Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars.
Warnings: Past Rape/Non-con
The red glow of Starkiller painted his pale face crimson, its blinding glare a gold against his pale green eyes. Hux watched emotionlessly as the beam traveled across the galaxy to the Hosnian system. The New Republic would soon be nothing more than dust in the expanse of space, and the First Order would be one step closer to controlling the galaxy.
Hux closed his eyes. His empty soul could almost hear their screams.
"Armie." The smile that radiated from the other boy nearly took his breath away. White teeth against a tan face with dimples he didn't know existed before, it was a smile just for him.
He remembered screaming when Jekri died. The red beam from the small blaster had shone just as brightly as Starkiller to his teenage self. The scar that ran across his back from his left shoulder down to his right hip was eternal proof of his weakness.
"You disgust me," Brendol Hux had spat at him, belt in one hand and the still smoking blaster in the other. He remembered wishing his father had used the latter on him instead of Jekri, but no, he was Brendol Hux's bastard son. He didn't deserve a clean death.
Destiny had other plans for him.
He opened his eyes. Above him little red dots marked the sky, projections of the dying worlds. Deciding that he had already remained on the platform for the proper amount of time, he excused himself from the spectacle.
Hux went straight to his quarters and plopped himself down on the lone sofa, burying his face in his hands. He knew he should feel victorious, but the adrenaline that had controlled him like a puppet during his speech had all but gone, leaving him as empty as before. The destruction of the Hosnian system did not make him feel any more in control than he did before, and a sudden surge of cold through the room reminded him of just that.
"Excellent work," Snoke whispered, his voice low and sadistic. Hux tried to push his thoughts of Jekri to the back of his mind, but he knew Snoke saw. The Supreme Leader always knew everything there is to know pertaining to him.
Hux didn't struggle as he tried to ignore the hands exploring him, hands that were not truly there. He cleared his mind like he had learned to do. He was empty. Empty. Nothing.
He was nothing.
His greatcoat slid to the floor.
Death and pain followed him everywhere. It was a never-ending cycle, the constant reminder of his place in this life.
.
Rabid cur.
He stared listlessly at the lifeless body of Supreme Leader Snoke sliced cleanly in half, granted the gift of a quick death. Empty sunken eyes stared straight ahead as the top half of his previous boss toppled like a rag doll to the ground, landing on the floor in a heap of gold garments with a thud.
Snoke was dead.
The thought rang through his head like an alarm along with all the implications that it carried. He could make out a faint glimmer at the end of the tunnel.
His eyes trailed through the rest of the carnage until he found a familiar mound of black across from the throne, and the light disappeared as quickly as it had come.
Hux let out an involuntary breath when he noted the slight rise and fall of Ren's side. His longtime rival was alive but unconscious at his feet, finally in a place where he had the upper hand. His hands trailed to his blaster. All he had to do was pull the trigger, and he would be free. He just…
His hands paused, frozen in place by doubt, by weakness, the very weakness that had plagued him through his life.
"Armie."
Ren woke with a start, and his arms dropped uselessly to his side.
He was too late.
Hux had allowed himself to hope for a moment, but as he felt the invisible hands clamp around his neck he knew he had hoped for too much.
"Long live the Supreme Leader," he choked out the words. Hope was something gifted to those of the Light. He had no right to hope.
He suddenly imagined hands all over him, the Force holding him down against the much too luxurious satin sheets in Snoke's bedchambers. Just as he began to feel the hold on his emotions slipping, he was free, his lungs gasping for air.
He wanted to vomit, but there were things to do, rebels to chase. Hux swallowed with some difficulty and followed the new Supreme Leader out of the throne room, out of the domain of his previous abuser into another.
The expedition to Crait fared no better. He had seen the trap the moment Luke Skywalker stepped onto the salt, had foreseen the Resistance barely slipping through their hands like water. He tried to warn Ren, had hoped that the other was sensible enough to listen, but Ren merely threw him aside like a rag doll.
Again, hope, he reminded himself, was not something he was privileged enough to have.
Hux watched as their new Supreme Leader bent over some unseen object on the ground, observed as Ren lifted his face to some hidden being above him. Those wide expressive eyes of the knight always reminded him of Jekri's.
