DISCLAIMER: The copyright of Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling. Just borrowing the story of Lily and Sev for this fanfic. I also give credits to the person/s who wrote the music and lyrics of the song "The Hardest Day" (sung by The Corrs/Alejandro Sanz), and borrowed some lines from the song.
The Hardest Day
"Hello."
His thoughts were interrupted by an all-too familiar voice. He looked up, and saw her right in front of him.
"Lily," Severus uttered as he stood up and pulled a seat for her. "Here, take your seat." He motioned to the chair, and she sat down, facing him. She smiled, saying, "It's been ages since I last saw you. How are you doing?" she asked.
He couldn't think of an appropriate reply to her query. "I… I'm doing fine." Deep within him, he knew it wasn't the truth.
He stared at her. An awkward silence filled the air. Truly, it didn't felt the same as before, when both of them were comfortable with each other's presence. He could never bring back the old days of their youthful, carefree life, those days that they spent together. Everything was different now. He knew the reason for asking her to meet up with him in this secluded, Muggle coffee shop somewhere in London.
But what he didn't understood is why she accepted the offer, knowing that she was about to get married in a few days. Perhaps, she, too, felt the need to see him for the last time, like what he felt at this moment?
One more day, one last look
Before I leave it all behind
And play the role that's meant for us
That said we'd say goodbye…
As they sipped their coffee, Severus Snape and Lily Evans conversed in moderate voices. Mostly, there were questions; about life after Hogwarts and career plans, which they didn't elaborated. Then Severus asked her that question without meaning to.
"You're getting married this month, right?"
Lily almost dropped the cup of coffee she held, but was able to put it down on her saucer. She was surprised he even bothered to ask. "Yes, I'm getting married to James next week." Her eyes avoided his gaze. She knew that her fiancée and Severus weren't exactly the best of friends.
When she looked up at him, it was obvious that he tried to smile at her. "That's good to hear," he said softly, masking the pang of hurt that tugged at his heart. "I'm glad you found someone you love and who will love you for the rest of your life." Severus knew that he wasn't sincere when he said those words, and hated himself for pathetically hiding the jealousy that was slowly killing him deep inside.
"I am happy about this," Lily said, and took another sip of her coffee. Her voice sounded distant to him. No words followed her statement, and a long, suffocating silence followed.
As he looked at her intently, Severus tried to memorize her face. He knew that it was the last time he could see her, the last day wherein she and him could be together. Maybe he could pretend that they were still friends, even just this once.
If I promise to believe will you believe?
That there's nowhere that we'd rather be
Nowhere describes where we are
I've no choice, I love you
Leave, love you, wave goodbye…
Later on, Lily asked him if they could take a walk downtown. Severus agreed. They finished their coffee, and left the coffee shop.
Outside, it was a clear day. The streets of London were abuzz with the usual everyday activities. Stores were open, and people walked around, going about with their daily business. Severus recalled that he and Lily once took a stroll downtown when they were younger. It was summer vacation then. Because of that experience, he became familiar with London as Muggles knew it. It helped him understood the life she lived before coming to Hogwarts, the wizarding school.
Nothing's changed with the scenery. As he looked around, Severus saw a young couple who held hands, laughing as they walked. It amazes him how this day was so normal for them, when for him, he knew he could never see Lily again after this. Here he was, with his former best friend, who was about to tie the knot with the man she loved dearly, and his enemy at that. He knew that he could never be James Potter. No one could replace him in her heart. No, it was never going to be him.
"Why are you so quiet, Sev?" Lily asked, noticing that he never said a word to her since they left the coffee shop. She looked at him, lost in his thoughts.
He glanced at her sidewards. "You never got used to me," he said dryly. "I've always been this quiet, remember?" He smiled weakly at her.
"Oh yeah, I forgot," Lily answered, laughing softly. She knew how he felt. But what he didn't know was how she felt after they ended their friendship. She never told him that she missed him a lot, nor how hard she cried when he told her that they should stop being friends from that day forward. They have to end their friendship because of circumstances which they have no control of. She was a Muggle-born girl, and his friends in Slytherin house disapproved of him being with her. He, on the other hand, had a longtime fixation with the Dark Arts, which her own friends did not tolerate.
