After he sank out of the video, Virgil went straight to his room. He had sunk out as soon as an acceptable moment presented itself. The encounter with Deceit had left him reeling, and he needed time alone to recover.
He sat down on his bed in his corner of the mindscape, sighing and running his fingers through his hair. When he looked at his hands, he found they were shaking. He felt like so much crap. He had let Deceit fool him into thinking that the lying Side was Patton, and Virgil had bought it. For so long, too.
He felt like he'd somehow betrayed Patton by not noticing the signs earlier than he had. Now that he looked back on it, it should have been obvious right from the start. The lack of dad jokes, his reactions to the performances Thomas and Roman were putting on…Hell, he wasn't even wearing the right clothing! He'd put on Patton's simple grey cardigan, but Patton hadn't worn that since Logan had gifted him the cat cardigan. But Virgil hadn't noticed all these factors early enough, and he had allowed himself to be just as fooled as the rest of them.
His chest felt tight, like he couldn't draw in enough oxygen.
This was just one more time Deceit had tricked him.
Someone knocked on his door and he jumped in fright, falling off the bed and landing with a hard thump onto the ground.
"Virgil? Are you alright in there?" Virgil heard Logan call from the other side of his door. "I would like to speak with you, if that is okay with you."
"I'm fine, Logan." He called, getting to his feet and rubbing his now sore hip. For a moment, he debated just telling the logical side that it was not, in fact, okay, and that he would prefer that Logan left him alone – which he would, and besides, what if it was Deceit in disguise again? – but he knew that he wasn't the only one who felt guilty after having been fooled by Deceit today, and he doubted the serpentine side would try anything again so quickly, so he sighed, and opened the door.
The sight of the logical side standing as straight and upright as humanly possible greeted him. "Come in, Logan." He said. The logical side adjusted his tie ever so slightly, and entered. Virgil sat down on his bed and gestured his guest to his desk chair. Logan sat and they fell into silence for a moment.
"Virgil." Logan said eventually.
"Yeah?" He responded tiredly.
"I have reflected on my observations of your interactions with Deceit today, and-" Logan must have noticed the slight flinch Virgil gave at the mention of Deceit, because he stopped, a look of concern passing over his face. He quickly steeled his expression into one of indifference and started again, this time getting straight to the point.
"You know Deceit, don't you, Virgil." It was a question, but also a statement. Like Logan had already decided what the answer was.
"We all do." Virgil deflected, not quite answering the question. He knew there was no point delaying this interrogation –well, it wasn't really an interrogation, though it certainly felt like it– but he wanted to keep away from this subject. He was not prepared to face it. He hadn't even come to terms with what had happened himself – he wasn't ready to discuss it with Logan.
Logan seemed to disagree.
"Yes, we were always aware that Deceit was there, in the back of Thomas' mind, but you, Virgil, seem to know him. Personally."
"What the Hell are you talking about?" Virgil barked. Logan was right. He knew Logan was right. Logan was always right.
"You were the first of us to notice that it wasn't really Patton." Logan explained. "You were the first to recognise Deceit for who he was. And your interactions with him directly before and after he was revealed suggests that the two of you have a history." Logan paused, watching Virgil for a moment, before continuing.
"When he revealed himself, he looked directly at you. Of all of us he could have focused his attention on, he chose you. Not to mention the petty banter the two of you engaged in, and the way you looked at him."
"The way I looked at him?" Virgil snapped. Logan twitched slightly, and Virgil realised he was making his friend nervous, but his anger was taking hold, and Virgil didn't stop. "Did it not occur to you that I was angry with him for impersonating my best friend? Our best friend? He made a mockery of Patton, and you think I was looking at him because we have a history?"
"But you do, don't you?" Logan repeated.
"Did you not hear what I just said?" Virgil stood up from his bed, throwing his hands up. "I can't believe you're accusing me of-"
"Accusing?" Logan seemed confused for a moment, tilting his head slightly. "Virgil, I am not accusing you of anything. I simply would like to know the truth, as I have become curious about whatever is going on here. I have drawn a conclusion based off my own observations, and I would like you to confirm that observation, truthfully. And also…" He hesitated, and Virgil sat back down. "I believe that it would be beneficial for you to talk to someone. About this. You are clearly not enthusiastic over whatever has previously transpired between Deceit and yourself, and it is not healthy to bottle up secrets in this way. If you would allow me, I would like to assist you."
Virgil looked at Logan, long and hard. "I don't need assistance, Logan." He said. "I've been dealing with this on my own just fine. You don't need to worry." Virgil quickly realised his mistake
"So there is something to deal with?" The logical side never missed anything, it seemed. Virgil sighed, and pressed his palms into his eyes.
"Yes." He said quietly. He didn't see Logan's reaction, but he imagined it would have been something along the lines of silent triumph that he had finally managed to get Virgil to admit to his most shameful secret.
"Would you…like to talk about it?" Logan asked hesitantly. Virgil almost scoffed. Logan never was very good at talking to people about emotions. He stayed silent. He was done. He didn't want to talk anymore. He leaned back against the wall, pulling his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around himself.
"We're done here." He said, his voice hard.