He looked away. Ren was just another source of pain. There was no need to search for something that was not there.
.
Upon his return to his quarters, Hux allowed himself to collapse onto his bed fully clothed as soon as the door closed behind him. He found himself missing the familiar confines of the Finalizer. Sure, his quarters in the Supremacy were larger and much more extravagant, but there was nothing quite like sleeping in a ship that he commanded, a vessel that was his own, away from the physical manifestation that was Snoke, not that it mattered now.
He sat up, groaning as his side where he had slammed into the wall of the command ship ached in protest. Snoke's use of the Force had always been demeaning but concise, never enough to break bones like his father's sessions had, but enough to bruise both his pride and flesh, enough to hold him down for the slaughter whenever the previous Supreme Leader was feeling particularly hungry for his body.
On the other hand, his second subjugation to the new Supreme Leader's Force abilities was anything but controlled, akin to a punch thrown out of anger, meant to hurt. Hux rolled his left shoulder experimentally only to hold back a cry of pain. Something must have definitely fractured. He resolved to call for a med droid later to look at it, but for now he needed sleep.
He peeled off his jacket with some difficulty given his shoulder and tossed the garment to the sofa. Feeling new resolve now that he was free of the tight sleeves, he managed to strip off the rest of his clothes and headed to the refresher, determined to at least wash the salt of Crait out of his oily hair. He hadn't slept much since Starkiller, and it was starting to show.
The warm water on his bruises proved nearly too much for him to handle, and it was only after a few minutes of gritting his teeth did he manage to finally relax under the steaming jet. It wasn't long after that he walked out of the shower and finally saw his own reflection in the mirror.
A gaunt face stared back at him, complete with deep circles under his eyes and what looked like a pair of hand shaped marks around his neck. He cursed under his breath, knowing exactly where those came from. Hux stepped back, examining the rest of the damage done on his pale skin, a line of purple trailing from his shoulder down to his hip, some overlapping the scar across his back. He had always bruised easily; his father had treated the fact as another one of his many flaws.
Hux grimaced. Snoke was dead, and in his place was Ren, who was three times as brutal.
It was never-ending.
He allowed himself the luxury of collapsing back on his bed. Tomorrow, he decided. He will be back to his usual self tomorrow. He will rebuild the First Order, with or without Ren's support, just as he had been designed to do. For now, he will sleep it off.
However, he found even in the sweet embrace of sleep could he not escape his own mind. A familiar sight greeted him soon enough, and the form of Brendol Hux awaited him in the darkness of space.
"Useless," his father sneered as he loomed over him, belt in hand. "You will always be weak!"
"The Republic is all but dead," he tried to explain, curling in on himself as the leather whipped across his skin, painting it red. "T-the Hosnian system has been destroyed, just like you have always dreamed!"
"The Resistance still lives!" Another red streak marked his pale skin, complementing the bruises on his side. "Useless boy… weak..." It was like a chant, a never-ending onslaught.
The image of his father started to shift as Brendol raised his belt, and a sudden surge of screams echoed through the air. Hux covered his ears, trying to drown out the noise, to stifle his own weakness.
It was then he realized the screams were not his.
He saw Hosnian Prime in a sea of red flames.
Starkiller shone bright red, its beam illuminating the shadows. Some unseen power pushed him down and held him there to watch.
"Beautiful, isn't it?" The corners of Snoke's lips turned up to form a smirk. "Unlike you…" There were no dimples, no honey eyes, just darkness. Eternal darkness and pain…
He closed his eyes, not wanting to watch any longer, but Snoke laughed cruelly above him. "You belong to me. Be grateful I got rid of that father of yours." Fingers trailed along his back, and he felt a chill, his body suddenly exposed to the outside air.
"You live only to serve me."
He could feel the other push in without so much a hint of preparation.
The screams were his own now.
Stop…
Please…
Stop… STOP… STOP!
Then, suddenly all was quiet.
"Armie?"
He opened an eye cautiously, his body suddenly free again, his usual uniform covering his thin figure. He scanned the darkness for the source of the voice when a flash of red engulfed him, like the blaster from that day. Ren stood over him, lightsaber drawn.
