*DISCLAIMER: Because this work of writing is based on the Avengers movie, the first two chapters are the scenes that come before the huge title drop. I would advise starting at Ch 3 if you want to skip the intros and go straight to the MCs.*

Chapter 1

"And there came a day, a day unlike any other when Earth's mightiest heroes and heroines found themselves united against a common threat. On that day, the Avengers were born - to fight the foes no single superhero could withstand! Through the years, their roster has prospered, changing many times, but their glory has never been denied! Heed the call, then - for now, the Avengers Assemble!

An armoured figure who looks almost half-naked kneels before a throne, bowing. "The Tesseract has awakened. It is in a little world. A human world. They would wield its power... "

A greasy-haired man suddenly appears behind the figure and the figure stands up to meet him. "Loki."

The figure hands him the chitauri sceptre, long and golden with a blue gem. The figure speaks, "But our ally knows its workings as they never will. He's worked with the top psychologists at Harvard, Stanford, and Princeton University. He is ready to lead. And our force, our Chitauri, will follow.

"The world will be his. The universe yours. And the humans, what can they do but burn?"

A remote research facility is panicking and in an evacuation. People stream out of the buildings as a swooping helicopter flies in.

It skids to a halt and only two people clamber out. Agent Maria Hill follows S.H.I.E.L.D. Director Nick Fury. He gazes around with his one good eye, blood-shot from always being used. His neck is abnormally long and thick from always being exercised and stretched in order to get a full picture of the scene.

Agent Phil Coulson runs up to him, tripping on his long pant legs. The director turns and barks, "On a scale of one to ten how bad is it? Answer yes or no."

Phil blinks his eyes. "I don't know how to - "

" - yes or no, Coulson."

"Yes?"

"Gosh, that's bad," Fury responds, his bald head shining. "Ahem, lead the way."

Coulson leads Hill and Fury down to the radiation section of the facility. Staff and engineers and technicians are running around like scared mice, grabbing various tools and papers.

Phil clears his throat as they wait for Nick Fury to tie his combat boot shoelaces. The director keeps struggling to do so with one eye.

"Goddamn hand-eye coordination!"

"Dr Selvig read an energy surge from the Tesseract four hours ago," Coulson says.

Nick rolls his one eye from where he is bent over. "Freaking NASA always meddling with everything! Why'd they tell him to test phase? "

"Selvig wasn't testing it, sir. He wasn't even in the room. Spontaneous advancement."

"Oh. What are the energy levels now? 200 EXP? 1000 EXP with plus four advancements?"

"What?" Phil Coulson backs away slightly. "They're climbing, sir. When Selvig couldn't shut it down, we ordered the evac."

"How long to get everyone out?" Maria Hill asks, impatiently bending down and tying Nick Fury's shoelaces for him.

"Campus should be clear in the next half hour."

"Do better!" Nick Fury screams. "Next half second! You know I don't like when people don't follow my orders! That's when I send them to Tahiti."

"A magical place," Hill agrees.

Coulson's eye twitches as he nods at the director. "Yes, sir."

"Sir, evacuation may be futile," Maria Hill informs the director.

"We should tell them to go back to sleep? Perfect idea," Nick Fury replies. "SLEEP IS FOR PEOPLE WITHOUT ACCESS TO THE INTERNET."

Maria rubs her face, exhausted with putting up with Fury. "If we can't control the Tesseract's energy, there may not be a minimum safe distance."

"I need you to make sure that PHASE 2 prototypes are shipped out," he says.

"Sir, is that really a priority right now?"

Fury makes an unnecessarily sarcastic UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH sound for approximately fifteen minutes. "Mary, clear out the tech. The world is not going to end! It's going to explode! Get a rocket ship and fly that outta here! Hurry!"

"It's Maria," Maria mutters.

Fury does a front flip into the Tesseract holding room. "Talk to me, doctor!"

Dr Erik Selvig emerges from behind a machine as the Tesseract glows brighter and brighter. "Director."

"Don't' 'director' me," Nick says. "Tell me what my prescription is."

"Uh, the Tesseract is misbehaving... "

"Mis-behaving? Mis-behaving? Are you making fun of me, doctor?"

"No, no, the Tesseract, sir. You know..."

"Ah, how soon until you pull the plug?"

"She's an energy source. If we turn off the power, she turns it back on."

Nick Fury looks wildly around. "No, no! Why are you talking about my mother? I'm talking about the goddamn plug!"

He points to a large vending machine holding Red Bull, Monster, and Starbucks Venti Coffee. Four scientists are standing around it, chugging drinks and completely unaware that an evacuation has been happening in their midsts.

"When are you going to pull the plug?! They're wasting S.H.I.E.L.D. money!"

"Sir, that's NASA's."

"Oh, then that's fine."

Dr Selvig groans. "Anyways sir, I was talking about the Tesseract."