If only they gave him a chance. Lily knew that there was goodness in him. But people were quick to judge on him because of his appalling façade. They never saw the person beneath the greasy-haired kid he was.
At one point, Lily admitted to herself that she did love him. But that love she had was only equivalent to puppy-love. Maybe if they continued their friendship, her love would have grown deeper. She might have been able to reciprocate the feelings he hid from her. But now it's all too late.
She knew that she could never be friends with him again. This day was the only day in her life she was given to make up for the lost time they missed. She wanted to believe that it was still possible, that they could remain friends after what happened to them. But it would be useless. Both of them knew that their so-called "relationship" was going nowhere. Nowhere is where they stand at this point. They have no choice but to end this "nowhere" properly, to put a final closure to this.
And all I ever wanted was to stay
And nothing in this world's gonna change…
They spent the rest of the afternoon at the local park, near the village where Lily grew up. Both sat next to each other on a bench under a tree, snacking on an ice cream cone. Lily treated him to one, and Severus couldn't decline the offer. Again, they were fifteen years old.
"I remember the first time I ate ice cream," Severus said smilingly as he bit into his mint-and-chip ice cream. "My teeth hurt badly because it was so cold."
"You almost threw up the first time you ate one," Lily kidded him as she finished her cone.
"I did?" he asked, pretending to be surprised. He popped the rest of the cone into his mouth.
Lily nudged him playfully on the ribs. "Oh, you get offended so easily!" she exclaimed. He pretended to look annoyed.
"Stop looking at me like that!" She ruffled his hair, trying to make it messy.
"Don't mess up my hairdo Evans!" Severus joked as he pretended to flung her arms away from his head. He got even with her, and started pulling at her mass of thick, shoulder-length red hair.
"Aw, Snape, stop touching my hair!" Lily exclaimed laughingly.
"You were the one who started it!" Severus shot back in between laughs. Their banter came to a halt as they leaned back on the park bench, laughing.
"You used to do that to me whenever you find me annoying," Severus told her, catching his breath because he laughed so hard.
"I just like ruffling your hair, that's it," Lily said, her voice squeaky.
"The last time you did, I kissed you," he recalled. They were each other's first kiss, and her soon-to-be husband had no inkling of it. It was a sweet little secret between the two of them.
She shot a snide glance at him. "I remember that. What did you do that for?" she asked, rolling her eyes.
"You didn't like it, huh?" Severus asked coolly.
I did like it, and I'll never forget it, Lily mused. She remembered how that kiss felt so real. She felt like saying this to him, but now, it wasn't so right anymore. "I didn't," she replied. "You don't kiss so well, Severus Snape." She looked at him rudely, and he knew that she was pretending to look offended.
"Want me to do it again?" he asked as he inched his face closer to her. He really looked like he was about to kiss her. Lily turned away, saying, "Have you forgotten that I'm about to get married?"
Severus paused. "Oh I forgot," he muttered apologetically. He looked away from her and slumped back on the bench.
"Have you been dating anybody?" Lily suddenly asked, trying to change the topic. Severus did not reply to her. She understood what he meant, and dared not to ask again.
He knew in his heart that he could never love another girl the way he loved Lily Evans. Nothing can change that. She was his first and his last, and it'll remain that way. As much as he wanted to stay with her longer, he knew time will come that they must have to say goodbye to each other. He never expected that the one he so loved would be the cause and cure of his agony.
As Lily sat with him for what seemed like forever, she realized that she could never have the heart to forget him as long as she lived. She would always carry a part of him wherever she may be, because of the friendship they shared. But she knows that they couldn't go on playing this charade forever. It was for the good of them. Should they try to work things out, it would never work because the circumstances have changed. Letting go of each other wasn't an option; it was the only choice.
But I never will regret a single day
I know it isn't going to go away
What I'm feeling for you
I will always love you
Leave, love you wave goodbye
And all, and all I ever wanted was to stay
Nothing in this world's gonna change…
Dusk fell. The time came for them. They stood near the park gate, looking at each other for the last time.
"I guess this is it," Lily said, her voice quivering.