"You're alone," his father's voice came out of Ren's mouth as he lifted the crackling weapon. "No one in the universe will save you now."
He eyes snapped open as the lightsaber pierced him straight through his heart, finding himself staring at the durasteel ceiling above him. He felt clammy and lifted a sweaty palm to his face, trying to cement himself back to reality.
The red glow of Starkiller shone across the ceiling, a reflection of the beam of light that had blew a hole through Jekri's head.
Hux bolted upward with a start and ran to the restroom, turning the water on the hottest setting before thrusting his hands into the scalding hot stream. He could almost see the blood that ran through them.
He had killed millions, and for what? He was never going to escape his fate.
In place of his father, in place of Snoke, was just another who would run him to the ground like the dirt he was.
It was never-ending.
His comm flashed, finally prompting him to remove his hands from the water. The heat had scalded them red. He expected them to peel in a few days.
.
The meeting with the new Supreme Leader was the most eventless he had ever had. He could tell the other was distracted, most likely by the Force-user girl from the Resistance. Hux wondered idly if Ren would eventually go to her side and abandon the First Order. If that were to happen, he supposed he should have to make the decision of whether or not to go out with a bang, there were more than one way to of course, or surrender himself to the enemy. Undoubtedly, they would prolong the process and end it with a public execution, nothing quick like a blaster to the head like Jekri or a saber through the gut like Snoke.
They were flashy like that. He had already seen it firsthand back in his youth, when the New Republic was at its strongest.
If he did surrender, what would become of his troops? FN-2187 had defected and seemed to be thriving within the Resistance. He supposed it wouldn't be too difficult for the others to adapt to the outside world.
For him, it was impossible. He had trapped himself in his fate the moment he fired Starkiller.
"General?" Ren's voice snapped him out of his reverie, and he blinked a few times, astounded that his thoughts had even drifted during a time like this.
"Is something the matter?"
Hux almost scoffed. Everything was fake. Ren was General Leia's son. He of course would be forgiven, would walk away from all of this without a scratch. Hux, on the other hand, was unwanted, fated to suffer the moment he was born. Why would the Supreme Leader care about his well-being now, when he had never done so before?
"Everything is fine," he lied. He wondered if the Supreme Leader had heard his treasonous thoughts. He knew better though; he knew exactly how it felt if the other was indeed looking. Snoke had schooled him in the horrid sensation long ago and had constantly reminded him how it felt.
Hux flinched when Ren stood up from his seat in the makeshift office and walked up to him slowly. He managed to steady himself when the other placed a tentative hand on his forehead.
"You will hide nothing from me. Let's see just what you are scheming in that great mind of yours," he taunted.
Hux fought the urge to close his eyes.
The invasion of his mind came slowly, almost like a lover's caress. His allowed his mental fortress to melt away like he had always done when Snoke decided to probe, having learned firsthand how helpless he was against the previous Supreme Leader. He supposed it was bound to happen eventually. Ren suspected him after all, given their history. He shuddered, trying not to think of the invisible hands that Snoke had used to touch him whenever he was off base.
This was just a standard mind-reading, just a standard…
"You really think that I would forsake the First Order so soon when I've just taken command of her?" a voice said in his head. He recognized it as Ren's. "She's mine to command, as are you. Now, show me."
His previous thoughts replayed through his head, and he could almost hear Ren scoff. He wondered why the other was being so gentle with this, although it wasn't like he wasn't offering the information freely.
"Of course, they would kill you slowly like the dirt you are. Come now, where are the plans?"
He was in his refresher again, feeling the scalding water wash over his hands, washing away the blood that was not there but forever there.
He could feel the other hesitate in his head. "You feel… guilt?" Ren's voice asked quietly after a moment. Hux frowned. He hadn't meant for that particular memory to surface. Ren was looking for plans, right? He should be focusing on plans. If only he hadn't shredded them, laid them to waste after he had realized just how hopeless everything was.
He was empty. Nothing.
"You can't be nothing."
Ren frowned and probed deeper.
The scene shifted.