"It doesn't have to be with me." Logan said, almost too quickly. "You could talk to Patton, or even Roman." He was getting desperate. Virgil couldn't tell if it was real concern or if Logan just wanted him to spill so the logical side could be validated.
Eventually, Logan got the hint that Virgil wasn't going to say anything else, and he stood up and left without another word. Even though the other Side closed the door softly, Virgil still flinched slightly at the sound.
He lay down on his side, still curled into a ball, and took in a deep, shaky breath. That hadn't gone well. He had known that the other sides would probably want to talk to each other after having been manipulated by Deceit, but he hadn't expected Logan to connect the dots so immediately, and then come hurling accusations, as correct as they were.
Virgil did have a history with Deceit, but that didn't mean he wanted to talk about it to anyone.
A single tear slid down his cheek at the memories that rose up. How, for years, he'd let himself be tricked and manipulated by the snake-eyed side. How he had allowed Deceit to pull his strings like a puppeteer, controlling every move that Anxiety made. Another tear followed the first, as the weight of his secret suddenly seemed to fall on him all at once. Now that Logan knew, it suddenly seemed so much harder to carry this burden alone, as he had been for just over a year.
Logan probably didn't trust him anymore. Now that he knew Virgil had been keeping information from him, he had likely decided that Virgil was no longer worthy of being trusted. He would probably warn the other sides - they were probably back in the mindscape by now - too, if he hadn't done so already, not just about Virgil's secret, but that the other two shouldn't trust him not to keep more secrets in the future. Virgil groaned, holding his head in his hands. All his work to get the others to trust and accept him, and it was all gone, like leaves in the wind. One simple secret and it had all come tumbling down.
But it wasn't just a simple secret, was it? It was a huge secret. Virgil had a history with arguably the most despised side in the mindscape. Sure, there were others, other sides that they all liked to pretend didn't exist, but Deceit…he was the worst. And Virgil knew him, knew him well, and hadn't told the others. Oh God, they probably all hated him now. He doubted they'd ever want to talk to him again.
He began to shake, the tears falling freely now. He'd worked so hard to gain their trust and he'd blown it. That was it. He'd lost his only friends, and it was all his stupid, stupid fault. He wouldn't be surprised if they started treating him like the villain again. It would make sense. Only antagonists kept secrets from their friends, after all. If he was one of the good guys he would have come clean from the start, rather than hiding something like this from them.
Still shaking, more violently now, he shimmied into his warm, heavy blankets, and pulled them tightly over his head, cocooning himself in the dark. He was sobbing now, though he tried to keep himself from making too much noise, lest the others hear him. Surely, they hated him enough now anyway without him annoying them even further with his noise.
When he finally managed to get his sobbing under control, he sat quietly in the dark, wrapped around himself inside his blanket cocoon, and listened. He could hear the voices of the other sides talking to each other. He managed to make out Logan's voice somewhere in the jumble. He held himself tighter. Logan was probably telling them all about how he'd found out Virgil was a liar who kept secrets from them. Patton might be a bit hesitant to accept it, but Roman would believe Logan straight away. It had always been easy for the creative side to cast Virgil in the role of the villain. He was anxiety personified, after all. It made sense that the personification of creativity would despise the one who held him back with doubts.
Another wave of self-loathing washed over him. If he were Roman, he would hate him too. All he ever did was bring the creative side down. Any idea Roman had Virgil would always counter with why it was a horrible idea, all the many ways it could go wrong, how it could get Thomas hurt or killed, how it could wind up with Thomas looking like an idiot and being humiliated. Virgil never contributed anything positive. He just ruined everything.
Virgil bit into his hand to stop himself from sobbing too loudly again. He wanted to get his headphones, wanted to drown out his misery in equally miserable but comforting music, but his headphones were on his desk, and getting them would require him getting out of bed, and he wanted to leave his blanket cocoon even less than he wanted his music. So he resigned himself to a music-less misery.
He tried to relax his mind. God, he wanted so badly to just fall asleep and never wake up again. He didn't want to have to go back to the other sides hating him. It was more than he could bear. He didn't want Logan going back to talking to him with contempt as he ignored Virgil's concerns. He didn't want Roman to start calling him names again. Didn't want Patton to start ignoring him again. He had been despised by the others for so long, and now he was right back to where he started.
A pang of bitterness stabbed him. Why did Deceit have to come back? Why did the Side always strive to ruin whatever Virgil had? As if it wasn't bad enough that he'd manipulated Virgil into doing whatever the Dark Side wanted ever since Virgil came into being, now he had to come back? After Virgil had not long escaped the lying Side's deceitful clutches.
Virgil knew that Deceit wouldn't just reveal himself to Thomas for no reason. The Side had to have some kind of plan, some end goal in mind. Some grand scheme. And Virgil knew that he was likely at the centre of it. Deceit had always done everything he did in a way that he knew would hurt Virgil, for the sole purpose of hurting him. This time would be no exception.
But what? What on Earth could Deceit want now? After all this time?
Virgil shook his head, deciding that he really, really didn't want to worry about this right now. Not that he could really stop himself. He was Anxiety. He never stopped worrying.
He tried to fall asleep anyway.