"Ah, yes, that can be harmful," Nick Fury says wisely. He pulls out a stuffed horse and shrugs. "Where's Barton?"

"The Hawk? Up in his nest," Selvig says, pointing up. "As usual."

Clint Barton jumps down three stories. There's a crunching sound when he reaches the bottom. "Ow, my legs." Somehow his legs bend back into position with a weird rubbery sound.

"Agent Barton, report," Nick Fury commands. "You never freaking do what I ask you to do."

"I see better from a distance. I'm far-sighted." Clint puts on his thick glasses. His eyes are like round pancakes with little blueberries in the middle.

"And you need to get your identity crisis checked," Nick Fury advises.

"What?"

"You're not a hawk, Clint. You're not handsome enough."

Clint lets out a huff of air. "There's a reason I'm called Hawkeye, Nick."

"Yeah, and it's not because you're a hawk."

"Yeah, you're right," Clint says. "It's because I'm a hot-guy. Say it with me."

"Hot-guy."

Dr Selvig places his head in his hands.

There is a moment of intense silence as the two Marvel characters hold a staring contest. Then, "Doctor, it's spiking again," a scientist says.

Selvig hurries over, grateful for the excuse to get away from the Director and Hawkeye.

"There wasn't any tampering," Clint informs Fury, blinking behind his thick glasses as Selvig scrambles around. "If there were, it wasn't at this end."

"From the mouth then?"

"Speaking of mouths," Clint says, scrutinizing Fury behind his thick lenses. "You should really do something different with yours, honey! Put some lipstick on is what I always say!"

A gust of blue energy clouds suddenly erupt from the Tesseract and a vortex is created.

Loki emerges from the heavy fog, breathing heavily. He is exhilarated at his success. S.H.I.E.L.D. guards approach him cautiously, but he is already aiming his weapon at them.

Obviously, Nick Fury has to say something and ruin the moment. "GoddaMN, son, put down your spear! It's not hunting season yet. You're in the wrong century, too. Try the 1600s for spear-hunting."

Loki looks at his spear and then shoots a blue exploding light towards them. Barton tackles Fury, both barely missing Loki's shot. Machine guns are fired at Loki, but the bullets bounce off of him like a boss.

Taking down all the guards and remaining scientists, Loki stands watching Barton and Fury untangling themselves from each other. Barton tries to stand up as Loki walks towards him.

"You have heart," Loki says, pointing the head of his spear at Barton.

"You're damn right he does," Nick Fury exclaims. "What do you think he is, the Tin Woodsman from freaking Oz?" Barton's eyes glow black.

Meanwhile, Fury quietly places the Tesseract in its case and tries to sneak out of the lab...

"Please don't," Loki says. Fury shrieks and drops the case in surprise. "I still need that."

"This doesn't have to get any messier," Nick says.

"Of course it does," replies Loki calmly. "I've come too far for anything else. I am Loki of Asgard, and I am burdened with glorious purpose."

Selvig speaks from where he is cowering behind a cabinet. "Loki? Brother of Thor?"

Fury raises his large hand. "Oh, I remember that guy. Long blonde Pantene hair, right?"

Loki quirks one eyebrow in confusion. "Pantene? What is this Pantene?"

"Looks like you might need a lot of it, judging by the state of your hair," Clint says from where is standing, his huge eyes fixed upon Loki's hair.

Loki glares at Clints and shrieks, "Silence, Legolas! Stop judging me! Everyone always judges me!"

"Just saying," he responds.

"We have no quarrel with your people," Nick says.

"An ant has no quarrel with a boot," Loki replies, leering.

"You planning to step on us?"

"I come with glad tidings, of a world made free."

"Free from what?"

"Freedom is life's greatest lie," says Loki, turning and placing his spear on Selvig's chest. Selvig's eyes glow black as he too turns into a servant of Loki's.

"Uh, no, " Fury says. "The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.' That's why I have Martha."

"It's Maria," Clint whispers to Fury.

"Goddammit."

"You will know peace," Loki growls.

"I kind of think you mean the other thing," Fury says. The Tesseract's energy builds into the vacuum chamber ceiling and massive shudders ripple through the facility.

Clint Barton pipes up, apparently remembering that he's supposed to be on Loki's side. "Fury is stalling. This place is about to blow. About to ka-boom and drop a hundred feet of rock on us. He means to bury us."

"Well, then, let's move," Loki commands.

AN: Hey guys, this is my Avengers parody! This'll be fun, mwahahahaha. Basically, everyone is a little crazy to moderately crazy to insane, except for a few people.. We'll see how it goes and if they can make it to the end of the movie script. Make sure to leave me some feedback! (And to everyone who just scrolls on to the next chapters w/o following or even reviewing - "Shame on you," says Nick F-swizzle. "I see yOUuuu")