Hey everyone. I've rewritten the first chapter of this fic as I've decided to move forward and update it. Second chapter is pretty much almost finished so that will be coming soon. In this chapter Arnold will be singing, and as I've heard we cannot post song lyrics, when he does, please listen to Imogen Heap's "It's good to be in Love" which inspired this fic.
I can feel the sweat pouring down my face as we prepare for the last number of the night. Taking out my lucky pink handkerchief, I try for the umpteenth time to wipe it away. It isn't just the stage lights that are causing the perspiration on my forehead, upper lip, sideburns and pretty much everywhere else on my body; it's my nerves.
Could I do this? Yes, it's true that I have successfully taught them the melody and the beat, but the words; those would be a surprise to everyone. I wrote them for her, or rather for me. This feeling that has bubbled up in my chest, that threatens to gurgle out every time I speak, every time I look at her, I just can't take it anymore. She has to know, which means I have to 'man up' and just tell her. 'Remember, inhale and exhale' the voice inside my head says. 'Well', I think to myself, 'at least my fingers have finally stopped twitching'.
The crowd is large today, evidence of the following we've been building up on campus, and while on other days this would excite me beyond belief, it doesn't help the butterflies in my stomach, the lump in my throat, and this insufferable perspiration. I unstrap my guitar, pull off my plaid shirt and tie it around my waist before re-strapping it across my chest. Gerald must've done a great job entertaining them during the short break because they're pumped. Their cheers are deafening and I briefly wonder what urban legend he wowed them with this time. But it's hard to focus on anything knowing I'm about to pour my guts out to the woman I've been in love with since before I even knew what love was. My mind is wandering again, as are my eyes - although they don't need to look for her. They'd found her a while ago; when she first walked in, an hour and a half late.
In all honesty, I wasn't surprised she'd turned up so late, but I couldn't help feeling disappointed. She used to come early enough to help us set up. I mean, as former member of the band and ghostwriter for most of our songs, she had been pretty invested in our success up until a few months ago when things started to change. Thinking about these past few months, I struggle to smile as I take my place in front of the microphone. I miss her, a lot.
And it's not just her physical presence that I miss. When I first caught sight of her striding through the door I almost choked on my own saliva mid-song, which would have been a disaster if Phoebe and Lila weren't such great back-up vocalists. She is in entirely different attire tonight and it's pretty obvious what took her so long. The black body-con dress may be one of the many new additions to her wardrobe - I've certainly never seen it before –but it almost feels symbolic of her recent transformation. Don't get me wrong, Helga has always been gorgeous, well not always, but she's certainly never needed a dress and make up to show off her beauty. God how I hope she knows that.
From the corner of my eye I see some creep striding confidently towards her and I feel a different kind of heat rising in my chest. Jealousy. I gotta admit, of the seven sins, it's the one I've felt the most recently. 'Deep breaths Arnold, deep breaths. This is Helga Geraldine Pataki. She knows how to handle herself.' I watch as she carefully pulls her drink closer to her and stares the jerk down. I can feel my lips curve up into a smirk as the guy visibly halts, but my eyes soon return to glaring as he somehow finds the nerve to continue his pursuit. He clearly doesn't know whom he's dealing with and the slaughter he's rushing towards. Words are exchanged, and sure enough, Helga quickly dispatches the unwanted man. He must've been so charmed by her witty conversation. A chuckle escapes my throat as I remember all of the times I've been on the receiving end of her witticisms. If he couldn't appreciate everything that was Helga G. Pataki, he didn't deserve her.
I raise my gaze so it rests on her back, willing her to turn around, to see me again and to know. But she doesn't turn so I clear my throat to gain her attention, the microphone amplifying my voice across the room. She turns, her electric blue eyes meeting mine over the heads of dozens of people and she shivers, or maybe I just imagined that. She runs her tongue across her lips and suddenly my mouth feels dry.
My eyes dart back to the crowd whose applause dragged me out of the trance I was pulled into. "Um.. thanks everyone for being here. It's been great, but it's about time we called it a night don't you think?" Sounds of disappoint fill the room as my gaze wanders back to the bar where I now have the undivided attention of a Ms. Helga G. Pataki. "But before we go, we have a new number for you, written for a special someone by none other than yours truly." Her eyebrows furrow and she reaches up to rub her elbow.
I try to smile, but the audience erupts in whistles and my whole body suddenly feels like its on fire. The sudden attention hits me in the gut and I can't help the nonsensical sputtering emanating from my mouth. This is completely and utterly embarrassing. Why did I think this was a good idea? I look to my best friend at the keyboard for support, knowing very well I wouldn't be getting any. This was a bad idea. There was a reason I didn't tell Gerald. He would've talked some sense into me.