Cold hands trailed down his naked body as his mind screamed in protest.
"Ren, stop," he gasped, forgetting all formalities as he used the new Supreme Leader's name.
He should be able to fight back; he knew he could throw the old disfigured creature off of him even with his skinny arms if not for the Force-
He regretted those thoughts the moment they escaped his mind as Snoke allowed him to hear his own screams as punishment when a sudden pain shot through his body.
"Stop!"
He fought the urge to curl into himself when Ren pulled away. The other looked like he was sinking, as he should for looking into his mind without his consent like that. Hux was almost sorry the other didn't find what he was looking for.
He let out a breath, sweat trickling down the side of his face as he tried to compose himself. Ren had seen everything.
It was never-ending. He closed his eyes, praying for the finishing blow. He had thought of surrendering. Wasn't that enough for treason? He thought of shoving the knife he always kept hidden in his sleeve into his own chest, but his left shoulder throbbed in protest before he even managed to attempt at the motion.
"You're excused for the day," Ren's voice echoed instead.
He nearly ran.
The following days seemed to pass in a daze, and no further summons came from the Supreme Leader. He didn't even see the other on the bridge, although he made a conscious effort to do most of his work in his office whenever he could, basking in the solitaire silence.
Hux was just a shell now, one that functioned off of instinct. He would keep the First Order running as he had been trained and molded to do. He was too cowardly to kill himself and too cowardly to surrender, instead drifting into the usual comfort of work that he had been programed to do.
Nothing mattered.
Nothing had ever mattered.
Thus, he proceeded to carry out his duties with this new sense of self, or of non-self he supposed. Sleep was thrown to the side even more violently than before, as every moment he spent away from the Finalizer was haunted by the merciless tug of his nightmares. A cycle passed without sleep, then another and another, and every extra stimulant he pressed into his thigh, every cup of caf he downed seemed to send an even smaller high than the last. He knew it was a natural consequence of what he was doing to himself, but he did not care.
He was going to crash, and he reveled in the knowledge of its coming. General Hux of Arkanis, found dead in his chair after working his life away for the First Order. It was quite a fitting end. Nothing more, nothing less. He would get the swift death he dreamed of.
"Sir?"
He blinked, not realizing that Mitaka had somehow walked up to him on the bridge.
"What is it, Lieutenant?"
"Um…" The younger man seemed hesitant, his eyes glancing to the others around him, who all averted their eyes. Hux wondered if he was nominated for this.
"You seem tired," he finally spoke.
"A figment of your imagination, I am sure," Hux replied. "Thank you for your concern." He nodded and briskly walked away, leaving Mitaka staring after him. The other looked like he wanted to say more, but he would got give him the chance.
He grimaced at the window in his office when he eventually reached it. Even his subordinates were starting to notice.
He just had to hide it a little bit longer.
.
Hux finally felt it coming a few cycles later as he was standing on the bridge and promptly excused himself. It was close to the time he "retired" for the day anyway, and he found himself shuffling towards his room in a daze, fighting the stars that had begun forming at the edge of his vision. He decided that this was probably not the best way to go.
He had expected it to be swift and painless, but he felt nauseous, and his heart pounded mercilessly against his rib cage, sending a surge of pain through his left shoulder. The pain stim from earlier must have worn off. He had forgotten to get that properly looked at, not that it mattered now.
He was going to collapse sooner or later, and at the moment he'd rather that it waited until he at least made it through the door of his quarters or his office, but his quarters were closer so he had set a course for that. He almost laughed. So, he did care about how his life ends. He supposed that was some improvement over the emptiness that had been constantly eating at him.
The stars were getting brighter. He cursed quietly, wishing it had come when he was alone at his desk earlier that day in the middle of everyone's sleep cycle.
Then, the last voice he wanted to hear echoed through his daze behind him.
"General?"
He made a point to ignore the Supreme Leader, choosing instead to continue his mission of making it in one piece to his room before he collapsed. He could care less at this point. Better yet, Ren should just run him through with that lightsaber of his like in his dream to expedite the process.
