potion worked on inanimate objects as well. He could only imagine how many fan girls would give their hearts to be his racket right now.
-
Ryuzaki Sakuno and her grandmother were ready to commit suicide. What in the world was going on?
"Things can't possibly get any worse at least," the coach muttered.
Oh, how wrong she was.
"Get all the regulars back," Sumire's eyebrows twitched, "because I have had enough of this madness."
Sakuno nodded vigorously and ran into the decrepit remains of the boys' locker room. Her heart lurching with dread, she found that it was empty.
"I-is anybody here?"
Moan.
"Fsshhhh..."
She cringed.
"That's not at the right place... not at all..."
"Um, Kaidoh-s-senpai? Momo-chan-senpai?" She tiptoed to where the noises were coming from. Seeing two sweaty Seigaku uniforms with matching regulars jackets strewn on the ground near the shower, she cringed. Our innocent, huggable little girl did not want to be perpetually traumatized for life. Yet.
"I-I'll leave you two for now. Obaaa-san wants you two o-on the c-courts..." Bowing low, she darted out of the locker room, scarlet-faced, not wanting to know what went on in there everyday.
"Ryoma-kun, save me," she gasped. Suddenly a thought struck her. What if- what if he, too... 'No, Ryoma-kun is straight! Definitely straight!' Shaking off the screeches by her conscience, she ran into the boys' bathroom by accident.
"Oh! Ryoma-kun!" To her immense relief, he was alone, giving her crazy imagination a break.
"Aishiteru..." He gazed longingly at the mirror.
Suddenly the air was knocked out of Sakuno.
"R-Ryoma-kun..." Then she plucked up her courage. "I love you too."
No response. She remembered what she had come here for. "Um, obaa-san asked for you to come to the tennis courts."
"Did you say something?" he mumbled. Sakuno deadpanned.
"Onegai. They're waiting," she glanced down at her shoes. Suddenly she noticed something and yelped.
"R-Ryoma-kun... your face..." A vein bulged in Echizen's head.
"What's wrong with my face?"
"L-lesions..." True, there were light pink spots over his neck, but the blood reminded him of bubblegum and strawberries...
"Ryoma-kun, we should take you to the hospital," Sakuno piped up, nervously placing a hand on his shoulder.
"Yadda. I won't let anyone separate us," he stared firmly at the mirror.
'He didn't say what I thought...' Even though the clock was irrevocably ticking, at least some good had come out of it. Sakuno would die as the happiest girl alive.
-
Inui rubbed his head. The results weren't exactly as he had predicted, but they were sufficient. Although his revenge was successfully executed, something felt displaced. Missing, somehow.
Quirking an eyebrow, he re-examined his notes. 'Oh no. No, no no...'
"Inui, you look a bit worn out," his coach handed him his water bottle. "Thirsty?" On instinct, he took a sip. Big mistake. In slow motion, his grip weakened, his water bottle falling like a feather onto the ground, rolling to his ankle.
"Sensei, you..." He cried weakly and fell into a heap on the ground. The last sight he remembered was his coach standing above him, an eternal sadistic smirk plastered on her wrinkled lips...
-
In a bathroom stall sat a closed-eyed student making out with a piece of glass and metal soaked in saliva. It looked like something reminiscently usable, but after a few licks of the data specialist's tongue, it was sure it didn't want to be recognized.
They held a camera before him, intent on capturing every second of this breakthrough once-in-a-lifetime sight.
It seemed like the effects of cantharides lasted only a short while unless the victim actually did have feelings for the person or object. Fuji Syusuke was the first to recover and it hadn't been pretty. Not pretty at all.
Data does not lie, but it does not always tell the truth either.
"Yudan sezu ni ikou. Let's go." Inui had disrupted practice and Seigaku's captain never let that go.
Love was sweet, but revenge was far sweeter.
"Now that this is over, well," the coach cringed at the love-struck Inui, "almost, maybe things could get normal again."
Oh, how very wrong they were.
-
Meanwhile, Mizuki Hajime was enjoying his ephemeral reign as the most affluent man in the world. His wealth had been reported to have recently topped Atobe Keigo's. He had already sold love potions to half the population in the world, and despite the life-scarring incident with Fuji, he couldn't help but secretly thank Inui Sadaharu for everything.
But hey, innocence was bliss, neh?
-
The next day, mysterious pink rashes started appearing on everyone's neck.
That morning, a grotesquely deformed body (the only clue of his identity was his pinky wrapped around his hair) was found assassinated in his bed. Rumor went that a mob of terrorists had overrun him, blaming him for the side effects of Inui's love potion.
Tick, tick, ttiicckkk...
KABOOM!
There had been reports of hallucinations of huggable, diapered little babies carrying crossbows. However, these cuddling little pals were actually the larvae of Spanish Flies. Cupid had finished shooting everyone's hearts and now he was ready to come back and claim them...
Owari
Well, I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. I meant to pair Sumire up with someone, but neh, whatever... This kind of omniscient, 'purple prose' point of view/ voice was kind of new for me. Consider it experimental (or blasphemy, for that matter.) Haha, I can't seem to write anything without a moral-ish undertone, whether it's about grabbing four-fours or parodying narcissism.
There's room for improvement, but for my first crackfic I think I did pretty well. Congratulate me, neh? Flame galore is welcome. Thanks to Accidental Enlightenment for beta-ing this as well.