I look back to the woman who has stolen my heart only to find that she is gone. "I've known her for quite some time now" my eyes dart around but fail to find her. Did she go to the bathroom or something? I shut my eyes tightly willing her to be there. "and am now only finding the courage to… " When I open them again my gaze immediately finds her by the door standing next to him. My lips curl as I struggle to grasp the sad reality. She invited Ryan. She invited her boyfriend, who decides to show at the end of the night when I am making my confession. Of course, he's as immaculately dressed as ever - in black skinny jeans and a red turtleneck that shows off his toned body - and she seems to be engrossed in something he is saying.
I feel my heart sink, and I can't help but feeling that I have somehow inherited Eugene's bad luck. "…Well maybe it's too late," it's certainly too late to turn back now I think bitterly, "but in any case, I hope you guys enjoy." I count off and the pounding of drums registers in my ears as I feel the words begin to flow from my mouth effortlessly.
As the music begins she turns happily to face the stage and Ryan places an arm around her shoulder. I've got to admit, they look good together. He's tall, and handsome and she is beautiful beyond comprehension. As I stare at them, memories of the description Helga gave when she first started talking about Ryan began to pour into my mind. His soft brown hair cropped short. His freshly shaved chiseled face. I try to smile, but I can't help the feelings of inferiority building. This needs to stop.
My eyes focus on Helga's as we hit the chorus. I watch as her eyes widen impossibly large before a myriad of emotions pass quickly over her face. There she goes biting her lips again; a nervous habit of hers. As I sing I watch her body tense up. Memories flash through my mind. Memories of words passing lips causing rose-colored cheeks. Memories on the field; of collisions, off-colored bruises and laughter. Memories of long awaited skype conversations disrupting the banality of schedules. Memories, and regrets.
I feel sorry. Sorry that I didn't say this sooner. Sorry that we aren't together. Sorry that I lost my chance. I know this isn't fair to her, but it's the only thing I can do. She rubs at her eyes, disrupting our previously uninterrupted eye contact. My voice cracks and my soul pleads for forgiveness as the music begins to fade. I close my eyes as the sound of the crowd drowns the beating of my aching heart. When I open them again, they are gone.
I've never felt so alone before. We're backstage cleaning up in silence. I could feel Phoebe glaring daggers at my back. She bumps past my shoulder as she makes her exit. She is surprisingly strong for a girl who is a good 6 inches shorter than me. She is quickly followed out by Gerald who places a comforting arm on my shoulder. He shakes his head solemnly and mumbles "bold dude" under his breath. We touch knuckles for our customary handshake before he takes his leave as well. Without them saying so, I know I've disappointed them. I know I am supposed to just be happy for her, and I am sorry that I'm not a better person. I squat down to pack up my guitar.
"That was an ever so beautiful song Arnold." I can hear Lila's gentle, soothing voice behind me. Looking up at the ceiling, I close my eyes.
"Thanks Lila. I appreciate it."
"Don't worry about it. Hey Arnold,"
"Yes, Lila"
"Well, if you ever need anything, I am only a phone call away." I smile half-heartedly.
"Don't worry about me. I'm sure as long as I can be her friend, I will learn to deal. Why don't you go wait out front and I'll walk you home." I watched as she nodded and walked away.
I close my eyes for a moment, determined to take the events of the night in. I feel tears prick at my eyes and I am angry with myself. I stand up, pulling on my plaid shirt before straightening myself out. I move to turn towards the exit when I feel a pair of strong hands grip my shoulder and slam me against the wall. I look back at Ryan's threatening face, shocked by the anger I see there. In my few encounters with him, he had always been so polite, formal and familiar.
"What the bloody hell was that Arnold?"
"I am sorry, Ryan. I just... I just... I love her."
"After all these years. After all the years of her being in love with you, you decide to love her when she is taken. When she is happy with me?" I could feel my eyes widen.
"It's not what you think. I was planning on confessing once she came back from England. I just didn't expect that she would come back with you. I've loved Helga for so long, I want her to be happy, but, I just… you don't know what it is to love someone that long." His eyes flashes and he pulled me off the wall before slamming me into it again. I hadn't wanted to hurt her.
"Cut the shit. Do you know what your stunt did to her? Tell me Arnold, how selfish are you?" I winced as I felt his fingers dig into my skin. For a lean guy, he was surprisingly strong.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." The prickly feeling in my eyes was returning along with a new wave of self-hatred.
"Not yet you are you bloody bastard!" I was completely unprepared for the sharp blow that connected to my jaw, but resigned myself for the second one I knew was coming. I shut my eyes tightly. I deserved this.
"Brainy!" My eyes popped open searching, but Ryan's body was blocking my view. Was it my imagination, or was she really here?
"Helga?" I grunted out, before a slight gasp escaped my throat when a fist connected with my gut.
"Brainy, stop! Please." She was begging. She shouldn't have to beg, especially not for me. I looked up at Ryan's face, lips formed into a grimace as he growled back at her before letting me slump to the floor.
It wasn't until I leaned my head back against the wall to catch my breath that my mind caught up with all that had just happened. I looked up, softly calling the figure in front of me. "Brainy?"