Of course, the brute had to grab his injured shoulder when he did not reply, and of course the pain that shot through his entire body had to leave him momentarily shocked. He supposed he really should have gotten that shoulder looked at two weeks ago. It was making this entire business much more difficult than it should be.
The cry of pain never even had a chance to grace his lips before he fell into the abyss that was always ready to claim him.
"Hux?" A shadow hovered over him, stopping his descent to the cold durasteel floor, the realm he had repeatedly crawled on the moment he was born, the very floor his father had beat him senseless into.
He wanted to smile at the ridiculousness of it.
"Hux! Hey!"
The other almost sounded worried.
.
He felt warm, much warmer than he had been in years. Everything seemed light, empty. It was a comforting abyss, this thing called death.
"Hux?"
The sound of his named coaxed him out of the sweet oblivion.
"Hey…"
It was that moment that he knew he had failed, just as he had failed so many times before.
Weak, useless boy…
He should just grab the dagger he always kept under his sleeve and plunge it into his heart. The end result would be the same now.
"No, don't do that," the voice said.
"Get out of my head," he mumbled, finally opening a bleary eye to the one person in the universe he'd rather not see. Ren was hovering over him, expressive eyes wide. The other could never hide emotions well, but this was definitely a new one.
"You overexerted yourself," Ren explained as he sat up with some difficulty.
"That I can see."
"And overdosed on stimulants," the Supreme Leader added. "You're lucky I followed you. They said if you had been left alone, then…"
Hux snorted. "Much thanks for that."
The dark eyes narrowed. "You planned this?"
Hux glared back at his unlikely savior. "What if I did?"
"Coward," Ren hissed.
The word didn't even affect him anymore. Yes, he was a coward. He was weak, useless. He was that boy in Arkanis and will always be his father's son, thin as a slip a paper and just as useless. He was Snoke's plaything, bound by the force and used for the other's pleasure like a common whore.
Ren bit his lip, seeming to catch on those thoughts as soon as they slipped from his mind, and Hux inwardly cursed. Even now, he was falling into the abyss, forever falling, a never-ending cycle. He would be broken, and then he would return just for them to break him again.
That must be his purpose in life, to always be under someone's heel, a dog's chew toy.
"No, it isn't."
His eyes met Ren's, confused. "Pardon?"
"That is not your purpose."
"And what do you know of purpose, when you cannot seem to find your own?" he snapped back, feeling some of that old fire coming back to him. He wished this would be enough to drive Ren over the edge, to finally plunge that crackling red lightsaber into his heart like he had fired Starkiller at the Hosnian system. To his dismay, even this did not seem to deter the other.
"Your purpose is something that you choose."
He scoffed at the idea of choice, something he had never made in his forsaken life. If he had a choice, he would have chosen to never have been born. His father…
A hand on his cut his thoughts short.
"Stop," Ren told him.
"Stop what?" he breathed. The touch was warm.
"Stop thinking about the past."
"I…" He didn't understand. Why was Ren trying to console him? Given their past...
"You're doing it again."
He closed his mouth, trying to understand what this anomaly was trying to imply. He didn't understand. Ren should be the one to run him through.
Instead, the other touched the marks around his neck, his fingertips trailing lightly along the healing bruises. "I did this, didn't I?" It wasn't a question.
Hux didn't fight him off as his hands moved to the fractured shoulder, now smoldered in bacta patches.
"They had to cut open your shoulder to realign the bone. It's mostly healed now," Ren explained. Hux flinched away involuntarily when a jolt of pain ran through him.
"Sorry…"
Hux blinked at him? Sorry? Since when did someone like Kylo Ren apologize? Nothing made sense. Ren was supposed to be a force of untamed power. Snoke had constantly reinforced it from the moment he brought Ren to them. He had seen it firsthand when Ren carelessly threw him against the side of the command ship like a rag doll. He was supposed to be Snoke's replacement in the line of Hux's abusers. Ren must just be softening him up before he went in for the kill. Snoke sometimes did that. He would congratulate him for a job well done only to fuck him senseless when he thought he was off the hook for that day. He could feel his veins run cold at the memory.
"Hux," Ren's voice tore him away from his thoughts. He must remind himself to stop doing that. "Look, I'm sorry," he repeated, his eyes pleading.