Severus tried to smile at her. "Don't worry for me. Just be happy on your wedding day, okay? Best wishes for both of you." He was doing his best to be happy for her, even if he was feeling otherwise.
"I will." Lily smiled, her eyes looking watery. "Thank you… for everything."
"Thank you, Lily." He stepped back as if he was about to go, but before he could do so, he said, "Can I ask you a favor?"
"What is it?" she asked.
"When we turn our backs on each other, let's walk forward, and not look back." It broke his heart as he said those words. He didn't have the heart too see her walking away from him.
"Is that so?" Lily looked at him inquiringly.
"Yes."
"I'll count up to three, and when I say 'three', we'll walk away," Lily suggested. She paused, and then said, "One…two…"
It was like a countdown to his death sentence.
"…Three."
Upon the last word, Lily Evans and Severus Snape turned on their heels as if on cue, and walked away slowly from each other without looking back, without saying another word. Tears started to fall from his eyes and he cried silently as he walked, his head downcast. I'll never get over you. I love you, Lily…I love you.
He hadn't gone further yet when he heard her voice, which made him stop dead in his tracks.
"Sev."
She uttered his name like a lost child. He stopped himself from looking back at her, but his steadfastness didn't prevailed. As he turned to her, Lily ran to him and put her arms around him, crying as she buried her face on his shoulder.
Never wanna wake up from this night
Never wanna leave this moment
Waiting for you, only you
Never gonna forget every single thing you do
When loving you is my finest hour
Leaving you, the hardest day of my life…
They held each other for a long time as they cried. Severus wrapped her tightly in his arms, never wanting to let go of her. He wanted to freeze this moment in time. "You lied to me," he said in between tears. "You… you promised not to look back."
"Severus, forgive me," Lily said, weeping. "Forgive me… I let all of these happen… I'm sorry… sorry." She said those words, for she felt guilty that he fell for her, knowing that she never felt the same love as he did.
"Don't say sorry." He cupped her face in his hands, looking straight into her tear-filled eyes. He kissed her forehead and her cheek, and held her again. "We never want to let this happen, we both knew that. Don't feel guilty about it." He never regretted that he fell in love in her; the only regret he had was that he didn't have the courage to fight for her since the beginning.
I should have fought for you, Lily, even if loving you was wrong, he thought with regret.
"I have to go now," Lily told him tearfully as she broke free from him.
"I'm allowing you," Severus said mournfully. "I love you…goodbye." He never forgot the look on her face as she turned away from him, without ever looking back. I love you. It broke her heart to hear those words from him. Lily mustered all her courage not to turn and see him for the last time. She hated herself for being the cause of his distress because he loved her.
He wanted to ran after her and hold her again. But he forced himself not to. Severus knew that everything is over for both of them.
"Lily!" he called out to her. "Lily!"
He expected for her to take a second glance, to turn to him again. But she didn't. Lily heard him, and was tempted to return. You can't look back anymore, she told herself. It would be hard for both of you to let go of each other if you do. As painful as it was to her, Lily accepted the fact that their friendship had finally came to an end. Yet she did him a favor, and didn't cause him more pain than the hurt he felt at this moment. It would hurt you more if I stayed.
Why did fate played with us? Severus asked himself, falling down on his knees. Heaven knows I could never stop myself from loving her. It was the hardest day of his life. He knew he was never going to get over this. He'll have to live with this pain for the rest of his life.
But the pain would be all worth it when he realized something: she did love me. It brought solace to him, knowing that their goodbye was one way of healing the agony he kept for so long. Both of them had set each other free and had put an end to their nowhere. Though he knew he'll never be the same, Severus knew that he'll never stop loving her as long as he lived. And this, he'll never regret.
He stood up and walked away bravely, knowing that he can never look back and see her standing there.
FiN
A/N: Huhuhu… this is so sad! It's the first sad fanfic I've written. Sorry to break your hearts, Lily/Sev fans (I'm breaking my own heart too). Too bad Snape died at the end of the HP series. He deserves to have another shot at love... I really feel sorry for Professor Snape. Because I now know what his true character is, he's now my favorite. ;) Thanks for reading this! Reviews please!