"Sorry, my son's hand slipped during one of their training exercises. He is still in shock as you can see."
His father had "apologized" to Jekri's parents when he told them Hux had killed their son. Hux had stood by silently, knowing that it wasn't far from the truth. Jekri had died because he cared. Apologies were nothing but empty gestures, blatant lies.
"You threw me against a wall in front of my men," he retorted, trying to summon some of that familiar anger that had seemed second nature to him, but there was nothing. He was nothing.
"I know. I shouldn't have," Ren admitted. Hux bit his lip. He didn't understand. What was this man trying to accomplish by apologizing to him?
"Why did you save me? Why do you care?"
"The First Order needs you." Ren seemed to realize that those were the wrong words as Hux proceeded to turn on him.
"Well I don't need any of it!" he spat with as much venom he could muster. Ah, there's the fire, he thought miserably when the words left his mouth. Hux knew it was blasphemy, knew that Ren could and should cut him down this instant for even uttering those thoughts.
However, Ren stayed still, contrary to his expectations. There was no outrage, no lightsaber, nothing. Hux felt as if his heart would implode under the weight. He was no longer even worth the other's wraft.
"I need you," Ren finally replied, his voice low.
Hux blinked at him. Ren was just saying it to say it. He knew the other had abandonment issues. After all, Ren had, and Hux was certain of this through the hidden footage that he had been sifting through, killed Snoke for the scavenger girl, had taken his own life into his own hands like Hux could never do.
"You don't need me," he muttered. "You're just latching onto me, because I'm the only one who's been there consistently the past few years, a convenient target."
"Perhaps," Ren admitted. Hux already anticipated this and brushed away the sting. However, he had not prepared himself for his former co-commander's next words. "But I still want you."
"That's preposterous." Who could want something as broken as him? Ren had already seen everything, and he was quite certain that there was nothing in any fiber of his being that would draw the other to him. Hope was an instrument of the Light, he reminded himself.
"Armie."
Jekri must have been the Light. That was why he was killed, because he had touched something as tainted as Hux.
He could feel the Force at the edge of his consciousness again now. It had been obvious that Ren had been looking into his thoughts since he had awoken, but he found it strange that he had not felt the other's actual presence until this moment. He flinched, suddenly reminded of hands against skin, Snoke's hands.
Ren sensed the change and pulled back.
Hux looked away, ashamed at his own weakness. An ungloved hand tentatively covered his, its calloused skin warm against his, completely different from Snoke's. He shivered but did not shy away from the touch.
"No one will ever hurt you again. I will protect you."
Hux looked up, seeing expressive eyes. "Why?" he nearly choked on his words. "I am nothing."
"You are not nothing," Ren breathed. "You've never been nothing to me."
Hux blinked at this. He didn't understand. There has been nothing but animosity between the two of them since Kylo Ren stepped foot onto the Finalizer. "Since when?"
Ren shot him a mischievous smile. He let out a breath, daring to hope, knowing he was weak for even considering the temptation.
"The Light. The Dark. Nothing matters anymore," Ren said, sensing his thoughts. "Snoke is dead."
"You killed him," Hux found himself commenting.
The honey eyes turned into fire. "I should have made it more painful."
Hux gulped, shrinking under that fire. Kylo seemed to sense his uneasiness and the fire retracted into a soft flame. He found himself staring at his hands, still encased in Ren's.
"Let go of the past," Ren said softly. "We will destroy Snoke's First Order, rebuild it into something new. You want that, don't you?"
"What do you know about what I want?" he countered.
"Armitage," Ren whispered, his voice a beautiful low rumble. "I know what it is you seek."
Hux gulped. What was it that he wanted? Acceptance? Companionship? He didn't know himself anymore.
All he knew was that as he surrendered under the kiss, soft, protective, it was over. The cold had dissipated, clearing his mind with a warmth he had forgotten he possessed, had buried under mountains of ice the day Jekri died.
Kylo Ren, with all his destruction and volatility, had broken the cycle.
Thank you so much for reading! *hugs* It's my first Kylux piece, and there's an (eventual) companion piece from Kylo's POV on the way!